The women I am lucky enough to coach come to me because they want to find love. They have had career success, family success, and they’ve already ticked a lot off their bucket list.
Now they are laser-focused on adding delicious, committed love to their already good lives. Ranging in age from mid-30s to 70s, so far this grownup love story is the one thing that has alluded them.
Sound familiar?
WTF?
We women of a certain age are used to exerting our skills, will and control to get (most of) what we want. We finally figured out how to do it, it’s worked beautifully for years and now it’s how we roll, right?
SMART. WOMEN. MAKE. THINGS. HAPPEN.
But this is NOT the way men want this love thing to roll.
In fact, when it comes to grownup men and creating meaningful relationships with them, the opposite is much closer to the truth.
Or, as many have said to me: why can’t you just chill?
Here is an excerpt from a conversation in my private Facebook group that tells you more. Let me know if this rings a bell for you, ok?
Did this make you squirm a little bit? Have any flashbacks? Do you want to find love so much you’ve been over controlling your love life?
I get it! If you are leading with your fear of scarcity and attempt to control everything (like I did for my 30 single years) you’re directing your love boat right into a giant (lonely) iceberg.
How about this: instead of trying to MAKE love happen, maybe you can just LET love happen. That’s exactly what I did when my husband and I met in 2006 and fell in love. Worked well for me!)
Here’s how to date more mindfully. Keep your eyes and heart open. Keep learning more about yourself and men. Enjoy your moments. Live your best life. Let. Love. Find. You.
LET. LOVE. FIND. YOU.
Can you relate? Yes, you want to find love. But ask yourself: What can you do just a little differently to welcome love in instead of trying to force it? Let me hear from you.
Neha Abrol says:
Thanks Bobbi, for this beautiful blog. Yes, you are right. Most people can’t let it happen. I was also in a distance relationship, and I was happy in that relationship. Everything was on the right track, but suddenly some differences created between us, and it ended. But now we are good friends.
Bobbi Palmer says:
Melanie, I did not mean by this article that people should just passively stand by and wait for love to knock on their door. I’m all about being pro-active, learning about men, learning about ourselves, and putting effort towards connecting with men. Which, I agree with you, may be more of a challenge for shy people. But, shy people fall in love and get coupled and married all the time.-Bp
Melanie Bower says:
I think it may be different for people that are shy. They can’t let it happen. They have to to some things differently. Shy people unintentionally may be scaring them off or shutting people out without realizing it.
Bobbi Palmer says:
Sorry, you don’t. He knows where you are and will reach out if he wants. Move on, my friend. Bp
Bobbi Palmer says:
Hi Nancy. You’ll find it by searching for “profile pictures “ on my blog page. 🙂 Bp
Bobbi Palmer says:
Hi Terry! I’m sorry about the end of your relationship, my friend. It sounds like it was lovely though and I trust you learned a lot that’ll make your next one even better. I appreciate your kind words. I’m always happy to know my work is helping wonderful women like you. Hugs. Bp
Stephanie H. says:
I sooo need to read this. Out of fear I try to control everything and at 47 I’m guessing the 50 yo man I like from afar has sadly already noticed
Terry says:
WONDERUL post. Thanks for being so real and your vulnerability.The best Relationship I ever had thanks in in part to Bobbi and her wisdom ,just ended after two years. I am sad because even though I know it was for the best,we communicated at a deep level and I learned to tell him if something was bothering me,and to,let him take the lead and receive A first for me at the age of 72.I have a long history of over functioning in relationships and don’t want that to happen again.With love and gratitude for Bobbi,and all she does to help woman to find love. Terry Barber
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Nancy says:
This is so true Bobbi. Thank you for sending this email! I appreciate it.
Not to long ago you sent an email about taking pictures. Would it be possible to send it out again, I cannot find the email.
Thank you for all you do.
Nancy Danner
San says:
Two good dates and now nothing. Communication was good, I thought – regular texts initiated by both him and me, phone calls. With the last communication, he texted and asked me out again. I replied, “I’d like that. How about Saturday afternoon? We can get some appetizers and go to the park. What do you think?” That was weeks ago. I haven’t heard anything since. How do I break this pattern? How do I get more dates with the guy?
Bobbi Palmer says:
Here’s an article that may help. https://datelikeagrownup-com.mystagingwebsite.com/get-a-second-date-15-ways/
Wendy says:
Thank you for your reply. And thank you for validating something that I have done! I have offered to plan (and done it) and have offered to pay (and done it!) My sister, though, says that these things emasculate men and perhaps that this is why my relationships last from 3 weeks to about 3 months. I’m not in a position to pay frequently and I only offer to plan, I don’t take over. I think that it’s fair to offer to do both, though, as I’ve never thought it should always be on the man to do these things. I feel a sense of freedom when I don’t have to figure out what we’re going to do, I’m sure men must feel that way sometimes, too! I just thought that perhaps my sister has a point about being too ‘takey-over’ and that it’s a turn off.
Thanks for all of your help. I’m continuing to read your posts, focusing on those I may feel I need the most, but looking at others as well!
Wendy
Wendy says:
Oh it’s good to hear your validation! I have offered to pay, I have planned, and I think those are both fair things to do. No, the men did not complain on the first date, I agree that that would be a red flag! My sister thinks that offering to plan/pay emasculates the man and that’s why I don’t get much past 2-3 months with men I date. I will continue to do as you suggest, as it feels right, but perhaps soften how I offer? Perhaps that’s been my mistake.
Thank you, Bobbi!
Wendy
Bobbi Palmer says:
Hi Wendy, I recommend that after the second date you offer to plan the next. And even pay. Even offer to leave the tip or pay for an ice cream after your first or second. You want him to know that you’re not some spoiled woman expecting him to do all for you. That said if they are complaining…like really complaining…on the first date I’d take that as a red flag. Yah, it’s old-fashioned to expect men to pick up the tab but Good Grownup Men enjoy it. They love when you do but dont hate that they have to. Bp
Wendy says:
I’ve read so many of your posts now, and have learned so much already. I can’t wait to put so many of your ideas and advice into action!
I do have a question, though. I’ve been on dates where the men have complained about having to always plan the date, choose where we’re going, etc. As many women of my age do, I plan all of my professional and personal life so it’s wonderful when you can let go and have someone else do that. However, when do you offer to plan something, so the man doesn’t feel he’s the only one putting the effort in? Or a woman shouldn’t, so the man feels like he’s the pursuer? Does the man feel controlled if you offer, or does it allow him to feel appreciated? Thanks for all you do!
Wendy
Bobbi Palmer says:
Hi Susan. YES! Definitely tell him you want to see him again. Read this, you’ll find 15 Ways to Get a Second Date. Lots of specific tips for you here! Bp
Susan says:
I’m not getting 2nd dates with men I would like to. I will think we hit it off and then no invitation offered. Should I be saying I am interested and want to see them again? Can I contact them after to let them know? I don’t want to be the pursuer.
???????