Horrible Dates in the Holiday Season: Here’s Why

I’ve had several clients tell me recently that they feel like they’re “stalling out” when it comes to dating and relationships. They are hearing a lot of “I’ll call you” and never getting a call.  Their inbox is unusually quiet. Some are dating a special someone and thought things were moving right along, and now he seems to be slamming on the breaks.

I definitely remember all this from my many single years, and it was always especially so during the holidays. (New Year’s was the worst for me; I really hated not having someone to kiss at midnight.)

This time of year can be unsteady or confusing when you’re single. Want to know what gives?

I wrote on article for the fantastic site GalTime.com on just that topic. Click here to read it. It’s a must-read, if I do say so myself!

And happy holidays!!!

Key #1 to Finding Hope and Finding Him: Me First

This is the first in a series of articles sharing my 5 Keys to Finding Hope and Finding Him.

The 5 Keys are:

M - Me and Me first.

A - Assess your list.

S - Shed your stuff.

T - Time to get out and Trail blaze.

R - Real women find their man.

This was the topic of my free telecall this week and of my upcoming 8-part telecourse starting October 17.

A single man I know once said, “If a woman doesn’t seem to love herself, why should I love her?”

That makes sense. Keep in mind that:
•    The way you treat yourself is how others will treat you.
•    What you expect from people is what you will receive.

This is especially true of how men look at women. When asked what qualities most attract them to women as partners (not just playmates), most men place confidence on the top of the list.

If you’re going to make positive changes in the way you date and relate to men, your starting point is with you.

I want to be really clear: This isn’t about remaking yourself or figuring out all the things you’re doing wrong. It’s somewhat the opposite of that. It’s about falling in love with yourself. This means appreciating yourself, showing yourself some kindness (like you do to everyone else), and being willing to do some honest self-reflection.

To help you, I want to share an exercise I guide my coaching and telecourse clients though to help them get better acquainted with themselves. It’s my “Who Am I” exercise.  I can’t give you all the steps in this short time, but here is the first:

Ask yourself: What do I love about myself? That’s it!

Ask that out loud and then check in with yourself: How does it make you feel to even ask that question? Do you feel uncomfortable or selfish even thinking about describing what you love about yourself? If so, you’re not alone. This is difficult for most women. After squirming a bit, they may come up with a few standard things and then run into a brink wall. I often support women through several rounds of this exercise before they really get it. And when they do, it’s glorious.

Most of us have been trained to some degree that thinking of ourselves in this way is conceited or unladylike. It’s something the vast majority of us have never done except maybe in the context of a job application. (And those are all of our masculine qualities.) Most women have never even attempted to take a good look at themselves this way.

Well…it’s time you do. When you are in touch with you fabulousness – when you can actually articulate what it is that makes you a good friend, good mother, good daughter and good partner – it allows you to believe that it’s real. And that belief – that you are deserving – is essential to being able to date with courage and confidence, maintain your self-esteem and, ultimately, make choices that are good for you and will truly make you happy.

Here is an important tip: It doesn’t have to be that you can cure cancer, that you’re a CEO or that you can speak five languages. Attributes like being a good friend, being loyal, being able to gracefully handle life’s ups and downs, raising happy children…these are all things to absolutely love about yourself.

Think about what you want in a man: Loving kindness, commitment, humor, intelligence. Those are probably things you possess in some form, right? These things count BIG TIME!

Start by asking yourself the question, and then continue to explore what you love about yourself by asking friends and family.

If you want to attract a special man into your life – one who is kind, respectful, loving and affectionate – you have to start with yourself.

And if you want to know how this actually works, here’s a letter I got from Debbie, one of my 1-1 coaching clients. She’s 53, and here’s what she said:

I truly believe I’m in love for the very first time. I guess you were right – I was ready for a great guy in my life.  I even told him this morning that I wouldn’t have been ready for him right now if I hadn’t done the work necessary to figure out who I was and what I truly deserved. I have discussed you with him and he is so supportive.  He has done some work on himself over the years so appreciates that I have worked on the things necessary to be in a great relationship and recognize it.  Who would have thought? Haha!

This is YOUR time, and here’s where you start. The #1 Step – the thing you must accomplish – is M for Me First: Falling in Love with Yourself. When you can approach men with confidence and know that you’re deserving, that’s what attracts the kind, mature and relationship-minded men.

Click here to read the next key.

Is Something Surprisingly Simple Keeping You From Finding Him?

I learned something this week that completely rocked my world: when you apply eyeliner, you should start from the inside of your lid, not the outside.

Did you know that? I’m 52 years old, and for my entire life I’ve been doing it wrong. No wonder it was always a struggle! I was never able to create that smooth line I saw on other women. Over the years I spent hundreds of dollars on varying brands and tried using Q-tips and other devices; but despite my constant efforts, it never worked. I was always starting from the outside.

Now that I know this incredibly simple fact, and after a little practice, my eyes are looking gorgeous and I feel pretty proud of myself.

This experience, like so many things in my life, reminded me of dating.

When I was single and dating, I was always trying so damn hard to find love, but nothing ever worked out. Looking back, I can see that I was trying, but I was repeatedly doing it wrong.

In my 40s, I finally got that. I saw other women with good guys, so I knew it was doable. If I was going to do it, though, I admitted that I had to do it in a significantly different way.

I opened my mind and my heart, and I learned some juicy stuff from a bunch of smart people. I also learned a lot from myself. Some information was hard to absorb and put into practice, but a lot of it was surprisingly simple.

Every time I grasped one of those simple nuggets, it became easier. I began shifting the way I looked at myself and men. I started to have more fun. I had more dates and more second dates. I eventually met and married my husband, the most magnificent man I’ve ever known.

Like my eyeliner, once I learned some simple facts and got some practice, the line started going on smoothly.

Time to Shed Your Dread of Rejection

What are you doing this coming weekend? Are you getting out to have some fun? Are you going somewhere to be around people and practice your connection skills? Are you hopping online and writing emails to five fine men you’ve scoped out?

No? You’re not? If you’re like I was when I was single, or you’re like many of my private coaching clients, you may not be doing any of those things because you dread feeling rejected.

I want to help you shed that dread by telling you a few quick stories.

1. Last week one of my clients told me that she sent an “I don’t think we’re a good match” email to a really hot guy. Why? Because he lived in the same small town as her cousin. She can’t stand her cousin and doesn’t want to risk seeing him.

2. A male friend of mine was dumped like a hot potato recently by his girlfriend. They had lived together for three years, and one day she told him that she “just realized [that she] really wanted a man who is taller and blond.” After three years, she just figured that out. And she left that day…along with most of his belongings.

3. I was going through profiles with a client the other day, and she dismissed men for these reasons (not all of which I agreed with, by the way):

• One was not the religion she wanted.
• One was separated and not yet divorced.
• One was too short.
• One wasn’t interested in politics and she was.

What do all these have in common? The rejections had NOTHING to do with the person’s worthiness as a person or partner! NOTHING.

These “rejections” were about logistics, someone else being crazy and losing her mind, and stuff that just didn’t make him a good match.

Our taking things personally is most often a complete waste of time. My friend – the one whose girlfriend dumped him – was destroyed by the experience. It took him a good year to realize it wasn’t about him not being good enough. It was about her going a little psycho as a reaction to other things happening in her life.

So, I ask you again: what are you doing this weekend? What efforts will you be making to help you get closer to meeting that kind, smart and loving man who is going to share your already-great life?

What’s the Stuff Standing Between You and That Good Man?

What layers of “stuff” are creating a barrier between you and your dream of sharing your life with a good man? As a Dating and Relationship Coach for Women over 40, I see this all the time: women in their 40s, 50s and 60s still believing “truths” she glommed on to a lifetime ago.

What are you holding on to?

• Pain of old relationships
• Judgments from ex’s and family members
• Expectations or learned dysfunction from your family
• Influence from well-meaning friends
• Perfectionism
• Fear of the unknown
• Assumptions about what men want and don’t want
• Fear of feelings that date back to days past (that you can easily handle now)

Next time, I’ll give you some very specific tools to help you kick your crap to the curb.

If you need help clearing some old layers, click here to sign up for my free eCourse: The 7 Major Dating mistakes Women over 40 Make in their Search for Love. Or just pick up the phone and call me and let’s talk about how I can help you Find Hope and then Find Him.

Four Reasons Why You May Be Chronically Single

If you are a woman over 40, single and looking for love, I think I know your story. It goes something like this:

You’ve been single longer than planned. The men you meet – when you actually get to meet someone – are boring, oafs or just plain wrong. You never feel that spark, and you need that spark.

You have created a great life for yourself and you’re a good catch. Your friends and family tell you that you’re too picky, but you absolutely will not settle. If Mr. I Love You comes along, that will be great, but if he doesn’t you figure you’ll be just fine without him.

If this sounds like you, welcome to the ranks of the chronically single, girlfriend. Please don’t think for a minute that I’m judging you. I dated for 30 years and know this story intimately. I was the Queen of singledom; waiting for Mr. I Love You to show up, see the real me and know I was the one for him. I spent thousands of nights waiting for this guy.

I waited until I finally admitted that I wasn’t okay if he didn’t come along. I wanted to share my life with a man. I wanted it so much that I finally admitted that it was ME creating my dismal results. I became willing to make changes in the way I dated and chose men, and I was ready to brave the potential pain. It was worth it.

I opened my mind and heart, learned more about my self-imposed limitations and met and married my very special husband at age 47.

It’s now my passion and my livelihood to help fabulous women like you break out of this cycle so you can start dating good men and find lasting love. Check out these four reasons you may be chronically single. I hope at least one of them creates an aha moment for you and moves catapults you further  toward meeting your loving life partner.

1. You are stuck in your old stuff.

If you are 40, 50 or beyond you have collected a ton of data about yourself, men and dating over the years. How much of what you “know” originated from your intellect and experience, and how much was handed to you by Johnny in 11^th grade, Cosmo magazine, your mother and your exes?

When was the last time you allowed yourself to celebrate who you are and ponder what and who will bring you happiness? If you haven’t done this recently, I suggest you get to it. The thoughts and feelings you are carrying around are directly affecting every action, opinion and decision as you date and mate. My guess is that there are some layers of old gunk that can be cleared away so you can make room for some newer shiny stuff.

2. The guy you want doesn’t exist.

If you’re 50 and still looking for Mr. Right, chances are that the man you want doesn’t exist or the men you’ve been choosing aren’t the ones who can make you happy. Let’s start with “looking for Mr. Perfect.”

All women have a list. Our lists have the adjectives, activities, behaviors and beliefs we are looking for in a man. Don’t get me wrong, it’s important to be clear on what you want in a partner. But reality should play some part of this if you truly want to find a partner. (As opposed to just talk about it.)

If your a man has flat abs, is over 6 foot, makes you laugh, loves to cook, has an executive job, likes to travel, loves your Mother and your cat…you will probably be reading articles like this for a very long time. This guy represents an infinitesimal percentage of the population of the world. Add in that you also want him to be mature, stable and grounded…that guy probably needs to be well over 40. Look for him all you want but this guy just doesn’t exist.

3. You’re looking for a hot guy; not a husband.

If you’re still going after hotness and charisma above all, if you’re running for the hills when you don’t have that instant chemistry, I have one thing to say (a la Dr. Phil): How’s that working for ya so far?

Before you get all mad, I agree that the man you connect with has to be attractive to you. But if you’re looking for that guy we talked about above, not only doesn’t he exist, but I suspect not one of those characteristics have anything to do with him being a good life partner.

If you’re looking for someone to spend 20+ happy years with – I recommend you look a heck of a lot deeper. Maybe you’ll see the endless stream of good men out there waiting for the opportunity to be a wonderful partner to a good woman.

4. You don’t know men well enough.

Here is an exercise: Finish the sentence “Men are…” Write as many ends to that sentence as you can. Then…step back and ask yourself two questions:

-       On a scale of 1-10, how well do I know how men think and feel in a romantic context? (1=clueless; 10=I could be a freaking man.) Knowing your Father or the men at work doesn’t garner many points here. Men, like women, can be extremely different in the two situations. If your score is low, perhaps you’re not connecting because you  don’t understand men. And if you don’t, how can you appreciate them or show them any compassion?

-       Is this true? Are each of these beliefs based on a actual adult experience? Often our attitudes and beliefs come from something that happened or was told to us when we were teenagers. Single experiences, especially ones that are emotionally painful, can create a “truth” about all men. Maybe you can’t even trace the source of your belief, but you’ve believed it forever and never given men a chance to prove otherwise?

Let me hear from you! Do any of these resonate or apply to you? What’s your story?

Men are People Too

I have sympathy for men. When it comes to dating, they have it really hard. Do you already know this? I think having compassion for the men you meet is an important part of dating like a grownup. I promise that if you subscribe to this belief, your dates will be wayyyy more relaxing, fun and interesting.

I know…men can suck. They can be superficial jerks, emotionally limited, users, slobs….I could go on. But the truth is that the vast majority of the men you’re going to meet are just nice guys looking for a nice woman. (Yes, it’s really that simple.)

So, assuming we’re talking about the nice guys here (as is always the case when I talk about grownup men), keep in mind that they have feelings, fears and disappointments just like you. And if you think you’ve been rejected, consider them: for each time we are told “no,” men hear it 50-100 times. Think about it: from the time they were teenagers, they have been required to ask first. Ouch.

Now, hop on over and read this from a man’s perspective. Marcus, my new bud from StraightMaleFriend.com, has written a great article about this titled “Who’s Got It As Hard As Women? MEN!” Check it out, and while you’re there look around the site. These guys are fantastic, and it is SO worth reading to get their point of view. (Note: To find this article click on Recent Articles from the home page.)

Then…go out there this weekend and find some nice men to talk to. Ask them their opinion on this topic.  But please remember that it’s not about who has it harder, just that both men and women have challenges when it comes to dating and relationships.

And PS: Don’t bother writing me with any man-hating. I always get an email from someone (and you know who you are!) telling me how I’m a “chauvinist” who tells women to be nice to men when men get to be assholes. That’s not what I’m saying, and I’ve never ever said any such thing. So don’t waste your time. Instead, I strongly suggest you actually read what I write and try not to filter it through your intense fear and hatred. That’s not protecting you from anything; quite the opposite, in fact. Life is way too short and too damn good when you finally find that spectacular, loving man. Get on with it.

Not Feeling Special to Him? It’s Time to Move On.

Ever found yourself wondering “Is he into me?” or “Should I move on?” Check out this email exchange I recently shared with a blog reader.

Dear Bobbi,

Thank you.  Your dating tips are helpful and have helped me change my point of view.

Before reading your blog, I’d been doing most of what you’ve suggested, without much confidence.

I’m 50 and have been online dating with some success at meeting good, intelligent, and interesting guys.

I finally met someone (who is a couple years) older than me, who I would have never chosen. When we met in person he was attractive, kind and interesting, after contacting me first. I replied.

Of all of the men I met, he made an incredible first impression and then things when downhill from there.  But, I like him and decided to give him a few more chances. Another chance to cancel at the last minute, stand me up, never call or seem busy if I called. I was trying to break an old habit of giving up too soon.

After one more postponed date, I was really disappointed  and emailed him that I wasn’t sure he was interested. Now I am split between thinking it was a mistake and the right thing to do. Of course I haven’t heard from him. I hoped it would lead to a conversation or reply.  But he just disappeared.

I thought it was a mistake because I finally felt grounded, ok to be myself, and calm in a relationship. I ignored the ups and downs hoping it would change and then realized it probably would not.

At this moment, I am disappointed, sad and miss him.  My interest in continuing my search is low. However, your blog tells me that I made the right decision. (Unless you can find a loophole, or ray of hope.)

I’m more interested in changing my point of view again.  There are attractive, mature, intelligent, affectionate, available men in their early 50s out there! I just have to take a deep breath and keep looking.

Best wishes to you.

“New York”

—-

Dear Ms. New York,

I see a huge ray of hope: YOU! I see a courageous, smart and loving woman making decisions that will ultimately lead to achieving her most important goal. Dating over 40 is not always easy, and you seem to be managing it with a pretty good balance of head and heart.

What you described is somewhat common for women who are trying to break their pattern of being overly critical of men: they sway to the complete other direction and accept too much!

It sounds to me like you were being “pinged,” Ms. New York. He started off being Mr. Smooth, got your attention, and then the rest of the so-called relationship was on his terms. When he wanted to see or talk to you…he did. When he didn’t, he didn’t.

This is not a man who is treating you like you are special. He was not trying to win you over in any way. And he was not going to change. He just didn’t see you as a serious match. YES…you made the right decision!

The only thing I hope you do differently next time is realize this earlier and feel confidence in your decision. He wasn’t someone you could count on or who let you feel good about yourself. Maybe in moments, but I’m guessing that overall you felt a lot of self-doubt and disappointment.

After a man stands you up or breaks a commitment a second time, I say move on. That is, if you want a man in your life that is trustworthy and well-mannered. (Which I’m sure you do.)

I know it feels crappy to have your hopes dashed, but I’ll ask you what I ask so many other women in your position: was he really such a great guy, or were you in love with the idea of being in love and thinking you finally found The One?

Kudos for having the courage to be yourself with him and for calling him out on his unacceptable behavior. Also, congratulations for consciously choosing to maintain hope…even through the disappointment.

You are obviously a smart, thoughtful woman who is serious about finding a loving, committed partner. Continue to be clear on your needs and boundaries, and stick to your must-haves. (Like being treated with respect and honesty!)

You are now one step closer to your heart’s desire.

With love, support and admiration,

Bp

The Truth about Single Men and Strong Women

Are you a single woman over 40 who is smart, independent and thinking there are no good men out there? I hope you don’t mind my saying this: you are w-r-o-n-g.

As a dating and relationship coach – and a woman who was a first‑time bride at 47 – I’m quite aware of what we tell ourselves:

Men can’t handle smart, powerful women…I’m not going to change just to snag a man…I’m going to wait for the man who accepts me just the way I am. He’ll come along.

Sound familiar at all?

These were my mantras for years. I hung on to them nice and tight until I realized that they were myths. The truth was out there plain as day but, as we do with so many beliefs, I simply refused contrary evidence.

In my e-course “The 7 Major Dating Myths Women over 40 Make in Their Search for Love,” I tell you what I came to believe about all this nonsense and explain how I got there.

One of those myths is that your fierce independence and being set in your ways keeps you from finding love.

Allow me to share some of my story.

Until I became a bride at 47, I planned everything in my life, supported myself, made all my decisions, and created the lifestyle I wanted.

No one told me how to think or feel.

Compromise wasn’t something I had to do.

I didn’t owe anyone anything, so no one was the boss of me.

I was successful and charted my own path.

Fast forward to the present…

I’ve been married 4+ years.

I have a lifestyle of my choosing, see my girlfriends when I want, and maintain my own priorities and routine.

No one tells me how to think or feel.

I don’t owe anyone anything, and no one is the boss of me.

I am still successful, and I chart my own path.

I’m the same woman I was when I was single.

I admit that I do have to occasionally compromise. I constantly have to put food away that he doesn’t put back in the fridge. I’m trying to learn to love sailing even though I could have happily lived my entire life without it.

And, yes, I do check with my husband before I made a big life decision.

Here is what I get in return: a lifetime companion I can count on. A partner who puts me first, supports me in everything I do, makes my life easier and more joyful, and makes me feel special, safe and loved every single day.

Your fear is a myth. I know because I’m living the truth. Here are a couple points for you to consider.

1) It’s all in the picking.

Why would you choose a man who wants you to act in ways you don’t want to act, or give up things that you love?

Why would you pick a man who doesn’t admire your independence and honor your ability to get what you want in life?

There are things you love about yourself and your life, and you shouldn’t give those up. If you’re finding yourself having to do that with potential partners, the answer isn’t to blame men and stop dating…the answer is to attract and pick the right guy.

2) Men want the real you and don’t want you to change.

Albert Einstein once said, “Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed.”

Men consistently lament the loss of the women they thought they married. Why does this happen?

Because we bend like a pretzel to snag a man and then become our real selves once we feel secure…much to his surprise!

If you are independent and have things you feel you must do in your life…be that and do that. And find a man who accepts it and appreciates it.

The real surprise is this: an amazing thing happens when you find the good man you love: some of your priorities change. You want to please him, and it’s easy to make adjustments. That’s when you know you have the right man.

Some of these things you thought you’d never let anyone influence in your life become things you can’t wait to talk to your man about.

Your super-pride in doing it all yourself turns into a pride of being a good partner and in learning how to find this ultimate joy in life.

Remember, you’re with a man whom you respect and admire. And you know he cares for you. Why wouldn’t you want his opinion? You don’t have to do what he says, just honor his partnership and advice.

The bottom line is that you are basing your fear of losing your independence and having to change on a False Assumption.

To learn my steps to overcoming this belief, and to learn my other 6 Major Dating Mistakes Women over 40 Make, click here to sign up for my free e-course.

Let’s Agree to Face Our Fear

Do you go month to month, year to year, repeating the same mantra about men? It leaves your mouth in various forms, but you’ve got only one point: to release yourself from any responsibility and keep you safe and snug-as-a-bug-in-a-rug without the worry of that pesky intimacy thing.

“There are no good men out there. I’m better off without a man. I don’t want any man who isn’t willing to accept me exactly as I am. All the men my age are old fuddy-duddies or want the young girls….” Blah, blah, blah.

Okay ladies…I’m here to say once again: Please Stop That!

As a smart woman told me recently: it’s scary out there. Yup. It is. Putting yourself out there is scary. Hoping for something really big is scary. Openly searching for the love and acceptance of others is scary.

I may not have this particular fear anymore — I’ve overcome it and it led me to the love of my life — but I still fear things just like it.

Take all this stuff that I write and say to you day after day. My mantra for the longest time was “No one will ever read what I have to say, and if they do why would they listen to me?”

That kept me from starting my blog and my coaching business for over a year. It still keeps me from doing some things I know I should be doing.

In my clearer moments I realize that my limiting thinking translates to some women not getting help they need. It’s sorta crazy.

I’m convinced that this stuff we get stuck in our heads is simply about self protection. I’m also convinced that playing it safe is just not worth it; and that trying — just the act of trying — gives us the confidence and pride we need to propel us forward.

If I had played it safe I’d be single and working in a corporate job that was sucking the life out of me.

Instead, I spend every day of my life with a good man that I love with everything I have, and I’m given the gift of being able to help women improve their lives.

When we hold back out of fear, we give up so much. We risk missing moments of our lives that can create such extraordinary joy, and give us such a feeling of purpose and meaning.

When we go for it, our experiences can go beyond anything we’ve ever dreamed.

So I’m going to stay strong and positive and keep putting myself out here, hoping you love and accept me. And, missy, I expect you to do the same…with men.

How to Spot the Bad Guys and Chase Them Away

Do you want to be in a relationship with a man who doesn’t care what you want and need?

I’m going to assume the answer is “no.” So I have to ask: Why would you date a man who doesn’t care what you want and need?

Two of my private coaching clients are struggling with the notion of communicating their needs and desires to the men they date. Most of my clients have this challenge. I know I did.

We think that if we share what we want, the guy will think us pushy and selfish, and leave.

My client Alison’s past history goes something like this: she does anything and everything exactly the way he wants, bends until she almost breaks, and when she can’t stand it one more day…she voices a preference.

Maybe it’s to choose a vacation spot. Maybe it’s asking for a commitment after years of dating. Maybe it’s simply asking to be treated with more kindness and respect.

When she’s done this, the guys have hurled insults, increased their controlling and selfish behavior, and soon after ended the relationship.

Now that Alison is working with me, she’s aware of this pattern. With my support she is meeting men via Match.com. I’m encouraging her to take control of the experience, which starts with letting men know how she would prefer to move through communications.

Not in a demanding way, but in a way that tells him what will please her…if he chooses to do it.

Here is Alison’s email to me today:

A guy emailed me with “Hi.”

I emailed back with a short note asking for communication.

He emailed back with “let me know if you’d like a call sometime.”

I emailed back that I would like that at some time, but for now “I

would be very happy to get to know you a bit on email – is that ok with you?”

And he emailed back…..”nope.”

Now, if I were to look into my past experience…..I would tend to

say that I asked for something, and the immediate response was that

the other person left.

Here is my response:

Yep. He did leave. And isn’t that GREAT?

This is a guy who wouldn’t even do this little thing she asked. Good thing she learned this now, rather than after doing everything his way for months or years and getting stuck in her old pattern.

It’s true that a “no” may not mean he’s an awful guy. Maybe he just doesn’t see things the way you do. Regardless, if he refuses to do something that is important to you, then he’s not for you.

This isn’t a test and it’s not about always getting your way. It’s just about kindly communicating when you want something that is significant to you.

If he won’t do these things now…he won’t ever.

So Alison asked me: Are you telling me that you want me to chase men away? And my answer was: Men like this? Hell ya!

And by the way…

My other client Kathy wanted to dump her guy because he was getting too intimate too fast. We worked on how to communicate that to him in a non-demanding but clear way. He was a nice guy, and it was worth a try to see if he would agree.

She had that conversation just as we practiced it. He told her it was quite fine with him to slow things down. And he thanked her for telling him what she wanted.

And he asked her out for the next weekend.

I rest my case.

The Simple Secret You’re Missing in Your Search for Love

Lately I’ve come upon what I think is one of the biggest ironies of all: Good single men want women just like you…yet you’re not yourself when you’re around them.

Many fears stand in the way of you reaching your goal of finding love. If there is one fear I hope you can shed, it’s that of exposing your true and authentic self, particularly to men.

You really are who they want. And when you can just be yourself – foibles, insecurities, imperfections and all – and open yourself up to true connection…your life will explode with possibilities.

My wish for you in the coming year is that you find yourself, find hope and find him.

Cheers to you and to love!