The Dating Over 40 Dilemma : Where Are All the Good Guys?

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I have some news that will both surprise and delight you. Want to know where all the quality single men are?  They are everywhere! There are about 45 million single men over the age of 35 in the United States. About 8 million are over 65. There are about 7 million single men in Britain and 2 million in Australia. And those are just the ones using online dating!

And before you say “Yeah, but all the quality guys are taken or gay,” here are some facts ma’am:

I recently “shopped” for men on match.com  (which is where I met my husband). I looked for men over 40, taller than 5’8″, college educated, non-smoking, social  drinker, making $75,000+. (That’s an above-average income where I live.)

Within only 20 miles of my house there are over 2000 of these guys. 2000+!

And, remember, especially for those of you in more rural areas where there may be fewer available men, you need only ONE!

I think it’s only fair to assume that these 2000 guys are walking around and going places. They’re at the grocery store, bank and dry cleaners. They are playing golf, drinking coffee, and walking their dogs.. Now, all you have to do is learn how to recognize and connect with them.

Here are 5 simple things you can do to start talking with and attracting men wherever you go.

1.  Lighten up on your requirements.

Don’t just pay attention to the guys who are tall or look hot. If you typically go for the 8s or 9s, lower your range to the 6s or 7s. Often when a guy speaks, he can become pretty cute. His sense of humor, his wit, his compassion will make him more attractive, but only if you give him a chance. Sometimes all it takes is a smile to turn a 6 into an 8.

You know how some men who are 9s and 10s open their mouth and suddenly become a 5 ? Well, believe me, it can go both ways.

This goes for height as well. If you lower your height requirement by just two inches your pool of eligible men grows exponentially!

2.  Look up.

When you’re out and about, look at the people around you. Smile and say “Hi.” Maintain eye contact for a few beats longer than usual. It might feel a bit uncomfortable for the first day or two, but it won’t hurt ,I promise. With a little practice it will be fun.

Start a conversation by asking a simple question. You don’t have to be brilliant or clever. Simply asking “Are you getting hot or cold?” at the coffee shop or “Do you know what time they close?” at the cleaners can lead you to your next husband. It really is that easy. Men absolutely love a friendly and confident woman. That’s exactly what he’ll see when you smile at him and engage him in conversation.

3.  Listen, but not too much.

You can get the conversation started. But as you may know, men can sometimes talk too much, especially when they’re nervous. Give him a break if he’s fidgety, gets overly chatty or starts bragging. It’s probably  because he likes and wants to impress you.

Whatever you do, do NOT just listen and look on adoringly as he goes on and on. Why would he want to see you or talk to you again unless he feels some connection? The only way he can do that is if you share about yourself. So make sure to squeeze in a few “nuggets” about yourself. Get in a few tidbits about  what you enjoy doing, what makes you laugh, or things you care about. Don’t be afraid to be real and show your softness, dorkiness or even nervousness. Real men are attracted to real women.

4.  Get your flirt on.

If you like him, show him some attention. Men love attention from women, and most of them, especially the 6s and 7s, don’t get it very often. We hold back either because we think it’s their “job” or because we’re too freaked out at the chance of being rejected. If you’re interested enough to want him to ask for your number, get his attention by doing this grownup flirting technique:

Compliment him! Men are especially flattered when you show them you admire, respect or trust them. Ask him for his opinion or advice on something. You’ll not only get to know him better,he’ll feel respected.

Oh, and laugh at his jokes–but only if they sincerely tickle you. He’ll definitely know you like him.

Touching is the surest way to make a connection with a man. Below the elbow is the safest place, or you can brush your shoulder or arm against his every now and then. Actions do speak louder than words. And don’t worry! He won’t think you want to sleep with him: only that you’re interested.

Lean in when you’re talking with or listening to him.

Twirl your hair. Make it look subconscious and playful, but it gets them every time.

Don’t worry that he knows you’re flirting…that’s the point!

5.  Close the deal if he doesn’t.

If he doesn’t ask for your number , don’t hesitate to make a move. You don’t want to ask him out or try to make any specific plans, but let him know you’d say “yes” if he asked.

How to do that without seeming pushy? Clearly show your interest. Tell him “It was fun talking with you. It would be nice to do it again!” Have your business card at the ready if he wants to contact you.

If all else fails, you can even say, “I’d love to continue talking with you. Here’s my card.” That’s not asking him out; it just puts the ball in his court and clearly lets him know you’re available and interested.

So, here is your homework for the week:

I challenge you to cast your net a little wider than usual. Start looking at men who are a few inches shorter, a few pounds heavier and maybe with a little less hair than your ideal. Men who are more in the 6+ range on the “hot” scale. Don’t look at it as lowering your standards as much as increasing your chances of finding a hidden gem of a man.

They don’t even have to be men with whom you want to close the deal. I just want you to practice eye contact and connection, flirting, and opening yourself up to men outside your usual zone.

I want to hear how it goes! Leave me your comments below about your experiences this week. I especially want to hear if you notice  their attractiveness changing, either up or down, once you get to know them. Does it seem like there are more eligible men than before? Were you able to listen as well as sharing your nuggets too?   Did they ask for your number? Were you able to close the deal?

I want a full report! Happy hunting!

 

 

 

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Comments

  1. Lucy says

    Hi Bobby,

    I’m 45 years old woman, divorce with two small kids, I’m but everyone said I look late 30’s, I take care myself physical, mental, financial and spiritual, I’m a happy person, but yes I do want a man on my side someone I can love and be loved.
    But most of the guys they are interesting on me, they are not on my age range, or they not take well themselves, even not intellect is the same.
    Most of man on my age has the same profile as mine, they not show any interesting on me.
    Even if I start flirty, What do not know what to do it, to at least get one just one person, with the same profile I have be interesting on me.
    What I’m doing wrong,

  2. Diana says

    Gosh,
    I was on Match 3 months ago in my huge major city, and even with my spiffy new pictures, the only responses i got from my new profile were guys in their 50s who were the most horrible I’d ever talked to.
    I’m 42. I took the hint and got on TInder. My pool was younger but also very casual.
    I really have no clue what you are talking about.
    The guys my age weren’t responding.

    • says

      Hi Diana, I know it’s really frustrating. There’s a really good chance that your profile isn’t written to attract the right men. Also,I strongly suggest (after you get a great profile) that you write to the men who interest you. It’s great that you have good pics, but there is still more you can do. Keep learning how you can help yourself. I work with women every day who are meeting really nice men online. (Just like I did.) Bp

  3. JH says

    First of all – it’s kind of icky that you call guys “6 or 7’s”

    You seem a little like a 6 or 7 yourself… Are you giving this advice to women who may be over-reaching? Maybe not taking care of themselves as well as they should like you?

    The goal is not to get any man – but to find a relationship that is mutually amazing.

    You say you want a man who adores you – but don’t you want to adore the guy you are with too?
    Settling does not seem like the answer to me.

    • says

      Hi JH, I agree, that does sound icky. But my point was just that: There are many men that women won’t take a second look at simply because of their initial appearance, but these are good men who deserve our attention. You can’t judge if someone would be a potential good mate simply by how they look. And many great looking guys (“9s or 10s”) have made women some pretty bad boyfriends and husbands.
      There isn’t one word I’ve ever written that says women should “settle” for less than a man who will make her amazingly happy. (As you put it.) That is your narrow-minded jump to judgment; not my advice. I counsel women to be kind and have open hearts. Judging by your meanness toward me, I’m hoping that you can learn more about this some day. Wishing the best for you in the love department. Bp

  4. Suzanne says

    Dear Bobbi,

    I have no doubt you found over 2,000 men over 40 with that criteria when you “shopped” on Match.com. The real issues are:
    a. how many of those 2,000 were interested in women over 40? If you go back to your search
    results, check to see how many had women between 44-49 in their acceptable “willing to date”
    spectrum.

    b. how many of those 2,000 weren’t impaired.

    The question isn’t do single men over 40 exist. Of course they do! The question is do they want to date women over 40 and/or are they socially, emotionally, and physically healthy?

    • says

      Hi Suzanne, Thanks for your comment. First, the “men want women younger” thing is a myth. I believed it for a long time too. Take a look at US Census facts here: https://www.facebook.com/DateLikeaGrownup/photos/a.163607208113.117752.99314408113/10152656036468114/?type=1&theater
      66.9% of men MARRY women who are within 5years of their age. When you look online men put low ages because it’s their silly fantasty. But the PROOF is that they choose women who are close to their age.
      I agree that if you take 2000 single men many will be “unacceptable” partners for you. But I would literally bet that if you had an open mind and open heart, at least a handful of them would be men you’d want to spend time with and get to know. And ultimately, you only need ONE.
      When you’re online and see a guy you like, if you’re a few years within his high range, ignore it! Write him. I’ve seen tons of times when men respond to women who are older than their silly profile criteria. If they like you, most really don’t care. (With the exception of when they want kids, of course.)
      Suzanne, if you hold on to a kind of negative scarcity thing, instead of feeling positive and consciously looking for what’s right in the men you meet (instead of what’s wrong)…you will miss so many good men. There’s a fantastic man out there for you if you’re open to him. I’m hoping FOR YOU! With love, Bp

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