How Asking for What You Want Gets You…What You Want

I want to share the story of Debbie and Bill.  I think it’s a perfect example of how and why you should let a man know what would make you happy and what you expect while dating.

1. Debbie and Bill meet at a party. They leave the party and go out to a club.
2. They connect, have tons in common, have tons of fun, and Bill is pretty damn hot.
3. They each say, “That was fun! Let’s do it again!”
4. Months pass with texting, emailing, and an occasional call; but no in-person connection because…well…he doesn’t ask her out.
5. Bill disappears.
6. A few weeks pass, and Debbie calls Bill. He nicely tells her he is seeing someone else.
7. Debbie, on Bobbi’s advice, gives Bill her best wishes, and tells him that she’s still interested, and if it doesn’t work out, she’d like him to get in touch. (Yes, really! Put your ego aside because people have short romances all the time. Nothing shameful about sticking around and being available if his didn’t work out.)
8. A couple months pass, and Bill texts: wanna have a drink tonight?
9. Debbie (who is dating but still hasn’t met anyone special) meets him (bad move). They drink, talk, have fun, and share a juicy yummy kiss or two.
10. Bill disappears.
11. A month or so passes, Bill sends an “I’m interested/wink” kinda thing to Debbie on her online dating site.
12. Debbie (who is sure Bill is “The One”) wants to email back and say “Hi! Nice to hear from you.”  Rather, on Bobbi’s advice, she writes:

Hi B.,
It was nice to see that we have so many interests, needs, and beliefs in common. I guess I’m just too old, and truly know what I want, to play any more games. I’m sure you’re busy, but if you are interested in getting to know each other better, you have my number; call me. I would be happy to have dinner with you.
Hope you do find the true happiness you are looking for.
D.

13.  Bill calls Debbie within a couple hours, and asks her out to a nice dinner for the next Friday night.

Debbie has shifted the dynamic of their relationship. How this will end is yet to unfold, but here’s the point: You are a mature woman dating to find love. Respect yourself enough to insist on being treated special and seriously; especially after a few encounters with a man. If a man you’re interested in isn’t treating you this way, tell him kindly what you want and give him the chance to do it. If he does, that’s good! It shows he cares for you and wants to make you happy. If he doesn’t, accept nothing less and leave.

Gotta go. Be good to yourself.

p.s.: Great work Debbie!!!  I know it was difficult for you…but you rocked it!

Read my new ebook Finding Meaningful Love After 40 to learn how to joyfully look for and find the man you dream of and deserve….JUST by being yourself!
Pssst…I think you’ll find you have many of the tools already.

Kindness…With Men: Dating Commandment #4

Today’s post is the last, but maybe the most important, in my series on Kindness…With Men. It’s about being kind to yourself by allowing for mistakes and some icky feelings…and being patient with yourself as you grow and learn. Remember, you may hit some bumps, but stay with it. You’re moving toward achieving something extraordinary in your life.

Kindness…With Men:  Dating Commandment #4

Be kind to yourself. When you really go for it and put yourself out there, you may act a certain way, have certain feelings, or make decisions that you later feel bad about or regret. Show yourself the kindness you deserve by giving yourself second chances and allowing for mistakes.

As you already know, there can be some difficult times during your search for love. Like other times in your life when you’re working toward a better future and achieving positive change, you have to allow yourself room to learn and improve. Every new man you speak with, every date, every email…it all takes courage. Just keep this in mind, and remember that there is a learning experience in every single effort you make.

Not showing yourself the understanding and kindness you deserve simply sabotages your efforts, or even worse, paralyzes you. I have these two tips:

1) be your best cheerleader and,
2) build a support squad.

Harsh self judgments are most often your insecure 18 year old talking to you. Tell her to just stop! Have those needed conversations with yourself about how much you have overcome and achieved in your life, how much you know and can do, and what a deserving and remarkable woman you are. Remind yourself that, as an accomplished and independent woman, you are not defined by one act or what one man thinks of you.

And always have friends to call on when you need support. Your friends want to be there for you. Here’s my best advice:don’t look to those friends that respond with the requisite “yah, he’s a jerk” every time you have a bad experience. Your real friends – the ones that are wise and grown-up enough to see you and see men as good people trying to connect – will point out when you’re in need of a positive shift or a soft smack upside the head. (Sorry…is that too harsh?) But truly, a good friend will support you with both honesty and empathy. If you don’t have these types of friends, seek the help of family, a therapist, or a dating and relationship coach like me who you can trust to gently support you.

Exercise:

My eBook is filled with exercises, personal reflections, and action items. These are designed to help you as you continue to learn and make personal shifts that lead you closer to finding your good man (and help you have fun along the way!).

Ask yourself this question, and then take the next action:

In what ways do I show kindness to the women I meet and know?

Commit to approaching your next 3 dates with the initial acceptance, open-mindedness, and generosity you would show a new woman you meet.

Gotta go. Be good to yourself.

If you’d like to read the entire Kindness with Men series of posts, they are here. You can learn more about my eBook here.

Kindness…With Men: Dating Commandment #3

Today’s post is an excerpt from page 20 of my eBook “Finding Meaningful Love After 40: 7 Secrets to Help You Confidently and Happily Meet Your Mate.” It’s about not using your computer as a shield or a weapon while dating online.

Kindness…With Men:  Dating Commandment #3

Online dating is still dating. If you’re dating online – or as my friend calls it “meeting online” – all the rules of kindness still apply. Just because you are sitting behind a computer, or you have men queued up, it’s no reason to forgo the niceties.

Take this story recently shared by my friend Jan, who has been doing online dating for quite some time. (Jan, btw, could benefit from making some shifts before she can be a successful dater.) A man emailed her recently and the content of the email was merely a copy-and-paste of his profile. Jan instantly took offense, thinking he was being lazy and should have taken the time to send a personalized email. So she shot back an email asking him if he “even knew what the hell he was doing?” I know where she was coming from: she was burnt out and frustrated that she hadn’t met a special man yet. But that was unkind, and lacked empathy. She knew that after she clicked “send” – but it was too late. When she re-read his profile, she found that it was his second day online. Ouch! Imagine how he felt after receiving her brusque email. Do you think her lack of kindness affected this man’s confidence going forward? I think it absolutely did.

And maybe, just maybe he was a nice guy she would have had some fun with. Maybe she could have learned something from him, or he would have been the perfect guy to introduce to another single friend. She’ll never know.

Just like in other areas of your life, when you jump to what I call “bad behavior” out of fear, frustration, or disappointment, you risk missing an opportunity or losing something you already have. Ask anyone that has known me more than a few years, and they’ll tell you that I know this story oh too well. My fears and insecurities expressed themselves as sarcasm and impatience. Not quite the attributes of a successful dater. (Or successful friend for that matter.) I had to learn to pay attention to the signs, which for me meant feeling hurt, disappointed, or unappreciated. And once I recognized the feeling, I practiced the “count to 10″ method. It goes like this:

1. Feel bad.
2. Put a name on the feeling.
3. Count to 10 while assessing the situation.
4. Take action (if necessary)

By forgoing quick reaction, more times than not I avoided bad behavior. I usually realized that the ickyness was about my feelings of being less-than; that the person in front of me meant absolutely no harm. Not only does this help me avoid hurting someone’s feelings, it most often eliminates my bad feelings.

Learn to step back and count to 10 before you click that send key; and in all aspects of your life.

Exercise

My eBook is filled with exercises, personal reflections, and action items. These are designed to help you as you continue to learn and make personal shifts that lead you closer to finding your good man (and help you have fun along the way!).

Action: Devise a way to spot your bad behavior and avoid it. For instance: if sarcasm is often your defense, commit to paying special attention when telling a “joke” or trying to elicit a laugh. That should hoist a red flag and raise your consciousness of what you are saying and why. Once you recognize it, decide how you will avoid negative reaction.

If you’d like to read the entire Kindness with Men series of posts, they are here.

Gotta go. Be good to yourself.

Kindness…With Men: Dating Commandment #2

Today’s excerpt is from page 17 of my ebook “Confessions of the World’s Worst Dater: Her 7 Secrets to Finally Finding Love After 40.” It’s about empathy, which means extending the kindness of being able and willing to put yourself in a man’s shoes when you date.

Kindness…With Men: Dating Commandment #2

Be empathetic. Empathy isn’t just about relating to someone, it’s about being willing and able to consider what they want and need – outside of what you want and need. When they say “put yourself in their shoes,” it means look at it from their perspective – not yours. To do this, you need to do the work to understand how men think and feel differently than we do.

A great example of this is something I hear constantly from my clients. It’s a first date, and the man asks her to pick a place to go for dinner. She’s irritated, and I hear: “I want a real man who will take charge or “He can’t be that interested if he’s not willing to plan our first date.” She’s decided he’s a putz, and the poor man has very little chance of recovery.

Are there men who do this because they are lazy or unimaginative? Yes. But they most often do it because they like you and want to please you. A smart man figures that the best way to please a woman is to take her somewhere she likes. It’s that simple. From his perspective, he’s doing a caring thing that proves his interest in you. And when you judge that negatively, trust me, these guys scratch their heads and just don’t get why it’s a strike against them.

In this case, empathy would mean forgoing the knee-jerk reaction (which is all about you) and trying to understand the man’s motives. To do that successfully, you need to be willing and able. Reading this book is a good beginning; but it’s very possible you’ll have to invest more time in learning about how men think and feel. Unless you have a good understanding of this, no matter your intent, you just won’t be able to successfully extend this kindness.

Exercise

My eBook is filled with exercises, personal reflections, and action items. These are designed to help you as you continue to learn and make personal shifts that lead you closer to finding your good man (and help you have fun along the way!).

Here are a couple questions to ask yourself about your kindness with men:

1. Am I willing and able to show empathy for men? Is there more I need to do or learn?

2. Do I let any of my own insecurities or previous bad experiences affect how I feel about men I meet and date?

To learn more about How to Confidently and Happily Meet Your Mate, click here.

Gotta go. Be good to yourself.

(Read Dating Commandment #3: Online Dating is Still Dating)

Kindness…With Men: Dating Commandment #1

Today’s excerpt is from page 16 in my ebook. It’s about putting aside your harsh attitudes based on fear and past experience, and extending kindness to the man sitting in front of you. Not only is it the right and nice thing to do, it will exponentially open up your dating and romance possibilities.

Kindness…With Men – Commandment #1

Hold your judgments. Quick judgments are often in response to a lot of things that have nothing to do with the man sitting in front of you. You would want him to judge you based solely on what he sees in you; not what he saw in the last three women he dated. You owe him the same kindness.

That means when you meet a man who has a job, a haircut, stature, or a sense of humor that you “instantly” don’t like, stop! and take time to see him as a complete person. Show him the same initial acceptance and generosity that you would show an acquaintance or the woman you meet at a business mixer. Doing this not only shows kindness, but it makes your chances of meeting a fantastic man far greater.

This was a huge epiphany for my client Diana. I worked with her on this our first couple sessions. She saw her propensity to judge very quickly (out of self-defense, by the way) and she vowed to “go out with compassion” and not judge men so quickly.

This was an instant change in her experience. With this awareness, and a little practiced self-talk, she suddenly saw many men who were possible suitors. That’s only because she gave them a second chance when one thing about them bugged her. Funny how if you can get past the way a man dresses or uses his fork, you often end up seeing a nice guy who might be okay to spend some time with.

Next…Self Awareness…With Men.

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