Have you ever found yourself in a sexual lull? Maybe you’re in one right now. During my oh-so-many single years, I used to call my gaps in dating and intimacy “being on hiatus.” And the hiatuses were often pretty long. (Sorry…TMI?)
The truth is that extended periods of celibacy are somewhat common for single women over 40. Unlike our earlier years of joyful experimentation and bed-hopping, most of us aren’t sleeping with any guy that comes along. (Yes…pun intended.)
While these lulls can seem perfectly right for you at the time, lengthy abstinence can affect future relationships and sexual encounters. Whether it’s been a few months or a few years, it can still be the beginning of a troublesome path.
The old phrase “use it or lose it” pertains here. Going too long without sexual pleasure can cause you to become complacent. The memory of achieving pleasure can fade, which can numb you to the idea of intimacy and even make it seem like something unpleasant or unnecessary.
I suppose you can live without sex, but do you really want to? Many of my private coaching clients who had given up hope of ever being in love or having sex again have met wonderful men and are reinvigorating their sexual lives. They’re having a lot of fun and feeling even better about themselves as women. Once again it’s become an important part of their lives.
If you’re on your own hiatus, how can you prevent this sort of slippery slope to celibacy?
Let’s agree that sex without intimacy is not the best option. While it may feel good from the waist down, for most of us gals it’s bad for the neck up. (If it works for you, btw, I think it’s great. This is not a condemnation of anyone’s individual choice here.)
So what’s the alternative? Like many other things you do competently for yourself until a partner shows up, the immediate alternative is to give yourself pleasure. I know this topic can be a little uncomfortable, but it’s a reality in the lives of most single women in their 40s, 50s and beyond. So let’s get it out there: masturbation can be a great way to maintain your sexuality and sense of femininity during your lulls.
You may have come out of a loveless, sexless marriage that lasted way too many years. Or maybe you once led a sexually fulfilling lifestyle and have since stopped doing so because you haven’t had a steady relationship in your life. Maybe menopause has slowed you down.
Regardless, pleasuring yourself is a positive, healthy activity that I recommend you consider. If you’re not already partaking on a somewhat regular basis, maybe it’s time to explore the possibility. This might hold the answer to getting yourself excited about intimacy again. It can improve your spirits. It can help you relax and give you confidence. Oh…and it can feel great!
If you’ve never looked into adult products (aka sex toys), you may be completely shocked at the ways in which they can enhance your sexual and sensual experiences. Not only does using adult products help you during your lulls, but many men find incorporating sex toys into their love making a real turn on.
You may wonder why I’m writing about this; I don’t write about it often. But buying adult products is so easy these days since it’s all online. I recently visited Adam & Eve (gasp!). And because of my contact with women like you, I was asked if I would tell you about it. Heck yeah, I said! (In full disclosure, this is a compensated review. I trust that you know, though, that I only recommend things I believe in; and I believe in this.)
You’re reading this, so I know that you’re working on creating your best life possible so you can attract that special man. Being sexual and sensual is a big part of this. I challenge you to jump start your sex life now, even if the man of your dreams hasn’t appeared yet. He will; and when he does, you will be ready to enjoy all the elements of a fulfilling relationship!
(This post was brought to you by adameve.com. The stories, photos, experiences, and opinions are ALL mine.)
I can totally relate to everything you’re saying! I’m 45 too and in the same kind of situation, although my periods of unintentional celibacy tend to go in cycles of about 3 years, then I meet someone, it goes well for a few weeks and then it’s over. I’m sick of the rollercoaster ride.
Being a single parent, working full time, studying part-time for a degree, plus all the other domestic stuff has just left me with no time for myself. My kids are older now, 14 and 17, so I’m finding I have more available time and I’ve started trying to date again. I did actually meet a really nice man, ticked all the boxes until he told me he didn’t want to play “happy families”. Massive massive dealbreaker, so I ended it immediately as there was just nowhere for this relationship to go. He was about 10 years older than me and his life was about 2 stages further on than mine, he already had grandchildren. So now that’s made me wary of age differences.
I’ve been tying some of Bobbi’s advice and I am finding it easier to spot the jerks, but I’m already feeling exhausted with it. I hate first meets but I know there’s no way around it. Anyway, just wanted to let you know you’re not the only one out there!
Best wishes to all you ladies out there, and much love to you Bobbi for being here for us all.