You went on a date or two or three. You liked him, and he seemed into you. Then, without warning…no return texts, no calls, he even blocked you on Facebook. That bastard…he ghosted you!
Welcome to a very large club of smart women who wrongly thought they might have finally met The One! There aren’t stats for us, but an astonishing 78% of millennials have been ghosted. It’s modern-day collateral damage of dating. And it sucks.
Okay…listen (read) this very carefully…
It. Is. NOT. About. You.
It’s true that you’re not in control of getting ghosted. It happens to the best of us. (Like me. LOL!) But you are in control of how much you let it get you down and affect the future of your love life.
What?? Still feels shitty? That excellent advice didn’t do it for you?
Yah, I know. When I was single it happened to me more times than I can count. In my day it was the phone not ringing. They’d say we’d see each other Friday night and it’s Thursday at 8pm. And there I’d be…still waiting for the phone to ring and wondering do I call him?
I was always sure he’d call annnnny minute. 9.9 times out of 10 he didn’t.
Thanks to technology, things are way worse for you! People can disappear so easily. (Women do this to men all the time, btw.) Technology also gives us a *perception* of being closer than we really are so we get attached much quicker. When he disappears without a word it painfully reminds you that you were never close at all.
Why He Might Have Ghosted You
The thing that hurts so much about ghosting is the damn uncertainty. Did I do or say something wrong? Did I misread the signals? Is he dead or in a hospital somewhere? (He better be!)
I know your inquiring mind wants to know so here is my quick list of reasons he ghosted you:
- He can’t deal with confrontation and scared to tell you he’s not interested. So, like a delicate baby boy, he flees.
- He got what he wanted – attention, sex, an ego-boost – and now he needs another hit. It was all about the chase for him. He’s on to the next conquest.
- He knows something you don’t know, like he can’t please you in the long run, so he’s doing you a favor. He figures that’s enough.
- He had a good time but he’s met someone he likes better. She’s shorter, richer, sportier, less religious, more geographically desirable…whatevs. He figured after just a couple dates he doesn’t owe you a formal (aka grownup) goodbye.
What To Do When He Ghosts You
You don’t want a man in any of the above categories, right? So, try to see ghosting as a less-than-elegant way some jerky or incompatible guys weed themselves out of your life.
I want you to learn what I finally did: ghosting and all those other forms of dating rejection only feels as bad as you allow it. (And btw, there is no such thing as online dating rejection! )
How we perceive things, our false/unrealistic expectations, and or our magical thinking have more to do with why we end up feeling insecure and beaten down…and then hating dating.
The more you allow this kind of experience to get you down, the sadder and angrier you will get. And those feelings leak through on future dates, sister! When you’re looking at the guy in front of you and afraid that he’s going to be like the last, your distrust is all over your face and in your body language.
It. Is. NOT. About. You.
Trust me, you can’t hide what’s going on in your mind.
And if this new man is actually a good guy he’s not calling you again… because you messed it up worrying about what happened before him.
When I coach women about this, I tell my clients that it doesn’t matter why he ghosted you. He was definitely not a good match for you. He showed his true colors by disappearing – so good riddance.
And honestly, girlfriend, you really didn’t know him at all! If you’re pining over him after a few emails and a date or two then it’s the fantasy you created that you’re losing. It’s not a real good man.
Principle #3 of Dating Like a Grownup is this: Take responsibility for your actions and outcomes.
It’s true that you’re not in control of getting ghosted. It happens to the best of us. (Like me. LOL!) But you are in control of how much you let it get you down and affect the future of your love life.
I’ve coached over 100 women on this. Unfortunately ghosting is all the rage in this world where it’s so easy to hide behind technology.
Bottom line, here is what I suggest you do when he ghosts you:
- Pour yourself a glass of wine.
- Give it a quick ‘oh shit’.
- Devote a few minutes to reflecting on any part you might have played. (That incudes creating the fantasy.)
- Toast him for letting you move on.
- Move the hell on! NEXT!
Have you been ghosted? Which of these tips do you think will help you in the future? Let me know!
Howdy,
So I went on a date a few of months ago with a guy. We’re both in our late twenties.
I really liked him but this was my first time dating in a few years and I’m naturally awkward already, so I’m afraid I came off kind of cold or appeared uninterested. Like, I definitely shut down several attempts at flirting and didn’t realize it til later.
He said he had fun and I said I did too, but we didn’t make plans to meet again. I felt like saying this was enough to express my interest. This was second date, which I asked him on, btw.
I didn’t hear from him for a week, so I texted him. He responded, and for the next few days sent me some ‘hi, how are you?’ texts, which naturally(?) had equally boring responses. Definitely not as engaging as when we were chatting on dating app. He did suggest an activity but didn’t send me any details. The next week was the same thing. And then nothing.
All the advice I’ve read says that if he were interested, it would be clear. And that he might have found a girlfriend or FWB anyways. And that it’s better not to waste time on someone who doesn’t like you enough to put in any effort. Which I agree with. But… I’m shy to the point of disorder (haha, but no joke :’) I have bad eye contact and just feel really stressed with new people, so maybe apps are not right for me anyway) and just need some time to get comfortable with someone before I can be my actual fun, silly, and affectionate self.
Of course, I really don’t know what he thought of me or what he was looking for. Is it just polite to say you had fun even if you don’t like someone?
But I still think about him frequently even though the first week after he stopped texting me I decided to let it go and move on. Clearly not doing well on that front. I’ve been on dates with other people in the meantime. I’m not just hanging around and pining for him, but I just haven’t felt that connection, which was maybe one-sided, with anyone else.
Now for the actual advice question: is it weird, desperate, and/or creepy to text someone you went out with a few months later to ask for a second chance?
If I can text him, should I explain that I’m shy and didn’t mean to come off cold/uninterested? Would it be better just to say something along the lines of ‘Hi, I’m going to [activity] on [date/time] if you want to join?’ and then if there’s no response, let time work it’s magic and just move on? I’m fine with rejection on an intellectual level and I’ve rejected others too, but I just wish I could have relaxed a little and put my best foot forward. I didn’t have enough self-awareness then to realize how stressed I was, so I didn’t take any steps to chill out. Since then, I’ve been working on my EQ and just relaxation before and during general social interactions.
Tl;dr: I’m (very) shy and had a dating fail a few months ago even though I liked him and he said he had a fun time. Can I ask for another chance? If so, how? Is it too weird and/or creepy? How bad of an idea is it?
Thanks for any input!