I’m writing this as my husband, Larry, and I drive back from our little hideaway in Baja. When we go, Larry takes care of most everything. Making the plans with our friends, grabbing the passports and pesos, prepping the car, schlepping bags; I love it.
That always reminds me how grateful I am to have finally learned how to appreciate a kind, generous, grownup man.
If I had met Larry a couple years earlier he would have been one of those guys I thought was too nice, too boring and too old. (He hadn’t even traveled out of the US for goodness sake! He didn’t have friends he hung out with. And he’s 9 years older. Ugh!) I wouldn’t have even agreed to meet him.
Luckily, by the time our paths crossed, I had learned that the way I had been judging men was really silly. And those judgments were keeping me from meeting high quality, marriage-minded men.
(He’s too nice…really? How can that even be possible??)
I felt almost immediately that Larry and I were a good match. I never would have been open to getting to know him had I not learned these important lessons about what to expect from men.
Why are Older Men So Boring?
After I was dating after 40, I asked that question constantly. I hear it from coaching clients all the time. So many decent, grownup men seem so nice and so boring! It’s disappointing and such a turnoff.
Here’s the simple answer that I finally learned:
It’s because they are GROWNUP men. And you are counting on old dating rules.
Understanding these men’s different life experiences and, therefore, points of view will open you up to extraordinary new opportunities for LOVE.
Women and men are actually alike in a lot of ways. But when it comes to socializing, men are completely different.
Women go out to eat, shop, travel, go to plays, chat over a glass of wine, take classes and join book clubs…all with our girlfriends.
Men don’t do any of that. Their socializing exists around sports or some physical activity. So if a man plays golf or sails (like Larry) he may partake in some regular activity and socializing.
Otherwise, a man who is dating after 50, 60 and beyond can have a pretty quiet life.
Yes, it’s true: men can be waiting for a woman to fill in their life. So what?
This doesn’t necessarily mean they are a doofus, friendless or dull. It means that they haven’t been able to just call up a dude friend and say ‘hey Bob, I’d really like to see Paris. Wanna plan a trip?” Or wanna see a play, or have dinner? It’s not what guys do.
That means that when a man doesn’t have a woman in his life, especially if he’s retired or semi, he may not be doing much of anything.
But that doesn’t mean he WON’T!
My 65-year-old client met a 71-year-old widower. Together they are traveling the world and running marathons. He wasn’t doing either when they met.
And it’s not like she had to ‘make him’ do it…he loved adding that to his life! And he turned her on to things he loved to do, but needed a partner to do it with.
So the KEY is…
when you meet a man (or look at an online dating profile), don’t nitpick what he’s doing and not doing as much as what he wants to do, or is open to doing.
- Does he seem open to learning?
- Is he curious?
- Does he seem interested and excited to share things that you like?
- What’s on his bucket list?
You may not see all this on the surface. If you like other things about him and he shows potential to have your must-haves, be willing to dig a little, sister.
Learn about him by sharing what you’re passionate about or what you want to do next…then pay close attention to his response. You’ll learn what he’s interested in, even if he hasn’t done it yet.
I see this all the time: men, especially older ones, are thrilled to let us open up their world! And to be able to share his with you. It’s likely that they have been waiting for for a long time.
Men and women have a lot in common. We also have some fundamental differences.
We can’t expect men to be like us. If you can open your mind and learn more about how they think, live and love…you will start seeing the good guys I keep telling you about and that my clients and other students keep meeting.
Can you relate? Have you met these guys? I’d love to hear your thoughts about what I’ve shared. Makes sense, doesn’t it? Will this help you change the way you judge some dates?
Hi Bobby, I love your site and I think you give great advice. Here’s my thing. I’m 41 and I actually feel like I WASTE time with these really good guys. For example… I’ve just been seeing a really nice guy for 4 months. And I’m just waiting and waiting to finally be really into him. I’m trying but it’s not working and I’m not happy. I’m not happy with a nice man- a man who puts me first, who does all of these things that you talk about above. Of course it is not *because* he’s nice, the point is, I think sometimes the reason we are attracted to someone is not immediately obvious. How long is long enough to give someone a good chance and move on if it’s really not clicking for us?