You went on a date or two or three. You liked him, and he seemed into you. Then, without warning…no return texts, no calls, he even blocked you on Facebook. That bastard…he ghosted you!
Welcome to a very large club of smart women who wrongly thought they might have finally met The One! There aren’t stats for us, but an astonishing 78% of millennials have been ghosted. It’s modern-day collateral damage of dating. And it sucks.
Okay…listen (read) this very carefully…
It. Is. NOT. About. You.
It’s true that you’re not in control of getting ghosted. It happens to the best of us. (Like me. LOL!) But you are in control of how much you let it get you down and affect the future of your love life.
What?? Still feels shitty? That excellent advice didn’t do it for you?
Yah, I know. When I was single it happened to me more times than I can count. In my day it was the phone not ringing. They’d say we’d see each other Friday night and it’s Thursday at 8pm. And there I’d be…still waiting for the phone to ring and wondering do I call him?
I was always sure he’d call annnnny minute. 9.9 times out of 10 he didn’t.
Thanks to technology, things are way worse for you! People can disappear so easily. (Women do this to men all the time, btw.) Technology also gives us a *perception* of being closer than we really are so we get attached much quicker. When he disappears without a word it painfully reminds you that you were never close at all.
Why He Might Have Ghosted You
The thing that hurts so much about ghosting is the damn uncertainty. Did I do or say something wrong? Did I misread the signals? Is he dead or in a hospital somewhere? (He better be!)
I know your inquiring mind wants to know so here is my quick list of reasons he ghosted you:
- He can’t deal with confrontation and scared to tell you he’s not interested. So, like a delicate baby boy, he flees.
- He got what he wanted – attention, sex, an ego-boost – and now he needs another hit. It was all about the chase for him. He’s on to the next conquest.
- He knows something you don’t know, like he can’t please you in the long run, so he’s doing you a favor. He figures that’s enough.
- He had a good time but he’s met someone he likes better. She’s shorter, richer, sportier, less religious, more geographically desirable…whatevs. He figured after just a couple dates he doesn’t owe you a formal (aka grownup) goodbye.
What To Do When He Ghosts You
You don’t want a man in any of the above categories, right? So, try to see ghosting as a less-than-elegant way some jerky or incompatible guys weed themselves out of your life.
I want you to learn what I finally did: ghosting and all those other forms of dating rejection only feels as bad as you allow it. (And btw, there is no such thing as online dating rejection! )
How we perceive things, our false/unrealistic expectations, and or our magical thinking have more to do with why we end up feeling insecure and beaten down…and then hating dating.
The more you allow this kind of experience to get you down, the sadder and angrier you will get. And those feelings leak through on future dates, sister! When you’re looking at the guy in front of you and afraid that he’s going to be like the last, your distrust is all over your face and in your body language.
It. Is. NOT. About. You.
Trust me, you can’t hide what’s going on in your mind.
And if this new man is actually a good guy he’s not calling you again… because you messed it up worrying about what happened before him.
When I coach women about this, I tell my clients that it doesn’t matter why he ghosted you. He was definitely not a good match for you. He showed his true colors by disappearing – so good riddance.
And honestly, girlfriend, you really didn’t know him at all! If you’re pining over him after a few emails and a date or two then it’s the fantasy you created that you’re losing. It’s not a real good man.
Principle #3 of Dating Like a Grownup is this: Take responsibility for your actions and outcomes.
It’s true that you’re not in control of getting ghosted. It happens to the best of us. (Like me. LOL!) But you are in control of how much you let it get you down and affect the future of your love life.
I’ve coached over 100 women on this. Unfortunately ghosting is all the rage in this world where it’s so easy to hide behind technology.
Bottom line, here is what I suggest you do when he ghosts you:
- Pour yourself a glass of wine.
- Give it a quick ‘oh shit’.
- Devote a few minutes to reflecting on any part you might have played. (That incudes creating the fantasy.)
- Toast him for letting you move on.
- Move the hell on! NEXT!
Have you been ghosted? Which of these tips do you think will help you in the future? Let me know!
I have been talking to a guy for 2 years. He then wanted to come down for a whole week and I freaked out. He then stopped talking to me.
6 months later I decided I needed to apologize to him so I message him and he was happy that I did. He said he thought I was done with him. We started talking again. He asked to come see me for the weekend and I said yes. We hung out and things seemed fine at first then he started to get distant. When it came time for him to go home it was like he couldn’t get out of there fast enough. He hugged and kissed me twice, said he would text me. So I waited. Nothing so I texted him and he said he had fun but want used to hanging out with some that like him like that. Every time I asked about us he would avoid the question. He told me he was home and last message was about helping his mom in the garden and that she liked that I like to garden too. Since then I haven’t heard from him. I tried messaging him and nothing.