A Man-Fan’s Fiercely Honest Story of Dating after 50

Share the Love...Share on Facebook88Tweet about this on Twitter0Share on LinkedIn0Share on Google+0Pin on Pinterest1Email this to someone

OK, Ladies, you want the honest, real, unvarnished truth about what a commitment minded, nice, cute, professional, divorced 54 year old man really wants from you? Are you ready for the truth? Can you handle the truth? Of course you can. You are grownup and you understand how important it is to be empathetic. You also know that really understanding men is a key to finally writing your own grownup love story.

LM is a man-fan of mine. Yes, Date Like a Grownup has man-fans! They are mostly the male counterpart of you. Nice, successful, decent people who find themselves single at this time in their life. They want love, companionship, romance and commitment and are doing their best to navigate the rocky shores of dating over 40.

LM really says it best, so here is what he has to say after reading my Femi-Type series.

LM Headshot-Single Man over 50

Thank you LM for your generosity, I’d date you for sure!! Bp

Please thank Bobbi on my behalf. As a guy she’s been a tremendous help in terms of understanding and relating to women in the 50+ age group. She’s a much better writer than we have on the guy’s side of things! Bobbi brings up things I would never have thought of.

Personally, I find the biggest obstacle, and most commonly occurring is type 4 the Wow- me woman. Even as a guy it is rough out there and this Wow me attitude is so prevalent and SO discouraging.

I’m no slouch: tall, trim, own my own business, nice guy to a fault. What do women say? “L, you are kind, decent, funny, and attractive but I just don’t feel enough “electricity” (aka infatuation) so I’m going to have to end it.”

The biggest obstacle I face it is meeting this expectation of “rock me to my soul connection” fantasy man that even they can’t explain. Whatever it is, apparently I don’t have enough of it. Maybe they carry it at Costco! In thinking about it, I’m not even sure when they say that, it’s the real issue. These women have been emotionally abused, disappointed, betrayed and they are just so hard wired to not get hurt again. Understandable. By setting unattainable standards (fantasy man) they ensure they will never again let somebody close enough to them to hurt them again. But then, I only took one psych course in college……

I like to keep things simple. All I want, to use an old fashioned term, is a girlfriend. Somebody I can take out to dinner on Wednesday, a picnic on Saturday, and talk to or text during the week. How hard can that be?

Getting dates isn’t the problem, it’s converting just one to girlfriend status that has been the challenge. I get an enormous volume of contacts but these fifty year olds are like herding cats on caffeine. They come, they go, they re-appear. One second they’re super interested and then a day later it’s “hmmm, well, I’m not sure, yes, no, maybe, catch me if you can”. They break up with me and then come back to renegotiate what I could best describe as a non-physical/friends with emotional benefits/rental husband offer (which doesn’t sound too appealing to me to be honest). They’ll text me non-stop for an entire weekend, totally disappear, and then email me ten days later.

“Rules Girl” tactics are common: don’t return phone calls or texts for 48 hours, don’t pick up the phone for scheduled phone dates, etc. (This is another “Bobbi’s right”, fifty year old guys hate that type of stuff.) A woman who will initiate a few ‘how’s your day going?’ texts and return texts within a few hours gets moved to the top of my list just because it’s so rare.

I’m starting to get an inferiority complex. My new ‘to do’ list: new deodorant brand, check teeth for broccoli, get prison gang tattoo and rob a convenience store to dispel nice guy image….

At this point becoming a priest is looking pretty appealing.


Whew! Did any of this sound familiar? The disappearing, the game-playing, the crazy expectations, the mixed messages? His frustration and his feelings of helplessness and inadequacy?

When it comes to dating and relationships, men and women’s experiences aren’t so different…unfortunately.

LM said: …women have been emotionally abused, disappointed, betrayed and they are just so hard wired to not get hurt again. I was that woman for a couple decades. My Wall of I Dare You did it’s job expertly. It protected me from ever giving any man of quality a chance to see me or touch my soul.

When I knocked down that wall, and learned some new things, my heart opened and my love came into my life.

I LOVE LM! What a smart, funny, loving man! He told us that he loves women, “if only they weren’t so complicated.” And he graciously gave me permission to publish his email because he wants to help women understand more about how men feel, what they want and don’t want. He wants to help us all make better human connections!

Even if you don’t see yourself in his description, I hope just knowing the crazy dating gauntlet guys go through will help you have compassion and understanding. And most of all, open you up to guys like LM who may not dazzle you on a date, but would make a fantastic partner or husband. Good guys like LM are out there just looking for a wonderful woman just like you…just let down your wall and loving things will happen! Happy hunting…and btw LM is online. That’s all I’m allowed to say. :)

So tell me what you think? Do you see yourself or anyone you know in LMs description of the women he’s meeting? Would you email him if you knew what you know about him now? I think he’s SO hot!

And SHARE THIS with your friends via Facebook…they need this info too, right?

Share the Love...Share on Facebook88Tweet about this on Twitter0Share on LinkedIn0Share on Google+0Pin on Pinterest1Email this to someone


  1. Kiran says

    I DO think LM is hot! Just for what he thinks and says. But that’s exactly how a single woman in her 50s (me), smart, reasonably good looking, funny (I’ve been told), warm and friendly, feels in the dating scene. I met a guy who wanted to text incessantly – he was funny and intelligent in his messages so I continued too – but every time I suggested meeting, he just had something to do that weekend. If he wasn’t interested in me, I could’ve taken that. I don’t have to be everybody’s cup of tea. But he wanted to stay connected and that’s all. And he’s on one end of the spectrum which is heavy at the ends. There’s this type and then the other type who after a single date falls in love…. Oh for a man who wants to meet me perhaps once a week or a fortnight, make some plans together, give me space to do my own thing, and who will let a friendship develop before the L word is spoken… Ah! Well, LM should know that women have the same problem that he does…

  2. Wendy says

    What women want is not infatuation. We want men to spend time/energy to know us, just to get to know us, a real us. But this is very hard to men. Agree?

    • says

      Hi Wendy, I honestly don’t think it’s any harder for men than women. I’ve talked to thousands of women, and we go for “the buzz” just as much as men do. So many of us make such quick decisions about who is ‘right for us’ and who we are willing to take time to get to know. If you are thinking men are worse because they are so visual, it’s true that they are. But I actually I see GROWNUP men do a pretty good job at getting a sense of a woman when they are with her. If she seems open, fun, spirited, compatible in some ways…he will likely want a next date. What they won’t do is “climb your wall.” You gotta be the open, REAL YOU from the get go. You’re right that, unless you do that, they won’t spend any time trying to know you.
      If you can use support for this, btw, be sure you are on my mailing list and you will get info soon about a program I’m offering that helps you learn how to date in a way to FIND LOVE. That’s what it’s all about, right? You can sign up in the upper right of my blog page.
      Great comment. Thanks!!!

  3. says

    …and after reading the ‘Wow Me Women’ bit on the blog, those are seemingly the women I counsel..except their guys have run off, and they have zero ability to move on. Wow..really.

  4. Paula Adams says

    I cannot count the number of guys I encounter in their 50s just out for a roll in the sack. The first thing I am told is the size of their package. I want a man I can talk to that cares about me, that we have a life outside the bedroom. I definitely want someone healthy enough for sex, but I want more than just sex.

    • says

      Hi Paula, I have to say that this is uncommon. If you’re getting a high number of guys who just want to hop in bed then here are a few things to consider:
      1. Are you taking care to try to meet grownup guys? If they are mentioning anything sexual in the first communications, there’s a good chance you will be wasting your time even meeting them. Grownup men don’t do this.
      2. Are you being clear about what you are looking for? It’s okay to tell men right up front that you want a real relationship. (Again, I talked about this is Session 4.)
      3. Are you sending any signals that you might be game? They don’t have to be overt. Simply putting up with over-the-top flirting, double entendre, etc. may tell him you’re game.
      Hope this helps!

  5. Thuraya says

    Hi, LM and hi to all of you. Just wanted to add my input: LM, would never go out with you. The ‘all I want is a girlfriend to text every now and then and to take out on Wednesday’ doesn’t work for me, simple as that. You don’t need to ‘rock me to my soul connection’, just being there for me the other 6 days of the week, and yes, all what I’m looking for is a husband, no mistifications, no ideals, just down-to-earth, no fuss, simple, solid, committment. Will never understand why men are so easy to buy houses and invest their money in finances ventures, but then they make such a fuss when it comes to marriage or comiitted relationships.

  6. What4 says

    Free advertising for LM: Today he’s a rockstar.
    I don’t buy it. He is a nice guy but is just as clueless as other men.
    He doesn’t want to be your best friend, your mate, your partner.
    He wants to go on a picnic. Dinner. Well shoot ,,,so doe severy other
    guy who just want to “date” casually (meaning, hook-up and have never ending,
    non-monogamous relationships. )Heck, I would still be married to my ex
    if he had actually been committed to it. He was a nice guy too, but he was also Peter Pan.
    LM does not address the future. At our age, we need to plan…retirement, family affairs, LTC, paying off mortgages and taking care of our elderly folks.. At least discuss it. Don’t try to hide your lives from each other.
    We don’t need any more dreamers to flop in and out of our lives just because it appears we are desperate.Men seem to believe that older women are all desperate. I’m not desperate., but some of these replies here sound just like that .This isn’t a job interview, girls. It’s a relationship-two people who click and want to be together, through thick and thin.

    We only want all men to grow up and finally take on adult responsibility with a woman. If there was no pay off in committed marriages, no one would have ever, in the history of time, continued a marriage. If you think alike and have the similar interests and plans, it’s a natural match, Be yourself. Present both your attributes and baggage, because you both have some .Learn to recognize the difference between those who are looking for a place just to hang their hat for a while and sticking around for the whole show. If LM wanted a long-term relationship, he would have mentioned it.

    • kj says

      This guy’s email waves all sorts of red flags for me. He wrote:

      “I like to keep things simple. All I want, to use an old fashioned term, is a girlfriend. Somebody I can take out to dinner on Wednesday, a picnic on Saturday, and talk to or text during the week. How hard can that be?”

      So … date on a weeknight? What’s he doing Saturday night? Exhausted from picnicing?

      If a guy wanted to date me on weeknights and weekend afternoons my 1st thought would be he’s married.

      This guy sounds like he wants a ‘girlfriend’ for a couple days a week action and some keep-in-touch texts in between. He wants stress relief in the form of a woman. No wonder the women he meets treat him in exactly the same way.

      Those women are sending a clear message that they don’t want to fit into his schedule and no amount of blaming them makes his meager offer of ‘girlfriendhood’ any more palatable. He wants a free prostitute from what I’m reading. Sorry but I’m blunt at this point of my life :)

      • says

        OMG! You are so right on! I have this male friend who texts me once a month to just say “hi”! It’s like he’s keeping me as an option on the back burner. This has been going on for a year now. I’ve never slept with him and only went out to lunch with him and had him over for dinner once. Never again! He didn’t try anything, but I think he’s a taker and not a giver! I’m done with his games. I’ve been avoiding him now for almost a month. I can’t wait until he tries to contact me via text again because this time I’m not responding!

    • Kathy says

      If LM is near Jacksonville Fl, I would love to give him an opportunity to meet a nice girl that is looking for a nice guy. No games, just friendship good times, and honesty. Nice guys are hard to find in my neck of the woods and truly I stopped looking a few years back. It sounds like we have both been “banged up” in this relationship world and I am just ready to meet some great “to the core” guys!

  7. says

    If LM is in or near Charlotte, NC I’d love to meet him. I’d love nothing more than a guy who likes my dog, likes to garden, take road trips, teach me to cook! I’m pretty low maintenance but finding a nice guy (post divorce) just hasn’t happened. Please add me to the list of potential girlfriends for LM!! Best/Geri R

  8. Marie says

    A few thoughts that may help LM get off the online dating roller coaster. First, take a break from online dating! It can give you a fresh perspective and make you less jaded. Secondly, you mention you “get an enormous volume of contacts.” Many men I know wait for women to contact them rather than contacting the women they’re attracted to. They’re just so happy to have women interested! However, most of these women probably don’t have the qualities you’re really looking for. And finally, you mention you’re getting an “inferiority complex”; that may be why you’re ending up in the friend zone. Screen women better, fake confidence, and inject a little romance into your dates. And don’t overshare on the first few dates! Keep it light and fun. Hope this helps.

  9. Wendy says

    Hi Bobbi: Thank you very much for posting LM’s dating experience. He seems like a very self-aware, open, available and vulnerable man, and if he’s interested in dating a beautiful and sweet woman in her 50s in NYC, please let him know I would enjoy communicating with him. LM gives us very valuable feedback on how NOT to proceed during the dating process. So many women in their 50s have been affected by the RULES, which encouraged us to have rigid boundaries, and I feel some women carry this book’s recommendation to the extreme. Ladies, let’s return call, texts and be honest if we need to move on. Let’s treat men the way we want to be treated. I always ask the question, “Would I date myself?”

  10. says

    one other thought on this, after considering…. i HAVE been finding that there is an energetic resonance that is really important from me in a connection. this is whether friends or partnership. this is NOT infatuation. what I have been finding is that when there is a true, deep connection & resonance… my heart is pretty open and i fall in love a little bit right away. however… i am aware that not everyone whom my heart opens to or i am attracted to is relationship material. and i am finding that I do make a pretty quick judgement sometimes based on whether the resonance is there. i’m having a hard time describing this, but it’s NOT infatuation, it’s more what Bobbi described in another article: I know myself, I’m really present, I’m intuitive and sensitive and I can feel if there is a connection I want to follow up on pretty quickly. I’ve also been lucky to start having men with whom i feel a soul mate connection surface in my life (i don’t believe there is just one) so i am starting to get the energetic feeling of what i am looking for. xox

  11. Ann says

    Hi Bobbi. Thanks for posting LMs letter. One of the problems I face with online dating is that some of the men who contact me don’t read what I wrote. For example, I love to dance and I wrote that in my profile, yet when we meet for coffee, and we start to spend time together, they are surprised. What does that say? To me it reflects their need to have someone who just wants to have a partner, but is not really interested In sharing common interests. After a few dates, this comes out from his behavior and I move on. I try to be authentic when I write and talk, and feel good about not just trying to get him to like me. So I date a fair amount and go to a lot of social activities, but no LMs are showing up where I am.

    • says

      HI Ann,

      Great comment. Yah, been there with guys who don’t seem to really want to get to know you. As far as them not reading your profile, they’ve read it enough to know they wanted to meet you. Remember that people are looking at hundreds of profiles with online dating. So if they don’t remember something I encourage you to hold your judgement on that.

      However, if they aren’t paying attention and remembering what you TALK about after you meet…well that’s another story. You know how I say dating is about DISCOVERING…well it sounds like that’s what you’re doing with a few dates then realizing he’s not for you.

      There are tons of “LMs” out there, and there are some specific skills you can have to help you get to know men at a deeper level quickly, so you don’t have to take 3 dates to realize he’s not for you. This also helps you bring out the best in the men you meet, so if he is an LM who is a little dating shell-shocked and maybe a little self protective– you will be able to get to his true, wonderful self pretty quickly.

      I hope you decide to participate in my upcoming Date Like a Grownup Bootcamp. I’ll be announcing it Sept 5 . This is exactly what I’m going to teach you to do. It’s pretty simple stuff and it sounds like with just a few new skills and some more info about men…you’ll be on your way to a great man and relationship! Bp

  12. LLK says

    Bobbi, I’ve heard you talk a lot about having empathy for men, but how do you define early on the fine line between a man who’s heart can heal from just being heard and understood vs the one who will progress into a downward depressed spiral and needs someone to fix it for him. How does a woman be empathetic but not get sucked into their dark hole with them? What are the clues to watch for before getting your heart broken when you realize they need a mommy and have no intentions of standing on their own two feet? I’ve also dated the “nice guy” that the other’s talk about, only to find myself slowly being drug down a dark hole of negativity. How do we as women determine what is a healthy need of empathy in a man vs a man who wants has no intentions of growing and evolving?

    As someone who has given a wealth of empathy only to find myself in unhealthy relationships down the road, it’s only natural to hold back because of past hurts. How do I change this?

    • says

      Here’s an attempt at an answer — from a guy — to: “How do you define early on the fine line between a man who’s heart can heal from just being heard and understood vs the one who will progress into a downward depressed spiral and needs someone to fix it for him.”

      I’m answering from my own perspective of trying to “heal” someone else. (I know, I know: “Physician, heal thyself.”)

      I don’t know if you CAN identify early on.

      Which totally sucks.

      I’ve hung in way longer than I should have in relationships where my partner needed to heal some pretty deep shit, or looked to me to heal it, or (maybe worst of all) I actually thought I COULD heal it.

      Oy, the hubris.

      There were times where I thought things were moving in a healthy, more intimate direction, and then it would get unhealthy again.

      As someone who was craving non-cheesy intimacy, I’d seize on those healthy moments for too long and overlook all the other unhealthy stuff. Until things just kind of dribbled to an end.

      I wish it was tidier.

      Short answer: I’d think if the guy has done — or is currently doing — therapy work, it would be a green flag (is that the opposite of a red flag?).

      Good luck,

  13. Helene says

    Thanks so much Bobbi! He does seem like a great guy. BUT I do want to explain that, for myself, I have realized that I have been subconsciously attracted to men who have problems with commitment, and that those relationships have never worked out for me. At the moment, I am working on myself. I did so when I took a deep breath and really examined my own actions in the past.
    Now, a woman like myself may tell a ‘nice’ guy that she is not interested, after she listens to him telling her how he ignored his ex-wife, wouldn’t go on vacations with her (he said he was always too ‘busy’ at work), mostly dated women who lived out-of-state, etc., and, most importantly, the guy has NO clue why the women had been upset with him, or that he did anything wrong. I have now learned to listen, AND to read the SIGNS that I so readily ignored in my own past.
    I am NOT saying that this man (LM )has a commitment problem at all! But what I am saying is that for all Men & Women who have some kind of pattern (which may include ‘never’ finding dates that work out) I strongly suggest: Examine YOURSELF, and change if you need to. I am also acknowledging that it is NOT easy. I began ‘rejecting’ dates with men who I had always been strongly attracted to in the past starting about 6 months ago. The first time, I was shaking during the tel. call when I told a guy I couldn’t see him. I had to do this because he had previously complained to me he didn’t understand ‘why’ his ex would get angry when he would just ‘take off’ by himself for weeks & merely announce it to his [ex] wife before leaving. Yes – I was shaking.
    I should explain that I am 62 years old, In changing, I feel like I am slowly turning around a Mack truck when it has always gone in only one direction. I also feel like I am in first grade, as I am new at this. Yet – am getting an A+. I just know, deep in my gut, that I truly want to stop suffering and that I must change ME to do so. I don’t blame the men in my past, or even in my present who have commitment issues, and I don’t blame myself either. There is no one to blame.
    I just want so much to find a guy who doesn’t have these issues, and is a good, solid match for myself, and changing myself in this major way is the only way to do so. In my gut, I know that there are men out there for me with whom I can truly be happy and can trust.

  14. Christine says

    Bobbi…longtime! I am so glad to read this from LM’s own lips! Give him my number!! This man is on target. I recently had the same discussion with a man-friend who asked me (of all people!) about this very subject. I referred him to your website. He said women over 50 are hot then cold, like their hot flashes ! Lol! I told him I was over my hot flashes and maybe that’s what he should look for in a woman. I am kidding here but we had a good laugh! I was recently given advice to date like the “rules”. Your advice is much more common sense! Thanks for publishing LM’s view! Seriously, give him my number! Lol!

  15. Noquay says

    It sounds like our dude was dealing with women who are playing the field on line. Men do this too. Frankly, “wow me” type guys make me suspicious; all hat, no cattle. My approach is this; I would meet you, decide whether or not I am or am not attracted physically. I would carefully listen to what you said, your non verbals, decide whether I want another date, keeping in mind that as I am a mixed race eco chick, you may or may not want to date me. Subsequent dates, I am still paying attention. Am I at ease with you, do our values mesh, are you at ease with me? Are you OK driving to my small mountain town, being with my critters, my unconventional house. How and where do you live? I am also ascertaining whether you are who you say you are in terms of health, values, and yep
    socioeconomic level. Do you live within
    your means. Yep, a good many of us
    older, professional chix are protecting
    ourselves from further hurt, exploitation.
    We are a tad defensive because we’ve
    been told repeatedly to settle for folk
    who have chosen to accomplish and be
    far less in life than we chose to.
    Something no older man is ever asked to
    do. You seem like a really good man; at least in my area (mountain west), most older men are not so great, yet feel they deserve super models. They haven’t taken care of their health, appearance, have a lot of baggage, often issues with
    alcohol, drugs, barely employed, if at all.
    I live a very full life, they generally do not
    and resent me for doing “too much”.
    Reject them and you are an entitled
    b@#$%, and here, may wind up being
    stalked. Accept them and you wind up
    supporting an overaged child you quickly loose attraction for. Dealt with both and very recently. I understand folk have hard times; that’s the time to not date and fix the issue, yourself, not look to someone else to fixxit for you.
    Yep, I wish more older men were like you but unfortunately, many aren’t. This is why many sooo many of us older, more accomplished chix are angry, frustrated and horribly lonely, and yes, defensive and wary. We are being asked to be OK with and embrace a very warped double standard.

      • Noquay says

        Not right now. No good jobs in my field and I cannot get enough for my house. I am really working on up classing my home and saving as much as I can to retire early.

    • Marie says

      Hi Noquay,
      I agree with you that there are many men out there who are gold diggers. Quite often they lost everything in their divorce, and they’re looking for a woman who owns a home they can move in to. This happened to me several times when I was online dating. They generally conceal this fact until you meet them, and then hope their charm will win you over.
      Given your unique lifestyle, I can imagine that your pool of men is somewhat limited. I found the best thing to do was to screen men very carefully. But it’s even better to go to events that are of interest to you, which would allow you to meet likeminded men in person.

      • Noquay says

        This is what I do. Usually, the best men for me are older guys that are here for the races we have here. The very fact that they are participating means they must be healthy, non addicted, and financially stable to even be able to do the races. Unfortunately that is only 3 months/year; for the rest of the year, the door is pretty much slammed shut. The on liners willing to drive here do so because they have few options in the cities down the hill. I have thus given up on on line. Too much expense, waaay too much driving just to deal with someone who has lied about who they are or has serious emotional issues. Ironically, dealing with the aftermath of my dads death on my home state the past few times, I have had dinner dates during both visits. These were very successful men with good work ethics so I guess it isn’t
        me. Wish there were more dudes like our poster here and far, far fewer ski bums. Trying to do my best till I can get outta the West.

  16. Juls says

    Thanks Bobbie and LM for such a honest post. Am in New Zealand and recently found your site which I am really enjoying- Being newly single in my 50’s it is good to have some really helpful support and advice. Enjoyed the honesty of the post it was s great to hear it from both sides of the fence – I so wish we men and women could learn to play nicely together instead of putting so many barriers up and over complicating things. One thing i have learned is we all have past life relationship wounds but nobody is in our life to be put through the paces or to pay for the hurts of our past experiences.
    Good luck in your search LM you seem a really honey and dont settle or jump through hoops, the right lady will be there for you sooner than you think. In the meantime if either of you are ever in NZ always happy to catch up for a coffee :)

  17. Sandra says

    I think he is cute and sweet and would go out with him. But is he being straight about what he wants. I mean, I have a home, family, a job and I am not always sure what a man my age wants; I am afraid they want to move in me or vice verse before we learn about each other. I can’t just give it all up. But if I knew he wanted what he clearly states here I would go for it and see how it develops. I don’t believe I clearly understand men of my are. I mean do they want ‘casual’ or what?! Many times They are complex about where they are coming from lol. What a turn of the tables right. But our lives are more layered now so it would seem if you are clear about intentions then the woman you are interested in can be able to make an informed decision. And btw are you being positive because my experience is that men bring alit if baggage to the table and I really want to start off having a fun time- baggage comes later

  18. Kim says

    I can see a little bit of myself in the women he describes, but not because there isn’t enough electricity. I do think it takes time to get to know each other and develop a relationship! For me I think sometimes I give mixed messages…text more often and then maybe pull back a little out of fear of getting hurt again. I’m learning a lot from you! LM definitely seems like a good man…and attractive too! I would definitely date him! East coast hmmm…anywhere near Maryland?

  19. Marie says

    I agree that many women behave like this. Part of the problem is online dating itself. It’s like being a kid in a candy store — who can decide on just one? It’s so unlike real world dating where you might meet one interesting man every few months.

    Equally important, however, is the post-menopausal zest many women are feeling in their 50’s. Most of us were in long-term marriages and raised children. Finally we have FREEDOM and it feels glorious! We don’t necessarily want to be tied down to a man. It’s fun just to do what men were doing in their twenties — dating casually and not getting too serious with anyone. Once the biological clock stops ticking, our priorities change.

  20. Carmen says

    Oh! I sure can relate to the game playing and being afraid to get hurt again excuses, I have come a long way and I have been healing from a bad experience for over 3 years.. I decided to believe in myself as a loving person and date again. I don’t play games and I’m not afraid to open my heart. I met someone 4 months ago and we are doing well. The only thing that we need to work on is communication. I know it will take some time but I am willing to work on it. I want to thank LM for his email about dating over 40. It opened my eyes to what guys think. He’s a nice looking guy and I would date him.

  21. Kathy Miller says

    Hi Bobbi…I really liked LM’s honesty and the feeling he put into his email.
    One thing I have to say is YES…Im that scaredy kat girl…Im trying to work out of it though…
    Interestingly enough I had been dating a man recently who fits the description to a T also…Hummm…
    It was an eyeopener for me “feeling” the confusion and mixed messages he sent, not a sweet or pleasant feeling at all..
    Finally I had to cut the cord, It was all way too confusing for me.
    I dont know about anyone else…but dont we all have to feel some sort of little spark of interest in the man?

  22. DawnJ says

    Very interesting conversation from LM and the responding women. I can understand both sides of the coin as I read these stories. I know that I am guilty of wanting to be attracted the man who I will kiss and yes, I want some kind of initial spark between us to be there for me to “be there”. I am further challenged by the fact that I am a tall woman, 5’9″ in bare feet, and most of the most I meet are my height. I want to look up at a man. I want him to take care of himself as I do myself. I want to meet a man who is interested in dating a 50+ year old woman. That seems to be a near impossibility. I am athletic, into sports, intelligent and can hold a conversation. Both men and women tell me I’m attractive or pretty. One man told me to not go after a man, but rather, let them come to me. My fear, I will live my life alone. Unless I go back to the man that wants me but I have no attraction to. And no, I am not taking that path….

    • Noquay says

      Nope, never, ever, go there!!! Tried that path with the only fit, good looking, single dude here and it was an exercise in emotional battery. Hated my values, lifestyle, pets, goals, embarrassed me publicly to the point of no longer wanting him with me in public, and badmouthed me big time in this small town when I wisely ended things. Dont go there sister, its really bad. Don’t try and force yourself to like a guy you are not attracted to within a coupla dates; grossly unfair to both parties. And yep, I go out of my way to talk to guys here for the races, but often they are married/attached. Dealing with this now; fellow runner, perfect for me in terms of age (60s), education, values, looks, even height. He likes to text me, spend time with me while here but has a hot young girlfriend 4 hrs south of here. You do not need that kind of heartbreak. Funny, I am 5’7″ sans heels and I tower over most men here. Must be the thin air.
      As the last member of family died a month ago (my dad), being alone for good is my new reality. I too want to look up (literally) to, be proud of, a man, to have good, intelligent
      conversation, have someone who
      compliments rather than is a drain
      on, ones life. An equal. I was married to a wonderful man for 12 years so I know that a great rship is, how it should feel. I worked hard to self educate, worked hard in school to lift myself up well beyond my dropout, alcoholic family so that I would never, ever be forced to live that life, subjected to those values again. Now I am told to “settle” for men with those very values, or am called entitled, or be totally alone. If I give the house back to the bank, I can go elsewhere but with incredible debt, no job (older academics have zero prospects these days, been looking for years), abandon my animals, and not have enough to retire on. I’d become the sort of trashy, unethical, down and out, debt ridden person I myself am trying to avoid. Horrible catch-22. Ironically, men here approach me all the time but theyre more in need of a meal ticket/therapist/mommy than a girlfriend. Was really hating on myself, thinking its my mixed race heritage/heavy, muscular legs/ wrong color eyes/ lousy cheekbones, you name it, until I found that ALL women within a huge area of here experience the same exact issues AND it’s why women with options and frequently without, leave. I think LM would agree; men too need to BE the person they want to date. No double standards.

  23. Josephine Colless says

    My 49 year old girlfriend who has been onlinine dating for years read this story with me (I’m a newbie). She said there is no way a man that age would be interested in women over 50, That men his age can get and are only interested in women 10 plus years younger. She really brings me down! Is it possible that she’s wrong?

    • says

      Yep, she is WRONG! Here is the proof. https://www.facebook.com/DateLikeaGrownup/photos/a.163607208113.117752.99314408113/10152656036468114/?type=1&theater. Not to mention LM is particularly interested in women his age. That’s why he reads my blog and is a fan. Also, here’s another article for you. http://datelikeagrownup.com/2013/07/dont-take-dating-advice-from-friends/ (Sorry to your friend, but it’s my job to help you, right?) Keep learning Josephine! Hugs, Bp

      • Alison says

        Wow, Josephine, I sure hope your friend is wrong! I’ve been online dating for a short while (in Italy, in Italian which I’m still learning…) and enjoying some of my contacts. Several (and even a ‘blast from the past’ recent contact from someone I used to work with) have been with much younger men. And one trying very hard to ‘pick me up’ in a social setting one evening. And they know my age, its there online and on my face. But it doesn’t seem to deter those who are interested. They may not be interested in long term, but certainly for ladies who are just wanting to date without serious long term commitment, there are plenty of young guys who tell me they adore older women.

        And thanks to LM for his lovely comments, he’s right – it shouldn’t be so hard! Communicate, tell someone what you want, and if you want to play/have fun and not be serious, let them know up front.

        I’ve also just met someone ‘interesting’ online, (who happens to live less than 500 mtrs from my house! That’s convenient :) ) As far as Im concerned, its honesty all the way. No games.

    • says

      There are definitely 50 year old men who are interested in 50 year old women. I live in a small town and am 40 and unfortunately there are not a lot of men my age so I end up dating men 10 years older. I would really like to date a man my age. In my experience men are opportunists. If they are online and they see a woman 10 years younger that interests them they will go for it but same if she is the same age as he is- it’s more about whether you catch their interest. I actually get a lot of emails from 20-25 year old guys on the dating website… and I’m 40. Most of them just say some variation of, “you’re hot”, and I ignore them because I have already done the cougar thing, I’m looking for a relationship, and any guy who just emails me with, “you’re hot”, regardless of age, is going to get deleted. =)

  24. Laurie says

    Sounds familiar….sooo familiar, in fact. That’s just the sort of thing I have experienced many times as a 50 something woman out there in the dating world.

    Men have been hurt, tortured emotionally and toyed with by women too and thus present a very guarded and suspicious version of themselves. Truth is, we all have to be brave and continue to develop ourselves, heal from our pasts and learn to trust again. Bobbi helps us with that.
    Cheers Bobbi….thanks for all you do for us!

    • says

      Hi Laurie, Wow…you are SO right on. We do have to be courageous and learn what we can about ourselves and men. And you know, from what I’ve seen (and that’s a lot) when a women approaches a man in an open and trusting way, 99% of them respond accordingly. We can be that trusting woman and still take complete care of ourself. It’s not just give it all up or be completely closed. And you’re so welcome. I absolutely LOVE helping you get closer every day to LOVE. Thanks for your comment! Love to hear from you. Bp (PS: Keep an eye out for my new Date Like a Grownup Bootcamp! It’s going to teach exactly this: How to make deep connections with men, but still make good choices and take care or yourself first!)

      • Diane says

        Bobbi, he sounds like a great guy. It seems like so many people are giving mixed messages and at the same time they want others to pay for past relationships. We need to be willing to let our walls down and let others in and allow love to come our way. But we have a certain perceived view of what we think we know what is best for us. In reality, we need to give it over to God and just be ourselves and enjoy the ride. And see what may come our way. I believe God has a great guy for me. I’m just enjoying life and watching for who may come into my life. Thanks Bobbi

  25. PamelaW says

    Great hearing this from a man’s point of view! I don’t think I’m that hot/cool/cold woman he describes, but, maybe when I get busy…maybe there is a little of her in me at times. Unintentional! I am committing to becoming aware of this sort of behavior and stop doing that in my relationships, if I am doing it at all.

    BTW, yes, I’d date him, too! 😀

    • says

      Yay Pamela! That’s what I want to hear: That it increased your awareness and helped you take one step closer to being the best you can be when you’re going on dates. I can’t wait for him to see comments like yours. I know he’ll be thrilled. Thanks! Bp

    • says

      Yup, Susan. I know and it sucks. Wanted you to know it goes for them too. And there are really really nice guys out there. We can “learn how to date in a way have that really brings out our best AND the man we’re meeting…and stop this cycle. Keep an eye out for my new Date Like a Grownup Bootcamp! It’s going to teach exactly how to take control of your dating so you have positive, productive experiences. I’m announcing it next week! Thanks so much for your comment. Bp

  26. says

    LM is a total cutie.
    I’d date him!
    Think he can handle someone who spends a lot of time travelling? That’s been my biggest problem lately; I’d hardly call that”disappearing” but it’s a big challenge for the guys I’ve dated.

    He could join for weekends!
    Girlfriends don’t and the company would be nice!

    • says

      Hi Victoria. With good communication and working together, your traveling should be fine for the right man. And, yep, he is a cutie! But then again, so are you sister! Hugs, Bp

  27. Becky Rourk says

    Wow! Is he within 1,000 miles of Orlando?? Very good for me to hear. I’m sure I’ve done some of those baffling, vexing, head shakers, but not out of brattiness, I assure you! We’re probably all on some level, afraid. Afraid to be vulnerable. But I’m exhausted! Enough already! I vow to be open and really try to connect and not be such a harsh judge…especially on myself! Give LM my email. Ha!

    • says

      Love it Becky! Here, here for your commitment to be more open and loving – both to yourself and the men you meet. I’m going to contact LM and see if there is some way I can connect him with the wonderful women here. Hmmm….I’ll see what I can do. And, yes, he’s on the East coast of the US. :) Remember: It’s your fear of rejection that’s getting you rejected! Hugs, Bp

  28. Nancy says

    I dated a few men who were so “nice” they were indecisive and overly pleasing, which in my experience doesn’t last or evolves into passive-aggressive behavior because he isn’t getting what he wants or needs. The spark for me is a self-confident who knows who he is, know what he wants and isn’t apologetic about it. He knows if the shoe doesn’t fit you move on to the next one. I’ve been in the shoes of the women you are dating. They are keeping their options open because they aren’t sure you are “the guy”.

    • says

      Hi Nancy! Good info for LM, thanks. As far as the “nice guys” I know the guy you’re talking about. He’s not “our” guy. I know, you want the nice guy who also takes care of himself, is confident in all areas of his life and knows how to get what he wants. And he also adores you and will do anything to make you happy, right? He’s out there…I promise. Thanks for being here! Bp

      • Tami says

        I’ve also dated the overly “nice” guy. Funny thing is, on e things got real, after the new part wore off or when an obstacle occurred, I found these type “nice” guys, weren’t really so nice at all. Give me a straight shooter, respectful, but confident any day of he week.
        To me, that’s a true nice guy;-)

    • Lynn says

      I’m in my early 40s. I went on a coffee date with a really nice guy, who was very close to my age, but when he called me to ask me out again, his approach was “you don’t want to go out with me again, do you?” It was very negative and self-sabotaging (and a little passive). It gave me the impression that he still had a lot of post-divorce work to do, because he was just so down on himself. I didn’t go with him again (predictably). Could your nice guys be maybe just a little too self-deprecating? Are they verbally or non-verbally communicating in some way they are a little bit down on themselves? Because that’s as much of a turn-off for women as it is for men.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *