OK, Ladies, are you ready to truly understand what single men want from grownup women like you? Can you handle the truth? Of course you can. You are an empathetic woman. You know that understanding single men is a key to finally writing your own grownup love story. (Right??)
You are about to read the honest, real, unvarnished truth about what a commitment minded, nice, cute, professional, divorced 54-year-old man really wants from you.
LM is a man-fan of mine. Yes, Date Like a Grownup has man-fans! They are mostly the male counterpart of you. Nice, successful, decent people who find themselves single over 40. Grownup single men who want love, companionship, romance and commitment and are doing their best to navigate the rocky shores of dating over 40.
LM really says it best, so here is what he has to say after reading about the various types of 40+ single women, called my 6 FemiTypes.
Please thank Bobbi on my behalf. As a guy she’s been a tremendous help in terms of understanding and relating to women in the 50+ age group. She’s a much better writer than we have on the guy’s side of things! Bobbi brings up things I would never have thought of.
Personally, I find the biggest obstacle, and most commonly occurring is type 4 the Wow-me woman. Even as a guy it is rough out there and this Wow me attitude is so prevalent and SO discouraging.
I’m no slouch: tall, trim, own my own business, nice guy to a fault. What do women say? “L, you are kind, decent, funny, and attractive but I just don’t feel enough “electricity” (aka infatuation) so I’m going to have to end it.”
The biggest obstacle I face is meeting this expectation of “rock me to my soul connection” fantasy man that even they can’t explain. Whatever it is, apparently I don’t have enough of it. Maybe they carry it at Costco! In thinking about it, I’m not even sure when they say that, it’s the real issue. These women have been emotionally abused, disappointed, betrayed and they are just so hard-wired to not get hurt again. Understandable.
By setting unattainable standards (fantasy man) they ensure they will never again let somebody close enough to them to hurt them again. But then, I only took one psych course in college……
I like to keep things simple. All I want, to use an old-fashioned term, is a girlfriend. Somebody I can take out to dinner on Wednesday, a picnic on Saturday, and talk to or text during the week. How hard can that be?
Getting dates isn’t the problem, it’s converting just one to girlfriend status that has been the challenge. I get an enormous volume of contacts but these fifty year olds are like herding cats on caffeine. They come, they go, they re-appear. One second they’re super interested and then a day later it’s “hmmm, well, I’m not sure, yes, no, maybe, catch me if you can”.
They break up with me and then come back to renegotiate what I could best describe as a non-physical/friends with emotional benefits/rental husband offer (which doesn’t sound too appealing to me to be honest). They’ll text me non-stop for an entire weekend, totally disappear, and then email me ten days later.
“Rules Girl” tactics are common: don’t return phone calls or texts for 48 hours, don’t pick up the phone for scheduled phone dates, etc. (This is another “Bobbi’s right”, fifty-year-old guys hate that type of stuff.) A woman who will initiate a few ‘how’s your day going?’ texts and return texts within a few hours gets moved to the top of my list just because it’s so rare.
I’m starting to get an inferiority complex. My new ‘to do’ list: new deodorant brand, check teeth for broccoli, get prison gang tattoo and rob a convenience store to dispel nice guy image….
At this point becoming a priest is looking pretty appealing.
Whew! Did any of this sound familiar? The disappearing, the game-playing, the crazy expectations, the mixed messages? His frustration and his feelings of helplessness and inadequacy?
When it comes to dating and relationships, men and women’s experiences aren’t so different…unfortunately.
LM said: …women have been emotionally abused, disappointed, betrayed and they are just so hard wired to not get hurt again. I was that woman for a couple decades. My Wall of I Dare You did it’s job expertly. It protected me from ever giving any man of quality a chance to see me or touch my soul.
When I knocked down that wall, and learned some new things, my heart opened and my love came into my life.
I LOVE LM! What a smart, funny, loving man! He told us that he loves women, “if only they weren’t so complicated.” And he graciously gave me permission to publish his email because he wants to help women understand single men over 50, their feelings, what they want and don’t want. He wants to help us all make better human connections!
Even if you don’t see yourself in his description, I hope just knowing the crazy dating gauntlet guys go through will help you have compassion and understanding. And most of all, open you up to guys like LM who may not dazzle you on a date, but would make a fantastic partner or husband.
Good guys like LM are out there just looking for a wonderful woman just like you…just let down your wall and loving things will happen!
BTW, since this article was first published, LM has met a lovely woman and is enjoying a great relationship with her. Looks like it’s “The One” for him. He never gave up. He kept his heart and mind open. He also took a lot of my advice about how to attract better quality women…and THAT he did!
Looking back at your experiences over the past several years, does any of the wow-me pattern seem familiar?
Take some time to review who the guys were that you “just knew” were right for you but turned out to be losers, jerks or just plain wrong. (A guy who disappears after a ton of texts and emails and a few dates – and especially after having sex – is a jerk. Period.)
How much energy did you expend on this guy? And how did this bad choice affect your dating experiences going forward? Did it create some mistrust of men (and maybe mistrust of yourself)?
The grownup dater is clear on what she needs in a life partner. She knows exactly how she wants to feel when she’s with him, and she knows it takes a lot more than just excitement and being wowed to make a good partnership.
Learning the difference between a good date and a good mate is crucial not to drive your love life by fantasy and feelings alone. That’s why Step 2 of my 6-Step Find Hope and then Find Him System is Who is He? Getting Past My List.
When you can articulate the grownup feelings you must have to be happy with a man — for instance, you may want to feel safe, understood and adored – then you can use these to measure a man’s potential in a meaningful way.
I recommend that your mantra as you meet men is DISCOVER, DON’T DECIDE.
Give your intuition a holiday and tune into what your grownup woman is saying. If you find yourself getting swept away and can’t articulate why (except to say something like “He’s just so…awesome!”), then tap on the brakes for a while. He’ll still be there when the grownup part of you decides he’s got what it takes for you to be happy as partners.
Remember, you’re looking for a life partner, not just a good date. Life and love with a real man is so much better than chasing after an elusive fantasy. And truly understanding what both YOU and grownup single men want is the first step.