You feel ready to move forward in your relationship and want a commitment to date exclusively. He hasn’t brought it up. What is a smart, single, over 40 woman, who knows what she wants supposed to do? Just wait it out patiently? Or cut and run?
Neither. There are definitely things you can do to move the relationship forward. Read my advice to “K.”
Hi Bobbi,
I met a man at the beginning of January. He is kind, considerate, funny and there is no doubt that we enjoy each other’s company. I am extremely attracted to him on all levels.
We are both busy and have full lives, however, he is a shift worker so getting together is more dependent on his availability (he’s a cop) than mine.
We are both busy and have full lives, however, he is a shift worker so getting together is more dependent on his availability (he’s a cop) than mine.
We have had 6 dates (all fabulous) and I feel confident that he initiates contact (texts) as often as I do. I do not doubt his sincerity and I know he likes me. He is considerate, does very kind things for me, is very touchy in an appropriate way …
Before we met he said that he rushed into his first few relationships right after his divorce and he wasn’t going to do that again so I don’t say a word about “status”….(I take part in your webcasts and read your articles…I am learning how to date like a grown up, thanks to you. Lol). We both also established that neither of us wants to get hurt (who does) and that we each have our walls up to protect ourselves.
I have a tendency to rush into things too or to force them. This time is different. I am deliberately exercising patience, refraining from reaching out excessively, respecting the space between us.
I am having fun and dating other men who ask me out (only if I’m interested in them..I don’t need to “fill a void” in my downtime), however, my heart isn’t into other men. It is him that I want but I don’t know how to navigate this.
I have been on my own much longer than him so I that much farther along the continuum….
Can you offer me advice? Thanks for everything.
Hi K,
I see the signs that he’s definitely into you. And that you’re feeling impatient. I understand, but still think it’s best that he make the ‘formal’ move to express his desire to be exclusive. That said, it doesn’t mean you can’t give him every signal that you’re ready.
What does that look like?
In other words, don’t be shy about your feelings for him. There’s no need to do the hard-to-get crap or play any games. If you’re both scared and neither of you communicate your feelings, your relationship is doomed.
Someone has to be the one that says shares straightforward, yummy feelings. It’s okay if it’s you, I just don’t want you to be the one asking the ‘where are we going’ question or making the suggestion. (I know that seems old-fashioned, but there’s a reason it’s been this way for eons; men generally want to lead when it comes to these things. I say let him.)
Is putting yourself out there this way a little risky? Maybe. But it is SO worth it when you help him feel more comfortable so you can start talking more freely about your feelings, what you each want in a relationship and how you see your future. (Note I said start talking. He may not be in the same place, but starting the conversation can move you forward in leaps and bounds, regardless of the ultimate outcome of your relationship.)
Remember, too, that deciding to date exclusively doesn’t mean you’re getting married. It just means that you have decided to focus on each other because you think there is potential for something wonderful together.
One more thing: Kudos for continuing to date other men, even if your heart isn’t fully in it. This will help with your impatience, keep your dating skills sharp and remind you that if it doesn’t work out, there are a ton of nice single men out there.
With love and support,
Bobbi
Bobbi Palmer says:
Hi Tina, Follow me, of course! I’m the right one. LOL! I’m kidding. Evan is dang smart and good at what he does. I, however, focus on giving you advice to attract grownup men. These are men who have ‘been around the block’ and if they’ve been dating for some time have experienced all kinds of women; most likely that includes ones who want to be treated like a princess and not have to give anything back. (Yes, there are lots of those women out there.) Dating a 55-year-old man is different than dating a 30-year-old. I’m not saying on the second date to offer to take him to dinner next time. But on the third, you can offer to buy the theater tix or the ice cream. Most men will decline, but they will receive the message that you appreciate them and don’t expect to be taken care of without reciprocating in any way.
Here are a couple articles to read (if you haven’t already). Lots more of my advice on this topic here. Hugs! Bp
https://datelikeagrownup-com.mystagingwebsite.com/the-difference-between-dating-men-and-boys
https://datelikeagrownup-com.mystagingwebsite.com/what-dating-after-40-is-like-for-men/
Bobbi Palmer says:
I’m so glad you’re here with us, Becky! Doesn’t matter that you’re not yet 40 — you obviously want a grownup relationship. That’s what we all have in common. First thing I advise is that you don’t assume he’s like the other guys. That results in you responding to him differently by putting your walls up…and even if he is still All In he will see you pulling back…creates a cycle that’s hard to end. So…you let him have a little space, keep your heart and mind open, and your eyes, to make sure that you aren’t making things up or responding based on past experience. Maybe he’s been busy or there are other things going on in his life. Since you are in a committed relationship I assume you have some good communication. Talk to him. Tell him how you feel abotu him and that you’ve had relationships in the past that fizzle…and you don’t want that to happen here. Let him know that you truly want to understand what he wants and needs from you rght now. So, have an adult convo – no guilt, no threats or drama…talk about what’s going on. Be honest and listen…really listen to him. That’s how to start. Hope this helps. Hugs. Bp
Becky says:
I love your sound advice, Bobbi. I even like that you threw in the word “crap” when talking about playing hard to get. There is something about your approach that is very grounding for me, so even though I’m kind of sneaking here (being in my late 30’s and not 40+ yet), I don’t want to approach dating any other way. I am dating a really great guy right now. We didn’t start off too rushed and when he wanted to commit, I wasn’t quite ready because I was dating other guys and was having a hard time knowing who to commit too– what a terrible problem to have right? He was patient and stuck around while I made up my mind. We’re dating exclusively now and we’re still in the initial stage of getting to know each other. I have felt though lately just a slight pulling away on his part– not texting as much, not being quite as chatty about the future, etc. I have had guys who do this slow fade out and when I see him doing a few things that are similar, I get triggered from my past experiences and how crappy it felt to have someone take a step back or just disappear altogether. What tips do you have on how to handle things when a guy who has committed starts to take a step back? How can I give him his space and take care of myself in the meantime? Thank you!
Tina says:
Hi Bobby,
I am somewhat confused as I read your blogs and Evan Marc Katz. My confusion is about whether women should plan dates early on when dating a guy. Evan advises that let the man call you and do all the planning, and it’s up to the woman to NOT lead in that way. She needs to accept the dates and mirror. Of course, Evan like you also advises to be thankful and cheer lead the man for his efforts and show him my interest
I’m in early dating with a few men – gone out on 2 dates. in the post above, you mention that K can plan a date here and there – suggesting a movie or restaurant after a few or several dates.
On that level, what Evan advises is different than what you advise…which one do we follow. He is big on mirroring and letting the guy chose you and make all the effort because psychologically men like the chase. Can you please enlighten me on this further? Thanks so much! Always love reading all your amazing emails!