Why You Should Open Yourself Up to Love (You’re One Heck of a Fantastic Woman)

My Top Terrific Tip for Improving Your Relationships and Dates

I’m on a well-deserved vacation with my spectacular man, as you can see from the photo. Need I say more? Here is a repost of one of my popular articles. Be back next week!

Raise your hand if you can accurately read the minds of your girlfriends.  My guess is that, at least for a few, you actually can. Larry and I can read each other’s minds at times.  When you’ve spent about 2000 days with someone you love, that happens. (It’s not always a good thing, btw.)

Now, raise your hand if you can accurately read the minds of the men you are dating or have had short relationships with.  Anyone?  Okay, now raise your hand if you’ve tried to read the minds of the men you are dating or have had short relationships with. I bet you have, and I bet you can’t.

I bring this up because of something that happened to my friend, Jan.  I think this is a great story of how becoming more aware of your thoughts and actions can make a really nice change in your life.   This includes managing the propensity to read men’s minds.

Jan’s Meet Date

Jan’s on what we call a “meet date” with a new guy she met through online dating.  Jan appropriately coined these meet dates because it’s just that: a way for two people to meet.  It’s only after this that you decide if you want to go out on a real date.  I think she’s brilliant for thinking of it this way because, guess what, many men see it this way.  When they do, it means they may not be in their full-throttle, romantic, wow-the-woman date mode.  Give this some thought. Knowing this may affect your high expectations for these types of dates.  But I digress.  (What else is new?)

Anyway, Jan and Mr. New Guy are having lunch.  They’ve talked a little and she thinks he’s a nice guy.  Her lunch is served along with her iced tea, but the waitress never brings the requisite straw.  They’re sitting just a short distance from a table where straw-o-rama awaits.  Jan looks over at that table, looks at Mr. New Guy, and waits for him to get up and get her a straw.  He doesn’t.  So Jan asks, half joking: “Hey…aren’t you going to get up and get me a straw?”  To which Mr. New Guy replies: “Nope, I was looking forward to watching you walk over there.”  A sheepish smile follows.

Okay, so what are you thinking about this guy right now?? Got it? Okay, please read on.

Here’s what Jan thought: there were two things about this that really surprised her:

1) It didn’t offend her. A year ago she would have considered that rude and sexist and completely inappropriate.  She may have even gotten up and left.  But she’s been working on a handful of changes that are making her a more conscious, graceful, and grownup dater.  She’s being more compassionate and less judgmental of men.  Also, Jan’s becoming much more in touch and comfortable with her femininity.  She’s loving feeling softer and being able to show all aspects of her personality, and the men are definitely responding.  So when Mr. New Guy made his comment and smiled, the woman inside her felt flattered and she was quite tickled.

2) She never would have guessed his reason for not getting up to get her the damn straw. Her old self would have tried to read his mind and instantly assumed either he didn’t like her enough to get off his butt to be gentlemanly, or that he was just plain ill-mannered. (Which we all know is a total deal-breaker, right ladies?)  “Knowing” this would have rung the “this guy is a jerk” bell, and off she would have gone.  There would have been no redemption.  But Jan decided not to assume and to give him a break.  Hence, her question “hey…aren’t you going to get up and get me a straw?”

The Story Ends

So what happened?  Jan returned the sheepish grin, and on the date went. After he went and got her the straw, of course.

Mr. New Guy is now Mr. Past Guy.  They agreed that it wasn’t a match.  But her decision had nothing to do with the straw-capade.  And since she didn’t jump to offense or assume, both Jan and her date left feeling good about themselves and all the better for their next date.  (Practice makes perfect!)

These small changes in attitudes and habits – like accepting you can’t read a guy’s mind, like giving a guy a break, like getting comfortable with just being yourself – these can make all the difference in your search for love and, as a great side benefit, in your love of yourself.

Oh!  And let me hammer home this advice: don’t try to figure out what a man is thinking.  They think so differently than we do you’ll be wrong a huge percentage of the time.  But you already know that.

Why You Might Want to Stop Looking for a Man

I know you say you’re looking for a loving and committed man to share your life, but I have to ask…have you found yourself yet? I know you’ve heard this before and it sounds trite, but everyone says it for a good reason. If the answer to the question is no, beats me, or who cares…then you probably have a few steps to take before you’re going to attract Mr Right. Here’s what I propose: stop focusing on him and start focusing on you.

This is especially true if you’re a woman dating over 40. You have your career, friends and family pretty well figured out. I’m betting you do quite well as a single gal. It’s also likely you have spent decades taking care of others and are not used to — or even unable to — think of yourself first. Also, you’ve soaked in more gunk than a sponge sitting in a sink for a month that’s never been squeezed out. (Gross analogy, but purposeful.)

You are filled with unfulfilled relationships; twisted body image; ideas of how men are and should be; doubts about your intelligence, personality or worthiness as a partner…I can go on and on. These are the truths that drive your every move (and not just in relation to men). They show up in every part of your life. Maybe you don’t have close female friends. Maybe you can’t stand your boss but have no idea how to improve the situation. Maybe you have never taken that trip or class that you say you want so badly. And when it comes to men, maybe you don’t date at all. Or when you do, you don’t get called for a second date. Maybe you stay in bad relationships or only have short, disappointing affairs.

I know people say that “he” shows up when you’re not looking. This is not what I’m talking about here. He — the good guy who will make a fantastic husband —shows up when you are ready to receive him.

Here are two stories of women who found their perfect matches after decades of bad relationships with men, and another of a fabulous woman who is dating as she learns how to enjoy being single. All these gals focused on themselves first, and it changed their lives forever.

Debbie M., age 54, fired me after our fourth private coaching session. She decided she wasn’t ready for a man after all and wanted to stop dating all together. I suggested we keep working together and just forget men: we’d focus on her. (This is part of my job as a dating and relationship coach. If you want to give up, I’m going to be there to keep you hopeful and moving forward.) Debbie agreed and continued to work on falling in love with herself.

About one month later she was shaking it on the dance floor with a girlfriend. A guy in the band saw her and approached her. It’s this man she has been with for over a year now. They just returned from a trip to Kauai. Here are a couple notes she sent me during our time working together:

Bobbi,
Just wanted to check in and let you know how things are going. I had a very nice surprise Valentine weekend. When I got home from work on Saturday, I walked in and candles were lit all over the house. He had a dozen red roses sitting on the table with a glass of wine and a card that actually played fireworks when I opened it. Then we went to dinner and then out dancing. I couldn’t have asked for anything better.
~~ Debbie

Hi Bobbi,
I have found a very special man. I truly believe I am in love for the very first time. This relationship is so different from any other, and I am accepting it instead of questioning it. I am enjoying it, having fun and believing that he truly loves me also. His actions speak as clearly as his words.

Thank you again for all of the help you have given to me. I guess you were right: I was ready for a great guy in my life. I even told him this morning that I wouldn’t have been ready for him right now if I hadn’t done the work necessary to figure out who I was and what I truly deserved. I have discussed you with him, and he is so supportive. He has done some work on himself over the years and so appreciates that I have worked on the things necessary to be in a great relationship and recognize it. Who would have thought!

Just wanted to let you know that all is well and the love just continues to grow. You are great!
~~ Debbie

And then there is Shari B., age 50. Shari was dating two men when she started coaching with me. She was looking for love, yet neither were “commitment kind of guys.” After just two sessions together Shari “got it” and dumped both men. After a few more, “Joe” showed up. Actually, he was already around as a friend; she just wasn’t noticing him. Why? Because first she had to get to know herself. She had to understand how special and worthy of love she was. She also needed to be clear on the type of man that would bring her happiness for life. Once she did that work, as she says, “voila!” He was right in front of her. Now she knows how to build a great relationship, and she and Joe are talking about marriage.

Bobbi,
Just as you said this morning about how easy a great relationship is, it is. Joe and I are growing in such wonderful ways together, and there’s effort on both sides. And, yes, we love each other and are willing to be vulnerable and share. What a nice place to be. My anxiety level is way down. I did what you did in dating: dating the guys I couldn’t possibly get. And finally, because of your great homework, I learned I really do want a nice man as my companion. I do see that I have a tendency to push men away, and I am feeling this come up every once in a while with Joe. I think, “How can he possibly really love all of me?” I freak out a bit inside about the things I don’t like about myself and impose them on Joe and think, “How can he love all of me?” Then I get scared, want to protect myself, and put a little wall up around me.

The great thing is that, following your advice, I let him know when this is happening. And he hugs me and spends time talking with me about what is going on in my mind. I have always wanted a relationship where I feel important and cared about, and voila! Here we are! Such freedom in a loving, caring, respectful relationship. I appreciate you so very much, and your coaching is right on!
Hugs! ~~Shari

Last, there is Jo, age 42. Jo is dating a little bit. While she is hopeful she will find her ideal life partner, for now we are working on creating her best life possible. When she came to me, she was stuck in a rut and doing essentially the same thing every day. She let years of “stuff” get in the way of enjoying people and enjoying life. She is now working hard, and it’s improving every aspect of her life. Here is a note from her that I received at the beginning of the new year. 

Bobbi,
At the end of the month I note what I felt was my biggest accomplishment. Then at the end of the year I made a list of those things I felt were the biggest movements for the year. Here’s this year’s list due in large part to YOU:

1) Did new things

2) Self improvement (dating)

3) Spent more time with friends

I hope these stories have inspired you to make this the year you get to know and love yourself as well as attract that ideal man into your life. Getting to know myself, realizing I was pretty awesome and creating a good life for myself…that’s what led me to Larry. That’s also what led these gals to their happiest lives. Are you going to join us?

I’m here to help you reach your goals. Here are some ways I can help you find (and totally dig!) yourself so you can have fun while dating and attract Mr. Right:

1. Read my article How to Fall in Love…With Yourself and complete the exercise.

2. Read how to Shed Your Stuff and do the exercises.

3. Keep an eye out for my upcoming program: Unlock Your Mojo and Meet Your Man. (It’s all about you! It’s going to change the way you see yourself and relate to men.)

4. Learn about my many coaching programs.

What Looking for Love and Birthing a Baby Have in Common

There are so many women I care deeply about —both friends and clients — who are holding themselves back from bringing love into their life. Are you one of them? Are you saying “I want a fabulous man in my life” and “I know I’m a catch” yet not doing much to actually reach your self-described all-important goal?  Are you doing the same routine each day expecting things to be different? Are you staying closed in your head and your heart, unwilling to learn to better understand and love men…and yourself? If that’s you, I can bet that you haven’t found Him because of “Fear of Fill-in-the-blank.” We all have different fears…but it comes down to the same thing: a big wall between us and what we want in life. And for you, it is to love and be loved.

Well, the New Year is starting. Let’s face it, girls; the clock is ticking. I’m here to encourage you to get laser-focused on this goal and go for it. And the best way I know how to help you do this is to help alleviate your fears.

That’s where childbirth comes in. (Stay with me on this one.)

I have no biological children of my own, so childbirth is kind of a foreign concept to me. One thing that’s always stood out about the process is how a woman could be in such incredible pain and suddenly…POOF! She was A-Okay. It seems that once a gorgeous child enters the world, women forget both the pains of pregnancy and the horrors of childbirth. I can only guess it’s because of the strength of their love for that child.

That describes exactly how I feel about dating and finding love. I was reminded of this last weekend as Larry and I shared two distinct but telling experiences.

On Sunday Larry and I were uploading images into iPhoto and spontaneously spent over an hour going through our honeymoon pictures, reliving our wonderful wedding and honeymoon. (It WAS amazing!) We took the opportunity to remind ourselves how lucky and loving we are. I kept thinking that it was such hard work to find this man, but now that I have it’s changed my life…forever and for the better. Meeting him is truly the best thing that has ever happened to me in my entire life. It was through this lens that we made some decisions about where to go together in 2012.

On the flip side, the next day we moved my mother from an apartment she’s been in for five years into a residential facility. It was a very emotional day for me and my brother, but Larry was right by my side the whole time. He worked his butt off physically by helping organize and move my mother’s billions of things,. On top of that he really understood the emotional difficulty of the situation. He supported me even though there were multiple times he was frustrated beyond words at our slow pace. His patience with me is beyond what I should expect. And then he let me whine about the experience the whole way home. And most days thereafter. (I’m pretty sure I’m done. Thank you , honey.)

These two experiences—one that was heartwarming and one that was horrible—emphasized how incredibly fulfilling it is for me to have found a great grownup relationship with a good man.

This brings me back again to how dating and looking for love is so very much like birthing a baby. Now I know the deep pleasure of having meaningful love in my life and the comfort of having a life partner who lets me share devotion and trust in both good times and bad. It’s incredibly fulfilling, and it’s somehow managed to essentially erase the pain and frustration of dating I endured for almost 30 years. (Until I figured out how to enjoy it and meet the right men.)

That’s right. There’s no more anger toward the guys who failed to phone for a follow-up date. There’s no more bitterness at the guy who only wanted sex. The hurt of being alone on the big holidays is a distant memory. My loneliness, my hopelessness, my frustration; they’re all gone, and replaced by this incredible gratitude that it all led me to exactly where I am.

I know that it took a lot of effort on my part to grow and change so I could find a great guy. I had to be courageous and overcome a lot of fears. I had to experience some painful moments. But in retrospect, it was totally worth it…because it led me to this magnificent man and this wonderful life helping others —which is precisely where I always wanted to be.

I’m not one for New Year’s resolutions, but it’s time to decide what you want to do and make a commitment to do it. Are you ready to feel the momentary pain* to get what you’ve always wanted in your life? What are two things you’ll do this week to start on the path to finding your loving life partner? Email me and let me know or share it on my Facebook page.

* The truth is that it is mostly perceived pain. Finding your loving life partner really doesn’t even have to be painful…but that discussion is for another time.

What Men Say About Women (It May Surprise You!)

What if you could hear men honestly share their thoughts and feelings about women, dating, sex and relationships? I had the opportunity to do that twice last week when I hosted and observed “man panels.”

If you’ve never been fortunate to hear a man panel, it works like this: we gather men — both single and married — and a facilitator asks them questions previously submitted by the participating women. The women listen as the men give their answers, yet they are not allowed to interact. By silently listening we create space for the men to speak freely and without restriction. You would be amazed at what men will share when allowed to do so!

The men who participate need only meet these qualifications: they must appreciate women and be able to articulate their truth. They are not coached, and they are not pre-screened to determine how they might answer the questions. I’ve attended numerous panels over the years, and the men seem to answer the questions just about the same way every time. The consistency used to surprise me. Now it just reinforces what I already know: that men are loving and kind and have an endless desire to make women happy.

I wanted to share some of what I heard. Below are a few of the questions asked and the men’s answers. These are “from the horse’s mouth,” so it’s truth. I didn’t make up this stuff. (It’s not verbatim but close to it.)

Enjoy, and let me know how you feel after reading this.

Q: If you can tell women one thing you think they don’t know, what would it be?

A1: I want you to feel happy…I want to help you be happy.

A2: You often think that if you have to tell me what you want and I give it to you…it doesn’t count. If you tell us what you want, we’re more than happy to give it to you 99% of the time! This goes into the bedroom and everything. But just because you have to tell us doesn’t mean we don’t deserve the credit for doing it.

A3: Dating at this time of our life should be enjoyable. Everyone just likes to have fun. We often look for what’s wrong when we should be looking for what works and just enjoy each other. It’s about two people meeting. And if it works…that’s great!

Q: What turns you on about a woman/what do you get from women?

A1: A smile. Any smile. From any woman. When women smile at me, it makes me giddy – even though I’m 42 years old. It doesn’t matter who she is. Women usually don’t even look at us, so when she does it feels good.

A2: A woman who knows what she wants and knows how to get it. That’s confidence, and it’s a turn on.

A3: When she is just being herself.

A4. Women bring empathy, love, tenderness and warmth. I love that about them.

A5. It’s non-competitive like it is with men. Men and women can talk about relationships. Men don’t talk about relationships. We only talk about what we’re doing.

A6. Women are just beautiful creatures. They are so different from us, and they are so beautiful.

Q: Do you want us to ask you out?

A1: Yes, help me! If a woman asks me out, I think “Wow, I’m that good!”

A2: Approach us and make it clear you are interested. It’s fantastic when I know you’ll say “yes”…but let me take lead and ask.

A3: Maybe I haven’t even noticed you. So if you’re interested in me, definitely let me know you’re interested. I realize that’s a potentially vulnerable place to be, but if you don’t ask you don’t get! (Note from me: my father always used to tell me that. Seems to be true in many ways.)

Q: What do you want from your woman?

A1: I want her to be like my mom: I want my woman to love me unconditionally and always think I’m better than even I think I am.

A2: Love…and acceptance for who I am.

—————–

That’s just a taste. Men really aren’t different than us in the ways of love, are they? They want to give and receive…and be accepted for who they are. Men definitely do think differently, but that doesn’t mean they want different things. Once you accept that, take some time to understand how they think and feel, and learn how to communicate with them. You too can have a fantastic relationship with a loving man.

I’m so curious…how did you feel reading this? Tell me about it here!

STOP Waiting for Chemistry, Will Ya?

Are you a woman over 40 who is dating and looking for love? If you’re waiting to feel that amazing chemistry to tell you that he’s The One…think again. Chemistry is for 18 year olds.

Chemistry makes you feel good, and it makes for a good date. But it takes a whole lot more to know if he could be a loving, lifetime partner. If you want to find the lasting love of a good man, give up the search for butterflies and start searching for the man who has your must-have’s and makes you feel like the smart, lovely woman that you are.

ΞΞΞΞΞΞΞΞΞΞΞΞΞΞΞΞΞΞΞΞΞΞΞΞΞΞΞΞΞΞΞΞΞΞΞΞΞΞΞΞΞΞΞΞΞΞΞΞΞΞΞΞΞΞΞΞΞΞΞ

Are You Expecting Men to Act Like Women?

My idea for today’s post came from a seminar I hosted last week called “Making Sense of Men.” It was co-led by a trainer for PAX Programs International,  which is in the business of educating women about men. If you haven’t familiarized yourself with PAX, which is the brilliant work of Alison Armstrong, I can’t recommend it enough. I attended my first course with them 10 years ago, and it was a life-changing experience.

Alison’s mission is helping men and women understand each other, which inevitably leads to deeper and richer relationships and creates peace between the sexes. It also eliminates the craziness that comes from trying to figure out what the heck the opposite sex is thinking and feeling and why they do what they do. (I know you’re familiar with that craziness, right?)

A key point in this understanding for women is this:

A man can not be like your girlfriend, just with different parts.

I can not stress the importance of this! Do you know why we are so often disappointed by men? Because we expect them to be behave based on how a women would act. It’s all we know.

We don’t leave room for men to be men. We consider how they think and feel, but it’s generally not based on any real knowledge; it’s based on how WE would think and feel.

One of the keys to finding a fabulous man to share your life is to commit to learning about men. When you do, you will find that, as Alison says, they are not wrong: they are just different. Men are so different from us, and once you “get them” you’ll see their magnificence and absolutely love, love LOVE them like I and so many women I work with do.

Here are a few simple examples of how our differences play out in dating. Did you know:

• When a man asks what you want to do on a date, it’s because he wants to be sure you enjoy yourself. We think it’s because he’s lazy or doesn’t care. Quite the opposite. It’s because he wants to please you, and the best way to do that is for him to have you pick your pleasure.
• When you offer to pay on a date — especially on the first — he assumes it’s because you don’t like him and don’t want to owe him anything. If you insist on pulling out your wallet, don’t be surprised if he doesn’t call you again.
• When a man you’ve been dating doesn’t call you for a few days or just dashes off a quick text, it may be that he’s simply busy. Can’t he just pick up a phone, you ask? Well, when men are working they are doing just that: working. Men are generally singularly focused. Women, though, can do 100 things at once. We can participate in a conference, notice we need a manicure, write a to-do list AND wonder what our boyfriend is doing — all at the same time. That would make many-a-man’s head explode.
• Asking some men how he feels about something could be like asking him about quantum physics. Processing feelings can be challenging for men unless they approach it via their intellect. Instead of asking how he feels…ask him what he thinks. Then listen. You’ll likely get to his feelings. (Most men’s feelings run very deep if we just know how to talk to them about it.)

Learning about these and the many other ways we perceive things differently will make your dating life way more fun and help you make better choices. All your relationships with the men in your life will improve. When you know how men think, you will be able to communicate in a way that nurtures and respects them and also gets you what you need in the relationship.

Larry and I have been together about six years and have never raised our voices or hurt each other with words. We have disagreed, but we always work it out so it’s a win-win. You can do this also!

Here are a couple PAX programs I highly recommend.*

Their Celebrating Men, Satisfying Women Workshop http://shrsl.com/?~1kgm will change your life. I took this two-day course and learned more about men than I had in the preceding 40 years. I saw women who walked in scared and mistrusting, and left feeling safe and looking forward to meeting men. And again, it helps you with all the men in your life.

In Sync With the Opposite Sex http://shrsl.com/?~1kwn is all about dating. It helps you understand how the most basic instincts of men and women pit us against each other in the world of dating and relationships. I think this is a must-have. If you need to, chip in with a girlfriend and listen together.

Making Sense of Men is a funny, information-packed text, with priceless insights into men, their motivations and their inspirations.

http://shrsl.com/?~1kwo

These, along with the work we are doing together, will help you get to your goal of finding that loving, special man to enhance your already great life. When you learn to understand men and celebrate our differences, you will see instant improvement in all of your relationships.

* I don’t often endorse products here but I feel SO strongly about these programs and know how much they can help you. I do receive a commission from any sales of these products but I trust you know that I would only recommend things that I 100% believe will help you in your search for love.

Why Some Men Talk Too Much on Dates

As a dating coach for women over 40, I often hear stories about men talking their heads off on dates as the women sit quietly nodding and “uh-hu-ing.” (Notice I didn’t say listening.) Inevitably, these two will never have another date…unless the woman has been coached by me.

Usually one or more of these reasons will prevent them from having another date:

1.  She can’t fathom the idea of listening to Mr. Blabbermouth one more minute.

2.  He shared something he shouldn’t have and she’s turned off by it. (How many times do I have to tell you: don’t over-share when you’re getting to know someone!)

3.  He leaves feeling embarrassed and exposed, which means he will never call her again.

(There is one exception to this: the occasional guy who just loves hearing his own voice and loves an audience. He will call again. Oh, goody.)

What’s funny about this situation is that it’s quite the opposite of the rest of life. Overall, women talk way more than men. In fact, when men are asked what bugs them about women, most men say we talk too much. My husband says that women talk in stories, but men like listening in headlines. As usual, I think he’s right. (Which, btw, is what bugs me about him.)

Yes, we gals do have the propensity to blab for the sake of it. I love that about women and wouldn’t have it any other way. Yet on dates it’s not uncommon for it to be the opposite, with the man chattering away. He could be nervous” or overcompensating for insecurity…but there is another reason I don’t think we consider. Here is my theory:

Single men rarely get the opportunity to talk about themselves and their lives, and our femininity brings this out in them.

Think about it: men don’t socialize like women do. When was the last time you saw two (straight) men out having dinner or taking a walk together? Male connection generally takes place through activities. They need some sort of goal, and being together is generally secondary to that goal.

Here’s an example. My husband went sailing for four hours with a friend who is in poor health and in the middle of a divorce. When he returned I asked how the guy is doing, and he had no freaking idea; they never discussed it. Why? Because…they were sailing!

Then there’s us. Women get together for the purpose of talking, listening and sharing. The activity – if there even is one – is secondary. When I get together with a few girlfriends for dinner, we will spend two to three hours and talk the entire time. What we eat and the ambiance of the restaurant are of little importance.

When women get together, even often in a business environment, it’s about the human connection. We love being able to talk about ourselves, hear our pals’ stories, and support one another when needed.

Hence my theory: I believe that, when in the company of a lovely woman, some men simply feel like talking – especially when the women seem open to it. Men are just like us: they need human connection and to feel heard and understood. And they get that from the women in their lives.

If you’re out with a man who hasn’t had much female companionship, he may have a lot bottled up. He may “get drunk” from the opportunity to talk about himself to a kind, pretty woman – especially one who appears to be willing to listen.

When you find yourself with a chatty man, show him some compassion. Remember how much you love talking and consider that he might too, yet doesn’t often get the opportunity. When you present him with it, along with your beautiful smile, he might take advantage of the situation.

So instead of just writing the guy off, give him a break. Look for things you like about him and things you have in common. Then manage the conversation away from him; either using a subtle segue or by interrupting if necessary.

If he’s a smart and good guy, he will be thankful that you steered him away from his yammering. And if you find things you like and decide to go out with him again, nine times of ten he will not repeat it. Ask my coaching client “Sharon,” who is now madly in love with one of these guys. She never would have agreed to see him again had I not encouraged her to do so. Now…for her…life is back to normal, and she does most the talking.

Key #5 to Finding Hope and Finding Him: Real Women Find Their Man

This is the fifth and last in a series of articles sharing my 5 Keys to Finding Hope and Finding Him. The 5 Keys are:

M - Me and Me first.
A - Assess your list.
S - Shed your stuff.
T - Time to get out and Trail blaze.
R - Real women find their man.

This was the topic of my free telecall last week and of my telecourse: Master the Mystery of Meeting Men after 40.

The truth is that as we get older, the ratio of single men to women begins to favor men. That means there’s a lot of competition, especially for the confident, healthy, relationship-minded man you want to meet. That good man has a lot of options – and I want You to be the one he chooses!

In Key #4, Time to Get Out and Trail Blaze , I wrote about how to make that initial connection with a man. That can be momentary, so after that (if you like him) you want to keep him interested and intrigued. That’s what makes him want to see you again and again.

I teach this at length to my private coaching clients and in my Master the Mystery of Meeting Men after 40 telecourse. Today I want to give you the most important ingredient: Connect with him.

This can actually be easy: we just tend to make it difficult. The most important part of connecting with a man is being the real you. Women can expend so much energy trying to twist like a pretzel to fit what we think men want us to be. It’s crazy because, first, we are often wrong about what men want. Second, men – the mature, smart ones who know something about women – can see right through the charade…and it’s a huge turn-off.

If you seem to be holding back or acting a part, he’s going to assume you’re either insecure in who you are or are hiding something. He will assume he’s not meeting the real you, and you will not make a connection. Hence one of my very favorite quotes:

Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed. ~ Albert Einstein

——–

So how do you learn to feel comfortable being the real you? My first three Keys to Finding Hope and Finding Him are designed to set you up for precisely that. When you have done your work on Key #1 (Me and Me First), you give yourself permission to focus on yourself and learn who you are. You also learn to brag about yourself to men in a graceful way. You have fallen in love with yourself. You are comfortable with what you offer as a potential mate, including coming to terms with your perceived imperfections. (Or maybe you have worked on them and made some necessary shifts.)

Then, Key #2 (Assess Your List) sets you up with clarity about the man and relationship that will make you happy for life. Key #3 (Shed Your Stuff) helps you knock down the walls and clear the junk that holds you back and keeps you afraid.

So, think of it: you know and like yourself, you know what you want, and you have the courage to go get it.

And you relax into dating. The more relaxed you are, the more fun you have and the more attractive you are to men. And you get more dates with the good guys!

When I was single and finally realized that not only was it okay to be Me but it was best, I was driving home from a date. And for the very first time, I wasn’t exhausted. And I got a call for the next date!

Real Women find their Man. It’s a proven fact. (By me!)

Key #4 to Finding Hope and Finding Him: Time to Get Out and Trail Blaze

This is the fourth in a series of articles sharing my 5 Keys to Finding Hope and Finding Him. The 5 Keys are:

M - Me and Me first.
A - Assess your list.
S - Shed your stuff.
T - Time to get out and Trail blaze.
R - Real women find their man.

This was the topic of my free telecall last week and of my telecourse: Mastering the Mystery of Meeting Men after 40.

I say you need to Trail Blaze because, as you know, he’s not comin’ knocking on your door. You have to make a plan and get out of your house. I’m going to be honest with you: this part can be what stops you in your tracks.

I can’t tell you how often I hear “there are no good men out there” from women who haven’t been anywhere to meet men in a very long time. Or they have such a crazy list they wouldn’t know the right man if they saw him. Or they’ve gone out twice, didn’t meet anyone and are ready to give up. It doesn’t work this way!

You know my company is called Date Like a Grownup. A big part of that is taking personal responsibility for your outcomes. This is absolutely one of the keys to finding someone – you have to do the work! Sometimes it takes fortitude and courage to overcome some seeming rejection or when you don’t meet someone right away; but trust me, it is SOOO worth it when you finally meet your man!

So, where do you meet men? Everywhere and anywhere. Seriously. At the bank, the local lunch joint during your lunch time, volunteering, salsa class…and of course, online. That’s where I met my husband (on http://www.match.com), so I’m a big proponent.

Even if you’re online, I want you to get out of your house and make connections. Instead of moving around your day like the walking dead, look at people and connect.

Here’s all you have to do starting tomorrow when you see a man by himself:

1. 1. Make eye contact, smile and say “hi.”
   Don’t turn away. I know you do that, especially if he’s good looking! When you can look him in the eye, it shows a wonderful, soft confidence. And remember, we talked about how attractive that is to relationship-minded men.

 

2. 2. Ask a simple question. No need to be brilliant.
   My brother once told me, “If women only knew how easy we are. All it takes is saying ‘hi’ and smiling, and you have our attention. We already like you.” You see, women don’t usually connect in any way with men they don’t know, which makes men appreciate it even more when it happens. And it’s not about picking up a guy. At worst, you’ve practiced, made a connection and made a man feel good about himself because you were friendly. At best you strike up a conversation and find out you have things you like about each other.

 

3. 3. Find something you like about him or what he shares and talk about it.
   Men like being flattered just as much as we do. You know how good it feels when someone takes interest in you, what you do and what you like. 

 

4. 4. Talk about yourself.
   It’s not enough just to listen; you have to let him know some fun or interesting things about you. How else will he gauge if he likes you or not? While men are visual, you may attract him with your confidence, your smile and your looks. But contrary to opinion, if he doesn’t see anything past that, he’s not going to ask for your number or a date. (Unless he is that shallow, in which case you don’t want him to call anyway.)

 

5. 5. Use body language – lean in, touch.
   Again, scary, I know. Just swipe his arm gently or brush against his hand. A great tip is to touch him when he’s talking about something he thinks is pleasant or special. He will associate your touch with that good feeling. (Cool, huh?)

This can be scary, I admit. But it works! And once you do it a few times, you’ll realize that it’s fun! Everyone who has done it – including me – ends up being friendlier overall in their lives. That always opens up possibilities…and isn’t that so much of what this is about?

So grab your courage, keep your eyes on the prize, and make a plan. Then it will be time to get out, be seen and connect!

Click here to read the next key.

Key #3 to Finding Hope and Finding Him: Shed Your Stuff

This is the third in a series of articles sharing my 5 Keys to Finding Hope and Finding Him. The 5 Keys are:

M - Me and Me first.
A - Assess your list.
S - Shed your stuff.
T - Time to get out and Trail blaze.
R - Real women find their man.

This was the topic of my free telecall last week and of my upcoming telecourse: Mastering the Mystery of Meeting Men after 40.

I know you are a fabulous, smart, accomplished woman who has created a good life for herself. You’re probably here, though, because there’s a missing piece. It’s likely that you’re still looking for love because there’s something standing splat in your way. And that something is probably You.

Falling in love in your 40s, 50s and beyond is spectacular, and I see it happening around me every day. When two grownups connect, it seems easy and drama-free. You’ve both learned so much about yourself, people and life, and sharing that can be quite lovely.

But dating over 40 has its challenges: one of which is the layers of stuff that’s been piling on for years and years. Between our parents, the media, our unrequited crushes and our exes, it’s no wonder we have some beliefs about dating and men that may not be too positive.

Do you ask yourself:

• Why am I not meeting any men?
• Why am I always interested in men who have no interest in me?
• Why do I go for the noncommittal guys?
• Why don’t they ever ask for a second date?
• Why do men only want sex from me?

If you are experiencing patterns like this, it’s likely that you have some limiting beliefs standing in your way. These beliefs become your truth, and those truths are with you every day, creating roadblocks as you make your way through the world.

You may be very clear about some of your roadblocks, and others may be a complete mystery. I want to help you get to your truths. First, identify them by completing these sentences:
I am _______________
Men are  _______________
Dating is  _______________

Write these down, and then complete them with whatever comes to your mind without censoring yourself. Just keep writing.
———
The following are beliefs that came up the other night in a workshop I led with 20 single women. Do any of these sound familiar?

~I am… not the kind of gal who finds love; too busy for a relationship; only into guys who are tall, young, rich, funny; destined to be alone forever.

~Men are…only interested in sex; superficial, users; out for themselves; clueless; liars; going to hurt me; not interested in me.

~Dating is…painful; a waste of time; stupid; too hard.

Now, let’s look at the truthfulness of your beliefs. Before you do, I want you to do two things:

1. Grab your Grownup Girl. She’s the one who makes good decisions, knows what she wants and how to get it, is nurturing and caring, has  other loving and meaningful relationships in her life, has accomplished and overcome a lot, and is pretty darn smart.
2. Take a few minutes to think about the relationship you would love to have in your life. What is it like between the two of you? How do you want to feel with him? Write down some of those feelings.

When you’re done, review your lists. And ask yourself: Is This True?

Here’s why this really matters: your truths turn into behavior, your behavior turns into actions, and your actions create consequences. When you believe that ALL men are liars, how can you possibly trust a man. How do you think that translates to behavior? Do you interrogate him, hoping to “trip him up?” Are you tense and holding back? Do you read into things he says or does? If you do anything like this, he will see it and react accordingly. (If you think you’re covering it up, btw, you’re not. Men are smart and observant when they are seriously looking for a life partner.)

To help you, you may want to explore the origin of the belief. Is your belief based on:

• Being indoctrinated with someone else’s truth
• Misinformation
• Old news
• Fantasy
• Reaction to a particular previous experience
• Protection from [fill in the blank]

When you believe something, you tend to look for validating evidence. It’s human nature. What you think to be true…is. Because You created it.

Ralph Waldo Emerson said “Most of the shadows of life are caused by standing in our own sunshine.”

It’s time to shed the stuff that’s getting in your way of enjoying yourself and connecting with the right men. If you find your belief to be false, dump it. It is no longer serving you. It’s keeping you from your goal of finding that man to share the rest of your life.

Click here to read the next key.

Key #2 to Finding Hope and Finding Him: Assess Your List

This is the second in a series of articles sharing my 5 Keys to Finding Hope and Finding Him. The 5 Keys are:

M - Me and Me first.
A - Assess your list.
S - Shed your stuff.
T - Time to get out and Trail blaze.

R - Real women find their man.

This was the topic of my free telecall last week and of my upcoming 8-part telecourse starting October 17.

Most of you probably have a list of what you want in a man. It may not be on paper…but you have one. It usually includes things like:

✴               Honest

✴               Tall

✴               Funny

✴               Good looking

✴               Financially stable

When I was doing the work of shifting and learning so I could find my ideal mate, I realized these were just a bunch of adjectives. They didn’t give me any real help in visualizing the experience of the man who would truly make me happy…forever.

So I did it differently, and it led me to my perfect partner. Now when I do this step with my coaching clients, I have you do it the same way. We dig deeper, and I ask you to start thinking about the man and the relationship that will fulfill you and make you happy – not just for a night or a few months, but for a lifetime.

Being a good date and being a good life partner can be very, very different. Many of us, me included, tend to pick based on whether he’s a good date. That has nothing to do with whether he’ll be a good husband.

I know…you deserve to be picky, right? But picky isn’t a good thing and doesn’t tend to serve us well. There is another way to look at how you make your choices.

Christie Hartman, PhD, the author of It’s Not Him, It’s You, makes a brilliant distinction between being picky and being discriminating.  Picky, she says, is being fussy. It’s when you require close attention to all details, reveal a sometimes-extreme concern for niceties, and are choosy or fastidiously selective.

On the other hand, discriminating is when you mark or perceive the distinguishing or peculiar features of something; distinguish or differentiate: make a distinction; use good judgment.

See the difference?

One of my telecourse clients once did this exercise like this:

I am picky when I eliminate someone because of how he looks (short/worn clothing) or when he acts a little shy. I am discriminating when I eliminate someone because he lives in his mother’s garage, asks to move in with me on a first date, has little education or hates to touch.

Here is part of the exercise I did for myself and do when I am coaching. It’s my unique way of digging in and getting to what will make you happy in the long run:

• Start with how you want to feeeel.
• Translate that to a quality and behavior.

As an example: We all have “tall” on our list, right? Most women do, and they consider it a must-have. But why? Why do you want him to be tall? How does it make you feel when you’re with a tall guy? Do you feel attractive? Feminine? Safe?

Now I ask: Is that the only quality a man can have that makes you feel that way? What if he’s of incredibly strong character, confident, treats you like gold, is always interested in making you happy, finds you incredibly beautiful and sexy…would he also have to be tall?

Does that open your mind at all? Do you see how starting with how you want to feel creates some different views of the man you’re looking for?

If you’re looking for the man who’s going to share your life and stay with you through thick and thin, he needs to be more than a good date! The truth is that you need to see his character and behavior to know if he’ll be a good partner for you. A simple list doesn’t do that for you.

And here’s an important note: there really is no such thing as perfect, ladies. If I had gotten my fantasy, Larry would be rich and a few inches taller. If he got his, I would be rich and many pounds lighter.

But we both had clarity about what was really going to make us happy in our lives. We saw that the other had those qualities, and we picked each other for life. We absolutely love each other and our life together.

Lori Gottlieb, the author of Marry Him: the Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough,  got it right when she said:

I discovered that finding a guy to get real was the real love story.

Figuring out Who is He and Getting Past your current list is Key #2. What do you truly need to feel happy, safe and loved the rest of your life? Get that clarity and see how you start becoming a much better man-picker and man-attractor.

Click here to read the next key.