This might shock you: The intellectual connection and witty repartee that so many of us over 40, looking for love, single women say we want and MUST HAVE is not anywhere near the top of the list for most men when they date.
This is why so many women aren’t finding partners: because they are focusing on making an intellectual connection with men. I know that turns you on during a date, but it is not what brings and keeps men and women together.
What do men want? It’s best expressed in one of my favorite quotes:
“A man reserves his true and deepest love not for the species of woman in whose company he finds himself electrified and enkindled, but for that one in whose company he may feel tenderly drowsy.” ~ George Jean Nathan
What does this mean? It means when a man is with you he wants to be able to rest. He wants to be able to shed his proverbial suit and just be a nice man who is enjoying time with a nice woman.
Yes, he wants intellectual stimulation. But in order for him to feel romantic about you, he needs more. (And so do you, right?)
He needs to feel he’ll be accepted for who he is and be given the latitude to be imperfect. He wants to feel he can trust you and be trusted. He wants to feel like he’s appreciated. He wants to like himself and feel like a good MAN when he sees himself in your eyes. And, yes, he wants to have fun!
It may not be conscious, but it seems to me that when men make decisions about whether they want to see a woman again, they naturally tap in to their feelings and focus on how they felt during the date. (This is often something we women need to learn, which is why I teach it in Step 2 of my 6-Step Find Hope and Find Him System.)
After years of helping women over 40 date and fall in love, here is what I’ve learned: One of the most common reasons smart, independent women aren’t making connections on dates, aren’t attracting the men they like and are missing some good men, is because they are not making meaningful conversations.
When you are dating, or even talking to an attractive man in the supermarket, sharing information and opinions is not the same as sharing who you are.
Reciting your resume, telling him how you feel about global warming or listing the countries you visited on your latest trip is not conversation that leads to real connection. Sure, you can talk endlessly after finding out that you both like to ski. But that doesn’t give either of you any meaningful information about whether you have potential to enjoy any kind of partnership.
When you go out with someone you like, how can you make a real connection and keep him interested in a relaxed, fun and, of course, grownup way? The good news is you already have what it takes. You just need help accessing it.
Here is an exercise that will help you switch into the woman who can easily make deeper connections with the men you date:
Imagine being somewhere where you are interacting with people who bring out the best in you. People who, when you’re with them, you really like yourself. Maybe it’s a weekend getaway or a long afternoon lunch with girlfriends, maybe you’re doing your job, or with your family…but somewhere that requires give and take…interaction.
Imagine yourself there, with these people. Now…take a step back and watch yourself.
How are you being? How are you interacting? What are you doing or not doing? Watch yourself. How are you feeling…about them and about yourself?
When I have my coaching clients do this exercise, they usually tell me they are relaxed, laughing, touching, talking, enjoying give and take, smiling, having fun, loving, playful, nurturing, open. They
How about you? Write down what you observed about yourself.
Now, imagine yourself on a first date with a man you have some interest in. How are you being with him? How are you feeling about him and about yourself?
Is it the same? Are you that same woman?
95% of the time I hear a resounding “No!” Most women are very different on dates. More reserved maybe. Not relaxed. Not open. Maybe you’re waiting for him to make you feel safe. Maybe you are so worried about impressing him that you are caught up in your self-talk. Maybe you make decisions in the first few minutes and, if he’s not potentially The One, you turn that woman off.
I just completed co-teaching Ace the Date, a powerful telecourse exclusively for women over 40, and we really dug in to this exercise. Darcy, one of the women in the course, had a date immediately following the session so she was able to practice what she learned about herself.
At the next class Darcy shared that she had a great time on her date. She also said that it was the first time she wasn’t exhausted driving home! (I know that feeling. I had the exact same experience once I finally understood the value of showing up as my real, whole self.) Keeping in mind who she was with her friends, Darcy gave herself permission to be herself with the man she met; regardless of what he was like.
Not only did it make her date fun, it got her a second date! And Darcy admitted that, had they had the usual conversation she used to have on dates, she wouldn’t have learned what she did about him that made her want a second date. She’s excited!
Let me assure you of something: The guys you want will like the intellectual conversation, they want you to be smart and will love that you’re independent and accomplished. You can enjoy those things about your relationship. But just remember they don’t need that from you.
Loving yourself as a WOMAN — the one who is open, shares of herself freely, laughs and nurtures — LOVING HER and being her is what attracts the confident, interesting, passionate man and, ultimately brings love into your life.
I know smart is hot, but believe me after spending time with a man who prioritizes you, shares his passions with you, shows up when he says he’s going to, focuses on making you happy and supports you in all you do…you will LOVE THAT! It is damn sexy!
For more tips on how to make meaningful connections with men, click here to read this article “The Simple Word to Use to Magnetize the Right Man.”
I WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! Do you think this will help you on dates? Can you see how this difference has affected your dating in the past? LET ME KNOW YOUR THOUGHTS.