NOT Knowing May Be Key to Finding & Keeping Love after 40

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The mind usually says, “I know, I know, I know.” But the “don’t-know mind” is where wisdom lives. ~ Byron Katie

At this age many of us walk around with the “I know” mind. “Yeah, yeah, I know that. Been there done that. I’ve had loads of experience, several relationships and maybe even a marriage or two.  I’ve done a lot and seen a lot and men are (fill in the blank). They want (fill in the blank).  They never (fill in the blank). They always (fill in the blank).”

But, as Byron Katie so brilliantly states in the above quote, it’s in the “don’t-know mind” that wisdom lives. When it comes to finding and keeping mid-life love, until we put aside what we think we know and open ourselves up to truly hear what men are saying, our understanding and appreciation of them will not increase an iota, nor will our relationships with them improve.

When we finally stop hopin’, wishin’ and prayin’ for men to be the way we want, and start accepting the beautiful reality of the way they really are, magic happens.

In most of my tele-classes, webinars and even on my GGNO broadcast, I make sure to include a grownup man panel. This is where I get together single men over the age of 40 to openly talk about what they really think and what they really want from women.  My only qualification is that the men on my panels must appreciate women and be able to articulate their truth.

I would say that this certainly was true of the man panel I participated in on The Today Show last week. NBC invited me to participate as the Dating after 50 Expert. It was a ton of fun, and I was incredibly grateful that I was given the chance to share my message with so many millions of women.

Watch the Man Panel here and see what the men (and I) had to say about dating and relationships over 50.

(Btw, this was a follow-up to the segment I did the week before where I conducted a Dating Over 50 Boot Camp for 6 wonderful single women. I hope you watch this one too. After you do, I’m pretty sure that you will feel less alone and more hopeful!!)

When you watch the clip you will see that, yes, these guys were being funny, yes they were a bit goofy and yes they were trying hard to entertain the audience. It is TV, after all and two of them are comedians. But for those of you who really listened with a “don’t know” mind, they spoke some real truths about grownup men that you need to know.

Here is their message to us:

  • Teach us what you want from us and then have patience.
  • Use positive reinforcement to let us know when we do something right.
  • We are looking for someone who is a team mate.
  • We want someone to laugh with.
  • We want someone who has their own life.
  • We tell the truth as a general rule. But women don’t always want to hear it.
  • Don’t worry about what we are saying. Worry about what we are doing.
  • If we act like we care, we do.
  • If you want us to talk about our feelings you need to zip it.

(That last one was from me, but all the guys agreed.  I think they were just too nice to say it themselves.)

When we finally stop hopin’, wishin’ and prayin’ for men to be the way we want, and start accepting the beautiful reality of the way they really are, magic happens. By silently listening with a “don’t know” mind we create space for the men to speak freely and without restriction. And we start the process of forming truly satisfying intimate grownup relationships.

What do you think you know about grownup men that you might be open to shifting OR what have you learned that has surprised you? Leave me a comment…I want to hear from you!

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Comments

  1. Dee says

    Bobbi,

    Wonderful!! As you always do, you were able to sort through the funny stuff and find the real feelings of these guys. I came away from this thinking about how the real feelings do surface with men but we women often don’t recognize them. I liked especially “watch his actions.”

    Thanks for sharing this with us.

    Dee

    • says

      Hi Dee! Thanks for your comment. I think you’re right on. Most men do feel deeply. They just don’t know how to express it like we do. But given the chance, it comes out. And then we have to be able to see it and receive it…just like you said. They really are lovely creatures. Gotta love ‘em. Hugs to you! Bp

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