So you think you’re going to meet a great guy with real potential, only to find out that he’s got scary baggage, a health issue or a habit you just can’t stand. Find out if it’s time to drop that date and run for the hills OR give him more time to make an impression and see where things land.
I share 5 date deal-breakers and more in my interview with Barbara Hannah Grufferman for AARP’s ‘The Best of Everything‘ series.
So…have YOU ever walked out of a date? What would send YOU running for the hills? Leave a comment here to share your own experiences!
Bobbi Palmer says:
Hi Lara. Regardless of signs of Aspergers if, in the early stages, you experience “a guy being very critical and personal” you should instantly would knock it on the head. (I assume that means move the hell on.) The slightest sign of that should be taken at face value: assume that’s who he is and that it will only get worse. Run.
Lara says:
Recently, I broke up with a guy who I strongly suspect has Aspergers. I have done a lot of online research on Aspergers to substantiate what I am saying.
I also wonder if I was susceptible to him because I was a on the back foot having been single for so long, lacking in self-confidence a bit and not being particularly assertive and able to articulate my feelings and I rolled with the punches for longer than I should have done because I wanted to be in a relationship. He had wanted to be exclusive with me after two dates and now I might wait longer before putting all of my eggs in one basket again.
At the time, I didn’t know how to constructively deal with his behaviour but it seemed off and odd because he seemed perturbed and to be having tantrums about very ‘normal’ conditions.
He also was very critical and personal and always said what was on his mind even if it could have been considered a step too far.
He was not happy to go out and do anything that I suggested and was not interested in travel. Socially dismal and lived to work rather than worked to live. Preferred to be on the computer.
He said that he had, had a drink problem and issues with mental health and had a lot of CBT.
Wanted to spend 50% of his time alone and could not see himself living under one roof with a woman.
Liked his routines.
Didn’t trust me to take contraception and was blaming me for what an ex had done to him i.e. tried to steal his semen from the condom in the bathroom bin to get pregnant!
I believe that he withheld that he had Aspergers from me because obviously it is difficult to live with and this hurts me too because a few dates in, he could have said and I could have made an informed decision about whether I continued with him or at least had an explanation for his bewildering behaviour.
From now on, I think that if in the early stages, I experienced a guy being very critical and personal, I would knock it on the head. Aspergers cannot be cured and Aspergians don’t change. They do come disguised as quite high functioning men and there are a lot on line because they like computers and don’t necessarily have the social skills and might well have reached an age where you could question why they aren’t married. It would be because they have not got the skills to develop and maintain relationships. Any woman who gets involved with one would have to be pretty selfless and quite strong and not really want to go out much.
Don’t get me wrong, there were some positives and I have seriously wondered whether I could work with him on any issues if he was prepared to but in the final analysis, I think that it would be too hard and he would have to want to do it.
For now though, Aspergers has messed with my head too much and I would avoid anyone who has it.
Noquay says:
Here’s my reasons for bailing on a date:
1. Lying; this is gross dishonesty about who the man is vs. how he portrayed himself on line. Lying about height and weight, using very old photos, lying about his health, lying about the type of rship he is looking for.
2. Financial irresponsibility; get a lot of these in my part of the mountains; dude retires too soon to become a ski bum, lives beyond means, lookin at Noquay who owns the big house, works hard at a well paying job, hoping to be rescued. Have kicked 5 of these to the curb over the past year.
3. Hygiene issues and general weirdness:any dude shows up for a date unshunshaven, with dirty clothes, gives a strong message that you are not worth the effort, either that or this is their normal way of being. Met a dude last year, 60s, who had a really weird affect, has to have a housemate to make ends meet and said he bet on dog races for a living. Ewww!
4. Looking for a rship but not in a place to be in one: rebounders, unemployed, seriously Ill or injured physically or emotionally, in transition. Been there too and I always knew to bail out of dating until I fixed my situation. We rescue ourselves.
Yep, Bobbie, this is why this year I will no longer on line date. I live in a pretty uneducated area and so often have to drive long distances to meet someone close to my level. Very frustrating to put in that level of time and expense and wind up with these sorts of people.
Judy says:
So newly divorced he says he is so glad to be alone and doesn’t have to answer to anyone; lies about job and where he lives; drinks too much and nags me to drink more; 51 and never been married and wants a 30-42 year old who wants kids when I am the same age; multiple marriages and divorces and very opinionated and cold; invites me to have sex at his house on the first date and no I am not the sexpot; 6 glasses of wine on the first date; no chemistry to the point you want to hide; has messed up kids; never wants to marry again;