I’m sure you know that in order to attract the right man you need to feel great about yourself. That’s why Step One of my 6-Step Find Hope and then Find Him System is Who Am I: Falling in Love With Myself. You have to know why you rock and truly believe that you’ll make some lucky man a superb partner.
Part of this powerful step is to also come up with your “nuggets.” Nuggets are bits about what you believe to be so bleeping cool about you and your life. Interestingly, discovering and defining these nuggets is one of the hardest skills for women to learn. (Yes…it is a skill.) Here are some examples of nuggets from my private coaching clients:
- In India I participated in a Habitat for Humanity blitz build. Volunteers from all over the world worked with 100 homeowners to build a village in a week.
- One of my favorite things in life is to get on the floor with my grandchildren and play for hours.
- I’ve spent five years renovating my 1920s house. I made a home where everyone who comes in is welcome, comfortable and embraced.
- I was born in Uruguay and moved to the U.S. when I was eight. I love this country, which is why I’m active in politics.
- I can’t go to New York City without seeing a show or two on Broadway. Love, love, love the talent. I think that’s why I’m taking dance lessons.
- I started in my company as a sales rep, and I am now the EVP…I love my job!
Do you see how tidbits like these say so much about these women? They are compassionate, world-traveling volunteers; fun-loving, young at heart, devoted family members; tenacious, creative goal-oriented happy hostesses…and so on. In a short sentence it puts out a lot of info; and when the right guy is sitting in front of you, he’s going to know it! Can you see it?
Falling in love with yourself and uncovering your nuggets is the most important, life-affirming step of my system. This is especially true for women who are dating over 40 because so many are living with old, inaccurate perceptions of themselves.
But knowing isn’t enough. You have to be able to communicate it! If you can’t communicate who you are, what you care about and what you’ve done in your life…how do you expect your date to know who the heck you are? And more important, how does he know he even likes you? (Yes…men really do care about more than how you look!)
The problem is that for most women, sharing their nuggets is a huge challenge. Why, when it comes to business, are you a walking resumé, yet in your personal life you keep it zipped…lest you b-r-a-g?
There is a huge difference between bragging – which we women seem to be allergic to – and helping someone get to know you so he can judge if you have match potential. But there is a right way to do it, and here’s how:
It’s about using your feminine energy. Your masculine talks about facts and accomplishments; your feminine about feelings, connections and experiences.
Here are examples of the wrong and right way to talk about yourself:
Let’s say you’ve run several marathons, and we are so proud of the fact that you’ve won 2 of them. (As you should be, sister.)
You could say, “I’ve run 5 marathons over the last 2 years and won 2 of them.” Yep…you are kinda bragging.
Or, you could say, “I love running marathons! I like the challenge, I love being outdoors, and the endorphins keep me feeling high for days.” This tells him you’re an accomplished athlete, outdoorsy and upbeat. It will likely lead to an opportunity to talk about your wins, which you definitely should do…just don’t lead with it.
It is particularly difficult to stay in our feminine energy when we talk about our careers. I’ll show you how. (This is one of my best tips ever! See…bragging.)
You could say, “I’m a Tax Attorney and a senior partner with the law firm of Smith, Jones and White.”
Or, “I’m a tax attorney. I love my job because I get to help people through a difficult time in their lives. It’s always challenging, which I love, and I’m good at it!” Using the magic words I love my job because…leads you right into your feminine way of telling him that you are compassionate, like a good challenge, and are happy in your career.
You can see the major difference, right? Hey, this is a great opportunity to create your own nugget! Finish the sentence “I love/like my job because…” Go on, do it now.
Mr. Smart, Confident and Caring needs to know more about you than that you win marathons, have a big career, have two kids, or like to see adventure movies. He wants to know YOU. Just like you want to know more about him than his job title and golf score.
I don’t have empirical data, but I believe this to be one of the main reasons second dates don’t take place. You may be giving your “stats” or telling him long stories…but did he really learn anything of SUBSTANCE?
A great pride of mine is my work for social justice around the world. My husband absolutely digs that about me. Don’t you want your man to love what you love about yourself? Let men know who you are; and when the right one crosses your path, both of you will know it.
PS: Remember that we are talking nuggets, not stories. My husband says that women talk in stories, but men listen in headlines. Yup…I dig his brilliance.
PPS: Here is a great related article with more information, including how to be memorable on a date.