This is Nancy, Bobbi’s assistant and Grownup Girls’ Night Out producer. I’m guest-blogging today while Bobbi is taking well-deserved vacation.
We had an amazing response to the post “A Man-Fan’s Fiercely Honest Story of Dating after 50.” (If you haven’t yet read it, hop on over there now. It’s a must!)
In the article, “LM” described his experience dating as a man in his 50s; and they were not positive at all. (And btw, LM dates women who are generally within a few years of his age.)
So many women wrote to say that they saw parts of themselves in the women “LM” was describing. Some copped to being a bit of the Wow Me Woman, the hot/cool/cold woman when they get too busy, the Scaredy Cat or the woman who gives mixed messages because, well, she is confused. Fear does that to us.
Like Bobbi says, awareness of your actions that may be creating negative results is a huge step forward in this journey. As she also reminds you, it’s not about having to remake yourself in order to find grownup love. You are enough. It’s about making some shifts in perspective (a.k.a. learning new truths), acquiring new dating skills, clearing out any lingering bitterness and letting go of your fear of fill-in-the-blank.
Most of the comments we received after we posted the article said that you would love to date LM. I have to be honest: I wonder if that’s true.
It’s kind of a cliché to say you just want a nice guy who is fun, financially stable and decent looking. But is that REALLY true? Are you still waiting to be dazzled? Or waiting for him to change himself somehow so he meets some expectation of yours? Or maybe you’re expecting him to climb (what Bobbi so aptly calls) your Wall of I Dare You?”
After reading about LMs dating experiences, I hope you realize that men can be shell-shocked too. Do you show up on your dates (or in the world) as the woman who lets the LMs of the world just be who they are?
Can you be the one who lets LM relax and feel safe so he can show you how kind and interesting he is…and how anxious he is to make a deep connection and share his life with a wonderful woman?
I predict that the first woman like that – one who lets LM be himself and be her hero – will be walking down the aisle with him sooner than later. Mark my words! (Note: he found her and it’s happening. Sorry…too late.)
Bobbi’s contention is that there are tons of “LMs” out there, and there are specific skills you can learn to help you get to know them at a deeper level quickly. That way you don’t miss the good guys. And you also don’t have to take multiple dates over weeks and weeks before you realize a guys is not for you.
If he is an LM who is dating shell-shocked and maybe a little self-protective, you can get to his true, wonderful nature pretty quickly.
#1. Balance your head and heart.
#2. Show kindness to yourself and the men you meet.
#3. Take responsibility for your actions and outcomes.
If you are feeling frustrated or stymied, or just kinda tired of all this crazy mid-life dating and more than ready to meet the one, I get it! I went through the mid-life dating gauntlet myself and it wasn’t until I got into the “discover, don’t decide” mode that things finally clicked.
My husband and I dated for many months before we decided we wanted to be together. (Remember, this is Nancy talking. Bobbi and Larry married 6 months after they met!) We stayed in discovery mode for a lot longer than I ever had before, and
We stayed in discovery mode for a lot longer than I ever had before, and frankly, I was a bit out of my comfort zone. Thanks to my therapist, (like with Bobbi, there were no dating coaches to help at that time) I was able to slowly let our relationship unfold.
Before, I’d always had fallen in love pretty quickly, almost before I truly knew the man. And that never worked. This time around I was determined to do what it took to be in a happy, stable marriage. (Yes, a grownup one.) Our relationship was a slow burn and still is, 18 years later. And I wouldn’t have it any other way!
LM tells the story of how so many women expect to be wowed on the first date, or play hard to get games, or can’t get beyond their hurt and fear to relax and let him in. He told the story of how many women are completely missing the opportunity to get to know him…and that makes him not just a little angry, but sad. (Sound familiar?)
I hope you’re not that woman. I hope you’re the woman who can bring out the best in the men you meet. And I hope you’re the woman who knows how to set yourself up for success on every single date.
This is a gift you can give men, but more importantly, give yourself.
When you approach getting to know men this way, you’ll be able to relax with him, enjoy him and make a deep connection (if he’s a potential good match for you). You will absolutely magnetize the right men as your eyes open to all the opportunity for love that Bobbi and I see for you.
We want to hear what you think! How do you feel about helping to bring out the best in men? Are you able to? Are you willing to? Do you see how that can improve your love life?
(Again, if you haven’t yet read LMs thoughts on dating, now is a good time. It’s eye-opening.)
And here is one of Bobbi’s revolutionary tips to help you dig deeper and get to know the men you meet…anywhere and anytime.
Lastly, another must-read: What Dating after 40 is Like for Men (Remember Pinnacle #2? Developing empathy is the greatest kindness you can show.)
Bobbi Palmer says:
Here here, Wilma! Bp
Wilma Jones says:
Interesting article. I am over 50 and divorced and actively dating. Not as much as I’d like, but I focus on myself and what makes me happy. Usually when I am pursuing things that interest me, I end up meeting a potential date. But often things don’t work out, so I just look at it as an adventure, i think women put too much pressure on every dating opportunity and make things too serious. I focus on having fun.
http://www.LivingHappierAfter.com
Bobbi Palmer says:
Hi Diane,
This Bootcamp isn’t going to directly address how to get dates. It does give you some of this great information:
* How to understand what men really want and need in a partner,
* How to better describe yourself in your online dating profile
* Also, one of the bonus gifts is very useful for helping you meet men: Casting the Net: Where is He and How Do I Meet Him? This is a webinar you get when you purchase the bootcamp.
If this doesn’t seem right for you, stay tuned. I have programs coming that will most definitely help you with meeting men and online dating.
Bp
Diane says:
I am wondering if your “bootcamp” will help me actually GET a date? I don’t seem to be very successful in dating, online no bites at all, in the activities I participate in nothing, out and about in the community nothing. So, will the bootcamp help get the FIRST date? I think I do things right…friendly, open, make eye contact, always dress nicely with my hair fixed and modest make-up, try to initiate conversation and nothing.
Charlotte says:
Hi Bobbi,
I sent a reply September 4, to you, wondering why there’s been no reply from you.
Thanks
Charlotte
Noquay says:
Nina: I agree. I always treat first dates, even if I know it’s not likely to work, with respect. I make sure that I am paying attention, listen carefully to what they say, how they act and whether the two are in line with one another. Will give them a few dates and then have to cut it off if I am not feeling it. I too want a physical and intellectual connection. A good many blogs tell us older chix to “settle, settle, settle” completely ignoring the reality that doing so does not work. I strung along a poor guy for 6 months trying to force myself to want to sleep with him but aspects of his personality, his very short stature (which he lied about on line) coupled with his back condition (hunched) that was only going to get worse (he was in total denial about needing surgery) was a turnoff. Not something I am very proud of. Why did I do that? lack of choices and being sick of wasting my time and money.
Charlottej says:
Hi Bobbie
Have learned a lot from you thanks much. I live in Palmdale.
My short story is not the typical of being dazzled by a man and having feelings for him. I’m married and so is he. We share much in common, he is a test pilot and is gone a great deal. Then he comes home and to his family that’s where it stings. I’m beginning to feel Lonely because we can’t be together. Much and I have had 22 years in a wrong marriage and want to feel love and give love I just sort of feel stuck. I did email saying I’m excited and happy to see him and also, scary and nuts because we can’t be together often and just explained we are both busy and have much on our minds but I do enjoy when we can see each other . I think I was expressing that I need more of him and yet I also feel I may have to just be friends and not be so attached. Some advice please, even if I do t like it I need to hear something. Thank you for your time.
Charlotte
Michelle says:
Hi Bobbi,
Thank you for all the help you give. I’ve recently met a man who is all about me. Grant it, it’s only been a week but he tells me that he is always thinking about me and wants to see me all the time. We talk on the phone every night before bed and I feel like we are on the same page with raising kids, views on life, and what we want out of life. I almost feel like we are moving too fast and not getting enough time apart. (I was off work a few days this week and we met for lunch on those days). The only thing I feel that’s missing for me right now is the physical chemistry on my part. I know he’s really into me, but I don’t know how I feel about him. I want to give it more time to see how it goes. It hasn’t always been easy to find a man who is so into me. I appreciate your help and advice.
Julie says:
I found the article interesting, mostly cause I feel I get this from the guys. To be honest, I have taken a break from dating but I never ignore people, potential partners included. I don’t always like as much contact as girls tend to want in general, but I am always respectful and straightforward. As far as chemistry, it obviously has to be there. If it is, I know pretty quickly and then can move forward in getting to know someone. If it is not, that is where things get sticky. I think I have been guilty in the past of leading someone on in order to avoid hurting someone’s feelings. As an adult I have learned there is no good way to package a rejection. It is never pleasant so I now go with the “just rip the band-aid off” approach. As gently as possible of course.
I know guys think of being in the friend zone as a negative, but I wouldn’t look at it that way. If you find someone that you connect with, whom you can spend time with it is always a positive outcome. And there are plenty of examples of friends turning into lovers. I think some of the best relationships I know are best friends who just happened to have the hots for each other.
Bobbi Palmer says:
Hi Nina. I agree that if it’s not there…it’s not there. After a few dates you kinda know. If you’re really getting to know men in a non-superficial way, if you are allowing yourself to look deep and past what’s on the surface…then you know. But be sure you’re doing that or you can miss some really fabulous, sexy men. Love, Bp
Nina says:
Hello!
Thanks for sharing LM’s comments. I did find it interesting. I do not play “the rules” games with men. I am respectful of their time and always thank them for dinner or whatever they’ve paid for on our date. However, I still can’t get past wanting to feel physical attraction for someone whom I hope to spend future time with. I am a very sexually charged woman and need intellectual and physical stimulation from my partner. I have had this before, so I know it exists! After 2 or 3 dates, if it’s not there, I cut them loose!
Bobbi Palmer says:
Hi Alison, I”m glad you found a man who dazzles you…just please make sure that also translates into making you happy. They aren’t necessarily the same. 🙂 One check: How do you feel when you are NOT with him?
Also, be SURE to join me for the next Grownup Girls’ Night Out . I’m talking about How to Inspire Your Man – with Respect and Love – to Show His Love for You. If you haven’t registered yet for GGNO do so, and watch my last one which is about putting yourself and your happiness first so you can attract a fantastic man. (Yes, it IS all about YOU!) Register here for free if you haven’t already. https://datelikeagrownup-com.mystagingwebsite.com/ggno
Best to you…and make sure you are not putting blinders on about this guy. Chemistry and feeling dazzled can sometimes render us pretty dumb. (Not you, necessarily, Alison. Just sayin’.) xxooo’s. Bp
Alison says:
Interesting, and thanks for the good info. This time I’ve actually been ‘dazzled’ from the first moment (online) to the first coffee (which happened sort of by accident and a friend was with me) to the first lunch date…. to a weekend date… I have seriously never met a man like this in my life. I said to my friend after the coffee date: ‘oh my, I think I just met my husband’, then clapped my hand over my mouth cos it just ‘came out’, without me actually thinking it.
So we’re ‘dating’ I guess, But this is a man who knows how to date, and be romantic, and ticks all the boxes… and of course has ‘other friends’. I don’t want to be part of a ‘harem’, but he said he wants a relationship and has been ‘sad’ (sort of different connotation in Italian, meaning lonely) for the last couple of years without a partner. So it is what he’s looking for. The only thing is how to make it me. And in another language at which I’m not yet an expert.
I guess in the end, I can only be me.