At least half of all the emails I get from wonderful women who are over 40 and looking for love are about the same question you’ve probably been asking since you were a teenager: “Is he into me?”
Often the answer is: If you have to ask, he’s probably not.
The other common answer is: No way to know…give him time. So many of us think about the “Is he in to me?” situation way too soon. After the first date – especially if you were in to him – we’re wondering if he saw the same thing we did. You know…did he feel the Connection?
Most men are different than we are. (Big surprise, right?) They are pretty good staying in the information gathering stage until they see enough evidence that you might be The One. That doesn’t mean they don’t make decisions soon – they do. But the decision may be that he likes you and wants to see you again. Then he can stop there.
What do we do? We decide we like him but then might start listing all the things that are so great about him and might make him a great boyfriend or husband. We replay the date in our heads. We second guess ourselves. Then we make the jump to trying to figure out what he thought and was going to do next.
Rumination is a female art. It’s kinda how our brains work. So when you start going down the rabbit hole, hold tight and try to stay in discovery mode. Keep gathering information. It may turn out you don’t even care if he’s in to you.
Here’s the good news: when he IS in to you, you will know it. This is especially true of men dating over 40. Real grownup men don’t play games. When they are in; they are in.
So…you want to know Is He Into Me? Here’s how:
1) He keeps showing up.
He calls, texts, emails, and keeps asking you out. He is on time or he calls if he’s a little late. He makes some plans in advance. All good signs! Remember though, he has a life (and you want him to, don’t you?). At the beginning, give him a little time between contacts if he needs it. But once he has you on his “maybe she’s a keeper” radar, he will make it very clear he wants to spend as much time with you as possible.
2) He tries to make you happy.
He is thoughtful about your dates, planning something he thinks you will like. Or he is sure to ask you where you want to go. (When he does, thank him and suggest something you love that’s maybe out of the norm. Roller skating? Museum and lunch?) He is nice to your dog, your family and your friends. He compliments you, he makes sure are warm enough and your car is safe. These seem like small things, but they aren’t. These are very meaningful things men do to let you know they care about you. Pay attention, look for these signs and accept them graciously! Then watch him. He will stand straighter and his eyes will light up. He’ll feel proud that he pleased you, and thrilled that you noticed and appreciated his efforts.
3) He tries to impress you.
This part can be annoying if you don’t understand it. You may think his showing off is bit arrogant, self-absorbed and/or silly. And maybe he is that jerky guy. But it’s more likely that this is his way to show you he is interested in you. Like it or not, it pays to understand this and be open minded when a man you meet is fanning his feathers for you. (Think male peacock.) Men don’t generally try to impress women they don’t care about, so it’s almost a sure thing he’s into you. He wants you to notice and like him. So stop, let him have his moment and, for goodness sake, fight the urge to compete with him, sister! Just pay attention with an open mind and heart. You may be pleasantly surprised! And, again, another good sign.
4) He shares with you.
When you are together or talking on the phone he is present, happy and interested – most of the time anyway. (A bad day at work can make anyone grumpy or distracted. Don’t be too sensitive.) He asks you how your day was and asks for your opinion. He remembers the name of the person in your office you can’t stand, knows what music you like and checks in with how your aging grandmother is doing. He tells you about his day, his plans and, in general, what he’s thinking. (Sharing what he’s feeling may take some time. He’s a man!)
Hey, men are pretty darn simple.
When grownup men care about you, they show it. When a grownup man is courting you, you know it. There won’t be any mystery to keep you up nights. No secret code in his emails to decipher. No having to read between the lines when you talk. No going over and over what he really meant.
When he is interested, you will not have to ask “is he into me?’ You will know.
If you think you might be in to him, I suggest you simply stay available, accepting and conscious of his actions. Remember, he’s a man and may do things differently than you expect. Look for the man-clues here rather than whether he does very specific things you imagine a man SHOULD do.
The flip side is also simple. When he stops doing these things, he is not into you. Period. It takes two to tango and if he’s not showing up, trying to make you happy, etc. then dance ain’t happening. Sorry.
I want to hear your thoughts! How do you see these clues helping you as you date? Have you seen men showing up like this? How did it feel?