The Wondrous Effect of Showing Kindness to Men When Dating

How kind are you when you date? I know you’re well-mannered, but are you being kind to the men you meet? Here are definitions of “kind”:

1. Having or showing a tender, considerate and helpful nature.
2. Showing sympathy or understanding; being charitable.

So…are you being kind?

Can you say that you are showing tenderness and understanding, and that you’re approaching men with sympathy?

Lack of kindness is one of the most common reasons women aren’t finding loving partners? And, btw, girlfriend: I’m talking about kindness women show to men; not how men treat women.
I talk about this on my blog, in my workshops and with my private clients constantly. I do so because I have seen with my own eyes, over and over again, that when women “get” this it’s one of their biggest ah-ha moments.

We can spend so much energy looking for red flags and trying to protect ourselves from various threats (real or imagined), that we respond by making quick and often harsh judgments. We forget to extend the normal kindness we would to anyone else we meet. We throw out benefit of the doubt or attempts to understand and put ourselves in another’s shoes.

Dumping the overactive critical stuff and extending kindness to men generates this fantastic positive cycle. Through your kindness you accept and connect with more men; they appreciate that kindness and are more attracted to you; you have better dates; and you improve your chances of finding a meaningful connection with a good guy. See how that works?

Here is an email from a client that tells this story. Her discompassionate judgment was leading her to deciding not to see this guy again. Seems she slapped a label on him and made little effort to understand his side of the situation. I saw it differently. Check out my response.

Dear Bobbi,

I met a very attractive guy on an internet dating site. I had what I considered a perfect first date. He was exactly the way he looked on
his profile and we had a conversation about how surprising and shocking some of the dates I had were. How the guys were not
recognizable from their internet site. We had a quick kiss goodnight and I left feeling very nice about the date.

The next phone call he made was to tell me he lied on his profile. He is a smoker and he wears a hairpiece. The smoking is a turn off, the hairpiece I could have dealt with, but what about the lies? I accepted a date with him, but I’m not really comfortable with his lying. What’s your suggestion or opinion?


Hi LK:

I’m so glad you wrote. Here’s my take:

He “lied” so you wouldn’t make quick judgments and you’d take time to get to know him. He probably doesn’t get many “yes” responses with those two things going against him. That he told you right after he met you makes me think that the “liar” label  is too harsh. He could have waited a long time to tell you these things, but he did it rather quickly.

It’s up to you whether you want to date a smoker; that’s a tough one. But I would practice some compassion here – try to understand why he approached it this way.

One more thing: he must be interested in getting to know you better. Otherwise he wouldn’t have bothered to tell you the truth about his insecurities. He took a risk; now it’s up to you. If you choose to pass on dating him due to his smoking, that’s fair. But you can show him a kindness by letting him know that you respect his honesty and that isn’t the reason you’re choosing not to date him. (That is, of course, if you see it like I do.)

Let me know how it goes!

With love and support,


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