This week the USA celebrates its Independence Day. That was a day I used to celebrate for myself every day: INDEPENDENCE!
Now, after 14 years of being married to a man who values my independence AND opens pickle jars for me, lends his fine brain to my decision-making, and generally has my back…I am proud to celebrate my DEpendence.
How about you? How do you feel about depending on a man?
When I was in high school my dad told me I better take typing classes so I could get a “good secretarial job.” (Hell no, I never did!) Dad also pushed me to go to college…so I could find a successful man to marry.
Gloria Steinem taught us about our tremendous power as women and that we didn’t need a man to be successful. (We thought) Gloria said that “a woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.” (While that was a powerful feminist battle cry, the quote was falsely attributed to her.)
We spent decades fighting for respect and advancement in the business world dominated by men, most of whom wanted no part of granting us any kind of advantage or influence.
And a lot of us grew up watching our mothers who had little or no power over their destiny. And they were stuck there.
Look, if it wasn’t for Gloria, Bella, and the other powerful feminist messengers of the times, we certainly wouldn’t have the opportunities and successes that we currently enjoy as women.
The other thing we wouldn’t have, though, is the fear and dread of neeeeeding someone…especially needing a M-A-N. I do not think this was actually the message our brave leaders set out to deliver!
Yes, the feminist movement empowered us to have control over our lives, which our mothers and grandmothers never had. But that governance didn’t have to be at the cost of feeling SHAME over welcoming the contribution and helping hand of a good man.
Somehow the women’s movement got construed by many of us as the “I don’t need no stinkin’ man” movement.
Dependence: the state of relying on or needing someone or something for aid, support, or the like.
If you’ve read my eBook 7 Secrets to Finally Finding Love After 40, you know that independence was my BADGE OF HONOR for a decades. And now here I am, depending on a man every day. My life decisions, my livelihood, my overall happiness…yep, I rely on him to support me with it all.
Now that’s some scary shit.
But here’s what else is scary:
The thought of being alone as I age.
The thought of having to do every single thing in life by myself, as I did for 30 years.
The thought of living without the love of a good man.
Now THAT is scary.
I know I talk and write a lot about men needing to be needed. That’s not what my Dependence Day celebration is about. D-Day is about what YOU get by accepting. It’s about doing something that allows you to be happy for the rest of your life.
Last year (pre-pandemic) I was thinking of this while I was on the beach switch my husband and granddaughter. There’s wind noise and I look like crap, but I hope you can get past that to hear my message and the assignment I’m giving you.
I’d love to hear your thoughts and know how you are going to do the assignment. Let me know! Leave your comments here.
Bobbi Palmer says:
Just since you have been doing it all in the past, you want help in your life now, don’t you Anita? Here’s an article to read: https://datelikeagrownup-com.mystagingwebsite.com/attract-smart-men/
Anita says:
Your questions are great, and like Bobbi I’ve been let down by many people in my life starting very young. I have had to be independent in order to survive because there was no-one else to depend on – it has never been by choice. After many years I’m very capable and as long as I trust my friend/family/?? I will move heaven and earth for them. I can say I’m dependent, but my life experience will show through whenever I problem-solve with a partner.
How can I appear non-threatening to a man, when I have to be the capable one in all my other relationships?
Bobbi Palmer says:
You are so so welcome!! I’m glad you’re here and starting to Date Like a Grownup early in your life. Smart woman! Bp
Kasey C. says:
I’m 21 currently and haven’t dated, or even kissed yet. People hit on me, but I’m scared to reciprocate, because nobody seems to be quite up to par (maybe I convince myself of this out of fear)… It seems like everyone just wants to hook up at my age.
I found your articles to be VERY helpful, and touch on a lot of these points, so thank you! I need to find someone who respects himself as much as I respect myself. Thank you so much for your advice!
Fazal Mayar says:
Thanks for this piece, every woman is scared of this but in this era, women are also very independent
Bobbi Palmer says:
Rachel my friend. You are neither ugly or two old. I thought I was too fat and I finally learned that I was the only one who thought that. As soon as I realized I was still a lovable person regardless of the size of my thoughts, I was able to go out and enjoy dating. I encourage You to focus on yourself and your self-esteem. Forget men for now. Give yourself a break and learn to be kind to yourself. Hugs. Bp
Kay says:
I want to date for love marriage serious relationship I’m a relationship girl am I wrong or asking for to much I’m 40 dont want to waste 5 /10 years on useful and sexual relationship why is it so hard to find someone that want the same thing
Rachel says:
Nice post Bobbi. My parents have been married almost fifty years.
Their marriage is one of interdependence. They got married at twenty.
Watching happy marriages like theirs makes me more discouraged and less inclined to ever date again at forty-six.
I always wanted to marry but felt too ugly and fat in my twenties. It may have been social anxiety that made all guys ignore me.
Years of forced singleness have proven I don’t need a man after all.
As a risk averse individual I’m mulling it over in my mind whether “putting myself out there” again is even worth it. The odds of any meaningful connection are very, very small.
I don’t play the lottery.
Bobbi Palmer says:
Hi Gail. Yah, it’s not so scary when you look at it as a gift you are giving people. It’s awful that people have betrayed you. I get it. We all have to be thoughtful about the people we choose to trust. And sometimes we try again and again with the same people. I suppose we all have to create our boundaries around what to accept…and move on from those who won’t/can’t step up. Basically, look for people like YOU, Gail! 🙂 Bp
Gail says:
Holy Cow, Bobbi. This one hit home quickly. First, I like your definition of dependence. I never looked at it that way. Second, after listening to the questions, the first thing/s that came to mind, sadly, were the people who betrayed me. Last, I ran quickly through the list of the folks in my life that I know can trust me, because I am trustworthy and have never betrayed anyone’s trust.