Mega Dating Myth #2- Men Are Turned Off By Powerful, Smart Women
I just got off the phone with a coaching client who told me she has met three men over the last two weeks (on eHarmony) and they all asked her out for another date. Score! She said that all are “very nice, with some of the good qualities” she’s looking for. She feels lucky, she said, to have met such nice guys within only a few weeks of starting our coaching program. (This is especially sweet since she started her coaching program believing that there were no available men, and feeling unable to attract men even if there were.)
So then she tells me that she doesn’t want to go out with any of them ever again. One is too skinny, one is too short, and the other is too quiet.
Geez, really? Do you think she read my Myth Buster #1: There Are No Quality Men? Yah, I’m thinking not.
How about you? Have you taken time to consider the questions I posed or to do any of the action steps? If so, are you feeling any changes or shifts? You may not have met some nice men just yet, but hopefully you’re feeling a bit more in touch with what you need from a man, what you can realistically expect (especially upon first meeting him), and how you can show more kindness to them, and to yourself.
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Now, on to Dating Myth Buster #2: Men Are Turned Off By Powerful, Smart Women.
Listen, I am the former CEO of the “men just don’t like smart women” club. For about 30 years I was absolutely sure that I never got second dates because men were shallow, superficial beasts looking only for hot bombshells who wouldn’t challenge them.
I was SURE that every man (or at least 98% of them) just wanted some hot chick who looked great, told them how great they were, and gave them great sex. I considered it a fact that men couldn’t – or didn’t want to – handle a woman like me who directed my own life, required meaningful discussion, had my own opinions, and insisted on being respected.
Men were lazy. They were superficial. They were only interested in the visual. They were… they were…they were.
I believed this story for a very long time. After all…this must have been the reason so many men rejected the Fabulous Me, right?
For years and years, every time I walked out the door to yet another first date, I went with the conviction that he probably wouldn’t like me.
And wouldn’t you know…I was most always right! I had more First Dates than Macy’s has sales.
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After spending time with my brilliant (yet sadistic) therapist, working with a coach, reading, etc…here’s the TRUTH that I finally learned: I was so afraid of rejection, so unsure of myself (only with men, btw), and so stuck in my past, that the I’m Too Smart For Those Men mantra was merely protection from myself.
Like Myth #1, there are no good men out there, believing this was just one more story I told myself so I had permission to Stay Single and Stay the Same. I could blame MEN, and have no responsibility for my own frustration and unhappiness.
Sound familiar at all?
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Now sure…there IS some truth to this. Some men are turned off by powerful, smart women. It’s generally true when:
- he’s not a powerful, smart man, or
- that’s all he knows about you.
Sorry girlfriend…this is still all about you. Isn’t that great? Means you can change it. Let’s break it down.
** He’s not a powerful, smart man.
You can imagine that a man who feels neither powerful nor smart would be intimidated – even turned off – by a woman who is. Shouldn’t matter though; he’s not the guy you want anyway.
So tell me: are you choosing men who are powerful and smart? Are they grounded and directed? Are they quietly confident; able to admire and be proud of you without feeling less-than? Do they have depth of character, knowledge, and meaningful beliefs guiding their thoughts and actions?
Or are they HOT? Do they make you tingle? Seriously, ask yourself: are you initially choosing men based on “chemistry” or are you choosing based on how they might enhance your life and whether they are trying to please you and make you happy?
Now before you get all crazy on me…yes…you CAN have it all! I have it all. I know tons of women who do.
But so often our Picker gets derailed when we meet a man with whom we have that dang stomach-fluttering-thing going on. Because that attracts us, reels us in, and we’re done for. All other incoming data is trumped and rendered invisible. Even the data that tells us that our minds and life desires just don’t connect. No matter…there’s chemistry, right?
If you’re finding yourself attracted to men who aren’t delighted by your brilliance and strength…ask yourself: does he have it going on? Can he keep up with me and is he capable of valuing and enjoying those qualities in me? Remember, he doesn’t have to be a Mensa member; he just has to be smart enough to know how lucky he is to have a gal who could be.
I think you get the idea. Maybe your picker needs a little recalibrating. Just saying.
** It’s ALL he knows about you.
You’re a smart, powerful, independent women. I get it. You have no doubt overcome some great obstacles in your life, accomplished a lot, and done a pretty good job of taking care of yourself. I admire the hell out of you.
And believe it or not, there are millions of men who admire that too.
But women like you – women like us – have some unique challenges when it comes to dating and creating a true connection with men. To name just a few:
- We’ve experienced disrespect in business and have been fighting to be “seen and heard” for so long; sometimes we can’t stop fighting.
- We’re used to making our own decisions and we don’t want to give up control of our lives.
- We’ve created a good life that we enjoy, and we don’t want to be forced to compromise or change it.
- We hold on to our experience when we were younger – when men (aka boys) really didn’t want us to be smart or powerful – and it’s still informing our perception.
- We are afraid of the idea of relying on someone, especially if it’s a man!
Thing is…we just can’t LEAD with this. Good men want us to be smart and powerful, but first they want us to be WOMEN. The truth is that men are attracted (initially) to our feminine traits. It’s how it is ladies…it’s nature.
For so many years I thought the first thing I wanted men to know about me was how smart I was. After all…if they didn’t want a smart, independent woman I needed to know that right up front so I didn’t waste my time. And I certainly wasn’t going to dumb-down for any man!!
So…that’s what I showed about myself in the first 10 minutes of every date. I’m tough, I’ve created a great life for myself, I’m an accomplished business woman…blah, blah, blah.
That was all true. But the rest of the truth was that I was a bit lonely, I was sometimes unsure of myself, often times I wished I had a partner to help me in my life, and I was always scared of being alone forever.
I finally realized that I could show ALL of me to men. Not only did they honor the gentle, sometimes unsure side of me, but they were attracted to it. It didn’t lower their esteem for me. And once they saw that…they were ready to see my brilliance.
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I wrote a series of articles on this topic and, if you are serious about wanting to find love with a good man, you will read it. Here is an excerpt:
Being feminine doesn’t mean you can’t also be brilliant, opinionated, and self-sufficient. It’s all part of an amazing package. (Which you already have, if you just let it all out.)
Unless you embrace your femininity – and this is probably the hardest thing for smart and accomplished women to do – you won’t attract a (grown-up) masculine man. Have fun being a girl. Be flirty, ask him to carry your bags, even ask for his advice. (I can’t tell you enough times how important it is to let a man do things for you!) And then, go off and kick ass at work, debate him about politics, and insist that you pick the next place to vacation. You can do it all.
If you haven’t read Marianne Williamson’s book A Woman’s Worth, put it on your list. You may not agree with all she says, but I promise it will open up your heart and make you happier with men. I believe in what she says: “In intimate relations with men, I want to major in feminine and minor in masculine.” Notice she didn’t say give up the masculine. Just soften it. Consider also that Ms. Williamson is an incredibly powerful and successful woman. This seems to have worked pretty well for her.
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Now, do you still think that all men are turned off by your smarts? Here’s some work to help you further break through this barrier:
Ask yourself and reflect:
- On what basis do I choose men?
- What men have I met that DO value my intelligence? Look at your co-workers, family, and friends. Is it true that ALL men want dumb women?
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What you believe is your truth.
If you need help letting go, find support. Talk to friends,
a counselor, or a coach.
Let me know how this goes for you and how you feel
when you complete it.
Next is Myth #3: I will eventually find a spectacular man who accepts me for who I am.
With love and support,
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