Posting online profile photos can feel agonizing, especially for women and most especially for women dating after 40. Writing a profile and filling out questionnaires can be a challenge, but the posting pictures part is the hardest part for many.
It’s true that you’re putting yourself out there and a lot of men are going to look at you. And we’ve all heard about men being very visual, so it makes some sense that you’re concerned you can be rejected for your looks.
I’m going to give you some truths about what most men are looking for in your profile photos and give you do’s and don’ts that will help you have fun and end up with some great shots of your gorgeous self.
Contrary to most beliefs, attracting men – especially men who are dating after 40, 50 and beyond – is not all about how young or skinny you are. Mature men who want connection and relationship (aka the men you want to meet) are looking at your profile photos for information about you.
Your profile photo tell men a story. He is looking and thinking: Does she look open, friendly, healthy, confident? Does she look nice, interesting, fun?
There are millions of real men online who are looking for a real woman. (I met my husband online, so have the vast majority of the women I coach.)
Your pictures give a sense of whether you would be someone they might like to meet. And there are all kinds of men who are attracted to all kinds of women. This is especially true of men dating later in life.
Here’s another thing: Both women and men post profile photos that are outdated, have them hiding behind sunglasses or are too dark to really see. Women, in particular, post photos that don’t show their bodies.
When you hide or don’t tell some story of who you are, men are going to pass. And if you post old pics, they are going to feel duped when they meet you. (I know that’s happened to you before. It’s not pleasant.)
There’s no reason to post a profile photo of you when you were 20 pounds lighter or 20 years younger. Just DON’T.
This is part of mature dating. You want to MEET these men, right? Well if your pictures are misleading you’re surely going to be met with resentment. (You don’t want him to post a photo with hair and then show up to your coffee date bald as a cue ball, do you?)
Stop worrying about how your body looks at your age and remember: you’re not 30 and you’re not supposed to look like you’re 30. Men appreciate REAL women and want to see that in your photos, so don’t try to hide yourself.
Your online dating profile and your photos are the first impressions you will make. When you proudly show who you are and express it in a way that men appreciate, the right men will be attracted. (Got that: the RIGHT men.)
Follow these profile photo do’s and don’ts and your pictures will attract the right men:
Honestly, women are far more critical of their appearance than men. Men are trying decide whether they might like you; not whether you look like a fashion model.
So just relax, sister. Get someone to take some great profile photos of you, or better yet, have a professional take your pictures. Then proudly put yourself out there…because you are a beautiful woman!
Here is a suggestion for a company that specializes in taking online dating profile photos:
Online Profile Pros For a nice discount, enter code BOBBI10.
There are other companies that specialize in profile photos, so feel free to google away!
** In full disclosure, I am an affiliate of Online Profile Pros so if you choose to hire them, I do receive a small commission.
Bobbi Palmer says:
Good advice, “C”.
C. Blue says:
Suzanne, feel free to say hello. We like that. But just so you know POF frequently lies about So-and-so being interested. I was once told that this woman was not only “interested,” but the coveted “wants to get to know” me. I checked her profile, and she made it clear–ABUNDANTLY so–that she had NO interest in black men. I wrote her just to let her know that the system was claiming that she was very interested in me, and perhaps there was some kind of error. She had never seen my profile, and was–I suppose the best word is “offended” that someone like me would waste her time.
I haven’t trusted their “is interested” notices since. If someone messages me, THEN I’ll start to buy it.
C. Blue says:
Ladies . . . DON’T POST PHOTOS OF YOU WITH YOUR EX. Or any guy that we might THINK is your ex. That includes your adult sons, nephews, and pool boys. That doesn’t mean crop them out of the picture, it means only use ones they weren’t in in the first place. In fact, don’t crop ANYONE out. All that does is make us wonder whose shoulder you’re snuggling up to and why you chopped their head off. Yes, that includes your daughters. And by the way, unless you like potentially awkward moments, you don’t want pictures with your adult daughters on your dating profile, especially if you don’t identify yourself in the caption (never mind that you are blonde in every picture and your daughter is bald. We guys are stupid that way–yes, even the guy you want).
And for the record, if your description is a laundry list of dealbreakers or a treatise on the undesirability of Scrubs, we’re probably not going to bother finishing it.
Bobbi Palmer says:
Sure Sandra! Love to see it. SO glad you are getting good results. Your pro pics should be blended with a couple more casual ones. That’s the best approach. Make sure the casual ones are good, though. And don’t worry about what they might think. You’re getting good results. That’s what counts! Hugs,
Bp
Sandra says:
Thank you for all you post. I’ve updated photos and made a super cute profile that I’d like to share with you. It’s gotten me many hits – with the same men I’ve been looking at for 2 years:). They didn’t respond before. I’m worried about them perceiving me as an imposter though, because the professional photos are so good! If you’re interested in reading my profile, I’ll share…
Thank you!
Sandra.
Bobbi Palmer says:
HI Caitlin. I’m so very sorry for your loss. No wonder you’re heart broken. I’m glad to hear that you think it’s time to date again, and especially happy to know that I’ve been of service to you. As far as a site, there are many choices. I think you’ll be glad to know that it isn’t true that a lot of the most popular sites are for under 40. In fact, I have many clients using Tinder and there are a lot of quality men looking for relationships. Tinder, however, may not be good for you just yet. It’s good if you are pretty flexible in your time, and if you want to meet men pretty quickly without too much contact first. (Maybe texting but I don’t consider that any kind of meaningful contact.)
If you’re looking for a free time, you might try Plenty of Fish (www.POF.com). I always recommend that you do paid membership because people are more committed, but I understand that you just want to try it out. And if you want to read articles of mine about online dating, start here: https://datelikeagrownup-com.mystagingwebsite.com/?s=online+dating
Best to you, sister. Hope this helps and thanks for ‘talking with me’ here. Bp
Bobbi Palmer says:
Hi Suzanne: Don’t hesitate to make the first move! Here is an article that will help you with that first email:
https://datelikeagrownup-com.mystagingwebsite.com/how-to-get-dates-online/
Enjoy! Bp
suzanne pilot says:
Who should make the first move? I am on Plenty of Fish, & I just was notified of a mutual match, yet I have not received any flirt or email from the guy who is interested in me. I don’t want to come across as pushy or chasing
Caitlin Kinahan says:
Hi Bobbi! I just found you/your site (and thank God might I add! :-)) so I realize I’m a little late to this party as it were, but I’ve yet to find the right spot to jump in with my question and this seems semi relevant. I haven’t really dated since online became an actual validated way to meet decent people and the one time (before meeting my fiance) I did try it, I think it was match.com, they consistently matched me with people that could not have BEEN more wrong for me. I realize that this has evolved tremendously since then but it wasn’t for me. Anyway, fast forward and I’m 42 and my fiance passed away unexpectedly just under 2 yrs ago and although I’m still heartbroken, I’m also lonely and feel like I need to reintroduce myself to the land of living but I don’t even know what the best site would be and a lot of my younger friends are on tinder and match (a few are even on that fish in the sea site) and I don’t want any of his friends finding me on every site under the sun, so I really just want to try one site and see how it goes. But I also want that one site to be one that would have a large 40ish/40+ population so from what I’ve heard that eliminates a lot of the most popular sites (like tinder e.g.). Can you recommend a site that might be fitting for a young at heart but old souled 42 yr old? And also preferably one that’s free until I’m ready to put more than my toe into these unfamiliar waters? ANY advice is greatly appreciated. Thanks Bobbi! I don’t think I’d of had the courage to try if I hadn’t found you but thanks to you I’ve decided my life doesn’t have to be over after all. You’re a treasure. Thank you!
crystal says:
Well, I must be doing it wrong…I was rejected just the other day by my selfie photo, i.e., wearing a sweat shirt zipped up to neck, no makeup….at all; non-smiling; in my bedroom, either before going to bed or when I woke up….he said he just didn’t feel any chemistry…I think I’m sabotaging myself! Now that the sting wore off, I could almost see that a guy could figure, you’re trying to get RID of them by giving them a “bad” photograph, knowing they wouldn’t like it! Oh well!
Bobbi Palmer says:
Hi Theresa. You have good reasons why you shouldn’t post pics. You will definitely get way less attention if you do not. One choice is to try Plenty of Fish (http://www.pof.com). They allow women to post a profile and hide it from everyone except the men with whom they make connections. May be a good solution for you. 🙂 Bp
Theresa says:
I have what is perhaps a rather odd problem with posting photos on an online dating site. I live in a small community+extended area where I am fairly widely known because of my profession, which involves counseling and spiritual care. I therefore need/want to maintain some degree of privacy in relation to seeking a potential life partner. When I went online several years ago, I included a note with my profile that I would be happy to share photos`privately via email, and I met someone really special I was involved with for about a year. I’m now ready to look online again and know that not using photos significantly handicaps my chances of connecting with someone that way. (Moreover, I’m considered very attractive.) Is there a way of dealing with this I haven’t thought of?
Rosemond says:
Enjoyed your post and advice. yes, as women we do often try to hide our bodies in online dating photos, we feel so “flawed”, instead of accurately showing ourselves. In the long run, yes its best to accurately portray yourself but that truly is scary!