Good sex and aging bodies is NOT an oxymoron. If it’s been on your mind, you’re in good company, sister. But before you go thinking the days of Great Sex are behind you, I want to let you in on a little secret: being over 40 is JUST the time to reinvent yourself sexually.
Whether you’re a little bored, or living basically sex-less (I’ve been there!)….I have five hot hints to help you.
Think of this as a little reality check – a pep talk of sorts – for women on the menopausal continuum. Because this idea that older people lose interest in sex…well for many of us it’s a big lie.
There’s some wonderful research that tells us that women over 40 are more happy than they’ve been. In a Gallup phone survey sponsored by NAMS (North American Menopause Society), 51 percent of postmenopausal women reported being happiest and most fulfilled between the ages of 50 and 65.
I mean WOW!
I love what Christiane Northrup, MD, author of The Secret Pleasures of Menopause, answered when asked how sex is different for women over 40:
“[Sex is] often a lot better. In midlife, you get to a place where you realize you’ll never again have the body you had at 18. But because of your ego strength, skill set, and clout in the world, you can have sex on your own terms. You know what you like, and if sometimes you don’t know, this is the time of life when you’ll find out. Your soul is waking up. You have the spirit and senses of adventure that 9- to 11-year-olds have — so you can reinvent yourself sexually. The truth is, most men don’t care if you are 40, 50, or 60. What they want is someone who is fun, who responds, and who makes them feel good.”
Hell Yes! Did you get that? If you’re worried about what your man will think, here it is: “I am so lucky to be able to get naked and intimate with this amazing self-confident, fun, creative woman!”
Here are five tips to help you reclaim your fun, sexy mama:
1. Don’t hesitate to tell him what you want!
Yes, our bodies aren’t 20 anymore, but there’s a silver lining: Your men have matured just like you and mutual pleasure is now a focus. (That certainly wasn’t part of the equation during our 20s or, 30s etc. right?)
Most grownup men aren’t in any hurry. They also know there’s more to do in bed than just intercourse. Their goal is to please you — in fact for some men it’s an obsession! If you want to turn a guy on, allow him to give you pleasure. And forget about that faking orgasm thing because you’re worried you’re taking too long. Ditch the stop-clock and take your time. When you do and he reaches “his” goal, his body will respond in intensely satisfying ways. Harness that, sister. Don’t be afraid to communicate your desires.
Take advantage of the ability to communicate like grownups and explore in new, uninhibited ways. You might just find something new that blows both your minds. (PS – This is the ticket to reclaim passion if you’re in a relationship that’s on a sex-snooze!)
2. Sharing is caring.
Your body isn’t the only one changing – your girlfriends and the men your with are experiencing this too. Instead of just reading what’s online, share real-life information and experiences with your gal pals and male friends. That combined wisdom can be your road to learning what fits for you. Think, and talk, vibrators, lubricants, hormone replacement therapies, positions, erectile dysfunction therapies, etc. There are SO many great gadgets, ideas, and enhancements to help you keep your sex life safe, ALIVE and interesting.
3. Think sexy thoughts.
It’s no secret that our biggest sex organ is the brain. If it’s been a while since you’ve been intimate or you’re just bored with sex, it’s probably time to set off some new sparks in that part of your brain. How about reading or watching some porn? Yes, porn. Here is just one of many lists of sexy novels that are specifically written with mature women in mind.
Also, do a bit of googling to find some streaming porn and spend some time. Learn some new things. Get some reminders of how it feels to see a hot, sexy man and enjoy some healthy fantasizing. There’s no need to be shy. You can explore from the privacy of your home. Have fun with it!
4. Tend to your changing aging body and your libido.
If you’re feeling indifferent about sex, it’s time to explore what’s at the bottom of it. Sociologist and sexologist Dr. Pepper Schwartz points out, “Our bodies have changed – for example, in terms of hormones, blood flow, vaginal lining and breast sensitivity. If we want great sex after 50, we may need to re-think how our bodies want to be treated now.” If you haven’t done so for a while, a trip to the gyno is in order. But think outside of the box too – you may just be bored or out of the habit. Taking care of these basics may just put some spring back in your step:
- Get enough sleep
- Check your vitamin D levels (it’s like the charge in your battery)
- Stretch and exercise
Here’s another basic: Masturbate. Yes, I said that too. Not only can self-pleasure help you get in the mood, it can help you improve your mood! Studies have shown that regular masturbation can improve your spirits, help you relax, stop migraines and even interfere with nasty ruminations.
5. No matter your age, you have the power to dramatically boost your overall health and happiness…via your sex life!
Don’t sleep through your sex life. I suppose you can live without sex, but do you really want to? Many of the women I have coached privately had given up hope of ever being in love or having sex again. Now they are with loving, attentive men and digging their reinvigorated sex lives! Do they have some challenges? Sure they do. But they’re having a lot of fun and feeling wonderful about themselves as women. As they — and YOU — should!
You don’t want to wait to start feeling sexy until after you meet a man. Get to work waking it up now! Part of what will attract the right man is your femininity, openness and sensuality. So start working on creating a sex-positive state of mind now — one that accommodates your values, protects your boundaries and leaves room for freely embracing and expressing your beautiful sexuality.
I’d love to hear your thoughts and tips! Again, don’t be shy! We’re all grownups here.