This post is from a 50-something anonymous Man-Fan. He took his time to share his experience and point of view on what mature single men find sexy. It’s not like what you think or see in the movies, sister!
I absolutely love what he’s sharing with you. Soak it up! And thank you Mr. Anonymous!
As a woman, how do you determine if men find you attractive?
Do you compare yourself against what you see on Netflix and commercials? Or do you have your own internal yardstick?
In study after study, women consistently underestimate the amount of body fat that men prefer.
If the man you were dating told you that you were attractive, would you believe him?
If the answer is anywhere near a “no”…you better read this.
In my experience, there is a vast ocean of difference between what women think guys are attracted to versus what they actually are. In reality it’s probably someone who looks like you do and the attraction is more than lukewarm.
In the February 25, 2012 issue of Psychology Today Dr. Will Lassek writes:
Unfortunately, many women seem to believe that men find super-skinny women like fashion models especially attractive. In study after study, women consistently underestimate the amount of body fat that men prefer.
When asked to predict the figure that men will find most attractive, women consistently choose a skinnier figure than the men actually prefer. The figures women think men prefer are more like fashion models than Playmates. The figures that the men actually prefer are also much closer to the women’s own figures than the skinnier ones women believe that men like.
At the age of 54, coming out of my 20 plus year marriage, I found myself in front of women at a totally different stage of life than those I was used to prior to getting married. They are entirely different people with entirely different life experiences and frankly the adjustment has been difficult.
So here’s the bottom line. There are two uniformly consistent qualities that men find attractive. Two things you have absolute control over: Warmth and Femininity.
In the year I’ve been online dating I would estimate I’ve met about fifty women. They range in age from 46 to 57. (Yes, I do date women my age.)
As I went on dates it wasn’t long before I noticed a consistent pattern:
The women almost all bashed their appearance in one way or another.
At first I thought it was self-deprecating humor but I soon realized these women were serious. They really did feel that negatively about themselves. Even more frustrating was that no amount of re-assurance from me would get them to change their minds.
Compliments were quickly dismissed.
As time went on it became more extreme.
Women would point out flaws that just simply DID NOT EXIST. The defects were entirely in their imagination. They’d point at something on their body and say, “see, this is what I’m talking about. Do you see it?”
I’d say, “No, honestly I don’t see it” (because it’s not there).
The perceptions were just so beyond reason, out of control, and the women inconsolable. It is just seemed insane. I’m a guy, know what guys like, and any of these women would be viewed by men as exceptionally beautiful.
Why would I ask them out if I didn’t think they were beautiful?
My experience has been that the results of the Psychology Today article are accurate. I wouldn’t say men dislike the fashion model types but rather they leave us rather flat and ambivalent.
Oddly, small quirks such as a hook in the nose, freckles, crow’s feet in the corner of the eyes, actually work in the woman’s favor.
Men are men, and their crudeness never ends as they get older, we’re just more discreet. When viewing a thinner woman fully half of the guys will make comments along the lines of “not for me I want somebody I can grab on to”. Or, the always romantic “I want somebody with some meat on her bones”.
We have no “type”. Even if we say we do we make daily “exceptions just this one time.”
If you looked at the photos of the fifty women I’ve dated you would see they each look entirely different. Different height, build, age, ethnicity. Taking things further, each guy is going to pick a different fifty.
So here’s the bottom line. There are two uniformly consistent qualities that men find attractive. Two things you have absolute control over:
Warmth and Femininity.
Signed, anonymous
So…?? What do you think? Tell me what you think when a man compliments you. And does anything he says surprise (or delight) you? Do you like hearing from men here. Leave me a comment below.
Bobbi Palmer says:
Yep you’re right, Sharon. I can’t write a single article for every type of woman on the planet. If this didn’t help you, perhaps try another.
Sharon says:
I’m a 56-year old lady who is 5’3″ and 100 pounds. I rarely comment on these articles but I am actually a little offended at the tone of this article as it pertains to a woman’s weight. This article is clearly not geared toward a lady my size.
ChelleBii says:
Wow, I wouldn’t find this result at all encouraging. It suggests that as a heavier woman, any man who may find me attractive, only does so because he is in a bit of a pickle so…expect a problem. And more to that, the likelihood of that interest shifting with a change of circumstance is high. So in dating I should look forward to playing musical flip a fixer-upper? WHEWwhew
Bobbi Palmer says:
So good to hear, Jill! Keep that promise to yourself. Bp
Jill Farris says:
Love this! I recently made the decision to stop the negative talk about my body snd I’ll choose to actually believe the compliments.
Bobbi Palmer says:
Oh that’s beautiful, Diana. Thank you so much for sharing that. Seems that you have yourself a good man. Good for you for being YOU and attracting that into your life. Bp
Diana says:
My current boyfriend (been dating five months) is 48, as am I. Early on (probably within the first month)–and this came out of nowhere, mind you–he said that even if I gained 100 pounds, he would feel the same about me… as long as I was happy in my body, my life, and with him. (To give you a better idea of why this was a big deal, he and I are both very fit people. I’m quite petite, only weighing 100 pounds “soaking wet”, as the saying goes, and he weighs about 170.) His point–which he continued to explain–was that although he really loves the package I’m in and thinks I’m “perfect”, it’s what in *here* (he said, tapping my forehead) and *here* (touching my chest where my heart lies) that REALLY matters to him.
Definitely one of the sweetest, most-genuine, and heartfelt compliments I’ve ever received… and I think it expands on Mr. Anonymous’s point. 🙂
Bobbi Palmer says:
I agree with what you’re saying about the constant compliments, Susanne. But most women I talk to would agree that one “you look beautiful” is a nice thing to hear, even from a man she just met. Then, like you said, more than that gets creepy and not-believable. Great point! Thanks for your comment. Bp
Susanne says:
Ah, the never ending compliments. Guys, don’t do it at least not before you know us a little bit. Telling us we look beautiful, cute, sexy and smart on the first three dates put you in the pile of all the other guys who bearly know us but think a compliment or five will get us in the mood. In fact, over compliments us has the opposite effect. We want to care for the man who compliments us. That’s right. We want him to be special and see us as special too! On my first date with 50 something guy, he told me 5 times that I was beautiful and he actually expected me to thank him each time for just saying the word. The word quickly became meaningless. Tell her she looks nice and you had a great time. All the compliments you need before you really get to know her.
Bobbi Palmer says:
Hmmm…interesting. Are you saying that men WANT us to be insecure? I wonder if men ask you that because they can’t figure out what’s ‘wrong’ with you. Like you’re too good to be true? Is it like that? Just curious. That said, I don’t disagree that women are doing more of the ‘heavy lifting’ in terms of learning to better understand men and be better communicators. I think the reason is twofold: 1) Culturally it is much more accepted for a woman to seek support for personal matters and 2) We are naturally better at it! Our brains are different and with our diffuse thinking (vs. men’s focused thinking), women are natural communicators. We rely on emotion and seek to bond, men rely on facts and seek to accomplish. No, it’s not 100% true of all of us, but it’s true of most. It’s nature.
Is it ‘fair?’ Maybe not. But I for one am more than willing to accept the responsibility if it means having a loving, thoughtful, relationship with a wonderful man. How about you?
SCUBAsabre says:
In reading this it made me think about the flip side. I am not saying women don’t do this but some of us don’t. Some of us are really comfortable with who we are. The flip side of this is the response men have to a women is comfortable with how she looks. Do I look like I did at 25 now that I am 46? No of course not and I don’t expect to either.
I have found men sometimes (not always) but they do respond negatively to a women who doesn’t complain. I have actually been asked on dates, what about myself would I change if I could? I seriously have been asked this…
When I say something pithy like, If I had an answer to that, I would already have done it. You are viewed as “arrogant”. It’s funny, men don’t like women who complain about their appearance, but don’t know what to do with a woman who doesn’t either.
I am not perfect (Who is?) and I work at keeping myself healthy… my weight fluctuates due to medications so I am up and down as much as 15-lbs sometimes. HOW#EVER, I never talk about it on a date much less within the first couple of months if at all. I share this because having discussed it with some men that were friends… a couple of my guy friends even acknowledged that they do see it more as a black and white issue.
I find it frustrating that all the blogs seem to focus on what women are supposed to do about themselves to adjust for male expectations and frustrations but in looking up the same for men… all I find are lists of complaints and who in women (with not flattering grouping names) men should avoid. I see little about what men need to do to accommodate what women’s expectations or needs are?
Do we all need to better ourselves? ABSOLUTELY and both genders need to work on self esteem and expectations but I am more than a little tired of the heavy lifting to accommodate being laid on women.
I say this as someone who does date and has been married… I am not saying this from a bitter or blaming place. I am saying this from observation of many men that have antiquated notions that are not being re-calibrated and they blame women for their lot… no mirrors.
I think there needs to be some equity….
Bobbi Palmer says:
Hi dear Maria! How amazingly wonderful it was to get your message. Thank you so very much for your trust and your kind words. I am beyond thrilled that I’ve helped you feel exactly the way every woman should feel: Beautiful and Hopeful. I also want to thank you for sharing my work. Spreading the word helps so many other women. I”m here for you and I’m sending you tons of love. Your grownup love story is around the corner, sister! Definitely your friend, Bp
Maria says:
Dear Bobbi, my email to thank and congratulate you is long overdue :o) I have to say that your approach and fantastic advice is so enriching, refreshing and empowering. The bottom line that I have taken from your teachings is for me to learn more about myself not with a critical eye but with kindness to myself. I always feel empowered and energized when I read any of your articles and attend your Grown Up Girls’ Night Out webcasts. You are such an incredible mentor, teacher and though we have not met, friend.
I share your website with everyone I come across who has started to date again or are in a relationship. By the way, I was lucky enough to find you via an article you had written for EHarmony. I did not meet the man of my dreams (yet) on that site but I found YOU!! What a bonus! I can go on and on but do know that you have contributed immensely to my growth and happiness in dating like a grown woman.
Keep the love going Bobbi, we need you! Blessings to you and Larry xoxo
Maria
Bobbi Palmer says:
Hi Rhonda, Like I sad earlier, I’m glad you’re here reading my articles, but encourage you to be more open to what I am teaching. I’ve been doing this a long time and see evidence of what I teach every day. Open up, Rhonda, and smack that chip off your shoulder. I’ve been there – mad at men – and it only attracts bad men into your life. Kindness attracts kindness. There are tons of good men out there! Hugs, Bp
Bobbi Palmer says:
Hi Zula. Thank you so much for your appreciation of my work. I’m pretty well known but it’s women like you who help me reach more women who need my help. Please share my work with others so they, too, can benefit. I’m so glad you are with me. By the way…how did you find me? Love to know!
Hugs, Bp
Zula says:
Can I just say what a relief to locate somebody who essentially knows what theyre talking about online. You definitely know how you can bring an concern to light and make it critical. Much more individuals should read this and have an understanding of this side of the story. I cant believe youre not extra well-known since you unquestionably have the gift.
Rhonda G says:
He’s full of it though. Men say they prefer all sizes, but that’s untrue. I wish I could give an encouraging nice,politically correct answer, but the reality is that most men lie and never look at themselves. They never place the same standards of physical face and body perfection on themselves.
Bobbi Palmer says:
I love you Lori! Thanks for sharing your story with all of us. It really helps a lot to understand the difference…that it’s not just how he looks it’s who he IS. So happy for you!! And of course I love to hear that men agree with this. Yay!
Bp
PS: Would you take a minute to let me know how I helped you? I’d so appreciate it. https://datelikeagrownup-com.mystagingwebsite.com/howhasbobbihelped
Lori says:
I showed this article to my new grown-up boyfriend (who I met largely because of Bobbi’s advice and blog), and he nodded and agreed with everything. By the way, he is 45.
Flipping the tables for a moment, my GUB (grown-up boyfriend) is a big guy. Not just tall, but big and tall. Right before him, I went out a couple of times with a comparably big guy, and I admit that I was turned off by the first guy, though I didn’t try to understand why at the time. However, my GUB has the opposite effect on me. I was intrigued, and had to dig deeper. The first guy rarely smiled, and he talked a lot about wanting to work out and lose weight. My GUB can light up a room with his smile, laugh and sense of humor (and that was the first thing that I saw when we met in person), and he oozes confidence. No negative self-talk. Ladies, his personality and confidence are SO sexy! Mr. Anon is telling us that men don’t think much differently – we need to listen!!
Bobbi Palmer says:
LOVE your comment, Melody. I’m so happy that you are realizing your value and your beauty. Good work, sister!! Thanks for sharing a bit of your story and your journey to self love. It’s damned important. Bp
Melody says:
Thanks for the article Bobbi. When I was married (Ive been single now for over 13 years) my husband’s nickname for me was Jabba (the Hut), It was so insulting, and coming from someone who was supposed to love me, did untold damage to my self image and esteem.
These things arent easy to overcome but I have been told by several men that they find me attractive, and it feels nice. I try not to self depricate, but thank them kindly for their lovely compliments. I also see other larger women around whom I think look beautiful, so there is no reason for me to think I’m not one of them.
I do really enjoy reading the guys perspectives on things, its like peeking into their secret world! I look forward to more man-fan articels.
Much love to you Bobbi and all the ladies out there.
Melody
Beth Luwandi says:
Oh my goodness, Bobbi! Thank you for posting this. As I am engaging in relationship (thanks to soooo much of YOUR wisdom) I AM finding this to be entirely true. Men find women attractive. just because they are! 😉 Pretty fun!
Helene says:
Bobbi –
I have been thinking a lot about both men and women who are afraid of getting into relationships. Often, instead of being honest of their OWN fear, they just blame something else, including: my body is too ________________. (old, fat, thin, paunchy, – just anything will do!). Its the same when some women say There are TOO few men out there – we outnumber them, blah blah. I respond that it only takes ONE man to make a woman happy. I just think we all need to be more honest about our real fears in order to find a man for us.
Terry says:
I am overweight, fat whatever you want to call me. By 50 pounds or so. In case you doubt it at the end of this post – I am a size 16 and weigh about 180. I’m blessed to be curvy in a proportional way but I’m still overweight. I have dated several men that the masses would consider either skinny or very fit. All of them had degrees, great jobs, money and lots of intelligence. All of them seemed to find me attractive even with my size. Oh and did I mention they were all either a few years older than me or younger than me and NOT 20 years older? Not sure I buy into this article. Way overgeneralizing but men seem to find a smile, encouragement and confidence to be some attractive qualities.
Priscilla says:
it is amazing to me that at 62 and 50 lbs more than when I thought I was at my prime in my 30’s, I feel sexier and more appreciated by men of all ages! I love my curves and so do men! When a 40-50 yo male appreciates my sensuality now, it is amazing!
I was just telling a friend in her thirties, I am dating more now than at any other time of my life.
Marie says:
Great post! When I was newly divorced and starting to date, I was lucky enough to read an article on this topic. Men don’t judge us the way we judge ourselves; they LOVE women’s bodies. I really took this to heart and made it a point not to be self-conscious naked, and it really works. Also, I went on one date with a man who made a comment about his spare tire (which wasn’t even noticeable). It was unattractive and I can understand how men don’t want to hear this from women either. Confidence is sexy!!
Bobbi Palmer says:
Oh Robin…you made me cry. I remember what it was like to feel that attention from a man after so many years of feeling invisible. Congratulations to you, wonderful woman. You have achieved so much; not just losing weight but consciously working on accepting your gorgeous self and getting out there to enjoy dating. So happy for you! Bp
Bobbi Palmer says:
Absolutely 100% agree, Pia. Amen. Thanks for your comment. Bp
Bobbi Palmer says:
I understand Diane, but I hope you really take in what he was saying: #1- Men are attracted to far more than just what woman looks like and #2 – Putting yourself down by “joking” does nothing except send the good men running. You are beautiful, my sister. Boobs or no boobs. I challenge you to work on a new definition of yourself because what you believe has been imprinted since you were very young. I don’t think it’s the truth. Hugs,Bp
diane says:
It’s nice to hear from the guys and their thoughts. I get compliments and appreciate them. However I don’t have a curve issue, I’m slender, but I was not blessed with breast. I have a hard time feeling good about that so I am critical of myself and make jokes about it to feel more comfortable. At the end of the day, it still makes me feel incomplete.
Pia says:
What I find disturbing about such a vast majority of women who Anonymous dated not being happy with their own bodies, is that this also translates surely to women being unsupportive and over-critical of each other? In terms of feminism and women going forward to meet their aspirations and dreams in all walks of life – romantically and career-wise, I count that surely as a total and utter disaster? It keeps things so small energetically, and kept down,…Nooooo!!….
Is this also what you want to pass onto younger women, your legacy for the future? If you don’t “get” it, how are you going to help others ? It’s one of the pleasures of being in an older age group we can get to pass on experiences – but ones like this need to be trashed in the bin.
Robin says:
I have to say I love this article…as a single 54 year old who has been through the wringer. I so appreciate all your advice. My self esteem had been so damaged by my weight and body imperfections that it stopped me from living. I turned 50 single and not even thinking of dating. I decided it was my time. I’ve lost 100 lbs and need to loose more…but still freaked out about dating. I have to say I decided to love my self and just go with the flow. The men I have dated have been so wonderful even telling me I’m beautiful… I almost cried. Thank you for all your articles and teaching me to love myself and have the confidence to believe in me!
Jan says:
I find this so interesting because I have been guilty of this self doubting when a man compliments me. I think it’s because the guys have all been younger by 5 to 10 years. That seems to be the ones that are interested for some reason.
Bobbi Palmer says:
Thanks Pamela!!! Good to know. Hugs, Bp
Sarah says:
Thank you. I had no idea that is all I needed was warmth and femininity.
As I read Mr. Anon article, I cried all the way through it. It seems so easy.
I will apply what he said.
Bobbi Palmer says:
Hi Ingrid! Thanks so much for letting me know that you like my “dudes” here. I adore them and am so grateful for their willingness to share with us. As to your story, CONGRATULATIONS for making it through that journey to accepting your gorgeous body. And just because I’m feeling the need, I have to say “F*CK your ex.” There. Feels good. 🙂 Love to you, Bp
Bobbi Palmer says:
Pam…I absolutely LOVE your story! Thanks so much for sharing it with us. Bp
Bobbi Palmer says:
Great comment, Jeff. Thanks so much. We always like hearing from grownup men here at Date Like a Grownup! Bp
Bobbi Palmer says:
Love it, Carmen! Bp
Bobbi Palmer says:
Here here, Lorri! And I think most men DO cut us some slack. It’s ourselves that don’t. Lesson to learn, for sure. Bp
Bobbi Palmer says:
Hmmm…interesting. But taken out of context one could presume many things about it that could be disturbing and unreasonable. They tested only 81 men, which is probably why this is in Time Magazine and not the New England Journal of Medicine. It’s very interesting to read the comments. If you all read the article, definitely read the comments too. Thanks Lynn. Bp
Ingrid says:
I also enjoy reading your Man Fans views, which are real and break the false perceptions I have of men’s views.
Throughout my 14 year marriage I was told “pull in your stomach” so you can imagine how poor my body image was.
Like many ladies I’ve done the weight gain/loss roller coaster and can honestly say I’ve finally, very gratefully, learnt to love my body with all it’s ‘curves and imperfections (thanks also to John Legend, BTW that song ‘All of Me’ is my love song to me when I happen to need reminding). It’s a body which is healthy and has (and still is) served me well..
Bobbi Palmer says:
You’re so right, Cindy. Once we truly feel our beauty, we shine! And most men can’t help but be drawn to that. Bp
Bobbi Palmer says:
Hi Heather. Yep, a thank you and a nice smile will light a man up. And consider stopping that focus on your “bits” okay? Men are smarter than we are when it comes to this. You’re beautiful because of those bits. They are just part of you. Hugs, Bp
Bobbi Palmer says:
Yes…for sure, Carrie! That’s why I constantly tell women who are using online dating sites that if a man asks for a thin woman, not to assume he means stick skinny. They just don’t judge us the same way we do. And THANK GOODNESS! Continue to enjoy being beautiful! Bp
Bobbi Palmer says:
Yay Lorie! I am SO excited to hear that you’re allowing yourself to experience that wonderful feeling of being appreciated by a man. And that you learned it in my Bootcamp…well that’s even better. Congratulations! Bp
Lorie says:
Happy to say I Just completed BP’s Bootcamp and I have shifted my whole perception concerning the acceptance of compliments from men. Wow ..brings being feminine to a new level as I graciously and happily accept compliments now. What a difference in me! What a beautiful feeling! I noticed how they pay attention and stay present on dates.
Carrie says:
I’ve recently realized that though I think men like thinner women I think their definition of “thinner” is is different from what women’s definition if “thinner” is. I’m a good 25 pounds over what I think I should be and I think that most men find me very attractive.
Pamela Harwood says:
Yes I DO want to hear comments from men. I want to know what they think and how we can communicate better.
Heather says:
This is nice to hear. I can do warmth and femininity. I think I look pretty good at 53,and I get compliments from the guys I date. However, I am aware of the bits I don’t like, so I don’t always believe them. When I started online dating, I decided that I would no longer make self-deprecating remarks. I simply thank them.
CINDY BLAIR says:
It took me 48yrs to figure it out,, You have ti Love and Respect yourself, if you who will,, Believe in yourself, We’re all beautiful in are own way,,God made each and everyone of us how can we not be bebeautiful, , but you have to believe way deep inside, , Then they all will notice how very special we all are. God Bless
Lynn says:
Men with scarce resources prefer heavier women, and men with abundant resources prefer thinner ones : http://healthland.time.com/2012/08/09/why-stressed-out-men-prefer-heavier-women/
Lorri says:
You have to cut the women some slack. They too are dating at a different stage of life and it’s hard to realize that the body you took for granted is different now … or that it takes more effort to maintain it.
Carmen says:
I really liked reading the article and I believe it too. I am 60 with a nice body and I get compliments from my man all the time. I really appreciate him for noticing. It hasn’t always been that way. When I was younger I didn’t like my body and compliments were few. As I got older I started to accept myself for who I was inside and not outside. I also started going to the gym and getting healthier. Compliments are always welcomed and I always say Thank you!!!
Jeff says:
Women need to be confident and comfortable with themselves. If they are not they will never be able to accept a compliment. Men are attracted to most women and the more feminine and friendly they are the more they see a beautiful person.
Pam says:
I’m 47 and my new boyfriend is 53. While I work out regularly, I’ve had three kids and my body shows that. I appreciate my curves and so does he. We’ve been joking about me getting a tiny tattoo recently. He finally decided that the perfect spot would be 4 inches in from my hip. I moaned that I would have to get a tummy tuck so it wouldn’t be hidden when my stomach sank even lower. He responded that it was perfect because then it would only show “on special occasions.” My smile couldn’t have been wider.
We’re not perfect. It’s time to focus on the positive and appreciate the way we make our partner feel and how they make us feel. I know I feel loved.
John says:
From the article: “If you looked at the photos of the fifty women I’ve dated you would see they each look entirely different. Different height, build, age, ethnicity. Taking things further, each guy is going to pick a different fifty.” AH!! Variety is indeed the spice of life!! Being 49 and single myself, let me tell you ladies, this man speaks truth. EVERY woman is beautiful as long as she is warm and feminine. And every woman is uniquely equipped with everything she needs to make herself attractive to any man in just those two qualities alone. Mr. Anonymous and I could be friends, were we not competing for the same women. HAHA!! 😉 (High five to Mr. Anon.)