Attract Good Men: Show You Need Them

Needy women attract good men. Low-maintenance women attract jerks…or no men at all.

Is this counter to what you’ve always thought? Did you think that the less you expected from a man, the more he’d like you? Well, consider this:

A Good Man – one who is confident, mature and relationship-minded – desperately wants to give to a woman and make her happy. He needs to know that you need him and that he’s enhancing your already-great life. He needs to know that he can WIN with you.

…as a grownup woman looking to share her life with a grownup man, not expecting anything only gets you the guy who doesn’t want to give you anything.

A good man also wants to know that you respect and love yourself. He does not want to be completely responsible for your happiness. (That’s why I said he wants to “enhance” your life, not “be” your life.)

Now, say you’re the gal who doesn’t need anything. (Or, like most women you would LOVE to have a man to lean on, but you don’t act like you do.) Mr. Good Man will NOT pick you as a partner. He may sleep with you or be your friend…but he won’t marry you.

If you don’t leave room for a man to be your hero, and you don’t show that you know you’re worthy of him, he will leave before you can say “Why didn’t he call? or “Why am I always stuck with jerks, users and narcissists?”

On the other hand, let’s say that you graciously receive his compliments and show enthusiastic appreciation for the big and little things he does for you. Maybe you occasionally ask for his advice and let him open the pickle jar. You also make and keep boundaries, expect him to keep his word and expect to be treated like the special woman you are.

That, along with your kindness to him, tells Mr. Good Man that you’re relationship material. You’re able to welcome him into your life. You are confident in who you are, what you want, and how to get it. And you are allowing him to give it. (Yes! Allowing! It is a gift to allow someone to give to you.)

Isn’t it funny? All this time we thought being low maintenance got the guy. Actually, that was in high school. Now, as a grownup woman looking to share her life with a grownup man, not expecting anything only gets you the guy who doesn’t want to give you anything.

So here’s some homework to help you decide where you stand with this. Look back on previous relationships (short or long) and answer these questions:

Were there any good guys who might have gotten away because you acted like you didn’t need him and/or didn’t seem to have any expectations of him?
Do you have a lot of buddies but no romantic mojo?
Are the men you’re attracting the Good Guys or are they just takers?
Do you know your boundaries, and do you stick to them?
How well do you show him that you respect yourself? If a cute guy asks you out for Friday night on Friday morning, do you accept? When he doesn’t call or shows up late, do you tell him it’s okay because you don’t want to scare him away? (I think he gets one free pass on these, btw.) When he’s telling you he’s too busy to see you week after week, are you still hanging on?
And…how is this working for you?

If you are surrounded by buddies…if men only want to use you or take from you, or you’re completely man-less…listen up!

When you ask for nothing, that’s exactly what you get. You want to attract a good man? Show him you NEED him.

Here is your action item for the week:

Once a day ask a man for help. It can be help figuring out the spreadsheet on your computer, lifting a box into your car, advice about which mechanic to use, or even directions.

This doesn’t have to be someone you are romantically interested in (extra points if he is, though!). Just a co-worker, neighbor, friend, a guy in the grocery store.

Let him help you, show your appreciation and watch his reaction closely. We all learn from each other so please share your experience in the comments below. Can’t wait to hear from you!

These will also help you:

H W Lamb October 26, 2021, 2:50 pm

Spot on! I wish this information was taught is school, and I had knowledge of it years ago. Of all the sites I stumble on, Ms. Palmer is a fountain of hope in the quest to bring love into our world.

I am a very active 70 yo male, divorced twice, who recently discovered the wisdom of several female comics. Their insights into women plus my need to understand happiness has lead me to a place I cannot turn back from – much like a monk, priest or rabbi – once you have seen the truth you cannot survive by turning back. And remember, no one is perfect but don’t dwell on errors – the past is gone behind you! (To date, I have not yet found my soul-mate.)

If the moderator permits me, I would like to briefly share what I consider 4 fundamental truths in the search for a soul-mate, for both sexes. (not taught in school)

1. Everyone (normal) wants to be happy, have a meaningful life and lasting relationships.
Friendship has core values, including integrity, caring and confidence. Love yourself, love others!

2. You are a soul, with a mind and body.
We have a collective-subconscious, living in the cells of every body from the beginning of time. It knows survival and fear, and develops habits for survival (instincts). Our body and mind seek to survive and procreate. We also have a soul, a divine essence that lives eternal, and can control the mind and the body. The soul either controls your mind and body, or you live as an emotional creature, with uncontrolled thoughts and expectations, causing anger and frustration.
Your soul seeks joy, love and peace. These are feelings, NOT emotions. Use self-control to thwart emotions and instincts, and develop positive behavior to realize your feelings.

3. Its about selflessness, a/k/a unconditional love. And it’s sacred.
Men want to know the woman’s heart. A woman’s heart is filled with love and men want love. A woman can also create souls – they are special from men in that way! Souls are the direct pathway to divinity. It’s not about sex, looks, money, things…it’s about love. Give love, give time.

4. You have free-will.
I our civilized society, you can do anything you want. So can anyone else. Respect that always! (assuming legality and sanity). Review point #3.

To conclude: Love feels good when you give it. You cannot feel me giving it; you can’t hold it in your hand. So it’s unique to the giver! Two souls working together with love…WIN!
Be happy! Evolve spiritually to the divine. Settle for no less!

Thanks.

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- Bobbi Palmer October 26, 2021, 4:33 pm
  
  Lovely! Thanks HW. Bp
  
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- Phil Hamilton November 29, 2021, 8:16 am
  
  This exactly why I was rejected by someone whom I had been dating. She thought that by me being naturally nice, kind, and helpful that I was encroaching on her independence. I didn’t want her to depend on me, but I at least wanted to feel needed once in a while. It explains why every previous man in her life was a narcissistic her who used her, including her own father. She said I was not what she was used to in a man. I wanted to be with someone independent but not to the point of not needing a partner. That behavior doesn’t foster intimacy, which she admitted to having a lot of issues with. She told me that she friend zones almost every person she has dated because of it. I should have listened to her and ran away sooner.
  
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  - Bobbi Palmer December 26, 2021, 7:39 pm
    
    Hi Phil. Thank you so much for sharing this. You have stated so simply what I try to explain to the fantastic women I serve.
    I am saving your comment and adding it to my teachings in my Over40 Love School. You’ll help a lot of women!
    And yah, next time run. But before you do would you give her my website?
    Best to you. Some good woman will be so thankful to have a good man like you in her life. Bp
    
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- K December 15, 2021, 4:14 am
  
  Thanks, that is so concise and wise. You’ve condensed a lot of experience into that.
  
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Tina July 29, 2021, 9:58 pm

This is all fine and well, but when you kindly ask a man for help…

…and then he complains because you’re asking for help…or makes fun of you for asking for help…or does ANYTHING to try and make you feel bad about asking for help…

…none of this is going to get you anywhere worthwhile (with him).

These days, I will only ask for/accept help from a guy if he hasn’t displayed any of the above-mentioned responses in the past. I’m sick and tired of men complaining or making misogynistic comments when I’m the one being vulnerable and admitting that I can’t actually do something myself. I only ask for help when I actually need it; I don’t need some a-hole making me feel bad for it.

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- Bobbi Palmer August 14, 2021, 4:57 pm
  
  If you’re getting that response it’s cuz you’ve asked the wrong man. Or wrong men. They are jerks and you don’t need them in your life. Don’t stop asking. Pick good men. They are everywhere. Bp
  
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  - Chantel October 7, 2021, 5:28 am
    
    I agree. They’re not all like that. I must say though they make me feel worse than the takers. I rarely ask people for help so when I do it means I really need help, and for it to be refused feels like rejection. I don’t ask people who aren’t capable so it’s not like I’m unrealistic. I’m a people pleaser so I guess I expect everyone to be willing to help like me. I learned the hard way countless times. Some men have actually told me that I seem like the type to always get what she wants so they’re not going to help! They get a kick out of knocking me off their imaginary high horse.
    
    If I gave up from a string of bad experiences or one extremely bad one I’d have never experienced the helpful ones. And the helpful ones make my heart melt because well I’m not used to it. Sometimes I over appreciate the smallest things and they think the bare minimum is enough. That’s something I’m working on though it was uncomfortable at first, it’s nice to recieve!
    
    When a man offers me help without me asking it usually shows he cares. I was so tired of falling for men who don’t care about me but I think I’ve changed because now I fall for ones who do. The hard part is figuring out if they’re just kind in a friendly way or they’re interested in me.
    
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Melodie May 27, 2021, 8:23 am

Maybe this is true sometimes? It isn’t as easy as just saying be needy and or the damsel in distress and you will get the better males. Men are very fickle. Some women can ask a man with a 40,000 salary for a Benz or a Birkin and he will go into debt for it. The same man will meet a different woman and do as little as pay for movie dates and complain about gold-diggers. I would take it with a grain of salt. A man has to WANT to go to great lengths for you all on his own and it won’t matter if you are dependent or independent.

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- Bobbi Palmer May 28, 2021, 6:27 pm
  
  Your point is well made, Melodie. Though Nowhere in this article did I suggest acting needy in the damsel-in-distress way. There is a huge difference between allowing someone to help you and acting “needy” like that. Bp
  
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Andrea May 4, 2021, 7:40 am

I am dating a guy who is a widow and his daughter has Cerebel Paulsey. After his wife passed, taking care of her is his first and foremost priority. As it should be. But he isn’t sharing his feelings. I know he cares but how do I get him to share his feelings. I’m 67 years old and he’s 64

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- Andrea May 4, 2021, 7:45 am
  
  Moderation?
  
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- Bobbi Palmer May 6, 2021, 2:35 pm
  
  Here’s an article for you. https://datelikeagrownup.com/get-him-to-talk-about-feelings/
  
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Audra March 6, 2021, 6:41 am

I was at the grocery store buying a roast, these were on sale but only certain cuts were buy one get one free. All I did was ask a man working in the department for some help because I wanted to purchase the right one, and then suddenly there was eye contact and he just seemed amazed that I was actually asking for his help on this subject. Very interesting. ☺.

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- Bobbi Palmer March 10, 2021, 9:31 am
  
  Not surprising, Audra! It’s nice, isn’t it? Bp
  
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Luna January 27, 2021, 3:00 am

I am 53 and have been so badly burner by men, that I am terrified of dating. I am fiercly independent and have very long periods of time on my own, after relationships gone bad. Which is obviously all of them, being that I am still on my own at 53. I feel like I don’t want a man in my life because they just complicate it. However, I not so deep down, want desperately to be loved. Help!

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Jen December 8, 2020, 3:02 am

This is a game changer for me! I have it all wrong in my thinking, the more independent I am the better. I was taught to be self sufficient and not to depend on anyone. This explains why after divorcing 16 years ago, I’m still single.

Thank you for this awareness!

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- Bobbi Palmer December 11, 2020, 1:40 pm
  
  Yay Jen! I’m excited you found me because this really is a game-changer. Go out and enjoy not having to do it all yourself and feeling alone in this world. Hugs, Bp
  
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Henrietta Bottomley August 2, 2020, 9:23 am

I am so independent and this opened my eyes

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Betty June 25, 2020, 5:55 pm

I love your blog!I am a widow 82! I have connected with my husband’s college roommate of 61 years ago! He is 80. He is widower of 4 years. My husband has been gone for 9 years around Christmas. I really didn’t know his roommate. Your blog is so well written. Your blog is answering so many of my questions. He and his wife were married 54 years…happily, I think. I like what you said at first…that usually a widower who has made it this long…is pretty safe. Any advise you want to give, would be great! I am in CA and he is in Colorado…We email and skype. xoxo >

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- Bobbi Palmer June 28, 2020, 8:05 am
  
  Hi Betty. If you haven’t already be sure to download my ebook. I’ve gathered some spectacular bits of advice from the readers here. That, in addition to mine, should give you some great support. Glad you’re here and I wish you well with your Man. You both deserve all the happiness you can stand. Bp
  
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Kia April 24, 2020, 9:29 pm

I just read this article I been following your blogs for years I’m a person with a good heart and a giver and I can take care of myself I been dating this guys for 9mos how do I turn things around I don’t ask him for anything but he will work all day and invite me over for dinner he will cook and make my plate for me after a long day of work i always thank him tell him I appreciate him hes just getting back on his feet so I’ll see how this goes now that he’s back on his feet

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Angelina April 7, 2020, 11:09 am

I appreciate it! I wish to learn alot from you !

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Lindy November 26, 2019, 8:39 pm

Learned this one the hard way about not expecting anything gets you the guys (and friends) who don’t want to give you anything. My ex married a needy woman.

I too was raised to be self sufficient by a strong and independent mother. Intent was good, results were not. Thought it was a good thing by not being high maintenance. Had no clue that ‘it’s ok, I can do it myself’ was such a turn off [face palm]. Truly thought I was being considerate. My mother’s intent was to not be helpless and to avoid any obligation or pressure for sx. Have had the same experience as the poster about coffee dates and expectations for night time and even daytime action.. sigh.

Good points from the men about feeling useful and valued.

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- Bobbi Palmer December 2, 2019, 10:33 am
  
  Lindy, life is all a learning experience. Now that you know this, you can approach men and dating differently. With a little more vulnerability and softness. Let us know how it goes! – Bp
  
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Stella Gilbert November 21, 2019, 7:25 am

What about when he needs to be needed for everything? When he wants to be the sole provider and almost… controlling? He loved giving me a credit card, and working on my car and stuff… but was able to make me feel like I owed him and I was just a burden rather than him doing it because he wanted to or was being helpful.

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- Bobbi Palmer November 21, 2019, 7:39 am
  
  Stella these are two completely different things. I’m speaking of men who enjoy the opportunity to add something to a woman’s life. He gets pleasure simply by making her happy. Your guy uses doing things to ultimately get what he wants. Run from that guy, girlfriend. Bp
  
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Dario October 22, 2019, 1:35 am

I would like to talk about this topic.
I have seen many women show interest at first, but when I helped them with things it killed the respect and attraction they had for me. When I listened to their worries they were happy to have an ear but when I needed someone to talk to, they gave me the silent treatment. When it was them asking for meeting they wanted me to be available, but when I asked to meet and they had no plans, they ended up watching TV instead of going out. They asked me for my knowledge and asked me to please them sexually, but never thought about my pleasure, my emotions or my needs in other areas. None of those women are in my life at this moment. Why? I try to give an opportunity to change at first, and try to give opportunities as much as I can, but when I see they don’t change and increase the disrespectful behavior, the line is crossed and there’s no way back.

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- Carice Andersen March 26, 2021, 10:19 pm
  
  I get treated like that all the time by men also. They start off by helping me with my problem and then ghost bomb me for no apparent reason. They expect me to do all the work in the relationship and read their minds at the same time and take from me. They know how to start out the relationship as good guys. Been married to 3 different men with three different signs who started out as good guys but turned into emotional con artists all 3 times. You sound like you might be compatible with me. This article doesn’t answer the question about how long I should date them and how to make sure he won’t change after the marriage. I hate playing games like that.
  
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  - Chantel October 7, 2021, 6:15 am
    
    I think people that act like that love the chase or are afraid of intimacy. I also do think some people are just take advantage of others or like having an ego boost to know that they still got it.
    
    It really seems both people have to be ready at the same time for it to work out. Or at the very least have open communication. The hot and cold game is far too common.
    
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Maneater, apparently September 6, 2019, 11:59 am

This morning I woke up to a text from a male acquaintance – the textversation turned into a therapy session for him (which was unexpected, but felt oddly familiar. I later Googled why I attract a certain type of male and stumbled upon your article. I saw the italic portion and had an epiphany! I’ve never told anyone I was strong & independent, but I certainly have a problem receiving – even compliments. In this textversation, the guy said something that echoed sentiments I’ve heard, repeatedly, from men – ones my age and those 20 years my senior: “you have a commanding presence.” Other variations include, “when you walk, the earth shakes,” (which wasn’t a joke about my weight) “you’re intimidating,” and my favourite, from a guy whose flat tire I changed while on our date, “you’re scary.” What I struggle with is asking for help when I don’t need it, and then watching someone struggle and unsuccessfully do that thing. I’ve told my male friends, “I’m looking for a guy who is more of a man than I am.” Men, who I would never seriously consider dating, have told me “you are my oxygen” are quite comfortable divulging their insecurities to me and ultimately emotionally depending on me. Meanwhile, the type of man I’d entertain doesn’t seem to notice me. I was forced to be an adult, provide for myself and live on my own as a young teenager – it doesn’t even occur to me to ask for help; this self-sufficiency, apparently, came at a cost. Now that I’m an (overly)educated adult, I’ve tried to downplay what I do for a living and how much I know, but what is your advice for giving the appearance of desire/want to attract the type of male I’d like while not feeling like I’m being totally fraudulent?

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- Bobbi Palmer September 8, 2019, 1:32 pm
  
  Realizing how you’re showing up and wanting to make some changes is one of the toughest things to do. So good for you! Type feminine” into the search on my main blog page and you’ll get many tips to answer your question. Bp
  
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Lisa Decker August 10, 2019, 9:16 am

I sooooo needed this “heads up” right now-thank you!

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Chris H. September 29, 2018, 10:22 pm

The homework…What??? Where are all these guys standing around waiting to help??? If I had anyone to ask other than my ex, I would. Believe me. Sometimes as a last resort when I can’t figure it out I ask him to fix something because it’s his son’s home, too. Otherwise there’s no one. Absolutely no one.

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Truth Is July 27, 2018, 8:46 am

The real problem is that most of the women today are real Golddiggers and will look for men that only have money unfortunately.

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- Bobbi Palmer July 27, 2018, 8:18 pm
  
  Oh “Truth Is”…you are SO SO wrong. Full. Stop.
  
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  - Chris H. September 29, 2018, 10:43 pm
    
    I’m not looking to date a wealthy man, but I do require him to be employed. Often “self-employed” or “entrepreneur” is code for “out of work,” I’ve learned.
    
    So if that’s what you mean by gold-digger, I’m guilty. I want an equal partner, not another dependent.
    
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Olongapo July 11, 2018, 12:35 pm

I told my ex-wife on the day that we signed our divorce papers that “I would have died for her.” I absolutely meant it… at the time. She told me on a number of occasions that she really didn’t need me and she was correct. She had money, her grown children, her grandchildren, and a solid set of friends and my utility to her was minimal.

I didn’t serve a useful function except as an accessory….or so I thought. This is a very hard thing for a man to get his head around these days. The fact that they’re really not needed. They may be wanted, but not needed.

This event caused me to re-think everything I thought was true about relationships and how I chose to give myself to a woman. I focus on my business, my dogs, and travel and screen pretty hard the women I choose to let into my life. They have to bring something of value besides sex to the table.

There is nothing more off putting than a woman declaring that she is strong and independent at the outset. This sets off an alarm. My assumption is, that this is a given in the subset of women I’m attracted to and it really doesn’t need to be thrown down like a challenge. It’s disrespectful to men like myself who are seeking a partnership. I often will not call back for that reason. In the past, this has often led to ruin.

How this translates into dating advice may be: Lighten up. Flirt a little bit. Let me open the door for you. When we know each other a little better, ask me to fix the leak under your sink (even if you already know how to do it). Make me dinner once in a while and show me some appreciation by taking me to dinner. If it gets serious, then make me your number one and never, ever, place me in the position of having to compete with your children and grandchildren. This last point is real important.

Men absolutely need to feel useful but will bolt when it’s apparent that they’re simply one other competing interest that needs to be managed.

This sounds awfully whiney on my part however, what I have learned is that my time, emotions, and energy, are valuable and that I’m the prize. Part of getting that prize is feeding my need for utility. I won’t ask for it but I will certainly walk away if I feel like I’m taken for granted. I’m speaking for myself, of course but I suspect that a lot of men feel the same way as I do.

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- Chris H September 29, 2018, 10:40 pm
  
  A man will never have to compete with my son because he is my flesh and blood. He will always be my first priority. I wouldn’t respect a man who put dating ahead of his children’s needs. So if back-to-school night conflicts with our date, I’m going to ask to reschedule. If my child is sick, I’m staying home. Get over it.
  
  So, yeah. No competition there.
  
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- Steph G September 3, 2019, 5:09 pm
  
  Olongapo.. so sorry you were told at the outset that you really weren’t needed. That sounds painful and no husband should be treated in that manner.
  However, I would like to point out that the opposite can happen and there’s a lesson to be learned for all of us no matter which end you’re coming from. As a wife who raised two children moved 10 times for my husband’s job (in 25 yrs) so that he could move to the very top to a global managerial position of a major pharmaceutical company and then be told recently through all of that, that I did not appreciate all his work & that I always put the CHILDREN before him has really left me bewildered. I also worked part-time pharmaceutical sales during all of this . He rarely ever demonstrated the behavior of a true partner, so I had full responsibility of the children and everything else. All while doing all of the child care, making sure the cars, pets, mother in law and yard were cared for& on & on. He had zero responsibility and refused to help me with the tasks I needed help with whenever he was around. If I asked I was iced out for days at a time . When he was home he just laid around and sulked.
  Moral.of the story:::: early on I chose to ignore signs of personality differences and incompatibility. Instead I chose to not see my own worth as a human and cater to his demands & needs for many years. If there is a next time one needs to take their time and know their own value and worth and not settle for someone who is going to treat them like hired help. If you really get to know a potential partner long enough and this is key.. you’ll see the signs of incompatibility or not. Another way to put this is the saying from Mayo Angelo– ” when someone shows you who they are believe them” Oprah Winfrey adds on to that “the first time”.
  Best wishes to all of us on this journey of healing and moving forward.
  
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Alia June 9, 2018, 6:34 pm

Wow this article absolutely stunned me. The last guy I dated, I actually told him there’s nothing a man can do for me that I can’t do for myself. Oopsie LOL. This will be a difficult task for me because I don’t like asking for help.. I do appreciate the insight though.

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- Bobbi Palmer June 9, 2018, 7:15 pm
  
  LOL. Oppose indeed. I guarantee that f you try it – just a couple times, even with girlfriends- you’ll like it! You don’t have to do it all yourself sister! Bp
  
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Kay April 4, 2018, 10:54 am

Wow Bobbi! A true revelation for me. I can be fiercely independent and have made this mistake when on a date. The men will say that they want to take me to fancy restaurants and show me great things that they enjoy doing. I always say that I don’t need fancy, I just like spending time with them. Going forward, I will not repeat that mistake. My biggest struggle will be to show them that I DO need them. Because I do, I’m not good at showing it.
Thanks for this gem and all of your other great articles!

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- Bobbi Palmer April 9, 2018, 4:01 pm
  
  You are SO welcome, Kay. I’m thrilled that you ‘got’ this. It will make a gigantic difference in your life! Hugs. Bp
  
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Jamie January 26, 2018, 6:13 pm

Hi Bobbi, I find this really interesting and clarifying, if not a little mystical, still! But it feels good and less blaming than so many other sites or advice I read. I’m 38, and haven’t thought of myself as much of a grownup. I think therein lies part of the problem. I would love to write this one man I met on New Year’s eve and try these approaches. I’ve been honest and vulnerable with him more than normal, and he’s been communicative enough that I felt safe and positive about trusting that he wanted to see me again. But we also had super strong and comforting/safe-feeling sexual chemistry! I went with my instincts and kissed him and enjoyed it and we both had a lot of fun making out. I felt he was approachable and open and that it was ok for me to dust off a 5-year long “sort of” long distance relationship that just ended with some fun. But he’s also someone I could see evolving into a man I’d like more than physically, maybe. He’s been “gone” for 6 days without any response to my suggestion of a third date, after he said he wanted to see me and asked me my thoughts. I’m working hard to curb my anxiety, but I also sense that maybe I should just give up. I don’t know how much to pursue someone who’s seemingly ignoring me. But I’m also intrigued in this scenario to “ask for what I want” in a simple, nice way, (aka, to see him again) but i’m so mortified I might be throwing my dignity at his feet. I really have so little experience with new dating like this. I don’t know if I even need to it to work out a certain way, I just want to have more positive communication like we seemed to have had and which I enjoyed. So many men (well, people) do this “ghosting” thing and it breaks my heart. He wasn’t doing it and now he is which feels like a real shift. I know I don’t know him that well, but I’m wondering if there is anything to improve the communication even this early on in these circumstances. How to ask for what I want (not to be ghosted) when the very idea that I am being ignored might be enough evidence to show me NOT to ask for what I want? Does that make sense? 😛 sorry to write so much. Thank you for this refreshing perspective on dating. It’s not easy to take responsibility, but I find it feels more in line with my vision of myself (honest and non-game playing).

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- Bobbi Palmer January 31, 2018, 7:01 pm
  
  HI Jamie. I’m glad you’re here. Yes, you want to ask for what you want. Ask, and then (as they say in sales training) shut -up. The next step is theirs. There is no reason to be mortified if he says ‘no thanks.’ You are not lowering yourself or, as you said, throwing your dignity at his feet. There is nothing at all to be ashamed of! Be proud that you are acting like a grownup by clearly stating your interest. Be proud that you are being open and, yes, vulnerable. You’re doing your best and being your best. If he doesn’t respond positively, so what? There are thousands more men where he came from. You Did Good.
  So no…don’t pursue someone who’s seemingly ignoring you. Pat yourself on the shoulder for being a grownup and move on. Here’s another article for you to read. It’ll help you with feelings of rejection. Hugs. Bp
  
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Lulu January 5, 2018, 12:24 pm

I was that person for most of my life. Didn’t know how to ask for things from my ex husband even, mostly because his attitude got me to walking on eggshells, and that became a habit over the years. oh well. Not anymore for years now.

I’ve tried online dating for one year, then went on a few dates with people I met in real life, then that was it. Single.

All the eligible men I met had one thing in common, they don’t like to wait. They’re not interested in knowing me unless the dinner or coffee they buy is going to bare fruit immediately. Meaning making out or sex. One man even told me, after calling him out, that if he buys a girl a coffee or a drink, he’s thinking in his head: “she’d better give a great BJ for this so that I consider taking her out to dinner”. We then had an interesting conversation about prostitution!
Where are the men who were raised better than that? I don’t know, but they’re definitely not around where I live, a paradise of meat market.
So believe me, the moment I meet an eligible man who is a notch above this low, I will ask him to bring his muscles, brain and body, and come over to fix things around 😉

Thank you for your wonderful article, different from most advise I see online.

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- Bobbi Palmer January 5, 2018, 10:54 pm
  
  Hi Lulu. Geez you are definitely meeting the wrong guys. I’ve been an onlooker hundreds of times as women meet men and date. The vast majority me are not like the men you describe. Be sure you are clear from the beginning that you have a lot to give and expect certain treatment back. Don’t be afraid to ask what they are looking for and ultimately wishing for. If it’s anything other than LTR or marriage don’t waste your time. Hugs. Bp
  
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Trish November 20, 2017, 8:28 pm

I do this all the time…NOW. When I was younger….much younger…like
40 years ago, I didn’t know any better. Now I do! I still don’t get any dates.

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- Bobbi Palmer November 26, 2017, 2:41 pm
  
  Great you’re doing this Trish. It’s one thing that can be really positive for you. If you’re not getting dates (and I’ve been there – it’s sucks) then there’s more for you to learn. Go back to my blog page and check out the Meeting Men category. There’s a lot for you there. Hugs. Bp
  
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Rosa K. November 20, 2017, 10:20 am

This topic is brilliant. With my new man, the more I ask for the more he gives and he tells me how wonderful it makes him feel to provide for me and make me happy. This concept works!

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Marie November 20, 2017, 9:49 am

These tips are all SPOT ON! I wish I would have found them before a previous relationship. Thankfully, they reinforce the fact that I’m with a great man now!

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- Bobbi Palmer November 26, 2017, 2:38 pm
  
  Great to hear, Marie!! Bp
  
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Lisa soriano June 28, 2017, 9:56 pm

I think it’s a very subjective topic. I think this article is missing the point where consequently in the long run a man needs his low maintenance/ needy wife to be someone understanding, who listens to him and response to that. In my experience, I have noticed the kind of comfort and relief that a man experiences when i listen and try to understand his view. Sure a low maintenance/laidback women can seem independent, but that just translates that she has a life and doesnt need to tie a leash around him, of cause she has to do the work like you said, show some appreciation and throw in the occasional ‘damsel in distress’ and tell him when his wrong. Speak up basically. Thats what we low maintenance woman ( like myself) fail to bring to the table at times i guess. We come of as aloof or cant care less when in fact, we do. But more than anything, i think the word ‘low maintenance’ is used alittle too strongly here. I would say ‘laidback’ is more appropriate. Being needy is subjective too. That could drive some man nuts. You’ll only know how to react when eventually you understand how your SO works. I would say if you’re a lad looking for an independant woman who would still massge your feet at the end of the day, go for someone laidback. If you are looking for a real challenge, go for a boss. and if you’re looking to feel needed and masculine, go for the needy woman.

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- Bobbi Palmer June 30, 2017, 3:21 pm
  
  Thanks for your thoughtful comment, Lisa. I agree that ” in the long run a man needs his low maintenance/ needy wife to be someone understanding, who listens to him and responds to that.” Yes, every man needs that. Some of this may be semantics and there are subjective definitions of each, for sure. Yes, the totally independent (aka low-maintenance) woman can come off as aloof or not caring, and that is a problem. But what I really hope to communicate here is that Good Men – those who want to give and make a real connection with a woman – MUST be able to feel they are enhancing her life. They have to feel that they make you happier, safer, more complete than you are without him. That means you must be able to openly and graciously receive from them. And not just a nice dinner. It means advice, emotional support (the best they can as men), protection, learning, comfort. He needs to feel that you welcome and appreciate that he can add to your already good life. Yes, being needed is what makes men feel masculine. That doesn’t equate with ‘they want a needy woman.’ They just want a woman who needs him. Very different. Does that make sense? Bp
  
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  - Splenda Daddy November 5, 2017, 5:25 pm
    
    Hello again Bobbi, man here. You’ve figured out our secret good man decoder ring. I can tell you that you’re 100% correct. I’m a good man, divorced and single, and you nailed it.
    
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    - Bobbi Palmer November 6, 2017, 8:14 pm
      
      Hi Man. I LOVE when people agree with me, especially men! Thanks! Bp
      
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      - V R November 20, 2017, 9:42 am
        
        Oh come on!!!! The world is in need of good PEOPLE (men and women). Good men should be able to want to have fun with their partner. Want to be pampered? Both go to a spa. Got a cut when cooking or whatever? Put a band-aid and laugh about it. I’m tired of the needy-woman behavior as justification to get a good man. Actually, I might not need a good man, I just need a man. Who by the way might be good and bad at the same time. Everything in one package, but balanced, and not a cheater for sure. Good all the time… boring! Bad all the time… unhealthy. Both in a balanced way… Perfect for me!
        
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Laura March 31, 2017, 1:44 pm

It makes so much sense now it’s been said! I’ve been pretending I am in no need of a man and not dependent and that’s the impression I try to give off… I’ve had 2 awful, and I mean awful, narcissistic relationships that have taken chunks from my soul. I am taking all the advice that I have read and making no secret that I want to be loved, respected, appreciated and not have my kindness taken for weakness. Thank you!!

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- Bobbi Palmer April 7, 2017, 6:49 pm
  
  I”m SO happy to know this Laura! Not about your past crappy relationships, of course. But that you know your part in them and, most importantly, how to avoid it in the future. Makes my day when I know I”ve helped a lovely woman like you break that soul-sucking cycle. Congrats to you, sister. Hugs. Bp
  
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we said it already December 7, 2016, 12:17 pm

as a man i can say it is tricky for women to understand what men are driving at.
There is the independent woman who by action or thought is “i do not need a man” and the man is like what am i doing here.
And then on the other spectrum is the woman who thinks a man is a racing horse. demanding and never contributing anything. obviously the man gets tired, frustrated and divorcy…cant get a better word.
the high maintenance woman is a myth. unless they are paying their own bills. men want a return from their so called high maintenance woman. some value. they are not that dumb as some women want to imagine.

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- Bobbi Palmer December 7, 2016, 2:14 pm
  
  Honestly, we don’t think you are dumb, and we do pay our bills. At least the women here at Date Like a Grownup. I agree that women need to give as much as they receive. Never said otherwise. Yup. Bp
  
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Precious February 14, 2015, 1:57 pm

What an insightful article! I must try to be more “needy” the next time I’m interested in a guy and see how it goes! I have been doing the exact opposite thinking it would make me more desirable.

I have recently gotten back in touch with someone and wanted to see where it would go with them. Things started out great. He was calling me to get together days in advance, picking me up, opening doors, paying for everything and being respectful. Then he started calling me the day of wanting to see me or just hours before wanting to see me. Which I found disrespectful. I never brought it up to him thinking that it would scare him away and so he continued his behavior. Should I have put my foot down and confronted him? Would he have more respect for me if I did? Sometimes I feel like guys who start out great but then begin to go bad do it just to see how much they can get away with. And in the end to judge whether or not the girl is worth their effort and time. Am I right in this thinking? If I am right then your article makes sense in that it’s about gaining a mans respect, and you do that by being demanding.

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- Bobbi Palmer February 15, 2015, 3:51 pm
  
  Hi Precious. I wouldn’t say you do it by demanding…no. You do it by helping him understand what you want and need. You’re sharing this and giving him an opportunity to step up. You could have simply said ‘You know, Bob, I’m really enjoying spending time with you and I like you a lot. I want to be sure we can get together and to that it works best for me if we make plans at least a couple days in advance. Can you make that work? I hope that works for you because I’d really like to continue getting to know you.’ Something like this is positive, clear and gives him a non-demanding way to say yes or no. Then you know if he’s your kind of guy or not. One other thing: When men are happy they get comfortable. Sometimes this behavior is definitely a guy being lazy or taking advantage. Sometimes it’s just that he considers you ‘his girl’ and assumes you know that and that you will see each other. Hope this helps!! Glad you’re here. Bp
  
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  - Leonard Newman October 11, 2019, 12:42 am
    
    BP, I didn’t understand this piece of conversation at all! We get lazy, because we call the same day, of! I would like to call that, spontaneity!
    
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Roshi June 11, 2014, 11:22 am

It’s refreshing to read sensible advice for women, although I’m a man. It’s extremely hard to find women that have a balanced view of a man being needed.

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- Aron April 10, 2016, 9:40 am
  
  Yes!
  
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Natalie May 3, 2014, 6:09 am

I don’t share this view. Needy, low-maintenance, and jerk are some loaded descriptors and mean something different to each individual.

The gracious needy gal sounds great and all, but where are the fine lines between stalking needy gal and constantly needing your time and effort gal? It sounds like an idealized character, as does Mr Good Man. I really don’t see how being low maintenance is a problem. Codependent, perhaps. But they can still get “the guy” as you say…I don’t get this article.

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- Bobbi Palmer May 4, 2014, 10:03 pm
  
  Hi Natalie, No need to agree with me and I respect your view. I agree that these are loaded words and understood differently. I honestly used the Needy Word to get your attention. It works. 🙂 This message is going out to the women who I generally support who are strong, independent and competent…and who NEVER ask for help. My message to them (you?) is that if you want a nice, giving man in your life you have to let him BE THAT. I never said anything about all the time. I never said don’t give and just take. It’s not that black or white. There seems to be a mile wide line between “Let your man give” to be a needy, selfish stalker. Perhaps you are reading into my message and coloring it with your “I don’t need no stinking man” brush?
  
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- Roshi June 11, 2014, 12:43 pm
  
  Imagine sitting in the passenger seat of, let’s say, my sports car. I’m cruising at forty miles per hour, which is the speed limit. Without notice, I decide to put the pedal to the floor. That’s what it’s like to be in a relationship with someone that don’t want much but then decide they want more than what they’re getting. So there is validity in saying ” avoid being a low maintenance Gal”. A women should have some needs that is expressed.
  
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- Jacqueline December 31, 2016, 4:51 pm
  
  I think this is a matter of semantics. I don’t think it’s so much to be needy, but to learn how to allow someone to do something for you. I am definitely a strong, independent woman, mostly because I’ve had to be responsible for myself at an early age. And one of the greatest lessons I learned in a relationship was to do some taking, not all the giving. It was a big deal for me to allow my partner to do something for me. We were both givers, and I learned from him how to take a step back and accept an act of kindness. It was his way of showing me he cared for me, not me being a weak person, which is how I originally viewed it. I remember him actually getting upset and saying, would you let me at least make dinner for you? Do you think I am not a good cook? It was his way of helping me at a hectic time in my life.. and it went even further as it was a huge lesson for me– just because he makes me dinner or is helping me with my job doesn’t mean I’m needy or weak. Being able to accept is just as important as giving. While the relationship didn’t last, that lesson is one I will always remember.
  
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Adrienne March 31, 2014, 10:24 am

I owe my life to a broken typewriter ribbon. Let me explain: my mother, who is a highly-competent, got-it-together, ducks-in-a-row gal, was typing a paper that was due the next day and her typewriter ribbon broke. She panicked – she would rather die than not have her paper ready to hand in – so she called my dad, whom she hadn’t been speaking to for a while. He came over, replaced her typewriter ribbon, saved her day, and the rest is history. Phew.

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- Bobbi Palmer March 31, 2014, 11:10 am
  
  I LOVE this story, Adrienne! Thanks so much for sharing it!
  
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Lori January 16, 2014, 5:34 am

It didn’t work out. I didn’t have the opportunity to put your advice to good work. We didn’t really speak after that. He still messages me occasionally right out of the blue to chit chat although its been months and i have moved on and am dating someone new. Men Blah……

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- bobbi January 20, 2014, 11:11 am
  
  Hi Lori….Men are fabulous! Just don’t put up with men who aren’t, ok? And about the guy who still calls out of the blue. Beware!! Read this article on Pingers: https://datelikeagrownup.com/2010/06/dating-the-somewhat-disappearing-man/
  
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Lori July 12, 2013, 12:34 pm

I love this sight. There is so much useful information. I recently left my husband on 15 year, am ready to date. I have admired a regular customer of mine for quite some time. When he knew i had left my husband he began talking to me more. Showing up in the same places and finally asked me to go out. Yea me right?? We went for brunch, went for drinks, out for ice cream as well as spending a couple of evenings at his place taliking for hours. This all happened in 5 days. Wow!! He was on vacation at the time. Now he is back to work and has called me a couple of times but we haven’t seen each other. Heres where I think I blew it. I expected to see him by the ebd of the week so when he called I asked him if we were going to get together. When he said no he was too tired…well i got a little upset. He said he was married to his job for the next 6 months until he retires… Then he asked me do I expect from him? We already discussed it. Help. I don’t want to loose this amazing man. I am not looking for anything serious right now but i would like to see where this goes.. any advise on how to fix this

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- bobbi July 18, 2013, 11:20 am
  
  Hi Lori, One of the things that will scare a man away the fastest is to put pressure on him early on before he’s decided that you are someone he really wants to get to know. Then we become one of “those women” to him and he likely runs for the hills. You can fix it though! Just call him and Tell him the truth! Tell him that you kinda lost our mind. You like him and are enjoying getting to know him and had a silly reaction because you were looking forward to seeing him. Tell him you understand and appreciate his commitment to work and the other parts of his life. If that’s part of what attracts you to him tell him that. Then ask if he would be open to continuing to get to know one another. This is the grownup part of relationships: honesty, taking responsibility for your actions and even doing some things that are a little scary if it means helping the partnership flourish. And btw, don’t give him long stories. Just say i and shush…give him a moment or two to think if he needs to before he responds.
  Let me know how it goes! And if it doesn’t work out, feel great about yourself for learning and trying…and use this experience for the next opportunity. (There WILL be more opportunities.)
  Bp
  
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Innocent Bystander November 15, 2011, 3:31 pm

That makes SO MUCH more sense than what I’ve been doing. I thought it was a sign of weakness and lack of independence to let a man think I “needed” him. Looks like I’ve been approaching it all wrong.

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Layla Bauder November 8, 2011, 1:34 pm

Bobbi,

I wish I had this advice 10 years ago! Soooo true coming from doing everything myself and not making room for anyone to provide anything for me in the past. Great site and awesome advice!

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- Bobbi Palmer November 8, 2011, 2:04 pm
  
  Hi Layla! I’m so glad you came to visit and are reading here. Thanks for leaving your comment. And btw ladies: Layla is my Mary Kay consultant and she rocks!!!! Email her if you need great beauty an health products. They are yummy!
  
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  - Divorced guy June 3, 2018, 2:46 pm
    
    I am a 53 yr. old single man, recently divorced and this article absolutely 100% nails it. Thankyou
    
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    - Bobbi Palmer June 16, 2018, 7:36 pm
      
      I love when you guys agree with me! Thanks for being here D.G.
      
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