He Ghosted You. Why and WTF Should You Do Now?

You went on a date or two or three. You liked him, and he seemed into you. Then, without warning…no return texts, no calls, he even blocked you on Facebook. That bastard…he ghosted you!

Welcome to a very large club of smart women who wrongly thought they might have finally met The One! There aren’t stats for us, but an astonishing 78% of millennials have been ghosted. It’s modern-day collateral damage of dating. And it sucks.

Okay…listen (read) this very carefully…

It. Is. NOT. About. You.

It’s true that you’re not in control of getting ghosted. It happens to the best of us. (Like me. LOL!) But you are in control of how much you let it get you down and affect the future of your love life.

What?? Still feels shitty? That excellent advice didn’t do it for you?

Yah, I know. When I was single it happened to me more times than I can count. In my day it was the phone not ringing. They’d say we’d see each other Friday night and it’s Thursday at 8pm. And there I’d be…still waiting for the phone to ring and wondering do I call him?

I was always sure he’d call annnnny minute. 9.9 times out of 10 he didn’t.

Thanks to technology, things are way worse for you! People can disappear so easily. (Women do this to men all the time, btw.) Technology also gives us a *perception* of being closer than we really are so we get attached much quicker. When he disappears without a word it painfully reminds you that you were never close at all.

Why He Might Have Ghosted You

The thing that hurts so much about ghosting is the damn uncertainty. Did I do or say something wrong? Did I misread the signals? Is he dead or in a hospital somewhere? (He better be!)

I know your inquiring mind wants to know so here is my quick list of reasons he ghosted you:

He can’t deal with confrontation and scared to tell you he’s not interested. So, like a delicate baby boy, he flees.
He got what he wanted – attention, sex, an ego-boost – and now he needs another hit. It was all about the chase for him. He’s on to the next conquest.
He knows something you don’t know, like he can’t please you in the long run, so he’s doing you a favor. He figures that’s enough.
He had a good time but he’s met someone he likes better. She’s shorter, richer, sportier, less religious, more geographically desirable…whatevs. He figured after just a couple dates he doesn’t owe you a formal (aka grownup) goodbye.

What To Do When He Ghosts You

You don’t want a man in any of the above categories, right? So, try to see ghosting as a less-than-elegant way some jerky or incompatible guys weed themselves out of your life.

I want you to learn what I finally did: ghosting and all those other forms of dating rejection only feels as bad as you allow it. (And btw, there is no such thing as online dating rejection! )

How we perceive things, our false/unrealistic expectations, and or our magical thinking have more to do with why we end up feeling insecure and beaten down…and then hating dating.

The more you allow this kind of experience to get you down, the sadder and angrier you will get. And those feelings leak through on future dates, sister! When you’re looking at the guy in front of you and afraid that he’s going to be like the last, your distrust is all over your face and in your body language.

It. Is. NOT. About. You.

Trust me, you can’t hide what’s going on in your mind.

And if this new man is actually a good guy he’s not calling you again… because you messed it up worrying about what happened before him.

When I coach women about this, I tell my clients that it doesn’t matter why he ghosted you. He was definitely not a good match for you. He showed his true colors by disappearing – so good riddance.

And honestly, girlfriend, you really didn’t know him at all! If you’re pining over him after a few emails and a date or two then it’s the fantasy you created that you’re losing. It’s not a real good man.

Principle #3 of Dating Like a Grownup is this: Take responsibility for your actions and outcomes.

It’s true that you’re not in control of getting ghosted. It happens to the best of us. (Like me. LOL!) But you are in control of how much you let it get you down and affect the future of your love life.

I’ve coached over 100 women on this. Unfortunately ghosting is all the rage in this world where it’s so easy to hide behind technology.

Bottom line, here is what I suggest you do when he ghosts you:

Pour yourself a glass of wine.
Give it a quick ‘oh shit’.
Devote a few minutes to reflecting on any part you might have played. (That incudes creating the fantasy.)
Toast him for letting you move on.
Move the hell on! NEXT!

Have you been ghosted? Which of these tips do you think will help you in the future? Let me know!

These will also help you:

Izabella valentine POJ broken January 15, 2021, 11:27 pm

So we celebrated 4 mo anniversary I say so happy,, he really me2! Kisses hugs all was great, we share two kite exchanges over two more days but 2 days in between no contact then I send video doing my hair I’m talking kissing him our usual day later etc., next 2 day fo bye bi reply, finally 1154 pm he says sorry babe it’s been hectic so busy kiss kiss lips,, I’m sleeping didn’t see it!! I respond after work Sunday it’s ok no worries 150om!! Along with nice pics of me in skirt secretary style outfit etc,, 3 days go bye no response I say hello is ur phone broken babe ur both responding I say this on his second phone line!! Along with this isn’t funny so u better text me now,, he says hi ,, then rings me bye phone to make sure it’s me,, which made no sense then I reply hi he says hi baby I say where my msn u never say hey,, he says what I can’t say hi? I write kidding lol just u never do so where my man and few other texts then he switched to his main cell like so sorry baby just been feeling really blu I haven’t spoke to anyone I just don’t feel like getting out of bed; I said omg are u ok?? Thx for sharing I like to know stuff I care,, u nerd anything let me know etc,, he replied aww thx so much my babe my sweety two kisses I say check on u later etc,, next day i ping him how are you! Wednesday 1 week after our 4 mo anniversary! He relies so fast like it cut off my message n says ,, I’m great with tons of smile faces he kissed me tons Mike 4 times so happy to hear from u!! One extent to the other! I was so happy!! Next I say 2 hours later my regret now,, he baby so happy ur ok was so scary bye the way I’m still ur girl?? He said u wanna get slapped?? Lol I said so we’re good I promise just been sad past 4:5 days,, he never responds! Next day write him happy morning post no response 2 days no response, tomorrow will be day 49 hours!! Wth?? Break or ghosting?? Diesbt make sense! K ok like I’m crying freaking out scared because oh news it says msn kills himself they don’t say name hit his city in queens ny,, then no response! I say damn it that’s it not funny I’m crying he hates if I cry I only did once on 4 mo minor but I did he conforted me etc asked me not to! So is he scared I think he met someone on Wednesday night? Still makes no sense! We get along great, he told me we’re child kike when together were easy and love same music foods have so much in common down to our sex and politics ,, he says we’re best friends he told me on date 3 that we share special next level connection and it’s ok to share it?? This has me sick ?? Now what! Wait 7 days then say hi or ??))

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hildah December 26, 2020, 12:25 pm

I met this guy at work. He asked for my number and later suggested we get some coffee after work. The coffee date went really well and we planned to go out again the next day. The next date went really well and I really enjoyed myself. We ended up at his place and I slept with him. The texts afterwards were few and far in between then a week later I sent him a surprise six pack to his office because he had told me how much he hated Mondays and I was just cheering him up. He asked to hang out with me again that evening. After that communication on his end dwindled until one day after I tried calling him and he never picked up,he texts me saying he’s okay and that something’s come up and that he’ll tell me about it soon. After that I didn’t hear from him again and it’s been two weeks. The hardest part is seeing him from a distance every day and we act like total strangers because I stopped talking to him as well..the other day he posted a picture of him and his wife n child on WhatsApp (he told me he had a wife but saw her once a week)…as much as I shouldn’t have been involved with him,it crushed me…how do I get over this???

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- Bobbi Palmer December 29, 2020, 9:03 am
  
  The way you get over this is to face reality, rather than wallowing in some fantasy you had of him Grab your grown-up girl and realize he’s a cad; you have fallen for a man who seems to be cheating on his wife. What more do you need to know? Free yourself. Let go. Bp
  
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Emily Josephson November 9, 2020, 8:15 pm

I met a guy on Tinder. We had a crazy immediate connection. We talked every day. Then spent three weekends together. Deleted all of our dating apps. He said he found what he wanted. He was the sweetest guy I’d ever met. He met my daughter. Invited me to the Thanksgiving with his family. Called me love, babe, it seemed perfect. The last weekend I spent with him I asked if we were official boyfriend and girlfriend and he said yes . I left Sunday night. He told me to text him when I got home to make sure I got home safe. So I did. Told him I missed him already. He replied with “I miss you too babe!” The next day I didn’t hear from him which was very odd. He always sends me a morning text and texts me on his lunch break at work. I sent him a text mid-morning saying I hope he was having a good day. Never got a reply. Later that evening he blocked me on Instagram Facebook and Snapchat. Did not answer any of my calls or texts. Ghosted. Out of the blue. No idea why. I really want to feel better about this and take some of this advice but my heart is broken. How do you get past this???

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- Bobbi Palmer December 21, 2020, 5:02 pm
  
  I know this seems difficult. My advice is to be realistic and grownup about this: you don’t really know this man! I think you’re hung up on fantasy, girlfriend. You’ll likely never know why he disappeared, but here’s what you DO know: he’s immature and rude. Guys who disappear after what he did with you…no bueno. Hugs, Bp
  
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Demi September 25, 2020, 6:45 am

So I was reconnecting with this guy I knew from like 1st grade to 7th. I initially messaged him admitting I had a crush on him since we were little and he admitted to liking me back. So we spoke everyday for like a week straight. We even video chatted for 3 hours the first time he called me. So things were going great. All of a sudden yesterday, he got off the phone with me and like 10 minutes later he messages me saying he’s going to ghost me for a little while as he needs to figure his life out because he’s been acting on impulse. This hurt me as things seemingly were going so well. I feel like he got scared of his own emotions in fear of falling for me because of his traumatic past with abusive women. I’m nowhere near abusive and will even cry if I get yelled at. Do I prove to him I’m different and wouldn’t ever think of hurting him in any way? Or do I just leave him be? Our connection was incredible. I’m just shocked.

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- Bobbi Palmer October 11, 2020, 6:20 pm
  
  He’s not ready, girlfriend. Believe him. He’s telling you. Bp
  
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Kathleen September 6, 2020, 9:48 am

Although it hurts when so disrespected, ya really dodged the proverbial bullet. Cowardice is the top of the list of a ghoster so better to have found out early on, would you want to be with a coward?

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Anonymous June 9, 2020, 12:33 pm

I have been talking to a guy for 2 years. He then wanted to come down for a whole week and I freaked out. He then stopped talking to me.
6 months later I decided I needed to apologize to him so I message him and he was happy that I did. He said he thought I was done with him. We started talking again. He asked to come see me for the weekend and I said yes. We hung out and things seemed fine at first then he started to get distant. When it came time for him to go home it was like he couldn’t get out of there fast enough. He hugged and kissed me twice, said he would text me. So I waited. Nothing so I texted him and he said he had fun but want used to hanging out with some that like him like that. Every time I asked about us he would avoid the question. He told me he was home and last message was about helping his mom in the garden and that she liked that I like to garden too. Since then I haven’t heard from him. I tried messaging him and nothing.

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Anonymous May 25, 2020, 7:17 pm

I’m being ghosted by my bf and I don’t know what to do. We’ve known each other for 6 years and have been dating for almost 4.5 years (on this upcoming June 4). In Mid-April we got into 2 arguments – honestly I was the one who pushed it and if I hadn’t, I might not be in this situation. I was arguing with him telling him that he didn’t care about me. At that time, I was stressed out from work, lack of sleep, and overall feeling horrible (had a bought of trouble breathing and temps over 100 degrees). I was messaging him how horrible I was feeling and only getting “Awww” as a response to everything I said. After a few messages he disappeared and didn’t respond. He eventually did and told me that his father was, “screaming in pain” and they were debating on sending him to the hospital. was upset that he didn’t seem to care about what I was going through and made the comment that his dad was a drama king (it sounds horrible, I know, at the time I wasn’t doing well and figured his father was having another episode – he’s banged his head against the wall and thrown dishes around when he’s upset). I understand that feeling horrible isn’t an excuse for saying that and have since apologized for it multiple times. He began to tell me how I didn’t “deserve” as much concern as his father because I didn’t have cancer like he did. I was upset and said we should both apologize for what we said and he refused to do so, even after I gave in and apologized for what I said.
The very next day after our 2nd argument, and working a night shift with a fever and feeling like I was going to pass out, I was told I was COVID positive. I immediately told him and he replied passive aggressively then told me he, “needed time to cool off because I had disrespected his family.”
Fast forward 7 days later and I hadn’t heard from him. I messaged him asking him if he was okay – mind you I was extremely sick during this time and he had not messaged me once to ask how I was doing – and he never responded. I continued to message him and even call him, while I was sick, and was ignored each and every time.
15 days after he told me he needed time to cool off, he messaged me with an ultimatum. Either I end the relationship because I wanted things he couldn’t give me or I change certain things and “attempt to salvage the relationship” with him adding that “I’d be lucky if we repaired our relationship enough to move it forward by next year.” He finished off his message by telling me he “wasn’t looking to talk yet” but to think it over and make a decision.
It’s now 28 days later since he sent that message and, despite letting him know over and over that I want to fix things, he has not responded. I know that he sees my messages because he’ll turn to being “online” right after I send them and then log off after a few minutes. The only time I can get him to talk to me is when he hosts events on this website where a bunch of his friends – who don’t know me – show up. I’ll try to talk to him about different things – trying not to start drama because he can kick me out of the event and it’ll ruin my chances of ever getting back together- and in an effort to make himself look good, he’ll respond back. This past time however, I asked him during the event if he had a girlfriend and his response was, “Shhh it’s a secret.” I’ve still continued to message him -saying good morning, good night, telling him about my day, hoping he slept well and had a great day, and letting him know I’m hoping we can talk soon. And he continues to ignore my messages.
It’s upsetting. I’ve helped him so much: I’ve given him money to help with his parent’s medical bills – including doing it 2 weeks ago only to not receive a simple thank you, I’ve offered to help them find a place to stay if they need it, I’ve bought him and his family practical gifts they can use to help them in their time of need, and I’ve bought him computer equipment to help him start up his online business. After being together for so long, it hurts so much to have him do this to me.
I know I made a mistake, but after apologizing, telling him I’m willing to give up things in order to fix things with him, trying to keep communication open, and still trying to offer help even though I’m far away – I feel like it’s cruel to send me 2 messages over the span of over a month (total) and leave me with him saying he “Wasn’t ready to talk yet,” making me believe he was going to talk to me and try and work things out. I’ve also had this feeling that he might be cheating on me and talking to someone else. He said he’d never do that to me, because his ex did it to him, but we used to talk every single day throughout the whole day and now that I haven’t heard from him at all I have a feeling he’s talking to someone else.
I don’t know what to do. I really want to talk to him to fix this relationship and go back to how things used to be. But if he won’t work with me, what do I do? If he wants to break up, I wish he’d grow up and be the man he claims to be and tell me instead of, essentially, waiting it out until I decide to give up and end things when that’s not what I want.

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- Bobbi Palmer May 31, 2020, 8:33 am
  
  I didn’t read your entire story but it Seems like you’ve done what you can. Step back. Pay attention to whether you are approaching him with your heart or your ego. Give him a little time. If he’s the good guy you think he is he will come back in some way; if nothing else with an explanation of what’s going on with him. If he doesn’t, that tells you a lot about who he is and where he is in his life right now. Best to you. Bp
  
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Anonymous May 18, 2020, 1:05 am

I was ghosted by a guy I knew for a long time. He told me he wanted to settle. We talked consecutively for almost 6 months. The last time we talked was on a Saturday, and the conversation was lovely. He confessed his love for me, as usual. Then suddenly he ghosted. What does that mean?

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- Bobbi Palmer May 19, 2020, 4:40 pm
  
  Sorry that happened. I think the article gives you my answer – though you may not want to know it. I know it feels bad but move on, sister. Bp
  
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Mary April 4, 2020, 6:50 am

Hi Bobbi, very good article! I am going to present you a situation I have been in, maybe you can express your opinion.
I met a guy on October and we fell in love, we have been a couple since out second date. He was very nice to me, polite, we spent a week talking and going out and we were about to meet on Saturday, for a walk in the park. I sent him a message asking what time we would meet and he said we could not meet, cause he was going to his parents’. I asked him if everything was fine and he answered me on the second day, saying that he was not ready for a relationship and he didn’t want make me suffer. I let him go and after 3 weeks of no contact and just watching my Instastories, he wrote me a few times and then we met. He told me he was sorry for what had happened and that he had a mental breakdown about his job. I offered him a second chance and everything had been going on well for 3 weeks, we went out, we talked every day, I met his grandma and we made plans for the New Year’s Eva. A few days before Christmas, I felt him getting cold, on Friday, Saturday, Sunday , I was the only one who initiated contacts, he told me he was with his friends. On Monday before Christmas, he didn’t reach out, although he was active on social apps. I called him once and he declined my call. After a few hours, I called him again fir a few times and he declined my calls as well. I sent him a message telling that I don’t deserve such a behaviour and that I would have deserved a message or a call. After 2 hours, I called him again and he didn’t answer. Since then , I haven’t heard anything about him. He had been watching my Instastories for 2 weeks and then he unfollowed me. I couldn t understand his behavior, he seemed a good boy, he told me that the respected me, we were colleagues at university . This is my story. Thanks!

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- Bobbi Palmer April 4, 2020, 10:04 am
  
  Mary, sorry this happened but you know the answer here because you read my article. I suggest you stop spending one more moment hoping and wondering with this guy.And Just Say No if he tries again. Bp
  
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  - Mary April 4, 2020, 10:12 am
    
    Are you suggesting that he could come back? Do ghosters usually do that? I am asking cause I see no reason to come back as you left someone. What reasons could a ghoster have to come back to the ghosted person? Is there any psichological explanation? Thanks a lot!
    
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    - Bobbi Palmer April 8, 2020, 11:13 am
      
      Nope Mary, ghosters generally do not return. And even if he does why do you care? He’s a jerk girlfriend. Bp
      
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JOANNA SHEDDEN January 9, 2020, 6:25 am

Love it thank you that is what I needed to hear. He ghosted me on new years eve.

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- Bobbi Palmer January 9, 2020, 8:05 pm
  
  Oh geeeze! Now that’s an asshole. He did you a favor. Next! Bp
  
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Elizabeth Wyatt April 23, 2019, 7:37 pm

All of your tips help me! Sometimes I want to cry and can’t help to wonder what’s wrong with me? Am I not attractive enough, smart enough, funny or confident enough? I know I can be particular and maybe the people I’m meeting feel the exact same way about me.

To help me face my fears; I joined ToastMasters’s to help me overcome rejection and to help me get over my insecurities. My group is amazing!

Elizabeth Wyatt

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- Bobbi Palmer April 24, 2019, 6:49 pm
  
  Elizabeth ToastMasters is a great way to gain confidence, and overcome rejection. Keep it up! Also, here is an article that may give you some insight into why you are still single and what you can do about it. You say you are particular, and you should be. But are you rejecting some potentially good guys for things that don’t have anything to do with your long term happiness? Check out my article: https://datelikeagrownup.com/four-reasons-why-you-may-be-chronically-single/ – BP
  
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Sonya April 23, 2019, 7:31 pm

Loved this article, Bobbi! Ghosting is such a challenge because we can literally drive ourselves crazy trying to figure out what happened. I’m learning in my 40s that the “why” of what happened matters a heck of a lot less than the “how” of being ghosted. Bottom line: when a grown man is not able to let you go in a real, kind, and respectful way, then you have ALL of the info you need on him and don’t need anything more. Next! ; )

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- Bobbi Palmer April 23, 2019, 7:39 pm
  
  Yup, you said it, Sonya! Hugs. Bp
  
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Anits April 23, 2019, 6:08 pm

I just smile at this childish behavior and tell myself………
“Wow! The trash just took itself out. Thanks.”

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- Bobbi Palmer April 23, 2019, 7:38 pm
  
  Good point! Bp
  
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Ariane W. April 23, 2019, 4:09 pm

The men I was dating did the slow fade after 12 dates – finally did sent a text stating he could not move forward wishing me well.

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Noquay April 23, 2019, 1:01 pm

I’ve been ghosted and, sorry to say, have been guilty of ghosting myself. I fully understand about being a grownup and saying “Thanks, but no thanks”; however, these were all instances where the guys gave off such a bizarre and frightening vibe that I felt unsafe. There’s no kind or safe way to say “no thanks” to someone who exhibits signs of mental illness or other instability. In one instance, a dude tried to assault me. Knocked him down and got the heck outta there and went immediate NC. If you are easily located, easily recognizable, and live in a small town, keeping yourself safe is #1.

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- Bobbi Palmer April 23, 2019, 7:38 pm
  
  Agree!! Bp
  
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Marilyn April 21, 2019, 7:40 pm

Hi Bobbi~ sometimes there’s more going on. [A man] did that to me after a blissful trip to British Columbia. About 5 years later, I ran into him at CSULB with a 3 year old daughter on his shoulders. If he’d told me, he’d decided he wanted to start a family, I would have raced him to the door.

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- Bobbi Palmer April 23, 2019, 7:40 pm
  
  Ha! Yah, makes sense. Guess that falls under the “be glad he dumped you” category! Bp
  
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