Lack of Confidence: The #1 Killer of Good Dates

It’s so fun being a dating and relationship coach. When I tell people what I do, I get wonderful reactions. The most common is ‘What the heck is a dating and relationship coach??” Some just skip to “Do you have a card? My friend/sister/mom/coworker/ex-wife can use your services!”

The question that used to most surprise me is “What’s the biggest challenge women face when dating?” I get asked that a lot. And the interesting thing is that it’s mostly asked by men. I respond by asking what they think, and every man has responded “self-confidence?” Every one.

Last night my cab driver “Martin” asked me that question, and he too figured self confidence was women’s greatest dating challenge. I asked him why he thought that, and he said it was because he knew that it was the biggest challenge for men, and he assumed it was the same for women.

Does that surprise you?

Here’s something else I hear often on this subject: men tell me that they meet many women who seem pretty great…but the fact that they don’t know they are great is a huge turn off. Frankly, the smart, accomplished, confident men are pretty tired of our lack of confidence.

How about that? Surprised?

So here’s what I’ve learned from this:

  • Men are no different than us when it comes to dating and relating. They have fears and insecurities. (Consider too that since they were young men they have been expected to be the one who is assertive and puts himself out there first. Ouch.)
  • Being fearful or insecure about rejection in dating will…well…get you rejected.

Now, I’ll leave you to draw your own conclusions. Are you confident? Do you believe in your worthiness to find love, and are you hopeful that you will? And how does your lack of confidence or self-esteem come through? Lack of eye contact, accepting compliments badly, trying too hard, or over-compensating by putting up walls?

Once you answer this, I want you to decide two things you are going to do differently as you date and come in contact with eligible men. Maybe you’ll be kinder and less judgmental. Maybe you’ll take some time to take a good look at yourself and practice some self-kindness. (I absolutely know you are fabulous!) Maybe you’ll go out there and just fake-it-till-you-make-it.

Here are more ideas of what you can do differently to build your confidence and better your chances of finding love. (These are fun!)

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