The Dating Over 40 Dilemma : Where Are All the Good Guys?

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I have some news that will both surprise and delight you. Want to know where all the quality single men are?  They are everywhere! There are about 45 million single men over the age of 35 in the United States. About 8 million are over 65. There are about 7 million single men in Britain and 2 million in Australia. And those are just the ones using online dating!

And before you say “Yeah, but all the quality guys are taken or gay,” here are some facts ma’am:

I recently “shopped” for men on  (which is where I met my husband). I looked for men over 40, taller than 5’8″, college educated, non-smoking, social  drinker, making $75,000+. (That’s an above-average income where I live.)

Within only 20 miles of my house there are over 2000 of these guys. 2000+!

And, remember, especially for those of you in more rural areas where there may be fewer available men, you need only ONE!

I think it’s only fair to assume that these 2000 guys are walking around and going places. They’re at the grocery store, bank and dry cleaners. They are playing golf, drinking coffee, and walking their dogs.. Now, all you have to do is learn how to recognize and connect with them.

Here are 5 simple things you can do to start talking with and attracting men wherever you go.

1.  Lighten up on your requirements.

Don’t just pay attention to the guys who are tall and hot looking. If you typically go for only the hotties or your “type”, join the real world and lower your range to (what you might think are) the 6s or 7s. Often when a man speaks, he can become pretty attractive. (Just like when a hot man talks he can quickly become unattractive.) His sense of humor, his wit, his compassion will make him more attractive, but you will only see that if you give him a chance. Sometimes all it takes is a smile to turn a man or woman who seems like a 6 into an 8 or 9.

You know how some men who are 9s and 10s open their mouth and suddenly become a 5 ? Well, believe me, it can go both ways.

This goes for height as well. If you lower your height requirement by just two inches your pool of eligible men grows exponentially!

2.  Look up.

When you’re out and about, look at the people around you. Smile and say “Hi.” Maintain eye contact for a few beats longer than usual. It might feel a bit uncomfortable for the first day or two, but it won’t hurt ,I promise. With a little practice it will be fun.

Start a conversation by asking a simple question. You don’t have to be brilliant or clever. Simply asking “Are you getting hot or cold?” at the coffee shop or “Do you know what time they close?” at the cleaners can lead you to your next husband. It really is that easy. Men absolutely love a friendly and confident woman. That’s exactly what he’ll see when you smile at him and engage him in conversation.

3.  Listen, but not too much.

You can get the conversation started. But as you may know, men can sometimes talk too much, especially when they’re nervous. Give him a break if he’s fidgety, gets overly chatty or starts bragging. It’s probably  because he likes and wants to impress you.

Whatever you do, do NOT just listen and look on adoringly as he goes on and on. Why would he want to see you or talk to you again unless he feels some connection? The only way he can do that is if you share about yourself. So make sure to squeeze in a few “nuggets” about yourself. Get in a few tidbits about  what you enjoy doing, what makes you laugh, or things you care about. Don’t be afraid to be real and show your softness, dorkiness or even nervousness. Real men are attracted to real women.

4.  Get your flirt on.

If you like him, show him some attention. Men love attention from women, and most of them, especially the 6s and 7s, don’t get it very often. We hold back either because we think it’s their “job” or because we’re too freaked out at the chance of being rejected. If you’re interested enough to want him to ask for your number, get his attention by doing this grownup flirting technique:

Compliment him! Men are especially flattered when you show them you admire, respect or trust them. Ask him for his opinion or advice on something. You’ll not only get to know him better, he will feel smart and respected.

Oh, and laugh at his jokes–but only if they sincerely tickle you. He’ll definitely know you like him.

Touching is the surest way to make a connection with a man. Below the elbow is the safest place, or you can brush your shoulder or arm against his every now and then. Actions do speak louder than words. And don’t worry! He won’t think you want to sleep with him: only that you’re interested.

Lean in when you’re talking with or listening to him.

Twirl your hair. Make it look subconscious and playful, but it gets them every time.

Don’t worry that he knows you’re flirting…that’s the point!

5.  Close the deal if he doesn’t.

If he doesn’t ask for your number , don’t hesitate to make a move. You don’t want to ask him out or try to make any specific plans, but let him know you’d say “yes” if he asked.

How to do that without seeming pushy? Clearly show your interest. Tell him “It was fun talking with you. It would be nice to do it again!” Have your business card at the ready if he wants to contact you.

If all else fails, you can even say, “I’d love to continue talking with you. Here’s my card.” That’s not asking him out; it just puts the ball in his court and clearly lets him know you’re available and interested.

So, here is your homework for the week:

I challenge you to cast your net a little wider than usual. Start looking at men who are a few inches shorter, a few pounds heavier and maybe with a little less hair than your ideal. Men who are more in the 6+ range on the “hot” scale. Don’t look at it as lowering your standards as much as increasing your chances of finding a hidden gem of a man.

They don’t even have to be men with whom you want to close the deal. I just want you to practice eye contact and connection, flirting, and opening yourself up to men outside your usual zone.

I want to hear how it goes! Leave me your comments below about your experiences this week. I especially want to hear if you notice  their attractiveness changing, either up or down, once you get to know them. Does it seem like there are more eligible men than before? Were you able to listen as well as sharing your nuggets too?   Did they ask for your number? Were you able to close the deal?

I want a full report! Happy hunting!




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  1. Bren says

    I am following your advice Bobbi……..anyhow I went on a lunch dat with a nice man on Saturday….I think I’m pretty attractive….he looked at me and I could see immediately I was not his type…..very immature 59 yr old guy….he talked about when he meets the right one……totally rude, was glued to his cellphone which I commented on. I told him I was not going to compete with his phone. He was 59 going on 18. Ohhhhh I guess we have to endure some of these too……it’s really challenging but yes I’m believing for the first time in years…it’s ok to keep on. I get lots of looks but few responses. Do you suggest being on more than one dating site at the same time. I do need help with my profile. I don’t like writing essays.

    • says

      Hi Bren! It’s more about getting it right on one site rather than being on more than one site without giving it your very best shot. In the next few weeks I’ll be offering you a new program that helps you do everything from writing a great profile to writing emails that get opened and making good choices in men. This will help you a ton. Keep an eye out. You just have to know some things to help you do online dating the right way. Otherwise it’s frustrating and it doesn’t really get you anywhere. Keep being good to yourself and learning. I’m here for you! Bp

  2. Chelsea says

    Hi Bobbi, I am 44, a divorced woman with 2 tweens at home. I’ve been told I’m very attractive, I’m a professional, who makes 6 figures, own my home, in great physical shape, have a masters degree and a great personality. I’m told I intimidate men. In my profile on match I have stated that character is more important than looks, income or education, but still people look at my profile, but don’t email me.

    What am I doing wrong? Chelsea

  3. says

    I am a 40ish SWM, who was on match for 12 months, and during that period my profile was viewed OVER 7000 times! YES, A man that over seven thousand women took a look at and walked away from without a second thought. Out of that insane number I went out with only 4 women, ONE TIME, and I was even willing to give those a shot at redemption even though they were all late, poorly dressed, snotty, and crass about the male oppression of a first date.

    For background, I’m a former special forces operator, published writer, professional entertainer, and small business owner as well as a great dancer who also brings a massive list of other skills and various perks to the table.

    The most “impressive” introductory note I was sent consisted of 5 total words, that’s it!! The best any of those women could ever string together was barely a sentence, so much for great communication huh?. I replied to EVERY note, regardless of what the woman looked liked, their age, education or social status. Those that I did fancy and wrote to, which was in the hundreds always looked at my page, and read my note 90% of time BUT each one was rude, entitled, stuck up, and had absolutely nothing to offer! Very few were were even mildly appealing, but I gave them all a chance anyway.

    Just so you know, I don’t do sleaze, or robo mails, since I’m sure that will come up as a defense for why all those women 40+ who are so desperate to find a “good man” couldn’t be bothered to put even the slightest effort in their quest for that Mr successful beefcake Perfection fantasy!

    All I saw there, and every other dating site I’ve tried is a never ending stream of single mothers, vine swingers, unkempt and classless women who wasted their youth on thugs and were looking for someone to pick up the tab for their lifetime of bad choices and mistakes.

    You wanna know where the all the “good men” are? We left, we are tired of the abuse, the feminism, the entitlement, and the insults!

    • says

      Hi Troy. I’m glad you left your comment, though it makes me sad. You actually sound like a lot of women I’ve talked to. I hear the disappointment that has turned into bitterness, and anger…it’s all there. You know that there are a ton of good women out there, don’t you? I’m going to tell you what I tell women in your position. (Yes, they have the same stories of horrid online dating experiences.) Please consider that your presentation online isn’t a good one. Whatever you had in your profile and/or pictures wasn’t representing you as the man you described above. There was probably something missing or, more likely, something there that was turning good women off. What may be equally true is that after some bad experiences you became jaded, hurt and pissed off. So maybe your compassion for the women you were in contact with was less than stellar.
      Again, I’m telling you exactly what I tell women in your situation. I KNOW for a fact that there are countless fabulous people online looking for love. It’s your responsibility to put yourself out there in an attractive way AND to approach people with kindness and openness.
      I hope you can take a deep breath and consider some of what I said. The fact is that you can be more in charge of your experience. Just like every woman here, I SO want to see you find a wonderful partner who loves and adores you. Don’t give up. Start thinking of how else you can approach this challenge. There are other ways that work!
      Oh, and Troy, a friendly warning: I suggest you keep our feminism out of the discussion until you can have a meaningful exchange of ideas about it. People interpret that word in many ways and it is very highly charged. I understand that our independence and other masculine behaviors in this day and age can be very confusing to men. But trust me, if you want to piss any woman off, attack the very thing that allowed us to have political power, have careers and plan (ie control) our own lives. Throwing out the “F Bomb” like that is dangerous stuff, my friend.
      Sending you positive thoughts, Bp

      PS: Ladies, I want you to read Troy’s comment with the kindness and compassion of a grownup woman. He is hurt. He is disappointed. You know the feeling. Just please do this before you shoot back some nasty comment. (Now, if you read it that way and still want to be nasty, go for it!)

    • Christine says

      Hey Troy what state do you live in?? You seem like a great catch. I myself have been divorced for 9yrs and still at the dating game. Wish we could connect, one never knows how one could meet theirlast first date.! Christine

  4. Steven Golub ( SG) says

    G’day Bobbi,

    I am a man who is 53 yo and I personally feel that “girls” below 45 are way to young for me, I went out recently, dancing in the most remote capital city on Planet Earth and that is Perth. Well, I met 5 wonderful ladies (in the same group) and all aged in their 50’s. I had an absolute ball!!!!

    Some thoughts as related to your delightful article, which is rather timely and indeed needed:

    1. A man needs a woman in his group, because believe or not girls we love to communicate with somebody who knows where we are coming from (i.e. historical, current affairs and lifestyle, we find it simply sassy when a woman/women can appreciate our world of events)

    2. A man needs a woman of his own age group, because as he gets older

    • says

      Hi Steven, I’m SO glad to get your comment. I can say 1000 times that the men-want-younger-women belief is a myth, but it helps so much to hear it from you. Women over 50 ARE spectacular when we let ourselves just enjoy men and have fun. Thank you! Please keep sharing with us! Bp

  5. says

    I think there are more available men than many women think. If you talk about online dating, maybe you just don’t pay any attention to them because of a poor profile.
    Not to sound mean, but I have met a lot of women who always say they are so lonely, but they have such high expectations that no man would be able to live up to it. Actually, I don’t see why anyone should have to either, but that’s your choice I guess.
    Many of us are not great talkers when it comes to women, and women will pass those guys by all the time. So, what she said about lowering standards makes sense. You just form a snap judgment because he can’t talk well. What about the rest of him? Believe me, men get so sick and tired of that trait women do have. Nor do we see what good it really does you.
    One thing is, a decent amount of single men that are around 40 or so may not want to get married for awhile. Could be divorced or whatever.
    I could say more but this is only a comment, so I will stop here.

  6. Lucy says

    Hi Bobby,

    I’m 45 years old woman, divorce with two small kids, I’m but everyone said I look late 30’s, I take care myself physical, mental, financial and spiritual, I’m a happy person, but yes I do want a man on my side someone I can love and be loved.
    But most of the guys they are interesting on me, they are not on my age range, or they not take well themselves, even not intellect is the same.
    Most of man on my age has the same profile as mine, they not show any interesting on me.
    Even if I start flirty, What do not know what to do it, to at least get one just one person, with the same profile I have be interesting on me.
    What I’m doing wrong,

  7. Diana says

    I was on Match 3 months ago in my huge major city, and even with my spiffy new pictures, the only responses i got from my new profile were guys in their 50s who were the most horrible I’d ever talked to.
    I’m 42. I took the hint and got on TInder. My pool was younger but also very casual.
    I really have no clue what you are talking about.
    The guys my age weren’t responding.

    • says

      Hi Diana, I know it’s really frustrating. There’s a really good chance that your profile isn’t written to attract the right men. Also,I strongly suggest (after you get a great profile) that you write to the men who interest you. It’s great that you have good pics, but there is still more you can do. Keep learning how you can help yourself. I work with women every day who are meeting really nice men online. (Just like I did.) Bp

  8. JH says

    First of all – it’s kind of icky that you call guys “6 or 7’s”

    You seem a little like a 6 or 7 yourself… Are you giving this advice to women who may be over-reaching? Maybe not taking care of themselves as well as they should like you?

    The goal is not to get any man – but to find a relationship that is mutually amazing.

    You say you want a man who adores you – but don’t you want to adore the guy you are with too?
    Settling does not seem like the answer to me.

    • says

      Hi JH, I agree, that does sound icky. But my point was just that: There are many men that women won’t take a second look at simply because of their initial appearance, but these are good men who deserve our attention. You can’t judge if someone would be a potential good mate simply by how they look. And many great looking guys (“9s or 10s”) have made women some pretty bad boyfriends and husbands.
      There isn’t one word I’ve ever written that says women should “settle” for less than a man who will make her amazingly happy. (As you put it.) That is your narrow-minded jump to judgment; not my advice. I counsel women to be kind and have open hearts. Judging by your meanness toward me, I’m hoping that you can learn more about this some day. Wishing the best for you in the love department. Bp

  9. Suzanne says

    Dear Bobbi,

    I have no doubt you found over 2,000 men over 40 with that criteria when you “shopped” on The real issues are:
    a. how many of those 2,000 were interested in women over 40? If you go back to your search
    results, check to see how many had women between 44-49 in their acceptable “willing to date”

    b. how many of those 2,000 weren’t impaired.

    The question isn’t do single men over 40 exist. Of course they do! The question is do they want to date women over 40 and/or are they socially, emotionally, and physically healthy?

    • says

      Hi Suzanne, Thanks for your comment. First, the “men want women younger” thing is a myth. I believed it for a long time too. Take a look at US Census facts here:
      66.9% of men MARRY women who are within 5years of their age. When you look online men put low ages because it’s their silly fantasty. But the PROOF is that they choose women who are close to their age.
      I agree that if you take 2000 single men many will be “unacceptable” partners for you. But I would literally bet that if you had an open mind and open heart, at least a handful of them would be men you’d want to spend time with and get to know. And ultimately, you only need ONE.
      When you’re online and see a guy you like, if you’re a few years within his high range, ignore it! Write him. I’ve seen tons of times when men respond to women who are older than their silly profile criteria. If they like you, most really don’t care. (With the exception of when they want kids, of course.)
      Suzanne, if you hold on to a kind of negative scarcity thing, instead of feeling positive and consciously looking for what’s right in the men you meet (instead of what’s wrong)…you will miss so many good men. There’s a fantastic man out there for you if you’re open to him. I’m hoping FOR YOU! With love, Bp

    • Chris says

      As a 50-year-old man with years of marriage under his belt, good years mostly, I don’t understand the complaints of women here who write that they get no hits on Match or wherever. I always try to respond to someone my age who seems like she’d be fun to talk to and who looks outdoorsy. From my sitdowns, the common denominator is that women would rather be alone than settle, Women write that down, they post it on the Internet, and they tell it to me personally: sorry, no settling.

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