I can say — completely unashamedly — that my years as a married woman have been the absolute best of my life. Hands down.
It took me many years to solve this mystery, but it doesn’t have to take you that long, Now that I’m here it’s my mission in life to help other women do what I did: answer the question “Why Can’t I Find Love?
Once I solved the puzzle of why I wasn’t finding love, the changes I made catapulted me from being a pretty darn happy single gal to being a damned happily married one.
1. Blame (of yourself and others)
2. Refusal to change
3. Believing that men suck
4. Harsh judgment (of yourself and others )
5. Fantasy
6. Your fear of rejection
7. The need to be right
8. Your 18-year-old attitudes and beliefs
9. Anger
10. Victimhood
11. Believing you’re better off alone
12. Shame
13. The need for total control
14. Waiting for perfection from him or from yourself
15. Thinking you’re fine just the way you are
16. Blaming the guy in front of you for what the last guy did
17. Trying to be someone you’re not
18. Unwillingness to learn
19. Not reaching out for help
20. Wondering why and stopping there
21. Going for the same ole “type” of man
22. Staying home and expecting him to show up
23. Thinking you can change him
24. Resisting getting online
25. Twisting like a pretzel to get a man
26. Thinking you have to lose 20 pounds before a man wants you
27. Talking too much about your career or job on the first date
28. Relying on chemistry or intuition only
29. Unwillingness to show you’re interested (when you are)
30. Expecting the man to always make the first move
31. Refusing help, advice or support from a man
32. Holding on to old pain and not getting the lesson
33. Your mile-long list of “must-haves”
34. The need to know everything the first date
35. The need to tell everything the first date
36. Falling for guys you just can’t have
37. Calling him, even when he doesn’t call you
38. Saying “yes” when he hasn’t earned it
39. Assuming there has to be drama
40. Judging a man’s “stuff” instead of the man
41. Waiting for him to be vulnerable before you will be
42. Expecting your partner to have all your interests in common
43. Not sharing your good points because that’s “bragging”
44. Not telling him what you want
45. Not understanding the power of your femininity
46. Thinking it’s okay to live a life without sex and intimacy
47. Believing that you can convince yourself it’s okay not to feel loved and adored by a good man…even when you yearn for it
How about you? Do any of these get you closer to answering the question, “Why can’t I find love? Which ones of these are YOU willing to let go?
Any you can add? I want to hear from you!
Mike says:
Love in the old days certainly came very easy back then, compared to today.
The Realist says:
Just be yourself, dont try to be someone your not. Im 70, been there done that. If they dont love you for you, just move on.
Bobbi Palmer says:
You’re attracting them because you’re choosing jerks and allowing them to treat you accordingly. Sorry. Giving you what you need to hear, girlfriend.
You deserve better don’t you? Do you? Give this some serious thought. You can change this. It’s in your hands. ❤️ Bp
verona says:
Hi Bobbi, after my divorce I met a guy in a social evironment with my friends. We got on well together and started texting. Then I found out that he is married. He told me himself. Whenever I would go out and didnt have a lift back home I could and still can just messaging him and he will come fetch me and take me home, and he lives very far from me but he would come to which ever venue/ function I am at and give me a ride home. I started getting emotionally attached as well. We had sex on numerous occasions and I always felt guilty because he is married. I just never understood how he would visit me at night and even fetch me if i was at a club in the early hours of the morning, why did his wife allow it?when I ask him, he says i mustnt worry and he dont want to discuss his wife. I know he will not leave her as they are living a very comfortable lifestyle and have one kid who is 12 years old. I dont also expect him to leave his wife as I dont have any romatic feelings for him. But I find myself being strong for months not to meet up with him and he just doesnt stop texting or calling me until I give in to meet him and then its sex and then the shame I feel for sleeping with a married guy over and over again. I am feeling very lonely and he is the only constant in my life where men are concerned. Other men I met over these six years only want sex one or two times and then I dont hear from them again. I have two adult kids living with me who has their own lives and my two minor kids spend most of their time with their dad, so I get very lonely most times and I dont drive, which makes it worse as I cant just go out when I want to, also I live in a dangerous area, so I cant make use of public transport at night. I really would just like to meet a guy who isnt just interested in sex, but interested…genuinely interested in getting to know me. I am starting to give up on meeting someone who is interested and will fall inlove with me for me and not for what they can get from me sexually…..I have tried chat sites, it starts off good but then they want naked pics and start asking my sexual preferences and they didnt even get to know me first. I dont know what to do anymore, all I know is that I dont want to grow old alone….I do want a companion. I am 45yrs old, but just attracting the type of guys thats not in to me. Please Help?
Bobbi Palmer says:
Congratulations on being so perfect and not needing to learn anything new, do anything different or change any beliefs. I hope you find that perfect man who is perfect for you and realizes how perfect you are. I hope at some point you dump your anger and rethink. I bet you’re a wonderful woman. Bp
Phoenix says:
Men do all of these 47 things.
Why don’t men change?
I am fine. Not changing my interior self.
Changing my thoughts that I am not in need of guys. That’s my change, I am less emotional to need guys, perhaps I want a guy if they are up to my standards, I might be available.
Bobbi Palmer says:
Hi Kathleen. Here’s my take on relying on your intuition when it comes to men. https://datelikeagrownup-com.mystagingwebsite.com/trust-intuition-men/ Bp
Kathleen says:
Hi there! I’ve enjoyed your videos. I’m curios about your comment not to rely on my intuition and feelings. My intuition has been my best friend my whole life.
Bobbi Palmer says:
Yah, if that’s “the truth” you’re looking for, then you’ll find it everywhere. Have no idea how you see it here. Bp
Christine J Sojka says:
You’ve confirmed just what I thought:That being “partnered” REALLY sucks!
Bobbi Palmer says:
Sorry but I refuse to believe that you are not doing ANY of those 47 things. Could you still be single because you refuse to open your mind to the idea that you might have something to do with being single? Date Like a Grownup Principle #3: Take responsibility for your actions and outcomes. I hope you can learn to see your situation in a clearer light so you can ultimately find that wonderful love. Bp
Bobbi Palmer says:
Here’s some more good reading for you. Hope it helps! https://datelikeagrownup-com.mystagingwebsite.com/meet-single-men/ Bp
Bobbi Palmer says:
Thank you for your wisdom, Sharon. I would love to read more of your Rabbi’s words! Yah, some of this old shit is hard to get through. But you can! If you keep trying and learning – which it sounds like you are – you’ll get there my friend. Hugs. Bp
Bobbi Palmer says:
Nope. You understand it perfectly. All those apply. If you’re looking for a loving, committed relationship don’t waste your time! Hugs. Thanks for letting me know my work helps you. I love hearing that! Bp
Bobbi Palmer says:
Thanks so much Jamie! I’m so so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine. Stay here and keep learning new things and new ways to approach finding that wonderful love again. Hugs. Bp
Bobbi Palmer says:
These are really good additions, Logan!! I hope everyone read them. Hugs.Bp
Bobbi Palmer says:
Hi Rachel, there is NO expiration date, my friend. I don’t know who the men are that you’re describing that enjoy having us lie, manipulate and play stupid mind games… but they are a very small percentage of grownup men on the planet. Your friend is w-r-o-n-g if she’s talking about grownup men. I respect your need for someone who aligns with you religiously but if this really is your religious sub-culture I recommend you reach out elsewhere. You’re just meeting/attracting the wrong men. Bp
kia says:
Hello BP i have wonder why cant i find someone that really interested in me ….i find it so hard to date i am bad at always expecting the man to always make the first move….Resisting gettting on online if i do its for a short period of time
Sharon says:
Thank you, I have many of those in my list, too..like shame, blaming myself..I’ll add, “losing hope.”, thanks to a former, awesome Rabbi from my Temple, now in Mew Jersey, who sent me her Freedom Shabbat service, mostly about Dr. King, Rabbi Abraham Joshua Herschel, etc., but included having hope for ourselves..also, our current Rabbi Jay Siegel, who tells us, in Judaism, you’re not allowed to give up..-Alsi, this week is Tu B’Shevat, Jewish New Year for the Trees, & trees and plants give us hope, that’s why we plant seeds…
Happy New Year, & thanks for caring…
Love,
Sharon Levine
Canoga Park
Anita P. Stelzer says:
Even after reading all your 47 reasons I still can’t think of a single reason to be single! 3 1/2 years online dating is getting very old! I have taken more classes, coaches, summits, many expensive and many free.
I date quite a bit, but just not finding quality men, anyone I want to spend a lifetime with.
Michele says:
Hi Bobbi!
Thanks for this list, it’s very helpful. I would love for you to explain #36?
I am thinking that this could mean, a man who is perhaps involved or married already? Or a man who is clearly not interested in you and you keep contacting him, “bugging” him when he remains unreciprocal? Or do you mean something else?? Something that perhaps I’m not understanding?
I look forward to your wisdom!
Thank you!
Michele
Jamie says:
Thank you!! Your dress is absolutely beautiful and you are stunning in it! My husband passed away 5 years ago and my body aches ( and desperately misses) for hand holding and daily hugs
Logan says:
I can identify with some of the items on the list. My personal list:
1. Unreasonable sacrifices for family. I’m part of the sandwich generation – taking care of parent and grandchild. Plus working. Dating takes energy and enthusiasm.
2. Aging. I getting older. So is he! White hair, wrinkles, mobility and stiffness challenges. Don’t let it hold you back.
3. Ruling men out before giving them a chance.
4. Opening to diversity. Men come in all colors, sizes, shapes.
5. Believing the first man that comes along is the ‘one.’
Lynn says:
48. Lack of consistent interest in your everyday concerns.
49. Not being introduced to friends or relatives after a few months of dating.
It took me a while to notice these features in an overtalking narcissist!
Rachel says:
Hey Bobbi.
I have a question. When I was trying to land a husband in youth group/Bible college and failed miserably something puzzled me. A friend of mine–also a virgin in her mid forties–discussed it with me once.
Men are such honest, straight forward creatures. But they enjoy having us lie, manipulate and play stupid mind games with them. Seriously. They couldn’t keep away from girls who giggled, sent mixed messages, and talked in some bizarre code Lee and I could never figure out.
They say they don’t want drama or mind games, but those are the top two personality traits guys go for–along with acting like a giggly, shallow moron. Anything but really boring banter they don’t listen to bugs them. You have to keep your gums flapping in a shrill breathless voice. But don’t actually SAY anything. And be 20-30 pounds underweight with the “right” body. Narrow hips and tiny breasts like acorns. You give them free peeks but no touching till marriage…Tee hee.
This was of course my religious subculture. Guys also wanted you to look like Olive Oyl or a Disney Princess (with a much smaller cup size.)
Tried dating. Guys seem to handle honesty and even brains better. But why do such direct and simple creatures prefer drama and manipulation–while claiming they do not?
My biggest problem now is a scarcity of men in my subculture. Religion is a deal breaker for me. Too old anyhow. Never was hot enough; now I have no market value at all. My expiration date was back in 2001 I think….
Bobbi Palmer says:
Hi Jodi, Thanks for your note. I’m happy that you’re going to continue trying to find your heart’s desire and I SO want to help you! I have a few incredibly powerful programs that are super affordable and I will be offering them next month. Are you on my mailing list? If not, be sure you register from one of the pages here. You will get notice. Hugs, Bp
Jodi Levine says:
Hi Bobbi, I have been listening to your emails for years. My online dateing expierence is dimal (doing that for years). I have put money & TIme into seminars, coachs and weekends. Taking full responsibilty for myself-with no sucess. Bottom line Bobbi, can you do something in a group fashion in the $250.00 range? I am willing to try again, I am worth the cost but some of us just dont have that kind of money to get you one on one (that would be great). Just putting it out there. Thank you for all that you do. I know sucess
Jeanette says:
This article is awesome!! Out of 47 of the questions, I’ve id at least 27 of these related to me. This needs to be posted on my phone to remind me never to do these things again.
bobbi says:
Tons of thanks Monica! You have it 100% right!! Keep me up to date. Hugs…
Innocent Bystander says:
Great time to read this list as we head into a new year and make resolutions about the changes we want to make to become our best selves in 2013. 🙂
Monica Sancio says:
BTW, you look absolutely beautiful + radiant in your wedding picture… Love it!
Monica Sancio says:
I just want to say THANK YOU for being there for us, with your intelligent and compassionate insights… I appreciate you, Bobbi… The best to you + I applaud you for having the courage to share your results with us… Following your tips + I already feel they are working for me… I owe you at least a testimonial.. Cheers
bobbi says:
Hi Miskwa, Glad, as always, to read your comment. I’m so sorry to hear about your Father. It is sad, and especially when it’s due to his not taking care of himself. My Dad wasn’t in the best physical condition either, nor did he have any real interests once he retired, though I’ve come to realize that he lived his life how HE wanted to…and that made him a great success. As far as being proud of who you are and having clear vision of the man you want to be with; you know I think that is right on! I applaud you for that and hope you didn’t read anything otherwise in my article. Though you can be all that, yet still have room for shifts and new information that will put you in a much better position to find a loving, fabulous man. I understand your challenge and, yes, it can be harder to find your man…but I am 100% positive it is not impossible. Only giving up and not staying open the possibility will make it so. Stay with it…it is so worth the effort!
miskwa says:
Bobbi
Yep, I am guilty of some of these. I do think who I am is ok. What’s wrong with being fit, having faced a lot of serious challenges in life and suceeded, being the only one in my family to ever get an education, being involved in environmental and social issues. caring for those that are less fortunate, I dunno, these kind of seem to me like good things. Maybe you meant our situation being just fine the way we are, not sure. I am also hung up on looks, fitness, and education in a man, probably because attempting a relationship with men that did not have these things never worked. I am truly starting to think that most men 50+ just do not care about health or self improvement. Just got back from a week of caring for my dying father whose 10 year history of health issues and 11 out of 12 surgeries during that time stem from obesity and other poor health habits. Never wanna deal with this again. Hard to see someone you love and the what is left of family suffering due to totally preventable issues. So sorry about your dad, it seemes as though you learned alot from him. Getting seriously frustrated, cannot afford to move due to the depressed housing market and it just seems that quality men are really hard to find in this state(CO).