Trying to find love after 40, 50, 60 or beyond? It can be frustrating, I know. Been there! I’m writing today about the story of my journey to finding love at 47. Specifically, one thing I finally learned that changed my life forever:
It’s not at all about the men. Finding love all starts with yourself!
Since it’s Thanksgiving time, I figure it time you thank the one person who is the most important in your life: YOU.
You see…I wasn’t the kind of woman who got attention from men. I didn’t get asked out like other women did, I didn’t have the relationships and eventually get married like other women. I believed that I was obviously not special or lovable because no man would love me. As the decades went by and I remained single, my belief was constantly proven true.
Throughout my single years, well into my forties, that was my truth. I wasn’t enough, especially for men.
Can you relate at all?
It took me until my 40s to finally decide that I wanted that stuff that other women had. That belief — that it just wasn’t meant for me — finally sounded stupid. Why not?!?!? I was pretty fabulous, but something was wrong with me.
In my early 40s I reached out for help. I just wanted to feel good about myself. If I wasn’t going to ever find love, I wanted to be okay with being okay with me.
After a lot of honest introspection, learning new information and trying new ways to think and behave, I dug deep and got in touch with what I loved about myself and my life. With the support of experts, I started believing in myself and my ability to attract love.
I finally realized: I was okay. I was like everyone else – somewhat flawed – but still a great person. I was worthy of acceptance and love. Even from men.
So I stopped wasting time dwelling on my imperfections and set out leading with what was fabulous about me. Did I have to fake it for a while? Yes. But then I started believing it and showing it to the world.
And then Larry walked into my life. And he wanted me. Just how I was.
Be a woman who knows she is enough.
This isn’t about remaking yourself or fixing things you should be, that you’re not. It doesn’t mean it’s your fault or that there’s something wrong with you if you haven’t been able to attract true, lasting love into your life…yet.
Falling in love with yourself is about doing some honest self-reflection, celebrating yourself and showing yourself some kindness —because you deserve the best life possible. And because you know that you are Enough.
Falling in love with yourself is about doing some honest self-reflection, celebrating yourself and showing yourself some kindness —because you deserve it! Just like everyone else does. It’s about simply accepting that You Are Enough.
When was the last time you actually focused solely on yourself? Have you ever asked yourself, “What makes me a person worthy of amazing love?”
To me, love is a deep appreciation. When I talk about loving ourselves, I mean having a deep appreciation for who we are. We accept all the different parts of ourselves—our little peculiarities, the embarrassments, the things we may not do so well, and all the wonderful qualities, too.
Accept the whole package with unconditional love.
Unfortunately, many of us will not love ourselves until we lose the weight, or get the job, or get the raise, or the boyfriend, or whatever. We often put conditions on our love. But we can change that. We can love ourselves as we are right now! Just like we do our friends and family. They are certainly not perfect, are they? Of course not! But they are absolutely loveable.
Why can’t we offer the same to ourselves?
Three good reasons to give yourself permission to love yourself just the way you are:
1) The way you treat yourself is how others will treat you.
You probably know this…intellectually…but do you know how to live it?
Many learn this learn this as children, but unfortunately many of us don’t. We learn the opposite. Be humble, be altruistic, give give give. Well, how’s that working for you?
2) It makes you a better and more loving person to others.
Whether you realize it or not, the relationship you have with yourself sets the pattern for how you connect with others. By developing a nurturing way to relate to yourself, you create a personal experience of both giving and receiving friendship.
Best of all, you’ll have greater trust in your decision-making ability when you recognize yourself as your own best friend. When you become comfortable with a constructive inner dialog, you can create an inner support system—you’ll become more confident in your evaluation of your thoughts, feelings, and options.
3) It’s a man magnet!!
The gal getting all the attention is the happy friendly one. You are looking for adoration, respect and love from men. When they see you showering yourself with it, the good guys won’t be able to help but give it back.
Here is an exercise I do with my private clients to help them up their self-love – it’s a great way to find love after 40.
Make a list of what you are grateful for.
- I have great friends.
- My children are happy and doing well.
- I have a nice place to live.
Turn these things around to YOU.
- I thank myself for being the type of women who attracts and keeps such nice friends.
- I thank myself for being such a good mom that my children want to hang out with me.
- I thank myself for working hard to provide myself with a comfortable home.
These are truer than the first statements, right? Those friends, children and home did not just fall into your lap, did they? They are in your life because of YOU.
What wonderful things in your life can you thank YOURSELF for?
I’m not here to force you to love yourself but to see who you really are.
Just like my story, there seems to be so many women who feel like we don’t measure up. That we are not enough. Especially with men. And when we believe it, it often comes true.
How about believing that you are absolutely enough? That like the people you love in your life, you are perfectly imperfect? When you do, you will be amazed at how your love and acceptance of yourself reflects back to you in spectacular ways…especially from the kind of man that you are looking for