Why You Should Open Yourself Up to Love (You’re One Heck of a Fantastic Woman)

What Men Say About Women (It May Surprise You!)

What if you could hear men honestly share their thoughts and feelings about women, dating, sex and relationships? I had the opportunity to do that twice last week when I hosted and observed “man panels.”

If you’ve never been fortunate to hear a man panel, it works like this: we gather men — both single and married — and a facilitator asks them questions previously submitted by the participating women. The women listen as the men give their answers, yet they are not allowed to interact. By silently listening we create space for the men to speak freely and without restriction. You would be amazed at what men will share when allowed to do so!

The men who participate need only meet these qualifications: they must appreciate women and be able to articulate their truth. They are not coached, and they are not pre-screened to determine how they might answer the questions. I’ve attended numerous panels over the years, and the men seem to answer the questions just about the same way every time. The consistency used to surprise me. Now it just reinforces what I already know: that men are loving and kind and have an endless desire to make women happy.

I wanted to share some of what I heard. Below are a few of the questions asked and the men’s answers. These are “from the horse’s mouth,” so it’s truth. I didn’t make up this stuff. (It’s not verbatim but close to it.)

Enjoy, and let me know how you feel after reading this.

Q: If you can tell women one thing you think they don’t know, what would it be?

A1: I want you to feel happy…I want to help you be happy.

A2: You often think that if you have to tell me what you want and I give it to you…it doesn’t count. If you tell us what you want, we’re more than happy to give it to you 99% of the time! This goes into the bedroom and everything. But just because you have to tell us doesn’t mean we don’t deserve the credit for doing it.

A3: Dating at this time of our life should be enjoyable. Everyone just likes to have fun. We often look for what’s wrong when we should be looking for what works and just enjoy each other. It’s about two people meeting. And if it works…that’s great!

Q: What turns you on about a woman/what do you get from women?

A1: A smile. Any smile. From any woman. When women smile at me, it makes me giddy – even though I’m 42 years old. It doesn’t matter who she is. Women usually don’t even look at us, so when she does it feels good.

A2: A woman who knows what she wants and knows how to get it. That’s confidence, and it’s a turn on.

A3: When she is just being herself.

A4. Women bring empathy, love, tenderness and warmth. I love that about them.

A5. It’s non-competitive like it is with men. Men and women can talk about relationships. Men don’t talk about relationships. We only talk about what we’re doing.

A6. Women are just beautiful creatures. They are so different from us, and they are so beautiful.

Q: Do you want us to ask you out?

A1: Yes, help me! If a woman asks me out, I think “Wow, I’m that good!”

A2: Approach us and make it clear you are interested. It’s fantastic when I know you’ll say “yes”…but let me take lead and ask.

A3: Maybe I haven’t even noticed you. So if you’re interested in me, definitely let me know you’re interested. I realize that’s a potentially vulnerable place to be, but if you don’t ask you don’t get! (Note from me: my father always used to tell me that. Seems to be true in many ways.)

Q: What do you want from your woman?

A1: I want her to be like my mom: I want my woman to love me unconditionally and always think I’m better than even I think I am.

A2: Love…and acceptance for who I am.

—————–

That’s just a taste. Men really aren’t different than us in the ways of love, are they? They want to give and receive…and be accepted for who they are. Men definitely do think differently, but that doesn’t mean they want different things. Once you accept that, take some time to understand how they think and feel, and learn how to communicate with them. You too can have a fantastic relationship with a loving man.

I’m so curious…how did you feel reading this? Tell me about it here!

How to Decide When to Have Sex

The ladies in my Master the Mystery of Meeting Men telecourse have been talking about S-E-X. When is it okay to have it? How do you decide? This is such an important conversation! You may think “I’m not even dating yet…who cares!” But the decision may be closer than you think, and I want you to be prepared. Sex can be a glorious part of a relationship. But for women, it can also wreak havoc on your emotional state. Having sex too soon can also mess up an otherwise budding relationship.

Getting this right is about clearly defining the boundary and behavior you will follow under all circumstances. This is key to maintaining your dignity and confidence, not falling for the wrong guy and keeping safe. Here’s some advice:

1. Know what you want and keep your eyes on the prize

Are you looking for frolic with a great orgasm or for a loving, decent man to spend your life with? Figure it out and always head toward that goal. (Just like you do in the other aspects of your life.) And be sure you’re not headed there alone. Before you sleep with him, have “that talk.” What are his intentions and relationship goals? How does he feel about you? Is he willing to give what you need? Don’t guess these, ladies; you have to have the talk.

2. Don’t drink.

There’s a lot of emotion and body chemistry flying around when man meets woman. Do everything you can to keep your wits about you. Alcohol is actually a stimulant and doesn’t make you more charming. (Except to another drunk person.) If you must, savor one nice glass of wine. But until you decide it’s a good time to be intimate, lay off the booze.

3. Answer the question “Is he just hot or is he a hubby?”

If you’re looking for your husband or life companion, you have to approach dating with as much maturity and objectivity as you can muster. Muster it, girlfriend, and decide if he’s just charming and makes you tingle or if he has real depth and relationship potential. If he’s all tingle and no substance, I say slow the heck down or even run for the hills. If you have sex with this man, odds are you will fall for him…because that’s what we do. And then you’re hooked. I’d rather you wait and get hooked after you decide a man is good, kind and interested.

You can find my step-by-step “Merely Hot or Maybe Husband? step-by-step process in my newsletter: http://bit.ly/44zE68. (It’s the Featured Article.)

4. Follow the Dalai Lama.

In his book The Art of Happiness: A Handbook for Living, the Dalai Lama talks about pleasure versus happiness. His advice: always ask yourself “Will this bring me happiness?” I try to follow this in my life in general; it’s a powerful guide to making good decisions. It’s especially handy when you’re considering getting physical with a man. Stop and ask yourself: will this make me feel good AND make me happy? Because you know from your many experiences that something that feels good now will not necessarily bring you happiness. (You know what I’m talkin’ about.)

5.  If you can’t talk about it, don’t do it!

If you can’t sit down with him and have an adult conversation about safe sex and about your relationship…do NOT sleep with him! That’s all I need to say on this point.

I’m all for having fun and enjoying some amazing sexual intimacy. But if you’ve got love on your mind, follow these tips. I assure you that they will limit your disappointment and help you find the happiness you so deserve.

Remember…always be good to yourself and love yourself as much as I do!

Are You Expecting Men to Act Like Women?

My idea for today’s post came from a seminar I hosted last week called “Making Sense of Men.” It was co-led by a trainer for PAX Programs International,  which is in the business of educating women about men. If you haven’t familiarized yourself with PAX, which is the brilliant work of Alison Armstrong, I can’t recommend it enough. I attended my first course with them 10 years ago, and it was a life-changing experience.

Alison’s mission is helping men and women understand each other, which inevitably leads to deeper and richer relationships and creates peace between the sexes. It also eliminates the craziness that comes from trying to figure out what the heck the opposite sex is thinking and feeling and why they do what they do. (I know you’re familiar with that craziness, right?)

A key point in this understanding for women is this:

A man can not be like your girlfriend, just with different parts.

I can not stress the importance of this! Do you know why we are so often disappointed by men? Because we expect them to be behave based on how a women would act. It’s all we know.

We don’t leave room for men to be men. We consider how they think and feel, but it’s generally not based on any real knowledge; it’s based on how WE would think and feel.

One of the keys to finding a fabulous man to share your life is to commit to learning about men. When you do, you will find that, as Alison says, they are not wrong: they are just different. Men are so different from us, and once you “get them” you’ll see their magnificence and absolutely love, love LOVE them like I and so many women I work with do.

Here are a few simple examples of how our differences play out in dating. Did you know:

• When a man asks what you want to do on a date, it’s because he wants to be sure you enjoy yourself. We think it’s because he’s lazy or doesn’t care. Quite the opposite. It’s because he wants to please you, and the best way to do that is for him to have you pick your pleasure.
• When you offer to pay on a date — especially on the first — he assumes it’s because you don’t like him and don’t want to owe him anything. If you insist on pulling out your wallet, don’t be surprised if he doesn’t call you again.
• When a man you’ve been dating doesn’t call you for a few days or just dashes off a quick text, it may be that he’s simply busy. Can’t he just pick up a phone, you ask? Well, when men are working they are doing just that: working. Men are generally singularly focused. Women, though, can do 100 things at once. We can participate in a conference, notice we need a manicure, write a to-do list AND wonder what our boyfriend is doing — all at the same time. That would make many-a-man’s head explode.
• Asking some men how he feels about something could be like asking him about quantum physics. Processing feelings can be challenging for men unless they approach it via their intellect. Instead of asking how he feels…ask him what he thinks. Then listen. You’ll likely get to his feelings. (Most men’s feelings run very deep if we just know how to talk to them about it.)

Learning about these and the many other ways we perceive things differently will make your dating life way more fun and help you make better choices. All your relationships with the men in your life will improve. When you know how men think, you will be able to communicate in a way that nurtures and respects them and also gets you what you need in the relationship.

Larry and I have been together about six years and have never raised our voices or hurt each other with words. We have disagreed, but we always work it out so it’s a win-win. You can do this also!

Here are a couple PAX programs I highly recommend.*

Their Celebrating Men, Satisfying Women Workshop http://shrsl.com/?~1kgm will change your life. I took this two-day course and learned more about men than I had in the preceding 40 years. I saw women who walked in scared and mistrusting, and left feeling safe and looking forward to meeting men. And again, it helps you with all the men in your life.

In Sync With the Opposite Sex http://shrsl.com/?~1kwn is all about dating. It helps you understand how the most basic instincts of men and women pit us against each other in the world of dating and relationships. I think this is a must-have. If you need to, chip in with a girlfriend and listen together.

Making Sense of Men is a funny, information-packed text, with priceless insights into men, their motivations and their inspirations.

http://shrsl.com/?~1kwo

These, along with the work we are doing together, will help you get to your goal of finding that loving, special man to enhance your already great life. When you learn to understand men and celebrate our differences, you will see instant improvement in all of your relationships.

* I don’t often endorse products here but I feel SO strongly about these programs and know how much they can help you. I do receive a commission from any sales of these products but I trust you know that I would only recommend things that I 100% believe will help you in your search for love.

Why the Gracious Needy Gal Gets the Guy

Needy women attract good men.

“Low-maintenance” women attract jerks…or no men at all.  

Is this counter to what you’ve always thought? Did you think that the less you expected from a man, the more he’d like you? Well, consider this:

A Good Man – one who is confident, mature and relationship-minded – wants to give to a woman and make her happy. He needs to know that you need him and that he’s enhancing your already-great life.

A good man also wants to know that you respect and love yourself. He does not want to be completely responsible for your happiness. (That’s why I said he wants to “enhance” your life, not “be” your life.)

Now, say you’re the gal who doesn’t need anything (or at least doesn’t act like you do). Mr. Good Man will NOT pick you as a partner. He may sleep with you…but he won’t marry you. If you don’t leave room for him to be your hero, and you don’t show that you know you’re worthy of him, he will leave before you can say “Why didn’t he call?”

On the other hand, let’s say that you graciously receive his compliments and show enthusiastic appreciation for the big and little things he does for you. Maybe you occasionally ask for his advice and let him open the pickle jar. You also make and keep boundaries, expect him to keep his word, and expect to be treated special.

That, along with your kindness to him, tells Mr. Good Man that you’re relationship material. You’re able to welcome him into your life, and you’re confident in who you are, what you want, and how to get it.

Isn’t it funny? All this time we thought being low maintenance got the guy. Actually, that was in high school. Now, as a grownup woman looking to share her life with a grownup man, not expecting anything only gets the guy who doesn’t want to give you anything.

So here’s some homework to help you decide where you stand with this. Look back on previous relationships (short or long) and answer these questions:

• Were there any good guys who might have gotten away because you acted like you didn’t need him and/or didn’t seem to have any expectations of him?
• Are the men you’re attracting the Good Guys? Are they givers or are they takers?
• Do you know your boundaries, and do you stick to them?
• How well do you show him that you respect yourself? If a cute guy asks you out for Friday night on Friday morning, do you accept? When he doesn’t call or shows up late, do you tell him it’s okay because you don’t want to scare him away? (I think he gets one free pass on these, btw.) When he’s telling you he’s too busy to see you week after week, are you still hanging on?
• And…how is this working for you?

Key #4 to Finding Hope and Finding Him: Time to Get Out and Trail Blaze

This is the fourth in a series of articles sharing my 5 Keys to Finding Hope and Finding Him. The 5 Keys are:

M - Me and Me first.
A - Assess your list.
S - Shed your stuff.
T - Time to get out and Trail blaze.
R - Real women find their man.

This was the topic of my free telecall last week and of my telecourse: Mastering the Mystery of Meeting Men after 40.

I say you need to Trail Blaze because, as you know, he’s not comin’ knocking on your door. You have to make a plan and get out of your house. I’m going to be honest with you: this part can be what stops you in your tracks.

I can’t tell you how often I hear “there are no good men out there” from women who haven’t been anywhere to meet men in a very long time. Or they have such a crazy list they wouldn’t know the right man if they saw him. Or they’ve gone out twice, didn’t meet anyone and are ready to give up. It doesn’t work this way!

You know my company is called Date Like a Grownup. A big part of that is taking personal responsibility for your outcomes. This is absolutely one of the keys to finding someone – you have to do the work! Sometimes it takes fortitude and courage to overcome some seeming rejection or when you don’t meet someone right away; but trust me, it is SOOO worth it when you finally meet your man!

So, where do you meet men? Everywhere and anywhere. Seriously. At the bank, the local lunch joint during your lunch time, volunteering, salsa class…and of course, online. That’s where I met my husband (on http://www.match.com), so I’m a big proponent.

Even if you’re online, I want you to get out of your house and make connections. Instead of moving around your day like the walking dead, look at people and connect.

Here’s all you have to do starting tomorrow when you see a man by himself:

1. 1. Make eye contact, smile and say “hi.”
   Don’t turn away. I know you do that, especially if he’s good looking! When you can look him in the eye, it shows a wonderful, soft confidence. And remember, we talked about how attractive that is to relationship-minded men.

 

2. 2. Ask a simple question. No need to be brilliant.
   My brother once told me, “If women only knew how easy we are. All it takes is saying ‘hi’ and smiling, and you have our attention. We already like you.” You see, women don’t usually connect in any way with men they don’t know, which makes men appreciate it even more when it happens. And it’s not about picking up a guy. At worst, you’ve practiced, made a connection and made a man feel good about himself because you were friendly. At best you strike up a conversation and find out you have things you like about each other.

 

3. 3. Find something you like about him or what he shares and talk about it.
   Men like being flattered just as much as we do. You know how good it feels when someone takes interest in you, what you do and what you like. 

 

4. 4. Talk about yourself.
   It’s not enough just to listen; you have to let him know some fun or interesting things about you. How else will he gauge if he likes you or not? While men are visual, you may attract him with your confidence, your smile and your looks. But contrary to opinion, if he doesn’t see anything past that, he’s not going to ask for your number or a date. (Unless he is that shallow, in which case you don’t want him to call anyway.)

 

5. 5. Use body language – lean in, touch.
   Again, scary, I know. Just swipe his arm gently or brush against his hand. A great tip is to touch him when he’s talking about something he thinks is pleasant or special. He will associate your touch with that good feeling. (Cool, huh?)

This can be scary, I admit. But it works! And once you do it a few times, you’ll realize that it’s fun! Everyone who has done it – including me – ends up being friendlier overall in their lives. That always opens up possibilities…and isn’t that so much of what this is about?

So grab your courage, keep your eyes on the prize, and make a plan. Then it will be time to get out, be seen and connect!

Click here to read the next key.

Key #2 to Finding Hope and Finding Him: Assess Your List

This is the second in a series of articles sharing my 5 Keys to Finding Hope and Finding Him. The 5 Keys are:

M - Me and Me first.
A - Assess your list.
S - Shed your stuff.
T - Time to get out and Trail blaze.

R - Real women find their man.

This was the topic of my free telecall last week and of my upcoming 8-part telecourse starting October 17.

Most of you probably have a list of what you want in a man. It may not be on paper…but you have one. It usually includes things like:

✴               Honest

✴               Tall

✴               Funny

✴               Good looking

✴               Financially stable

When I was doing the work of shifting and learning so I could find my ideal mate, I realized these were just a bunch of adjectives. They didn’t give me any real help in visualizing the experience of the man who would truly make me happy…forever.

So I did it differently, and it led me to my perfect partner. Now when I do this step with my coaching clients, I have you do it the same way. We dig deeper, and I ask you to start thinking about the man and the relationship that will fulfill you and make you happy – not just for a night or a few months, but for a lifetime.

Being a good date and being a good life partner can be very, very different. Many of us, me included, tend to pick based on whether he’s a good date. That has nothing to do with whether he’ll be a good husband.

I know…you deserve to be picky, right? But picky isn’t a good thing and doesn’t tend to serve us well. There is another way to look at how you make your choices.

Christie Hartman, PhD, the author of It’s Not Him, It’s You, makes a brilliant distinction between being picky and being discriminating.  Picky, she says, is being fussy. It’s when you require close attention to all details, reveal a sometimes-extreme concern for niceties, and are choosy or fastidiously selective.

On the other hand, discriminating is when you mark or perceive the distinguishing or peculiar features of something; distinguish or differentiate: make a distinction; use good judgment.

See the difference?

One of my telecourse clients once did this exercise like this:

I am picky when I eliminate someone because of how he looks (short/worn clothing) or when he acts a little shy. I am discriminating when I eliminate someone because he lives in his mother’s garage, asks to move in with me on a first date, has little education or hates to touch.

Here is part of the exercise I did for myself and do when I am coaching. It’s my unique way of digging in and getting to what will make you happy in the long run:

• Start with how you want to feeeel.
• Translate that to a quality and behavior.

As an example: We all have “tall” on our list, right? Most women do, and they consider it a must-have. But why? Why do you want him to be tall? How does it make you feel when you’re with a tall guy? Do you feel attractive? Feminine? Safe?

Now I ask: Is that the only quality a man can have that makes you feel that way? What if he’s of incredibly strong character, confident, treats you like gold, is always interested in making you happy, finds you incredibly beautiful and sexy…would he also have to be tall?

Does that open your mind at all? Do you see how starting with how you want to feel creates some different views of the man you’re looking for?

If you’re looking for the man who’s going to share your life and stay with you through thick and thin, he needs to be more than a good date! The truth is that you need to see his character and behavior to know if he’ll be a good partner for you. A simple list doesn’t do that for you.

And here’s an important note: there really is no such thing as perfect, ladies. If I had gotten my fantasy, Larry would be rich and a few inches taller. If he got his, I would be rich and many pounds lighter.

But we both had clarity about what was really going to make us happy in our lives. We saw that the other had those qualities, and we picked each other for life. We absolutely love each other and our life together.

Lori Gottlieb, the author of Marry Him: the Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough,  got it right when she said:

I discovered that finding a guy to get real was the real love story.

Figuring out Who is He and Getting Past your current list is Key #2. What do you truly need to feel happy, safe and loved the rest of your life? Get that clarity and see how you start becoming a much better man-picker and man-attractor.

Click here to read the next key.

Good Communication is Key

Men and women are more alike than we tend to think. We all want to be loved, to be understood and to feel safe in our most precious relationships. There are, though, some clear differences in how we hear, listen and process information.

I saw this cartoon and it reminded me of two ways men and women can improve our communication:

Men can let us know when they are checking out. I know they have to do it sometime, but it would be nice if they could tell us it’s coming. If you (think you) see your man going cave bound, give him the space and time he needs and — this is important: don’t assume it’s about you.  If, while cave bound, he figures out there is something he wants from you, he will let you know when he comes out.

Women can cut the attitude and tell men (kindly) what will make you happy. And if you won’t tell him, don’t blame him for getting it wrong, sister.

Just some thoughts. What are yours?

Reprinted from New Yorker magazine

Four Reasons Why You May Be Chronically Single

If you are a woman over 40, single and looking for love, I think I know your story. It goes something like this:

You’ve been single longer than planned. The men you meet – when you actually get to meet someone – are boring, oafs or just plain wrong. You never feel that spark, and you need that spark.

You have created a great life for yourself and you’re a good catch. Your friends and family tell you that you’re too picky, but you absolutely will not settle. If Mr. I Love You comes along, that will be great, but if he doesn’t you figure you’ll be just fine without him.

If this sounds like you, welcome to the ranks of the chronically single, girlfriend. Please don’t think for a minute that I’m judging you. I dated for 30 years and know this story intimately. I was the Queen of singledom; waiting for Mr. I Love You to show up, see the real me and know I was the one for him. I spent thousands of nights waiting for this guy.

I waited until I finally admitted that I wasn’t okay if he didn’t come along. I wanted to share my life with a man. I wanted it so much that I finally admitted that it was ME creating my dismal results. I became willing to make changes in the way I dated and chose men, and I was ready to brave the potential pain. It was worth it.

I opened my mind and heart, learned more about my self-imposed limitations and met and married my very special husband at age 47.

It’s now my passion and my livelihood to help fabulous women like you break out of this cycle so you can start dating good men and find lasting love. Check out these four reasons you may be chronically single. I hope at least one of them creates an aha moment for you and moves catapults you further  toward meeting your loving life partner.

1. You are stuck in your old stuff.

If you are 40, 50 or beyond you have collected a ton of data about yourself, men and dating over the years. How much of what you “know” originated from your intellect and experience, and how much was handed to you by Johnny in 11^th grade, Cosmo magazine, your mother and your exes?

When was the last time you allowed yourself to celebrate who you are and ponder what and who will bring you happiness? If you haven’t done this recently, I suggest you get to it. The thoughts and feelings you are carrying around are directly affecting every action, opinion and decision as you date and mate. My guess is that there are some layers of old gunk that can be cleared away so you can make room for some newer shiny stuff.

2. The guy you want doesn’t exist.

If you’re 50 and still looking for Mr. Right, chances are that the man you want doesn’t exist or the men you’ve been choosing aren’t the ones who can make you happy. Let’s start with “looking for Mr. Perfect.”

All women have a list. Our lists have the adjectives, activities, behaviors and beliefs we are looking for in a man. Don’t get me wrong, it’s important to be clear on what you want in a partner. But reality should play some part of this if you truly want to find a partner. (As opposed to just talk about it.)

If your a man has flat abs, is over 6 foot, makes you laugh, loves to cook, has an executive job, likes to travel, loves your Mother and your cat…you will probably be reading articles like this for a very long time. This guy represents an infinitesimal percentage of the population of the world. Add in that you also want him to be mature, stable and grounded…that guy probably needs to be well over 40. Look for him all you want but this guy just doesn’t exist.

3. You’re looking for a hot guy; not a husband.

If you’re still going after hotness and charisma above all, if you’re running for the hills when you don’t have that instant chemistry, I have one thing to say (a la Dr. Phil): How’s that working for ya so far?

Before you get all mad, I agree that the man you connect with has to be attractive to you. But if you’re looking for that guy we talked about above, not only doesn’t he exist, but I suspect not one of those characteristics have anything to do with him being a good life partner.

If you’re looking for someone to spend 20+ happy years with – I recommend you look a heck of a lot deeper. Maybe you’ll see the endless stream of good men out there waiting for the opportunity to be a wonderful partner to a good woman.

4. You don’t know men well enough.

Here is an exercise: Finish the sentence “Men are…” Write as many ends to that sentence as you can. Then…step back and ask yourself two questions:

-       On a scale of 1-10, how well do I know how men think and feel in a romantic context? (1=clueless; 10=I could be a freaking man.) Knowing your Father or the men at work doesn’t garner many points here. Men, like women, can be extremely different in the two situations. If your score is low, perhaps you’re not connecting because you  don’t understand men. And if you don’t, how can you appreciate them or show them any compassion?

-       Is this true? Are each of these beliefs based on a actual adult experience? Often our attitudes and beliefs come from something that happened or was told to us when we were teenagers. Single experiences, especially ones that are emotionally painful, can create a “truth” about all men. Maybe you can’t even trace the source of your belief, but you’ve believed it forever and never given men a chance to prove otherwise?

Let me hear from you! Do any of these resonate or apply to you? What’s your story?

Men are People Too

I have sympathy for men. When it comes to dating, they have it really hard. Do you already know this? I think having compassion for the men you meet is an important part of dating like a grownup. I promise that if you subscribe to this belief, your dates will be wayyyy more relaxing, fun and interesting.

I know…men can suck. They can be superficial jerks, emotionally limited, users, slobs….I could go on. But the truth is that the vast majority of the men you’re going to meet are just nice guys looking for a nice woman. (Yes, it’s really that simple.)

So, assuming we’re talking about the nice guys here (as is always the case when I talk about grownup men), keep in mind that they have feelings, fears and disappointments just like you. And if you think you’ve been rejected, consider them: for each time we are told “no,” men hear it 50-100 times. Think about it: from the time they were teenagers, they have been required to ask first. Ouch.

Now, hop on over and read this from a man’s perspective. Marcus, my new bud from StraightMaleFriend.com, has written a great article about this titled “Who’s Got It As Hard As Women? MEN!” Check it out, and while you’re there look around the site. These guys are fantastic, and it is SO worth reading to get their point of view. (Note: To find this article click on Recent Articles from the home page.)

Then…go out there this weekend and find some nice men to talk to. Ask them their opinion on this topic.  But please remember that it’s not about who has it harder, just that both men and women have challenges when it comes to dating and relationships.

And PS: Don’t bother writing me with any man-hating. I always get an email from someone (and you know who you are!) telling me how I’m a “chauvinist” who tells women to be nice to men when men get to be assholes. That’s not what I’m saying, and I’ve never ever said any such thing. So don’t waste your time. Instead, I strongly suggest you actually read what I write and try not to filter it through your intense fear and hatred. That’s not protecting you from anything; quite the opposite, in fact. Life is way too short and too damn good when you finally find that spectacular, loving man. Get on with it.

One Thing That Makes Anthony a Little Less of a Weiner

Have you heard about Weinergate? Just in case you haven’t, it goes like this:

Congressman Anthony Weiner, after denying it for days, got caught quite literally with his pants down. (Yeah, I know I’m not the first to use that. But it works.) Apparently The Weiner has been acting like a horny 16 year old, sexting endlessly to women he doesn’t even know. (Nor, as I keep hearing reported, did he know their ages. Uh-oh.)

Once known as one of New York’s most eligible bachelors, Weiner is now married to a highly accomplished, brilliant and beautiful woman. (I’m going to show her respect by not mentioning her name; this isn’t about her.) Here is what Hillary Clinton, her former employer, said about “Ms. Weiner”: “She is timeless. Her combination of poise, kindness, and intelligence are matchless.”

Doesn’t this just piss you off?? Tony-boy is now the man we love to hate—and rightly so. Do I think he’s a cheater? Hell yeah, I do! I feel betrayed beyond belief, and he doesn’t sleep in my bed every night.

Mr. Weiner didn’t just betray his wife and family. A la Bill Clinton, his unconstrained lust and damn silliness betray tens of millions of Americans who were counting on him to help improve their lives. He may be unelectable now, which royally screws them. (And without getting kissed, as my dad would say).

Way to go, Weiner. Hope those lonely orgasms were worth it.

So…you’re probably wondering what the heck I can find that makes him less dick-ish. Here it is: he didn’t have his wife standing there with him. There is only one thing that ticks me off more than a lyin’ cheater who breaks solemn oaths: one who has the audacity to have his “victim” stand by his side as he spouts his mea culpas and tries to save his ass.

Larry Craig, Elliot Spitzer, Kobe Bryant, Jon Corzine, John Ensign… they all had their dutiful wives next to them as if to make the point that “it really wasn’t that bad” or that maybe she bears some part of the responsibility. Bullcrap. It was that bad and it was all about him.

I know what you’re thinking: the wives should be embarrassed and looked down upon for agreeing to stand there. I agree to some extent. But as a woman who is madly in love with her husband, what would I do were I suddenly hit between the eyes with this, and with the whole world watching? I honestly don’t know.

Just like The Weiner did, regardless of what the guy’s wife is willing to do, these men should stand in front of the cameras, accept responsibility and take the consequences. Alone. Like a Man.

Open Your Mind: Your Ideal Man Isn’t Who You Think He Is

I’m going on vacation and haven’t packed a thing. So I’m re-posting this popular article about keeping an open mind and being realistic when you date. If I didn’t follow this advice five years ago, I’d be where you are: reading someone else’s blog to learn how to find a good guy. Happy reading. Let me know what you think.
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A common theme among women is why so many of us fall for The Wrong Guy. Wrong comes in many forms: he treats you like crap, he won’t make a commitment, he refuses to make shifts or adjustments; or he just doesn’t have the qualities you’re looking for in a lifetime mate. Yet even in our 40s, 50s, and even 60s, we can pick these guys…and then stick to them like glue.

I blame chemistry. Yup. That’s what attracts us, and reels us in. We tend to take it very seriously. So seriously that it often trumps all other data. It’s like once you decide he’s hot and possibly The One, all contrary evidence is invisible or seems irrelevant. Out the window it goes.

Look: if you want to just have sex, go for the hot men. But if you want to be adored, challenged, trusted, loved, and humored…learn how to think past that superficiality to find the real good guys. Sure…you want to be attracted to him. But  to make the good choices you have to find out what’s past their looks and get past the idea that you have to feel all giddy when you meet him.

I know we all love George Clooney – who doesn’t? But what other celebrity men float your boat? I sometimes ask that question when I start helping a new fabulous woman learn how to better enjoy her dating experience. I ask because it helps me understand her “type.” (At least the type she thinks she wants when we first begin coaching.)

So I asked Stephanie that question. Her answer: Kevin James and Jon Stewart. She loves these guys and thinks they’re hot!

Fast forward a couple weeks and we’re working on helping her be open to new types of men; at least giving them a chance. She tends to judge quite quickly when she meets someone new. (Do you?) That tells me it’s mostly a judgment on physical attributes. You may call it chemistry, I call it looks.

So then it occurs to me: Kevin James and John Stewart are the answer! Let’s face it; those guys couldn’t even shine George’s shoes in the looks department.

So I ask: If Kevin James approached you in the grocery store and tried to strike up a conversation, would you be open and encouraging or would you stay focused on picking your apples?

We all know the answer: Wow! Look at those luscious apples!!

It would go something like this: he speaks a few words to you – he’s obviously trying to connect; you decide “you’re not attracted” to him; you continue to bag your apples; he shrugs and away he goes. (Feeling crappy by the way, thank you very much.) You’ve just lost the chance of a lifetime girlfriend. The man you’ve been dreaming of is gone forever.

I’m quite sure that things like humor, integrity, and intelligence are in the list of character traits you’re looking for in a mate. (If you haven’t created or updated your list lately, I highly recommend it.) Now seriously…you’re going to know in a span of a few minutes if a man has those traits…how?

I get that attraction is very important. But it can and does grow as you get to know people. It’s just a fact. So next time you’ve got that man in front of you (or his picture) and you’ve decided you’re not attracted…can you puleeeeze just stop and reconsider?

Stay open, be kind and compassionate…and get a glimpse of his personality and character. Be a grown-up. If you do, maybe you’ll just meet your Kevin James.

A couple p.s.’s:

1. I didn’t have much interest in my husband’s appearance when I saw him on match.com. (Sorry honey.) And he said his fave pastime was sailing. I puke on boats. I only met him because he lived in my neighborhood  and it was easy. I assure you he’s the most gorgeous man alive. And that Dramamine works.

2. Here’s a good article about how women judge humor in men. It does trump looks if you give it a chance.

http://www.askmen.com/dating/heidi_250/297_the-funny-factor.html

Gotta go. Be good to yourself.