Are you a smart, independent, single woman who is dating after 40 and having a hell of a time finding good men to date? Are you starting to think there are just no good men out there who can handle your strength and brains?
I hope you don’t mind my saying this: you are w-r-o-n-g.
As a dating and relationship coach – and a woman who was a first-time bride at 47 – I’m quite aware of what we tell ourselves:
Men can’t handle smart, powerful women.
The only men left at this age are man-boys, jerks, and players.
I’m not giving up my freedom for some man who’s going to tell me how to live my life.
I’m too old and stuck in my ways. I can’t change and men will want me to.
Oh yah. Sing it! These were my mantras for years.
I hung on to them nice and tight until I realized that they were MYTHS.
And believing that rubbish — and many other old truths and lies — led me to fall for a lot of really WRONG MEN in my almost 30 years of singledom.
The truth was out there plain as day but, as we do with so many beliefs, I simply refused to see the contrary evidence. (Hey, I believed this to be true. I hate being wrong!)
Some of the things you thought you’d never let anyone influence in your life become things you can’t wait to talk to your man about. And having his strong, steady hand is a gift you will feel grateful for every day.
One of those myths is that your fierce independence and being set in your ways keeps you from finding love.
Allow me to share some of what I learned that cleared the way for my grownup love story.
Here’s a picture of my life as a single woman before I got married at 47 in 2006…
No one told me how to think or feel.
Compromise was something I rarely had to do.
I didn’t owe anyone anything, so no one was the boss of me.
I made all my own decisions.
I was successful and charted my own path.
I created the lifestyle I wanted including hanging and traveling with my girlfriends, buying what I wanted, and going where I wanted when I wanted.
Okay…fast forward to the present…
Here’s what real life is like as a married woman…
No one tells me how to think or feel. (Okay, almost never but I don’t have to listen to him.)
Compromise of any consequence is something I rarely have to do.
I don’t owe anyone anything, and no one is the boss of me.
I make most of my own decisions (but have help when I need it).
I am still successful and chart my own path (with your help and the support of my smart husband).
I have a lifestyle of my choosing, see and travel with my girlfriends when I want, buy what I want, and maintain my own priorities and routine.
Do you see? My life is essentially the same as when I was single.
I admit that I have to occasionally compromise.
I constantly have to put food away that he doesn’t put back in the fridge. (I can’t tell you how much cheese I’ve had to throw away.)
And, yes, I do check with my hubs before I plan a trip with my girlfriends or make a big life decision that affects us as partners.
Here is what I get in return:
a lifetime companion I can count on. A partner who puts me first, supports me in everything I do, makes my life easier and more joyful, and makes me feel special, safe and loved every single day.
Your beliefs about the limitations of dating after 40 are based on myths, sister. And once you let it go you open yourself to endless new opportunities to bring love into your life. I know because I’m living the truth.
Here are Truths that lead you to a man who makes you happy…just because he wants to.
1) Your happiness is ALL in the picking.
Why would you choose a man who wants you to act in ways you don’t want to act, or give up things that you love?
Why would you pick a man who doesn’t admire your independence and honor your ability to get what you want in life?
There are things you love about yourself and your life, and you shouldn’t give those up. If you’re finding yourself having to do that with potential partners, the answer isn’t to blame men and stop dating…the answer is to STOP falling for men who don’t want the commitment you need and are more interested in their happiness than yours!
(pssst: My upcoming webinar teaches you exactly how to avoid these men so you can beeline to the right one.)
2) Men want the real you and don’t want you to change.
Albert Einstein once said,
“Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So, each is inevitably disappointed.”
Men consistently lament the loss of the woman they thought they married. Why does this happen? Because we bend like a pretzel to snag a man and then become our real selves once we feel secure…much to his surprise!
If you are independent and have things you feel you must do in your life…BE that and DO that!
When you meet men, show them who you are. It’s the only way to find a good man who will accept and appreciate your strength.
Here’s how you know you are with the right man.
I can tell you from my experience and that of that hundreds of women I’ve coached. Like you, they are smart and very independent. Amazing things happen when you find the man you love.
Some of your priorities change.
You will want to please him, and when you’re with him you will gladly make adjustments.
Some of the things you thought you’d never let anyone influence in your life become things you can’t wait to talk to your man about. And having his strong, steady hand is a gift you will feel grateful for every day.
You have earned the right to be super-proud about doing it all yourself so far. How about opening up to the idea of turning that into a pride of being a good partner and in learning how to find this ultimate joy in life?
Remember, you’re with a man whom you respect and admire. And you know he cares for you. Why wouldn’t you want his opinion? You don’t have to do what he says, just honor his partnership and advice.
Here’s the bottom line, girlfriend. I understand all about the fear of losing your independence, the fear of choosing a man who’ll make you miserable…all that. But you are likely basing your fear on a False Assumption.
Single men want a woman just like you, smart, strong, and independent.
It all starts with you not wasting time on the wrong men and finding good men to date. And once you do, any change or compromise you CHOOSE to make will pale in comparison with all you get in return.
Trust me. It’s really that simple.
