As your coach it’s my job to guide you through navigating dating at this time of your life. As a woman dating after 40, I’m sure you’re finding that it’s quite different than dating when you were younger. Duh, right?
Well, I’m of the opinion that whether you’re in your 40s, 50, 60s or beyond, this is the best time to be dating. Today I’m going to tell you one of the reasons it’s so great. (One of the many reasons!)
When we were dating and mating in our 20’s we chose guys based on their potential. Potential to be good providers, or fathers, or attentive companions, or whatever else we thought we wanted and needed in a husband. What else could we do? We hadn’t really lived life yet, and neither had they.
Other than knowing a bit about their past girlfriends and what college they graduated from, there wasn’t much hard evidence to go on when choosing a guy. We relied on instinct, physical attraction, educated guesses, what our parents and friends said and the ever-reliable “chemistry.”
At that stage in our lives we were looking to CREATE a life with someone. Someone who was pretty much a blank slate. We thought LOVE could conquer all and that we could change whatever we didn’t quite like about our guys, right?
The men you are dating now are fully cooked, and we get to put the yummy icing on!
And we all know how well that worked for a large portion of the population, don’t we?
Now, here we are dating after 40. We’ve all been adults for 25 plus years and our “life resumes” are quite extensive. Whatever our romantic history, we know love does NOT conquer all and that compatibility and shared values trump everything. Now we are looking to LIVE a life with someone, not necessarily build one. We’ve already done that.
The good news is that now you’ve got a whole lot of evidence to go on when picking a mate for this stage of your life. In your 20s you didn’t have the history or information to know who a man is in any meaningful way. Now you do, and it is so much easier! You are not looking for potential anymore. You are looking for compatibility and you have his whole adult life history to go by.
The men you are dating now are fully cooked, and we get to put the yummy icing on!
When you get to know a man, you can clearly see how he has dealt with life’s challenges. You can see what he’s accomplished and how he’s treated the people in his life. You don’t have to hope he’ll be successful in his career and also be kind and loving, and adventurous, or god-loving. He already is or isn’t.
I’m not saying that, as over 40 somethings, we are set in stone. People definitely keep evolving and adapting. (At least the ones we want to meet, right?) We can make some changes, especially when we fall in love and want to make our beloved happy.
As a former confirmed land-lubber, I am now a happy weekend boater. All because I see how much my husband loves being out on the ocean. Since I love him and value our relationship so much I was open to trying it. Now it’s a happy part of our life.
For my husband, sharing feelings was not something he was comfortable with. But he loves me and knows I need that more, so he is learning some new skills so we can make our relationship even better. (Learning…not quite there yet.)
We can learn new things and try new experiences, but values, character and personality traits at this stage of our lives rarely change. A man who refuses to share his feelings is different than one who just doesn’t know how but would be willing to learn. Someone who isn’t generous isn’t going to start giving. Someone who doesn’t like being social isn’t going to start enjoying parties.
It’s the grownup dater who knows and accepts this. You don’t choose a 60 year old man for his potential. You chose him for who and what he is today. That means looking at him without unreal expectations or false hopes. You can see who he is in the way he shows up and steps up.
This is so great, isn’t it?
As a woman dating at this time in life, you can give up your fantasies and guessing about what a man might be or do someday and base your decisions on who you see in front of you. Isn’t this so much easier than putting your money on a 20-something blank slate? And so much more likely to end up in a happy, sweet, harmonious love story…one is based in reality and truth and what is right for you at THIS time in your life.
Does this change your perspective in any way? I want to hear from you.
Bobbi Palmer says:
Oh Christine…I LOVE what you shared here! Especially: “Sometimes, we wish we had met sooner. But on the other hand, we also think we wouldn’t have even liked each other’s 20-year-old selves, let alone loved them. We both made our fair share of relationship mistakes, and learned from them. So by the time we met each other, we had gotten a lot of mistakes out of our system. I really think we’re both better partners now than we would have been back then. Not to say that we’re so perfect now…but, we are certainly better and wiser partners now than we would have been back then.” Yes! Larry and I talk about this too. This is why it’s so wonderful to find love at this time of life. Thank you so much for your encouragement and truth. So glad you are here!! And congrats on your love! Bp
Christine says:
All of this is so true. I’m now happily married to a great man (not a boy!) who is so perfect for me it’s almost like we were made for each other. I can honestly say I don’t envy most women I know, who got married in their 20s. Some of those women ended up very disappointed when their college sweetheart’s “potential” didn’t match reality. I also know some others who started off in love in their 20s, but then grew apart over time, as they matured. It’s almost like they weren’t married to the same person any longer. I’m glad me and my husband both had more “evidence” about each other to rely on, so we could make more informed decisions about getting married (using our brains as well as hearts).
Sometimes, we wish we had met sooner. But on the other hand, we also think we wouldn’t have even liked each other’s 20 year old selves, let alone loved them. We both made our fair share of relationship mistakes, and learned from them. So by the time we met each other, we had gotten a lot of mistakes out of our system. I really think we’re both better partners now than we would have been back then. Not to say that we’re so perfect now…but, we are certainly better and wiser partners now than we would have been back then.
So I just want to give encouragement to the single ladies out there that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side, and there’s plenty of positives in dating at older ages. Dating really is like the cliché about fine wine…it can get better with time.
Bobbi Palmer says:
Hi Anne.I can only guess at why you haven’t heard from him, but truthfully I don’t think it matters. He’s married, right? I’m not judging you in any way here. But I am watching out for you, sister. There are so many reasons you should be glad he hasn’t been in contact.
1) He is not available.
2) You don’t know him at all. You knew him when you were very young. And you’ve been fantasizing about him ever since. That’s all it is, a fantasy.
3) Men who cheat on their wives cheat on their girlfriends.
4) He is not available.
That said, I’m going to guess that he hasn’t contacted you because he has second thoughts. That says maybe he’s a good man. But he’s not YOUR man, Anne.
I’m being direct because I think you need to hear it. I hope it helps you. And I hope you can now let go of this decades-old fantasy and start going after finding love with a “real” man who can love you. Hugs. Bp
Anne says:
Hi.
I have one more birthday in my 50s and have never married. One serious relationship a long time ago but I admit to a long-time love and yearning for a guy I met in my 20s. I really felt deeply for him but my job took me abroad and that was that. Yes he’s married now but there has always been a spark. Well suddenly I ran into him again six months ago and he gave me his number. We’ve been in contact by text and we’d ring one another. I met him one evening by arrangement and it was as if we were back in old times laughing and talking. But this time we got more intense and intimate. He told me he’d thought of me often and wondered how I was and what I was doing. I fell head over heels and was ecstatic. Didn’t tell him how I felt but he knows I have strong feelings after all these years. Continued to text, not daily but often. But now I’ve not heard from him for a month. I sent him a ‘how’s it going’ message…..nothing. Self esteem not great at best of times but thoroughly bewildered and hurt at his silence. I’ve read hundreds of your excellent responses. Please, how do I handle this one?
Tatiana says:
This is a very valid concern. This is why I’ve created a Self-Match compatibility app to shrink these months and years into days. When you meet someone again, try researching if he is right for you with Self-Match. Don’t waste years on finding out. Very sincerely and wishing you all the best,
Tatiana
Bobbi Palmer says:
Oh…that not really it, Amanda. I don’t want you to choose unacceptable men, just be more grownup about your criteria. You’re looking for a great mate, not just a great date, right? And, yes, your thought about self-sabotage is worth investigating. I often see women who discard one man after the other and it seems to me that she’s doing it as a way to stay single. (Unconsciously, of course.) Does this make sense? Bp
Amanda says:
Brilliant, thanks Bobbie, what a great way to look at it, now I just need to be less choosy, or maybe it’s ‘self sabotage’ grow up and accept more ‘unacceptable ‘ men : )
Bobbi Palmer says:
Hi Elaine. I’m so glad you absorbed that and it “landed” with you. This idea is so important because I’d love you to have a man who is “filly cooked” and makes you happy TODAY…not someone you think will change to make you happy. Glad you’re here and thanks for the comment! Bp
elaine says:
One of the previous commenters said that it takes a really long time to get to know someone and then you have to start over, should it not work out.
I know the length of time will vary based on the individuals involved, but I’m curious as to what most folks think is a reasonable amount of time for a person to know if they are in or out.
elaine says:
I’m so glad I came across your website last December. I’m 48 years old and a late bloomer. I discovered around age 39, dating IS so much better and easier than before. I’ve only really wanted to find someone to LIVE a life with in the past couple of years. After a recent breakup with a man I love and hoped would be the one, There was still a part of me that hoped there would be a chance. THIS blog post…this part in particular “but values, character and personality traits at this stage of our lives rarely change. A man who refuses to share his feelings is different than one who just doesn’t know how but would be willing to learn. Someone who isn’t generous isn’t going to start giving…” drove the point home. THANK YOU!
Bobbi Palmer says:
Like you said, Cheryl, time will tell. He may not enjoy traveling but may try for you. That’s a good sign in itself, but can you live with that? And question: If all else is really great with him, can you travel with girlfriends? Would that be acceptable to you? Just wondering. And btw, if he won’t share why he doesn’t like it, I think that’s a flag. Why wouldn’t he? I think it’s great that you’re giving him a chance to make you happy. Ultimately, though, take care of yourself and choose a man who makes you happy. Hugs, Bp
Cheryl says:
I never really looked at dating in my 40’s and 50’s in this way before. Thanks for the insight, and especially because it is a positive and uplifting message.
My boyfriend and I are trying to make a go of it again just recently after a break-up in October. My favorite thing to do is travel and he’s been reluctant but won’t say why. He has since told me that he’s willing to travel now and that he realizes how frustrated I’ve been in getting him to do more things. I keep asking him, “If not now, when?”
I’m willing to give it a go to see if he is sincere. I’m doubtful. Like you said, who they are now is who they are and are going to be. So has he changed or not? Time will tell.
Bobbi Palmer says:
Here, here, Dawn!! And so glad I can be here to support you. Hugs, Bp
Bobbi Palmer says:
Got it Danielle. Know what you mean. I suppose it can be looked at as difficult, but I prefer to think of it as just part of the journey. That’s what dating is all about and at this age it is more complicated, which means it takes longer. It’s just a fact. But the payoff is so much deeper and richer! If you have a pattern of relationships that last only a certain amount of time, you can take a look at how you’re choosing men, how you’re getting to know them (is it in a meaningful way?), whether your expectations are reasonable, how might you improve communications…there are many ways you can try to make it better for you.
Daniell Henrie says:
Yes, I liked your perspective and if we can find out all that information about him before we give our heart to a man, it would be ideal. It still takes a long time to really get to know a person, and when it doesn’t work out you have to start all over, which is the hard part.
Dawn says:
I got married at 27 divorced at 35 and been single since then no children. Now I’m 57 (don’t look my age) and never thought I would be single for so long but now I do appreciate it now. I’m a grown-up now and have a lot of life ahead of me. Thanks Bobbi for helping me navigate in this phase of my life. Ready for love again.
I can say a big amen to this. Infact I really hadn’t thought about it in those terms and that is a breath of fresh air. No longer hoping for the best or thinking you need to change him (which never works). What you see is what you get. Dating at this age allows you to choose fully with all the information needed standing in front of you. I’m not saying that there will be no mystery or challenges I think as a grown up you should know enough about life and how you can enjoy it with that special one.
I could of feel sorry for these young women in their twenties now the generation that feels they are entitled and the conversations they have with their girlfriends. I just laugh quietly to myself and think girllllll keep living all that stuff you think that is so important to you now means nothing in 20 years.