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Time to Meet Your Grownup Man: Step 3

H-E-L-L-O! Are you still with me? I know this is a bit instructional and maybe not all that fun. But trust me: This exercise is an absolute must! You have to be clear on the man and the relationship you want before you can actually have it in your life. If you don’t do this:

  • How will you attract him?
  • How will you know him when you see him?
  • How will you avoid the man you don’t want?

Step 3: Back to Reality; Who Is He, Really?

Now…let’s get to the real work: Which of these attributes are truly essential and fundamental to your happiness? What must he have, know, think, or be able to do? What would be nice but not essential to your ability to love this man?

Must Haves vs. Nice to Haves

Must haves are the fundamental qualities you need in order to create and maintain a lasting and fulfilling relationship. If the man doesn’t have this quality or make you feel this way when you’re with him, a relationship with him will absolutely never work. These are non-negotiable and mandatory.

Nice to haves are negotiable. These are not required, and you can be flexible on these. These are often personal preferences having to do with looks, hobbies, occupation, background, etc. If your man has this, it’s fantastic. If not, the “must have” qualities will surely overwhelm these.

Here is your Step 3 to-do:

Create a list of the attributes you want him to have and the feelings you want to feel when you’re with him. (Some of these may overlap.) Use the journal, list, or story you created in Step 1 and the Things I Want list as your reference.

  1. Be as specific and descriptive as you can. You’re not limited to a single word; use a sentence if it helps you clearly describe your need.
  2. Draw two columns, labeled “Must Have” and “Nice to Have.”
  3. Make check marks next to the “Must Have” items and the “Nice to Have” items in the appropriate columns. Use pencil, as these may likely change as time goes on.

Some tips to help you through this exercise:

  1. Remember that this is about the man you’re going to spend your life with, not the guy you’re going to date. (Sometimes this helps move must-haves over to the nice-to-have column.)
  2. Repeat my mantra: “I am Not 18 Anymore.” Be aware of beliefs that have stuck with you over time, but may no longer hold truth for you. What is true NOW?
  3. Be realistic. You must make room for the reality that when you date grown-up men, you meet real men who have life experiences and maturity that impacts their ability to be that “perfect” guy you dreamed of when you were 30. (I’m sure you hope he’ll view you with the same humanity and maturity.)

Do you know your life partner better than you did before? Were they any surprises or lessons learned? I want to hear your thoughts and experiences. I also want to hear your plan for meeting him. We want to meet your man! Please share your comments with our community .

  1. I am working on all the lists. This is so helpful and hopeful.
    I will let you know how I progress.

  2. I dated a charming man for six months. He was everything I’d been looking for: handsome, smart, playful, generous and sexy. He had also been married four times and had two adult sons (25 and 27) living at home. That didn’t bother me while we were dating but as soon as he began pressuring me about marriage and moving in with him, I broke up with him. I had tried to deny my feelings but knew I could never feel totally trusting or accepting of his past or his family arrangements. It was difficult but definitely the right thing to do.

  3. Hi Johanna. I’m sorry to see you in this situation. You’re not alone, unfortunately. Many women find themselves here. And they get through it to happy times! This is a lot more than I can help you with in this venue. Here is what I can say: It is certainly NOT too late for you. It’s not too late for you to find real love or for you to repair your relationship with your kids. Where you need to go is to a coach, therapist or mentor. I would look for someone who specializes or has experiences with your type of situation. I can definitely give you HOPE and some good information, but you need someone who can dig in and help you get back on your feet. It takes some time, but You can 100% DO this. Starts with action so…go for it! And btw, when you take action and start making positive changes in your life THAT will bring you closer to your girls. I can almost guarantee that. I’m really glad you’re here. Hugs. Bp

  4. I have been married to a narcissist for 26 yrs. I left 1 yea go as my self esteem hit rock bottom and I told him he needed to figure out what he wanted. He was always fun, drew admiration from others but when I got hurt at work, he didn’t kick in kick in more financially. His military retirement wasn’t enough and he needed to get a job. We lost our house (that I initiated in buying) and it was all my fault. He went back to school but I was trying to change him. He didn’t want yo work someplace that he didn’t like. He now works where the only people who are really impressed with his stories are the students of the school he’s facilities coordinayor at. It’s sad that this is where he is at 56. It’s even more sad that my heart breaks for him despite all of the heartache through the years. There were good times, but I was the one who footed most of the bill; including our wedding, rings, honeymoon, car purchases etc. our youngest (his biological) daughter at 24 has developed some of the same condescending behaviors that he exhibited after she moved back home for 2 years. Now I’m the selfish one for putting myself first without considering her needs. She has begun to yell at me which I have nipped in the bus (most of the time) and have tried to help her realize that these behaviors are not just limited to me but that if she doesn’t change them now, she’ll never be in a happy, successful relationship. She’s in a relationship now with a very nice young man but I believe that when they have disagreements, he clams up and she does the yelling, then falls apart afterwards when he says something hurtful in his defense. My oldest daughter is with a nice guy who works hard but has no backbone at work or with his ex. No motivation at home unless she’s in his ass. My middle daughter has been married for 8 yrs to a freest guy who works hard, takes care of his family but supports her in her silence to her side if the family. FaceTime over a few days each year for her birthday and my granddaughter’sbirthday is the extent of real communication we get. She may or may not answer texts but never phone calls. Even to my 74 yo mom. His family has never met us and I’m sure somewhere in there are fabricated stories. I have not seen her in 6 years despite efforts to ask to visit. I’m in NC and she’s in Chicago. How I screwed up my children’s lives by being married to Mr. Fun, Mr. Explosion vs Rational, Mr. I’m Grown You’re not so do the damn chores. How can I work through all of this? I’m 53. Is being in a healthy, happy relationship too late for me? How do I help my girls be stronger women? How do I stay an emotionally healthy mom for them? Where do I go from here?

  5. […] Next post, Step 2: Who Gets Kicked to the Curb? Step 3: Your Final Step […]

  6. […] Next post, Step 2: Who Gets Kicked to the Curb? Step 3: Your Final Step […]

  7. Oh I am SO SO happy for you, Alice. You’ve worked hard and deserve that happiness. I hope I’ve helped you get there in some way. Woohoo! Thanks for letting me know. Enjoy and stay in touch. Bp

  8. Bobbi — I think the Universe FINALLY heard me!! I’m dating the most wonderful man…I haven’t been this happy for years. Alice

  9. Thanks Barbara. Got it. 🙂 Bp

  10. You mean say “You’re Not 18 Anymore.” IF YOU have beliefs that have stuck with you over time but may no longer hold truth for you? Otherwise it sounds like you want me to stay with these beliefs…

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