How do you know when to feel safe and feel like he is the one?
You’re dating someone and you adore him. He says he’s right there with you. And acts like it. Things seem to be going really fast!
Damn, it FEELS GOOD. It’s also SCARY.
How do you know when it’s okay to feel SAFE and HOPEFUL with a new guy…to know he is The One??
Honestly, you both have to be ready to JUMP IN with both feet in order for a relationship to mature and to last. So holding back your feelings can sabotage any hope of it turning into the REAL DEAL.
On the flip side, going all-in too early can end up destroying you. (You’ve probably been there before; like most of us.)
I get this question all the time from the women I coach. They meet someone (usually online)…
they’re excited…
they ask me how many weeks or months they should wait before they can SAFELY OPEN THEIR HEART.
The number of days or hours you’ve spent together has very little to do with when you should feel safe and go for it.
If you want to know the #1 THING that has to happen before you let yourself feel SAFE and HOPEFUL…
watch my new coaching video here.
It’s a simple answer, really. It’s exactly what allowed my hubs and me to meet, move in together, and get married within 6 months after meeting…
and spend 13 pretty great years together (so far).
Take about 7 minutes to learn The #1 Thing that has to take place before you should GO FOR IT!!
What do you think? I want to know your thoughts. Does this make sense? Would knowing this in the past have saved you from any heartbreak or otherwise bad decisions?
Bobbi Palmer says:
Good question. You don’t want to create drama. But you can learn about how he handles real life by sharing honestly with him; your dreams, fears, and life challenges; not just the good stuff. And invite him to do the same. Observe carefully how he responds. You can learn a lot, Bridget. Bp
Bridget says:
Such a helpful perspective!
I agree it’s important to learn how they handle lives stresses & for them to learn about me too.
I’m lucky; my life of actually very serene & I don’t have drama pop up very often. What do we do to learn about their ways of handling issues if that opportunity doesn’t occur within that 6 month Th h to one year window that you mention?
Laura says:
Thank you so much for this video, Bobbi.
I was recently dating a wonderful man for 3 weeks. He was consistent in communication, a great kisser, a gentleman, successful but only a year post divorce. I’m over 2 years post divorce and emotionally ready to find my person.
On our last date things were wonderful as usual. Great conversation, cuddling and kissing. It was our 6th date and I asked him when he thought he would be ready for sexual intimacy with me since we both discussed not wanting to rush that, he specifically said he didn’t want to screw things up with me and go too fast. He’s had a few fast sexual experiences with women since his divorce and he feels differently about me.
His response to my inquiry was that he’s not ready yet because he believes he’ll fall in love with me when we’re intimate and he’s not ready to be in love, get married and be in a committed relationship now. He also went on to point out some of his concerns logistically about our becoming more serious, his children are 19+ and mine are still in middle school and high school, he’s 51 and I’m 45. His career options could take him elsewhere and that I’m more tied down than he is right now. But then says he still wants to continue seeing me.
With a heavy heart I ended things the next day. I told him that despite how strongly I felt for him I wasn’t going to wait around until he was ready. How long would that take and what a great heartbreak I would eventually experience realizing he wouldn’t be ready any time soon.
I’m wise enough to know that I need to see the signs now, not try and convince myself of a timing and compatibility that’s not there. Guard my heart.
We left on very good terms and I hope I‘ll eventually hear from him again. It’s been a week of silence so far and I’m missing him terribly but I’m not going to waste this precious second chance at love with someone who’s not ready and willing to be in a relationship anytime soon. I think I did the right thing but this one has been very hard.
Bobbi Palmer says:
Ugh. Tough lesson learned, Marie. It’s not like it’s a litmus test, but knowing how a man reacts to you needing him is definitely something to experience before making any commitment or fully opening your heart. Hugs. Bp
Marie Fischer says:
I wish this was out 10 years ago I would have never ended up in a disastrous marriage. He wanted to break up when I called him because I was stressed out about an issue. Something that was really minor but a forewarning of the future.
Bobbi Palmer says:
I’m always so happy to know I have helped,Marla. I appreciate you letting me know. Bp
Bobbi Palmer says:
Way to take care of yourself, Tracey. It was courageous and smart for you to to open up to him. I commend you for taking that Grownup action. That includes going out that night and chatting up those other folks. Way to go. It was a hugely positive thing to do. You learned a lot that will help you so much on your journey going forward. Bp
Marla says:
Bobbi, great video and a really fresh and valuable perspective.
Tracey Lago says:
Hi, Bobbi- this post and video really resonated with me. I’ve been dating a guy for about a month. I really like him and he seems to really like me, but I started realizing I was the one always planning our next get together. Due to our work schedules and living about half an hour apart, we only see each other on the weekends anyway. I started to think I was making things so easy for him- he never had to step up in any way because I never allowed him to. So yesterday, Christmas Eve, I had gotten off work early and knew he was off, too, for the rest of the week. I texted asking him how his day was, as usual. He said great, and how was my day? I replied not great. I was sad and lonely. It was the first Christmas Eve ever (since the divorce) that I wasn’t with my kids. They are both adult college students, but it still hit me emotionally. I remembered what you said about how will the guy step up to the plate when things aren’t just easy, but when I really needed some support and understanding. He also has two grown kids who he loves like crazy, so I thought he might understand how down I was. His reply: ” that stinks. ” That’s it. I won’t beg a guy to be with me, been there, done that. I ended up going out by myself to the bar at a nearby Chile’s, just to be around people and hopefully get out of my funk. I was NOT looking to hook up with any one. I ended up having a great conversation with 2 brothers and the female bartender. I asked the guys, if they were beginning a relationship with a woman and she had shared what I had, what would their response be? Without hesitation, one said “I’m on my way,” and the other said “can I come over to be with you?” both at the same time. The female bartender weighed in, too, saying he didn’t seem to care, or want to understand, my feelings. Both brothers also advised me to be honest with my guy and explain that I was hurt and why, which I did later. He responded by saying we are apparently not on the same page. Nothing more. Just giving up that easily. I’m grateful I had watched your video and allowed myself to be vulnerable with him to gauge how he would respond to my emotional pain and need for support. Best to know now. I had 20 plus years of stuffing my feelings and receiving no support from my ex and I will never allow that to happen again. I deserve better. So I will move on and remain optimistic that I WILL find love again someday.
Bobbi Palmer says:
You should definitely take care of yourself in this regard and if he doesn’t like it and hassles you about it, then screw him. (Not literally, of course.) He’s done you a favor by blocking you. Next! Bp
Bobbi Palmer says:
You nailed it, Jill: the fun stuff is easy. We definitely want to have fun but what “sticks” is when we can depend on each other.Sorry it didn’t work out for you but it sounds like it’s clearly for the best. Another Good Guy is on his way to you. Bp
jill says:
I have followed you before and always felt you gave very straight and clear advise. This email was very timely for me. I started dating a friend of 10 plus years awhile back. I enjoyed his company but just was not completely in. I could not figure it out. We had a really nice trip to see his family. When we got back from the trip he got a stomach aliment and seemed to cancel and change what we were doing frequently. I understand times like this you have to have compassion and flexibility. I felt I was. Often we either cancelled plans and did something else or did not get together. He lives 5 minutes from me.
I could relate when you said you needed someone to help you. I usually ask my other guy friends to help me. It was a situation that my smoke alarms went off for no reason. I called him and his response was call the fire department. He never offered to come over and help me. I text him that concern. He immediately called and came over. He broke up with me.He could not deal with my stuff. I was triggering him. I will admit earlier in the week I had said I was a bit concerned that I was not good at being in a relationship but I was trying. Lots of stresses with Thanksgiving and kids coming. Introducing someone new to the family had always been challenging so I was very nervous. I guess all of this goes back to communication. I thought we would be great communicators but apparently we were not.
Thanks for saying what you did in the video. Stuff happens and the real challenge if the relationship is going to go the mile is how we handle the “hard” stuff. Fun is easy.
Thanks again for making me step back and look at the entire picture. If we do not learn from our experiences then we will continue to make the same mistake over and over again.
Lara McCoy says:
I am currently on a break from someone who seemed to want things to move faster sexually than I did and who wanted to win and own me leaving me no time to connect to him and to discover and decide. I have felt very guilty at hurting him and the busy time of year doesn’t help. I have worried about being too passive and giving in to him but I know that I also need to find compatibility, know that he’s available and not out of reach career wise and that I am not just going to be with Mr Angry who doesn’t like getting his own way. I could potentially really like him if he obviously likes me but he’s not allowing me the space and time to work this out. I don’t know if I am being unreasonable, just don’t love him enough but I don’t think that five dates was enough for me and for the past three weeks I have been over thinking a lot and feeling bad. I think he’s blocked me from e-mailing him on POF now and clearly wants an end to the issue and sees me as a time waster. I just want to be sure and go at my speed and get my needs met.
Quadira says:
Thanks for this video, Bobbi. It does help, even though I’m not presently in a relationship. I did meet a couple of men in the past that I felt this way about very quickly; unfortunately, they were not in agreement so they ended up leaving after a time. May the next one be my last and lasting guy! 🙂
~Quadira
Bobbi Palmer says:
You’re welcome Tina. You should absolutely trust yourself. You made a tough decision and you’re on your way to better choices going forward. Welcome to your new life. Bp
Bobbi Palmer says:
I Agree. That can’t be anything but helpful. Bp
Bobbi Palmer says:
You are so welcome! And I appreciate you letting me know I’ve helped. Love to hear that! Bp
Bobbi Palmer says:
I will never EVER give up on you. And you better not either, Jodi. Let’s talk soon. Bp
Jodi Levine says:
Thank you Bobbi. Very helpful. It’s getting to that point that has eluded me. I have a lot of 1 or 2 dates but have not connected ~ I am looking for the real thing. Not meeting men who want that. Thank you for not giving up on us
Ahadi White says:
Thanks for posting this. It gives me a thought to carry with me.
Jan says:
It does. However, I’m a Christian so, to add to that, I’d suggest, going through pre-marital counseling prior to making a life-term decision.
Tina Davis says:
Thank you so much for describing what I’ve experienced with my last off and on 2 yr. “relationship”. Your phrase: Doesn’t step up when [I] need him to – helped clarify my feelings of him not acting “grown up” enough for me. Even after 2 years, I don’t feel like I know him and had already decided not to spend anymore time in his direction. Your talk helped me have peace with my decision. Thank you again for your time.