Have you ever wondered about how many times you let a potentially good man get away after going out with him only once, maybe twice? If you haven’t wondered about this; you should.
I’ve been working with a client on her proclivity to be sarcastic – even rude – on dates and in relationships. She came to me aware that she did it, but entirely unaware of why. She’s finally dealing with this because her one-liners and flip retorts have chased away the man she thought was “The One.” She’s devastated.
This is about fear. Plain and simple. Fear of rejection, making bad choices, getting hurt…name your fear. It’s about putting up a wall, or taunting your suitor with an “I dare you” kind of behavior.
It shows up in all kinds of ways: overly quick judgments; defensive reactions; unwillingness to show empathy or understand men’s point of view; talking too much or too little; drinking too much; or insisting that you must dig deep into a man’s life on your first date. (Hey! I’ve told you…stop doing that!)
I know this to be true…not only because I read about it and see it in women every day, but because I lived it myself. My fear showed up in my insistence in making it immediately clear to every eligible man that I was a very happy, secure, independent, smart woman who had created a great life for herself. He better know that right off, I thought, because if that threatened him…well Mr. Man…sayonara!
In my eBook (Confessions of the World’s Worst Dater: 7 Secrets to Finally Finding Love after 40) I explain this as one of my three epiphanies; how accepting this about myself, and changing my behavior, totally altered my dating experiences. This is one of the shifts that took me from never having a second date, to being called back every time, to ultimately finding my spectacular husband. (For the record ladies: grown-up men love smart, independent women. It’s just that they first want to see your femininity and kindness, and then they’ll look for this other great stuff.)
The irony is that by doing all these crazy things, we create the very situation that is the source of our fear, right? By virtue of running away too fast or chasing away good men, there you are with no fabulous man in your life.
Okay. Now is the time to look at yourself honestly. What are you afraid of, and how do you try to mask your fear? And how is that affecting your success with men? As they say, acknowledging your problem is the very first step. Once you have this awareness, use it to guide you to showing up without the walls and to just coming as the authentic – incredibly lovely – you.
Oh dear, don’t be too cross with me Bobbie, but if I’m not physically attracted on the first date, i just can’t go for a second, I’m 58 going on 18 and what I really want is the boyfriend I’ve never had, that’s company, outings and regular sex, not necessarily in that order, I would put lol if it wasn’t really breaking my own heart : (