Needy women attract good men. Low-maintenance women attract jerks…or no men at all.
Is this counter to what you’ve always thought? Did you think that the less you expected from a man, the more he’d like you? Well, consider this:
A Good Man – one who is confident, mature and relationship-minded – desperately wants to give to a woman and make her happy. He needs to know that you need him and that he’s enhancing your already-great life. He needs to know that he can WIN with you.
…as a grownup woman looking to share her life with a grownup man, not expecting anything only gets you the guy who doesn’t want to give you anything.
A good man also wants to know that you respect and love yourself. He does not want to be completely responsible for your happiness. (That’s why I said he wants to “enhance” your life, not “be” your life.)
Now, say you’re the gal who doesn’t need anything. (Or, like most women you would LOVE to have a man to lean on, but you don’t act like you do.) Mr. Good Man will NOT pick you as a partner. He may sleep with you or be your friend…but he won’t marry you.
If you don’t leave room for a man to be your hero, and you don’t show that you know you’re worthy of him, he will leave before you can say “Why didn’t he call? or “Why am I always stuck with jerks, users and narcissists?”
On the other hand, let’s say that you graciously receive his compliments and show enthusiastic appreciation for the big and little things he does for you. Maybe you occasionally ask for his advice and let him open the pickle jar. You also make and keep boundaries, expect him to keep his word and expect to be treated like the special woman you are.
That, along with your kindness to him, tells Mr. Good Man that you’re relationship material. You’re able to welcome him into your life. You are confident in who you are, what you want, and how to get it. And you are allowing him to give it. (Yes! Allowing! It is a gift to allow someone to give to you.)
Isn’t it funny? All this time we thought being low maintenance got the guy. Actually, that was in high school. Now, as a grownup woman looking to share her life with a grownup man, not expecting anything only gets you the guy who doesn’t want to give you anything.
So here’s some homework to help you decide where you stand with this. Look back on previous relationships (short or long) and answer these questions:
- Were there any good guys who might have gotten away because you acted like you didn’t need him and/or didn’t seem to have any expectations of him?
- Do you have a lot of buddies but no romantic mojo?
- Are the men you’re attracting the Good Guys or are they just takers?
- Do you know your boundaries, and do you stick to them?
- How well do you show him that you respect yourself? If a cute guy asks you out for Friday night on Friday morning, do you accept? When he doesn’t call or shows up late, do you tell him it’s okay because you don’t want to scare him away? (I think he gets one free pass on these, btw.) When he’s telling you he’s too busy to see you week after week, are you still hanging on?
- And…how is this working for you?
If you are surrounded by buddies…if men only want to use you or take from you, or you’re completely man-less…listen up!
When you ask for nothing, that’s exactly what you get. You want to attract a good man? Show him you NEED him.
Here is your action item for the week:
Once a day ask a man for help. It can be help figuring out the spreadsheet on your computer, lifting a box into your car, advice about which mechanic to use, or even directions.
This doesn’t have to be someone you are romantically interested in (extra points if he is, though!). Just a co-worker, neighbor, friend, a guy in the grocery store.
Let him help you, show your appreciation and watch his reaction closely. We all learn from each other so please share your experience in the comments below. Can’t wait to hear from you!