Should You Call Him if He Doesn’t Call You?
It’s Monday and you’re talking on the phone with a nice guy you’re interested in. After some chit-chat he finally asks you out on a date. It goes something like this:
Nice Guy: Do you want to go out for dinner Saturday night?
You: Yes, that would be nice.
Nice Guy: Okay, I’ll call you later in the week to firm up the plans. I’m looking forward to it.
You: Me too. Talk then.
[Click.]
You: Woohoo!!!!!! (Okay…I added that on for dramatic effect.)
You like him, and you’re looking forward to Saturday. In fact, you’re already wondering what you’re going to wear and what you’re going to talk about.
Wednesday there is no call. Thursday there is no call. Friday morning comes, and you wonder, “Do we actually have a date?” You’re disappointed: maybe a little mad. You’re fretting over what to do next.
You email your friend or your dating coach and ask: What should I do? Should I call him?
Unfortunately, this is a common situation — especially when you’re meeting men using online dating. What follows is my email exchange with my private coaching client, “Jean.” Not only do I answer whether she should call him, I help her make sure this situation doesn’t happen again.
Here is her letter to me:
Hi Bobbi:
My date for Saturday hasn’t confirmed place or time. If I don’t hear from him by this afternoon, is it okay if I email or call him and ask him if we are still on?
~Jean
——————–
Hi Jean. No. I would not email or call him. I know it’s difficult to wait…kind of painful even. But he asked you out and, although it was up in the air about the details, it was set to do a particular thing on a particular night. That’s a date, right? Wait and see what he does.
Whether a man keeps his word is, of course, extremely important. It’s on your list as a must-have. You want him to know you’re serious about finding a man whose word you can trust and that you respect yourself and expect him to as well. As important is letting him take the lead, especially at the beginning.
The gal who emails “just to confirm” sends the signal she’s willing to accept him even if he doesn’t come through with his promises. And you, Jean, are not that gal. That gal also says “yes” when he calls on Friday afternoon for a Friday evening date. She’s the woman he plays with, not the one he marries.
I’m not saying that if he doesn’t get in touch, you should forget about him. Something may have come up out of the ordinary that prevented him from coming through. But it’s important to see what he’s going to do without prompting. Hold tight! This is where you set the pace for all that comes next.
And by the way, there’s a way to avoid this in the future. When he asks if you want to go out and then says he’ll call later in the week, tell him this very kindly: “You know, I’m really interested in going out with you, but my schedule is pretty hectic this weekend. [Make sure you qualify that it's this weekend so he doesn't get the impression you're so busy that you won't have time for him.] It would be great if we could make our dinner plans now. That way we can be sure it works out. Would that be okay with you?”
If he’s serious about getting to know you, he’ll spend the extra few minutes it takes to make a plan, or he’ll commit to when he’s going to call back with details. If he doesn’t do either, it gives you some valuable insight. Maybe he isn’t serious about dating and relationships?
Let me know how it goes, Jean. I’m here when you need me!
Big hug… ~Bp
Bobbi – wahoo- great advice girlfriend! I tell my clients this key fact that separates dating life from the business world: “For women, there is no ‘Follow Up’ in dating!”
It’s his job to call, ask, confirm and picking the place is nice too! Don’t you do enough on your own? Let him do the work and you’ll be better able to judge his interest level.
Ronnie — I’m so glad you chimed in! I miss you and Loved to “see” you here. Yup…let him do it for sure. But after the first date or so…ya better call him here and there. Otherwise he wont think you’re interested or may categorize you as a “princess” who want the guy to do everything! Love ya Ronnie!
Totally sound advice – though it is always such a painful let down when you start the week on a high thinking you are going to go on a date and then as the days pass and he does not get in touch you feel lower and lower – but hey you are saving yourself from getting into a relationship which a man who gives you uncertainty and keeps you feeling on edge all of the time!
Yes,now we are given what words to say so we aren’t left dangling—Like my life is busy, can we set a time so it works out, Is that ok with you? Puts the ball in his court, and yes, tells us right there how serious he is about getting to know you. I enjoy knowing the words to say–for me that is hard, my gut says that doesn’t feel right, but What and How is always a problem for me. Thanks Bobbi you are great.
Marian
Hi Marian! Glad this helps. One clarification: I prefer “This weekend is very busy” rather than “my life is busy.” Saying my life can 1) sound show-offy and 2) give him the idea you won’t have time to date…in other words you won’t have time for him. This is a common complaint among marriage-minded men about career women. It’s too bad because I think we sometimes go overboard trying to let him know how busy we are. (I know I did.) The truth for most of us is, even though our lives are very busy, we would most certainly make lots of room for the right guy. So it’s important he knows that. Keep reading and letting me know your thoughts! I love when you do!
Yes, I can see when you point out the difference of saying my weekend is busy as apposed to my life is busy—that looks show offy. I don’t think of my life that way at all, so don’t want to sound that way either. Thanks Marian
Hi Bobbi. Love your advice. My nice guy of 3 mos used to ask me out on Sat’s date for the following Sat. This past month or so he just says he’ll call; and always has, but not until Wed to chat & ask about Sat, then confirms details early Fri….When I broached this topic a few weeks ago, he said because he wasn’t sure what he was doing on Sat…WELL! But we have been seeing each other every Sat, just beginning to talk about exclusivity (we are in our 60′s), but nothing for sure yet. I don’t now feel the need to push that, just trying to enjoy the moment(s), but I really like him. But I still don’t like feeling “feeling on the edge” Sat thru Wed…..Any advice?
Hi Barbara. Yikes…I understand how frustrating this can be. Have you heard of this sales technique: Ask for the sale and then shut the heck up? That’s what I suggest here. All you can do is make it very clear to him that you care about him/enjoy his company etc. Be your best and real self and wait for him to make the next move. I don’t suggest you ask him “where he thinks it’s going” or challenge him about what else he may be doing. He’s still seeing you and seems to be keeping his word and showing up for you. Good chance he’s contemplating where he wants to go with the relationship. Give him the space to do it, and remind him how fabulous you are whenever you can. He will tell you what he’s thinking and what he wants when he’s ready. Only when you can’t stand it one more minute should you ask away. I wish you the very very best Barbara!!
Thanks, Bobbi…….I’ve come a long way to think along those very same lines……..I’ve waiting years to start dating again, so have decided there is no need to be in a big rush now. I’m willing to follow his pace at this time, and I’m pretty sure he knows how much I care for him. (I’ve told him
) And without so many words, just his actions, and kindness, and gentlemanliness, I know he really cares for me too..I’m giving it time to allow us to genuinely feel emotionally closer. But he better hurry up!!! LOL….Thank-you for your blogs & advice.
Hi Bobbi, I am divorced since a year ago and separated from my ex from 2009. I never dated with anybody since then. I met a very nice man in a friend’s b-day party, we were watching each other during the party but we did not talk, and 2 months later he put in touch with me thru internet. He invited me twice or three times to have a dinner and I am so scared and silly I said no, he realized I am scared but he told me he will not say me anymore to get out, to have the same answer, so he doesnt write me since Monday, and he doesnt say anything about dinner since Saturday. What I do? I really like him! and I don’t really know how to come back! Thanks a lot!
Hi Agu. Tell him you like him! A man with confidence is only going to ask so many times before he gives up. Just remember: you don’t know him yet. Get to know him before you decide you really like him, ok?
Thanks Bobbi! u r right, will see……. : )
Hi Bobbi, I want to let you know I’ve been reading the e-mails. They have been very helpful and encouraging. I have confidence in talking with guys. During high school and college Ialways had guy friends but never got asked out. I had a friend point out that they were interested, but I seem to push them away. Sad to say I never asked what she meant. Any thoughts?
Hi Bobbi, well that was a great advice. I’m in online dating for a year maybe I should have a private coach like you, to guide me in my journey in online dating.
Hi Katie! You bet! If you’ve been on for a year with no results then you may want to do it differently. Check out all my articles by selecting Online Dating under my categories here http://datelikeagrownup.com/category/online-dating/ And I have a great “Spruce Up Your Love Life” coaching package http://datelikeagrownup.com/coachingprograms/#online . Have fun!!
This is great advice.
I was googling this very same question because I had a date with the time up in the air. The man has not called yet and it is already the day of. I’m glad I firmed up my belief that I shouldn’t call him. I have been that woman and I experienced the tone it sets. I definitely don’t want to go down that path again.
Hi Briget! Yay! I’m so glad to hear — not that he didn’t call, of course — but that you’re feeling good about letting it go if he doesn’t. It is nothing about you or something you did wrong. And I really do believe that you shouldn’t call a guy after he clearly reneges on a promise. (yes, I consider “I’ll call Thursday to firm up plans for our date on Friday” a promise!) And you’re right, when you set yourself up to “be that girl” you are forever her in his eyes.
Sometimes there will be circumstances that are real and it’s clear you can overlook him missing the date. But if that’s the case he will call and explain. Great! Bottom line is that Good Guys love to step up and show up. You will find one of those!
I am in my 50′s, divorced for 10+ years. I met a man in a social setting a few months ago and about 2 weeks ago he asked me out. We went out and had a very good time and the chemistry is there; at least for me, and I think for him too. Other than me initiating a couple of texts, I’ve not heard back from him. We did tentatively set up a second date but that has come and gone with no contact.
Your thoughts please. Should I contact him or plan to move on?
Hi Netta, I suppose you could contact him but I wouldn’t have high expectations. I interviewed a panel of men and asked “What’s up when we have a great date and then we don’t hear from you?” Their answer: Well…it obviously wasn’t that great of a date for us. A man can have a great time with you but that doesn’t directly equate to another date. The guys also said, btw, that you can call — you have nothing to lose. But, again, not to expect anything. He’s probably moved on.
There are tons of good guys out there. Go find them, Netta. Don’t waste time over a man you hardly know, okay?
Hi Bobbi. Excellent advice I’ve heard already. I have been “out of the game” for a while and could use an opinion….I have met a man and have gone out with him two times since meeting and after our last date he asked me out again and I told him I wasn’t sure as I MIGHT have other plans. The next day I told him I would like to see him and he told me he’d made other plans since he thought I wouldn’t be around and has been really short and distant with me. Did I screw up here?
Should I call him to smooth things over or should I wait it out and see what happens?
Hi Katie…Your mistake was letting him know you were busy in the wrong way. Here’s what to do next time: I’d would love to go out with you again, “Bob”, I really have fun with you. But I have a prior commitment. Can we make it another date? (No need to tell him if it’s another date, btw.)
Can you fix it? It’s likely you can. Wait a week and see if he gets in touch. If not, call him. Yes…call him! After two dates and him asking you out again it shows he likes you, right? Men want us to call them. They get insecure too, and he likely heard that you weren’t that into him; especially since it was going on your third date. Call him and tell him that you’re really interested in getting to know him better and you’re afraid you gave him the wrong impression. Be honest, be vulnerable and be brave…it just may get you another date! Good luck Katie.
Well, I waited 6 days to text him and he text back almost immediately but said he was busy and “ttyl?”. Now it’s been a few more days and I haven’t heard anything more. Is it time to cut my losses or try a different approach?
Hi Katie….Still no response? If so, I’m hoping by now you have moved on. Calling it “cut your looses” though sounds a little off to me. Maybe he had something else grab his attention (not necessarily another woman) or he just got snippy about you saying No to him. Either way he’s just a guy who didn’t end up being The One. There are more. If you haven’t heard by now…Next…
Can you help? I just got off the phone from 1st phone call after several emails. At the end he asked what I generally like to do on dates, and I mentioned “dinner, music, a movie, etc. I think he is a lot more “cultured” than I am- symphonies, foreign films I didn’t realize he meant on a 1st date or 1st “meet.” Then he said, “Well let’s stay in touch & we’ll plan something.” Sounded like kiss-off to me. Do I email him back and say generally on a 1st meet I feel coffee or a drink, or something casual is more appropriate, or do I just let it go? Thanks…Barb
Hi bobbi,
i’m experiencing this limbo that you’re talking about! i’m using online dating and had been talking to this guy for a few days before deciding to meet up. The date went amazing and he kissed me goodbye and said i’d see him very soon. He then texted me saying he was ill the next few days and that he didnt feel like seeing me again so soon. He also said he hadnt lost interest and that he cant wait to see me,five days after the date and the odd text he stopped talking all together after i texted him. Im so confused as to what i can do, i called him once but he didnt answer. Should i forget this guy even though i like him so much? Thanks x
Yes. Sorry to say but it’s time to move on. It’s not what he says, it’s what he DOES. This is kinda common: a guy says all this lovely stuff in the moment — and he does believe it — but then he gets back to life and his priorities change.
OR
He’s a jerk.
Either way…NEXT! Ladies, don’t get hung up on a guy who you talked to and.or met like once. Good chance you are more attracted to the IDEA of him rather than the real guy.
Hugs…I know this can be hard. But you can do it!
Hello, i got a question and hope u can help me. I met a really nice guy last Sunday. We talked and he wanted me to go over his place (i know he was testing the water) so i told him NO that i didnt even know him. He asked me for my number and a kissed me. I suggested we could go for coffee or a drink later if he wanted to see me. He txted me an hour later saying it was nice to meet me and he was looking forward to seeing me later that night. I txted back saying it was nice and to call me to make plans. 9 pm comes around and he calls me. He says he is working late an can see me later. I tell him sorry but it was to late for a Sunday night but i could make it another time. He called an hour later and we talked. He seemed interested and said if he could invite me for dinner during the week instead. I dont plan on calling him but how long before i wait for his invite before i forget about him?
Hi Naty –
Consider it forgotten…right now. This is a major mistake we all make, and I mean ALL as I did it literally hundreds of times! We meet a guy for a second, pin our hopes on him, talk ourselves into a tizzy…and all the while he’s doing what he’s going to do. We have no control over it whatsoever. So…just live your life!
Hope is a wonderful thing, but make it an overall hope and belief that you will find a fantastic, loving partner. Not a hope for every guy you meet that shows any interest. When he’s in front of you (after you get to know him) you will know it. This guy…he’s a blip in your life, so far. Keep it that way. Keep walking around smiling, stay online, or do whatever you’re doing to meet men. If he calls and asks you out like a gentleman, then great! He does seem somewhat interested and he very well may. But there’s as much a chance that he won’t. SO WHAT! You don’t know him at all. Don’t talk yourself into giving him more space in your life than he deserves. He’s a stranger.
Make sense? And if you haven’t already, you may want to read my ebook. I think you’ll get a lot out of it, including where to place yourself and your value when it comes to men. Read about it here.
Thank u for ur quick response! I will try to think of other things instead so i dont dwell on him. I still have hope on a call since i just met him 2 days ago. I hate this. Im upset that they dont even give me chance. Why r men like that? We give them a chance all the time and they wont even try.
Men aren’t “like” anything Naty. Just like women they are all different. If he doesn’t call it probably has NOTHING to do with you, girlfriend. Men are different than we are. They generally aren’t out searching desperately for a partner. (Let’s face it, many women are. It’s in our biology.) So he met you, you seemed nice and he planned to call. And he very well might. Or maybe he got really busy at work, met someone else who knocked his socks off, his dog died…a thousand things could have moved you off his list of priorities.
If a guy doesn’t call you – especially at the very beginning of knowing one another – it’s not because he’s a jerk or he has chosen not to give YOU a chance. He probably didn’t gave it a ton of thought and decide “oh, I don’t like her enough to see her again. I think I”ll never call her.” Because he’s not trolling for a wife he may not be actively pursuing every opportunity that arises. He’s probably just living his busy life with 1000 things that can distract him.
All you can do is live your best life, be your lovely self when you meet men and, if you’re interested, make sure they know you are! If this is any kind of regular occurrence, maybe you can learn some new skills. If you don’t know how to make yourself memorable, then make a commitment to learn. There are many ways you can make a great impression so when they leave they can’t stop thinking about you. It will not only get you better results, it’s fun! Here’s a start: http://datelikeagrownup.com/2011/01/dating-over-40-why-hes-not-asking-you-out/. I recommend you don’t blame “them” or think harshly. Know that men are different and that we can do certain things to get and keep their attention. Oh…and then there’s always the “s/he just isn’t for me” thing. I hope this helps. Stay with it! There’s a fabulous man out there for you!
Thank u! You make me feel so much better
Im so glad i found your blog!!!!
I met this guy a while back we hit it off really good and its about to be officaily two months since we started dating hes met my lil one and they both hit it off great he calls me baby and i overheard one of his friends say o you calling her baby now so you must really like her and he told his friend yea i do and everybody says we have perfect chemistry when we’re with each other we always “on” each other and pda is not and issue for us and we see each other at least twice a week for movie night…he remembers everything about me when i ask and hes always been there when i need him to be(i text him.my basement door was opened when i didnt go down there and he called me and told me he was on his way and to call the cops…he lives about 30-40 mins away and we both had to get up earli the next day for work)and everything been great until one day he didnt call (we text throughout the day but he always called me around 10pm then we get off at 1am) and hes hasnt done that or hell say hell call me back and dont do it he even told me that if he doesnt call me back i should call him but i dont want to seem like the desperate type or ill be sleeping…so one day he didnt call me at our usual time so i call him it goes to voicemail so i decided not to message him at all the next day. It worked because he did call me when i saw i didnt send my goodmorning text…and today he said he wanted to stop by he said no promises but i was looking forward to it so i gave in and messaged him saying i was looking forward to dinner and for him to come over lol…i really do like this guy and i could see myself being commited to just him but i have this fear that maybe hes just not that into me as much as im into him or that im getting played its been a minute that i actually cared about another guy so im thinking maybe its karma for all the hearts ive broken
or maybe im just overthinking the whole situation and just see where things go
HI Nesa. In a word: yes. You do seem to be over thinking. Finding love — truly connecting with another person — takes courage. It means opening your heart and letting him see who you are and how you feel. It means being honest. Do you risk him not doing the same? Yes. But if he’s someone who really cares about you I’d hate for you to lose him by playing games and testing him.
I can’t tell you how he feels about you but I can tell you that if he’s a good guy who cares, over thinking and trying to manipulate will most certainly send him running. In other words, date like a grownup and you’ll attract the man who is right for you.
Best to you! Big hug.
P.s sorry for the long message and horrible grammar and spelling my phone doesnt spell check
Hi Bobbi, I met a wonderful guy that I instantly was attracted to and connected with he asked me out on a date to dinner at a nice restaurant that date got cancelled cause of his work, but we rescheduled for the next day. So for our first date he invited me over to dinner at his house. (we were both exhausted from the week and thought something more laid back would be nice) So he cooked for me a lovely dinner at his house and I had an amazing time we talked for hours and kissed a bit didn’t go passed that and then I left.
As soon as I left he texted me how he had a wonderful
night and told me he was still high from being with me.
Since then we have texted back and forth we planned another date out for dinner this time. It usually takes him a long while to respond but he always gets back. Since our plan he told me you pick a place and time and I’ll be there so far I have sent him 2 texts to keep in touch and asking him if the area I picked was ok. I have not heard back from him at all and am really confused as is to is he busy, not interested or maybe something happened like lost his phone? He seemed excited to see me again and was very polite and has always responded till now. I thought we hit it off quite well. Our date is today and I still have not heard back should I call? Have I done anything wrong to give him a wrong impression? Some good advice would be great I feel pretty lost.
Thank you!
Hi M. So sorry. Just coming to your comment and not sure what has transpired. Did you/he call? I hope he did and you had a great date.
Regardless, I wanted to share two things about this topic:
1. That “we had a great time and he never called” thing is pretty common. A man can have a fantastic time on a date with you and never call again…and not be a jerk or a liar. He may just be being a guy. He may really enjoy himself but go home and realize that, though he likes you, he doesn’t see you fitting into his life. This is especially true of men who are looking for their forever mate. He may know something you don’t about why you’re not a good fit.*
Now….that said: a guy who says he will call about an agreed upon date and doesn’t…even if he just figured you’re not the one, he’s damn rude.
2. I know you know this: The best thing for you to do is just to live your best life, stay open and have some fun. He will show up.
* Here’s an article about that:
http://datelikeagrownup.com/2010/04/why-you-should-be-happy-when-a-man-rejects-you-%E2%80%93-part-one-2/
Hi Bobbi thank you so much for getting back to me you really give great advice!
Following up on my date, he did call it actually turned out that he was responding to every text I sent him but his phone was not working properly and I did not receive his messages till finally he thought I was ignoring him and not responding so he called.
We went on our second date out to dinner last night and it was lovely. Planning a 3rd date for this week coming up! Taking it slow going with the flow and seeing what happens. I am happy he came around! I guess us as women over think things too much sometimes and it leads to insecurities and worry. In this case it was just technical difficulties.
Thank you for the article I’m forwarding it to my BFF who was recently stood up buy a guy and she was pretty down. It will be very helpful for her to read it.
Thank you again for your advice and kind words.
Great article Bobbi – and I enjoyed reading the comments and see that others have encountered what I have. Last time I saw the “object of my affection” his last words to me were “best date ever” – and I was over the moon – it really was a fabulous date! But I haven’t heard from him since. I’ve texted him and he responded right away – even sweet and chatty – but I haven’t seen him again. This is not someone I just met on the Internet, he’s someone from my past and the only man I haven’t been able to shake. But now, I know I have to … why someone acts the way they do is not even a relevant question at this point. The trouble is that it seems counterintuitive to let go … even though it is logical. I’m willing to go counterintutive, it’s just not easy. So thanks for all the support!
Joy
Hi Joy, Sorry about the disappointment. But you’re right: the “why” isn’t important. You should know that I have a couple coaching clients who are with great guys (one is engaged) and they where ones they met after being dumped. They felt awful but got back up and kept going. And they are now with the very next guy they dated. So keep going! There are lots of great men out there!
Hi Bobbi,
I met a guy online and when he asked me if I’d like to meet up for a coffee sometimes during this week, I only said yes, it would be lovely to meet up, we’ll keep in touch. Have I been a bit confusing for him, as he didn’t reply, and a few days have passed since then. I don’t know whether he changed his mind or he wants me to get in touch with him first? What should I do?
Thank you!
Bobbi- I just stumbled across your website and am so happy I did. You advise seems to be spot on.
I am looking forward to your input on a situation. Or my thoughts about a situation.
I am in my 50′s…. Divorced almost 10 years. Been in a few long term relationships since. Haven’t really clicked with a good man in a few years. Out of the blue…or on Jdate…:)….I meet a great guy. First date lasts 4 hours. Time flew by. At the end of that date, he simply said “I had a great time. Good night.” lol…naturally…I “read into this”! Assumed he wasn’t interested. Lo and behold…he calls 3 days later to ask me out for a week from Saturday. Ok…a bit of a long in between time but I was so happy. We go on second date to a very nice restaurant. 6 hour date…. Dinner, dancing, talking, laughing….major chemistry! Two days after that date he calls. Asks if I can meet up for lunch. I can’t. Busy woman, working…etc. So he tells me he really wants to see me. He has plans Saturday night and his daughters bday Friday night but can I meet for a drink after work Friday before he meets his daughter. I say “sure” happy as can be. Then… As time goes by my brain starts going into overdrive. It seems clear to me that he has a date on Saturday night. He is squeezing me in to Friday. I am feeling like this is a step backward from our last Saturday night date. Obviously we have just met and obviously we are not in a relationship. BUT, I liked him enough to know that he would be a “front burner” guy for me. And I feel like he has already downgraded me from Saturday to Friday afternoon. This doesn’t seem like we are off to a very good start. It mostly feels like I can get hurt. I am thinking of canceling Friday…just saying I need to work. Is this massively immature of me or a good idea.
Argh!! Beginnings are the worst!!
Thx in advance.
Seems like wayyy overdrive to me. You are totally making things up.
He could have plans with anyone and even if it is someone else so what? Could be some he met before he even met you. Or a buddy. Or… You don’t know. But this is what dating is! And why these super-dates are a terrible idea. I just think it creates crazy expectations and it hardly ever works out.
If you want to continue self-sabatogue, play the game and tell him you’re busy. Or you can try to get some perspective and see if you can just go and have some fun.
Don’t mean to be harsh, but I think you already know this.
Hugs…
Ok, I’ve met this guy over the internet as well and we talk the first day and things was fine. We talked a few days later and he was so shy about asking me out that he finally did everntually. But he asked me if we could meet and when and i asked me which day would be better and I said either friday or saturday and I’m unsure and he said that its fine to just give him a call to let him know. But he haven’t called or txted me in two days and today is friday. I am skeptical because I had txted him yesterday and i got no answer so I didnt call or txt. But now that today is Friday and I don’t knwo whether to call him or have him call me. And I am into this guy and I know he is as well but I don’t want to call just to make sure.. What should I do
Hi Tyna – Other than “where do I meet Men?” this is the question I get asked the most: “He didn’t call me what do I do?” I’ll answer the way I (almost) always do: if you just connected and haven’t even had a date, if he doesn’t pursue you in any way, then, as they say, he’s probably not that into you. If you want to “go for broke” try texting him again and ask him to call so you can finalize your plans. If no answer and he doesn’t call, he’s moved on and so should you. And remember, you don’t even know this guy. Next! Oh, and next time, finalize the date when you’re on the phone by confiring place and time. Then there is no guessing later on. If he likes you, he’ll be glad to do it. Good luck!
The Ships’s Voyages…
I think technology just can make it worse. Now there is a channel to under no circumstances care, now there will not be considered a probability for them to find….
Hi Bobbi,Can you help me?
Me and a guy I really like,have been talking to each other for four months,their was one date 2 months ago and I met his parents a few weeks ago.
This past week,he’s been busy with work ect. we really connected though. He has a dui and got his licence suspended for 2 years. But since last week he hasn’t contacted me at all. He has been having trouble at work.Should I just get on with my life or wait?
Hi Brooke. I don’t know if he’s called yet but, if not, I think you should be grateful. He sounds like he has some pretty major problems in his life and he may be doing you a big favor by bowing out. So, yes, I’d say to absolutely get on with your life. And while he may be a nice man, you might want to ask if it was He that was such a great catch or if you were more attracted to The Idea of having a guy. Because to me, he doesn’t sound like a man who (at least now in his life) is ready to be a grownup life partner. Grownup dating is SO MUCH about being a good Picker. Are you doing that, ya think?
This article may help http://datelikeagrownup.com/2010/04/why-you-should-be-happy-when-a-man-rejects-you-%E2%80%93-part-one-2/ .
There’s a good man out there waiting for you to find and pick him! You have my love and support.
He called first, second but not third time i was debating with myself should i send him or not but finally couldn’t stay tight and sent but he didnt answer back.
I keep thinking why he didn’t call back and what went wrong i dont know maybe if i was holding tight like other ladies here it would return better result.
Thanks,and he called today and we had a good conversation (:
Hi Bobbie,
I went in a blind date in Friday that went well. We had a lot in common and ended up sitting and talking for 3 hours, afterwards he walked me to my door, we exchanged numbers, and hugged goodbye. I received a text later that same night saying he was glad he went on the date and that he had a good time. I responded likewise and casually said we should do it again sometime. The next day we talked a little though test message (I text first, it was a continuation of a topic we talked about on the date) and we talked on and off throughout the day. Now I haven’t heard from him since Saturday and it is now Tuesday. Should I try contacting him again or is contacting him first 2 times too much? Wait for him to contact me? How long do I wait before I know he’s not interested?
Thanks,
Cassie
Hi Cassie. I”d wait and let him do so. I know what it’s like: you think maybe he lost your info, maybe he’s been sick…any reason to believe he hasn’t “disappeared.” But the truth is that if he wants to see and talk to you he can and will. Remember that you don’t know him. You may have felt like you connected but if he does disappear it’s because he knows something about himself that tells him that you’re not a match. He will be doing you a favor.
I have been dating a guy off and on for about a year now… and he has gone as far as to block my calls when we fight and I still can’t stay away, however I don’t call him anymore.. BTW, he is Bi Polar so that is why he is so moody, however there is no excuse for treating me that way…and I know that.
Recently we connected/hooked up/had sex again and I do all of the calling and initiating of conversation… I think I am the “go to” gal… and as of today I have decided that I am not calling nor texting anymore… if he wants more – he should work for it…
We have tentative plans for tomorrow and as of now I am not holding my breath and I am ok with that….
Dear Lydia…people treat you how you expect to be treated. You have given him permission to be a non-participating or contributing part of your “couple.” You are his go-to girl, not his girlfriend. Regardless of his medical challenge, it’s your choice: do you want to be someone’s toy or someone’s partner? We just covered this in my telecourse first session: Know and Love Yourself. If you’re looking for a good relationship with a good man, it ALL starts with you loving and respecting yourself. Get to work! Best to you!
Really appreciate what you said about the not calling. I am so confused…I’ve been out with this guy a few times and I really enjoy his company and liked where things were going. The last time we went out he kissed me, but since then he has basically disappeared. I keep wondering if I did something or said something, but if I did then why kiss me? I am SO confused, I want to call but I don’t want to come across as needy or desperate.
Hi Bonnie, It’s not a matter of you doing something wrong. He may have just learned something about you that makes him believe you’re not a good match. This is what dating is all about: you meet people, most aren’t The One, and eventually one is. Why did he kiss you? Because in the moment he was attracted to you and wanted to. Unfortunately that doesn’t translate to him wanting a relationship with you. If you’ve been out a few times, would it have been grownup of him to call and let you know he didn’t see you as a match? Yep. But both men and women are guilty of not doing that.
Please stop beating yourself up. He just isn’t right for you and he knows it. Now it’s time for you to move forward. Having a better understanding of men will help you a lot. Keep reading here, and watch for my program on this topic. It’s coming soon. Hugs, Bp
hello,
i know a man from a long time ago, as friends. i was married then, he said he loves me a few times. years later, i am divorced and single. we got back in contact and went out a few times, as friends. but then i told him i had feelings for him. he said he loved me for years and dealt with it and the friendship is too precious to lose. what does that mean? i told him i don’t want to see him again, and he asked me to reconsider and to stay on and see where life will lead us. then he dissappeared. i texted and emailed him and he replies distantly and shortly. did i mess up the love of my life?
Hi Bobbi,
I met this guy about 6 weeks ago. We met for drinks. It went real well. He was texting every day and would send randon texts i.e. just thinking about you. We have had two follow up dates but averaged only once every two weeks. He lives an hour away and with the holidays it made getting together difficult. Then after our 3rd date, my daughter was coming for a week. He had said he wouldn’t text much with her here to give us our time. We still had contact nearly every day either text or phone calls. He had mentioned getting together the evening after she left, which he ended up having other plans. I havent seen him for going on 3 weeks now and it has been 3 days since he has contacted me. Should I just wait it out and still hope or just give up on hearing from him again?
Kathy
Hi Bobbi,
I do have a similar situation of dating guys. Just like some of the women here. Here it goes, I’ve been seeing this guy for about 3 weeks already. We started as friends and he always calls and text me like everyday even if he’s at work and busy he always find time for me and eager to see me after work even if its late he drops by at my place and have a chat he always look forward in seeing me. we went for dates but the next date (2nd date officially) that we had it was my birthday. few days before my bday he was so eager and had a lot of plans in mind. So for me as a girl i prepared a lot (dresses, research possible restaurants, weather etc.) but then the day came, he said he’s going to pick me up around 7.30 pm and no calls or texts. I panicked but i dont want to text or call him i might sound eager. but then i did. still no response. Until he called around 8.30 pm and was apologizing that he fell asleep!! he said he’s still going to come and pick me up and bring me to his promised restaurant he told me. To cut it short, the date went well but then he felt i was still upset. the next day he texted about me asking if im still upset. But i drunk texted him. Haven’t heard from him since then. What went wrong? Help. thanks! Crystal
Hi Bobbi,
These responses are great and very illuminating. My situation started out the same nearly, although my guy is a person I have known for months and been crushing on. He FINALLY asked me out but oddly gave me his number. I texted him and we made a date a few days later. On the day of though, I had still heard nothing from him, so I texted to which he responded something along the lines of ‘im up for anything.’ — uhhh ok?! Regardless, we had an amazing time, he took me out for a very nice dinner. I also contacted him for the second date, (because I realized in retrospect that his questioning of my schedule was probably aimed at a second date). SAME THING with the second date grrr! I had to contact him, but it was a great date. Full disclosure, we did sleep with each other both times. When I said goodbye he firmly indicated that I would see him again. It has been 8 days without a call or text from, and I’m miserable because I truly cherish my connection with this man. However, I haven’t contacted him because I don’t like this feeling that I am dragging him around! Any suggestions?? I am beside myself.
I met a guy online. We went out one time, had a great time, then he disappeared for a month citing ‘he was busy’. He reappeared. We texted/talked like nothing has happened and have set this Saturday to go out. Time and place were not firmed up though. It is now Wednesday and still haven’t heard back.
I know I shouldn’t call/text to confirm (I texted him “Happy Monday” with no response yet). He should reach out now. Do I go ahead and make other plans for Saturday since I haven’t heard from him? Or should I still say yes to going out with him when he calls back anytime between now and Sat? I don’t want to be his ‘go to girl’ just when he’s bored or because he doesn’t have better plans for the day. If I make other plans, is it OK to say that I did so because I didn’t hear from him? But I’m afraid that would end our dating.
Please advise asap. Thanks.
MT
MT: I didn’t need to read past “he disappeared for a month citing ‘he was busy’. He reappeared. We texted/talked like nothing has happened…” Please please please don’t put up with this crap. This isn’t a guy who is interested in any kind of relationship with you. If he was he wouldn’t treat you like you’re disposable. I know this is probably hard to hear, but I can’t say it enough. Now, if you don’t want a relationship stick with him. Buuuut, if you want to find love…run for the hills! And after you do ask yourself –and I”m saying this to everyone reading — why am I choosing to go after a man who doesn’t show much interest in me? Why does he still matter to you? Is it him you’re really pining over or just the IDEA of him? It’s worth examining. I bet you’ll learn something really valuable about yourself when you come to the answer. You have my love and support and I hope you keep learning and looking for good men. Bp
I have been dating a guy exclusively for the last 8 mos. we are both divorced with kids, and the frequency of getting together has been more infrequent than our daily texting and talking on the phone. He just recently started to stress about the security of his job future, and asked that we slow things down but wanted me to “bear with him until he gets his feet back on steady ground.” Just the day leading up to that conversation he’d been the one to plan out our whole weekend – sleeping over, activities, etc. Then he didn’t stay over, had the conversation with me about slowing down, etc. He has gone from texting/calling every day to infrequent “touching base” over the last couple weeks. I have no idea what he wants – not sure what to do. No “booty calls” during this time, just so you know. He keeps saying he’ll call (once he texts) that eve., but then doesn’t. Did call the other day and said he missed talking but he’s already starting to feel stress-free and getting more clear. What does this all mean? I really don’t want to play games back…want to keep it real. Not sure of what I’m “keeping” tho. Thanks for any help!
Hi Wondering. It sounds like you’ve had a nice relationship for some time but now He’s got some serious life changes/decisions. He also had a conversation with you about it rather than just disappearing. With just this little info he seems like an okay guy. Sometimes men need to solve their own problems and we just need to let them. You know…the cave thing. I suggest you let him know you care about him and ask him what he needs from you during this time. If he is a good man and you care about him it may be a good “investment” to hang tight and just be there for him. At the same time I suggest that you get clear on YOUR needs and boundaries in this relationship. Balance those two things, take care of yourself and hang tight for as long as it’s okay with you. Good luck girlfriend. It will work out the way it’s supposed to as long as you are clear and communicative.
Hi bobbi! I have been talking to this guy over a month now. We’ve been on a couple of dates. He used to called at least 3 to four times a week we talked a lot on the phone an some texting. Last saturday after valentine’s day he set up a date for a dinner and movie well he called me on saturday at noon and said he has a hangover because he went out with his friends the night before and he wasn’t feeling good at all. So around 4 o’clock that day i texted him and asked what time he want to go out but he didn’t respond until 6 and said he doesn’t know and that was the end. Until now he still hasn’t try to call to text me at all. So my question is has he lost interest already? Hope this is not too confusing but i am looking forward for your advice. Thanks
Hi Val, I’m sorry but, for whatever reason, I don’t see that he’s that interested. Besides, a guy who cancels a date because he’s hungover doesn’t sound like a guy I’d waste my time with. I know it feels a little crappy but it’s part of dating. Grab on to the fact that he’s not for you and that you’ll never know “what happened” or why he lost interest. There are tons of good guys out there and I hope next time you expect more. When a guy cancels like this my advice would be to thank him for calling and tell him to have a good life. And move on. Hugs…Bp (If you’re not already registered for my Grownup Girls’ Night Out free webcasts I suggest you do so. I talk about this type of issue a lot because it’s such a common question. Click here to register.
Hi….I’m in a little dilemma.I met this guy-about 16 Years ago…and we remained really good friends!!!Throughout the time of known him…he would try to ask me out….but I was in a relationship.So-we recrossed each others path(again)The chemistry was mutual.We kicked it-after our years of knowing each other….”Sex!!!Well-u know sex brings emotions…..so I had to make sure he was clean slate-let me see what hes about etc.Remind you-we were friends….nnnnbit not on the level of Sex!!!So anyway-I did my detective psi work on him…….come to find ojut this MF’r is married….(Broken:( …….It crushed me!!!!!I was like”wow”!!!If course he trys to justify saying-they were seperated…..then he’ll say…….we getting a divorce!!!All thee excuses……to TRY too COVER HIMSELF UP! !!!!!!But it didn’t register…..I left him alone…..now he has contacted me again…saying he’s getting a divorce….what should I do…?I’m in Love with him….what do I do….?He wont leave me ALONE! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You’re not going to like it but I’ll tell you what I think you might consider doing: run from the hills and never talk to him again. Why are you “in love” with a liar? He didn’t tell you he was married. Why would you believe him about getting divorced? I’m sorry Stephany. but I recommend you give serious thought to what it is you are attracted to and if he would really be a good mate for you. If not, just tell him “no” and to leave you alone. He will only know you are serious if you completely block him out. Then he will leave you alone. Best of luck to you. Bp