Should You Call Him if He Doesn’t Call You?

It’s Monday and you’re talking on the phone with a nice guy you’re interested in. After some chit-chat he finally asks you out on a date. It goes something like this:

Nice Guy: Do you want to go out for dinner Saturday night?

You: Yes, that would be nice.

Nice Guy: Okay, I’ll call you later in the week to firm up the plans. I’m looking forward to it.

You: Me too. Talk then.

[Click.]

You: Woohoo!!!!!! (Okay…I added that on for dramatic effect.)

You like him, and you’re looking forward to Saturday. In fact, you’re already wondering what you’re going to wear and what you’re going to talk about.

Wednesday there is no call. Thursday there is no call. Friday morning comes, and you wonder, “Do we actually have a date?” You’re disappointed: maybe a little mad. You’re fretting over what to do next.

You email your friend or your dating coach and ask: What should I do? Should I call him?

Unfortunately, this is a common situation — especially when you’re meeting men using online dating. What follows is my email exchange with my private coaching client, “Jean.” Not only do I answer whether she should call him, I help her make sure this situation doesn’t happen again.

Here is her letter to me:

Hi Bobbi:

My date for Saturday hasn’t confirmed place or time. If I don’t hear from him by this afternoon, is it okay if I email or call him and ask him if we are still on?

~Jean

——————–

Hi Jean. No. I would not email or call him. I know it’s difficult to wait…kind of painful even. But he asked you out and, although it was up in the air about the details, it was set to do a particular thing on a particular night. That’s a date, right? Wait and see what he does.

Whether a man keeps his word is, of course, extremely important. It’s on your list as a must-have. You want him to know you’re serious about finding a man whose word you can trust and that you respect yourself and expect him to as well. As important is letting him take the lead, especially at the beginning.

The gal who emails “just to confirm” sends the signal she’s willing to accept him even if he doesn’t come through with his promises. And you, Jean, are not that gal. That gal also says “yes” when he calls on Friday afternoon for a Friday evening date. She’s the woman he plays with, not the one he marries.

I’m not saying that if he doesn’t get in touch, you should forget about him. Something may have come up out of the ordinary that prevented him from coming through. But it’s important to see what he’s going to do without prompting. Hold tight! This is where you set the pace for all that comes next.

And by the way, there’s a way to avoid this in the future. When he asks if you want to go out and then says he’ll call later in the week, tell him this very kindly: “You know, I’m really interested in going out with you, but my schedule is pretty hectic this weekend. [Make sure you qualify that it's this weekend so he doesn't get the impression you're so busy that you won't have time for him.] It would be great if we could make our dinner plans now. That way we can be sure it works out. Would that be okay with you?”

If he’s serious about getting to know you, he’ll spend the extra few minutes it takes to make a plan, or he’ll commit to when he’s going to call back with details. If he doesn’t do either, it gives you some valuable insight. Maybe he isn’t serious about dating and relationships?

Let me know how it goes, Jean. I’m here when you need me!

Big hug…   ~Bp

 

 

 

 

Comments

  1. Cookie says

    Hello! I have a situation I need help with. I am single with 3 children, 41 and divorced. I work full-time and raise my kids on my own. I have been at my job 14 years and have met a wonderful man there, work only. He started where I work 2 years ago and for this long I have felt like a teenager with a crush. I have not felt like this about anyone before. The last year or so we have been taking lunch together every now and then, I have brought him lunch to work during my off day. He is 44, single, never married, no kids and Shy, shy, shy. Did I mention shy? He tells me we need to go do something sometime or go to a nice place for lunch, but never elaborates on it. I got him a nice, personalized gift for his birthday the other day and gave it to him privately at work. He forgot he told me his birthday a year ago and I remembered. He looked at me surprised. He mentioned going out again and I responded “you have said that a few times before and I’m still waiting”. He tilted his head, smiled and just stared at me. I catch him staring at me a lot, he goes out of his way to walk past me at work. He is just so shy, quiet and he never really had much of a out-of-work and family life. I have not either. Where should I go from here? We have a lot of respect for each other and work can bring on some bad tension, but I will always wonder what could have been, if I don’t try something. Any ideas?

    Cookie

    • says

      Hi Cookie! Sounds like you’ve made yoru interest clear when you said “you have said that a few times before and I’m still waiting.” (Which, btw, next time I would say it less like you are daring him, ok? Not the best approach.) All you can do at this point is 1) nothing and just keep enjoying his company the same way or 2) say it straight out: do you want to go on a date some time?
      There is always the chance that he’s gay, not interested in more than being friends, or just so shy he’s not the kind of guy with whom you can really enjoy a relationship. One last thing: Read the rest of the comments here. You’ll see me say the same things time and again like: Are you really hot for him or are you stuck on some fantasy about him that you’ve created based on not really knowing him at all?
      There are lots of great men out there! With love, Bp

  2. Nancy says

    Hi, Bobbi–

    Your advice is always so RIGHT ON! I’ve learned to be pretty tough when it comes to situations like this because if you allow that behavior, it sets a bad precedent from the beginning. If I want a man with integrity and character who does what he says he’s going to do when he says he’s going to do it, that type of behavior is a deal breaker for me immediately. N-E-X-T is my new favorite four letter word!

    Your blogs not only remind me that I’m doing the right thing a lot of the time, but they’ve also helped me with some touchier situations when I haven’t exactly been sure of myself.

    Thanks again!

    Nancy

  3. Ani says

    Dear and lovely Bobbi,
    Thank you so much for all your comments which helps a lot.
    Here is my situation.
    I have received a message from online dating (I met you at the gym a lot of time it seems like you love exercising. care to talk or chat ?we can even exercise together. let me know) so in respond I said (sure I would like to chat and exercise with you )in his message he put his name but I didn’t cause I wasn’t sure if he will respond.
    so now which is passing almost a week there is no respond from him.i checked his profile it say recently online, but when I am going to the search area he is not there.
    I do not know if I should send him a message again or just let it go.(I checked my sent message and it went through)
    What is wrong with these guys wow.
    Thank you again.
    Love Ani.

  4. Sam says

    Hi Bobbie

    I’ve been talking with this guy online for about a week. He seemed as a very nice guy and most of all he sounded like he loves God dearly in such a way that we’ve been planning on going to church on our first date and go eat lunch afterwards. I understand that his job occuppies him a lot but he finds time to call or text me whenever he get a chance.Well,to cut long story short…the day before we were suppose to meet he just suprised me, came into my house after not commumicating with me for the whole day. He brought me flowers and all was well, we talked about the time he’ll be picking me up for church the next mornimg.We were both excited about the next morning but Sunday came, got all dressed up and waited, he never came nor call. I called to ask if he was still coming but he didn’t pick up his phone, I texted him wanting to know what was going on, there was no reply…I don’t wanna lie, I was misserable the whole day,took my clothes off and went straight to bed, I was really hurt because I didn’t see it coming, I keept on thinking to to myself what would have went wrong but couldn’t find any answers. I deleted his number same day cause I don’t wanna caught myself up calling or texting him ever again. But deep down I’m still hurt..Can you tell me what would have went wrong maybe.

    Thanks

    • says

      Hi Sam.
      I have no idea what went wrong. And you may never know either. I know it feels bad but you cant control what others do. You can only control how you respond to it. It may help you to read my responses to the other questions and comments here. Be sure to do that, ok?
      I wonder btw how he found your home? I hope you’re not giving your address to men you don’t know well. Please be careful and take care of yourself. With love, Bp

      • Sam says

        Hi Bobbie.

        Thanks for the reply. I made a mistake by giving him my address cause we were planning on our first date. Actually, he was gonna pick me up for church thats why.OMG! you should have heard our conversations…Wooow! I am so disappointed. I give up on man & dating. I think I’m better off single.

        Thanks again:)

  5. denis says

    Hey,I have been talking to this guy for 2 months and we went on a date 5 times. he is kinda
    Guy likes taking everything slow. I don’t mind for that as long as he makes me feel special, but this month he got a new job and he has been so busy. We haven’t met for one month and last week he made plans with me for this saturday. I was so excited and got a card for his new job to celebrate, then planning to bake a cake for him. all of a sudden Friday night he texted me asking if I would like to meet with him around 11 pm!! I said we are supposed to meet tomorrow night tonight. why ? and he replied back saying he has to drive up his back home for the weekend to see his family. I did not reply him back. I got pissed off. It has been a week since this happened. He has not texted me still. What am I supposed to think?
    If u give me advice I appreciate it. Thanks :)

  6. Ani says

    Hi Bobbie,
    on Saturday I have got a message from a guy on online dating which he likes to get to know me.so I called him and he was a doctor and was very interested to know me. I send more pictures of myself and he send me more pictures of him .the conversation was going fluently (by the way I am 37 and he is 40) both of us never married and no kids.
    then after he asked me about my job and education I told him I only have a diploma but attending to college now which is written in my profile and even in his profile he has mentioned (any education is ok for him). He asked me if I want to have a kid so I told him its too late now to have a kid since I am almost 38.he continued talking and also told me oh we can e-mail each other incase there is no reception where I work and gave me different options to stay in touch with him.so everything was great and he was suppose to call me next day.he didn’t call or e-mail me and now I am desperately wondering why he didn’t call me. is it because I don’t have a degree or don’t want to have a kid? he told me I am so beautiful and every guy would say that.. so what happened.
    I did everything you have advised. Told him it was nice talking to you and I hope we do it again and he said sure we will. I even told him you have a very exciting job and I want you to tell me more about it….
    today is Thursday and there is no call from him.
    I don’t want to call or text him so he won’t think I am attracted to his degree or money and don’t know what to do?
    I would really love to hear your advice and your great help.
    thank you.
    Ani

  7. Ani says

    Bobbie I forgot to mention that this doctor told me he has never been dumped or refused by any girl and he was the one who was always dumping or refusing girls.
    Ani

  8. says

    I see this type of dating advice all the time.
    its full of judgement and projection (if you accept a same day date you’ll be the woman he plays with, etc.)

    Here is a man’s perspective if you are interested.

    I’m generally considered a pretty good catch. I have 2 college degrees, have worked professionally for years and then built my own business. I’m late 40′s and have enough to retire now if I choose. I’m responsible and reliable and keep my word. When I can’t I take it seriously and do what I can to make amends.

    I’m also spontaneous and enjoy doing some thing fun just because. (I’ve been known to fly to Hawaii with one day’s notice just because I was tired of dreary January weather).
    I understand people cannot always be completely spontaneous, but I enjoy it when it’s possible and I appreciate a woman who is flexible and easy to be with.

    When I perceive a woman is following “dating advice”, I stop calling. I want a partner who can be them self, express what they want and feel, and be honest enough to be vulnerable.

    Dating advice is a game. Trying to present yourself in a certain way, make sure not to show too much interest, etc. In short, it “Managing” your image and the relationship.

    It lacks honesty, integrity, and sincerity, and men I’ve spoken with feel the same. In fact, while I will simply stop calling a woman who displays this, many men will put her in the “play around” category and won’t take the relationship seriously.

    If you want an honest relationship, then set the tone by being honest from the start. If it makes you uncomfortable to wait all week to know when and where (that’s understandable) then let him know.

    If he said Saturday, go ahead and plan on the date and if you decide on a 2nd, it’s easy enough to say, “can you let me know ahead of time next time?” If the 1st date never happens because he flakes, then at worst you have avoided all of the problems of an unreliable person for the cost of a single evening.

    It isn’t needy to express what you want.

    If you play “dating advice games”, then you get “Dating games” in return. We always attract what we send out.

    • says

      Well, Tom, thanks so much for your opinion. Your advice is great:
      If you want an honest relationship, then set the tone by being honest from the start. If it makes you uncomfortable to wait all week to know when and where (that’s understandable) then let him know.

      If he said Saturday, go ahead and plan on the date and if you decide on a 2nd, it’s easy enough to say, “can you let me know ahead of time next time?” If the 1st date never happens because he flakes, then at worst you have avoided all of the problems of an unreliable person for the cost of a single evening.

      It isn’t needy to express what you want.

      Here something for you to ponder: Take your own advice. If YOU were practicing lack of judgement and projection you might have read my other 100+ articles here and learned that I encourage women to do exactly what you say you just love about women: be real, show your interest, tell him what you want. Jumping on one line of one article to this diatribe makes me think you’re quite the judgmental dude yourself. Perhaps you can make a little more investment in time and kindness before coming to such harsh conclusions. Best of luck in love to you.

  9. jeannie says

    bobbi met a nice gentleman. after a few dates he confessed he had another lady friend who lives in another state and is a snowbird he goes home for 6 months. he says he loves us both he does not know what to do. I care for him very much but cannot accept this relationship. so I walked away but miss him very much and still love him.

    • says

      Jeannie…Sorry but a man who loves someone (the other woman) then goes looking for or dating another woman (you) isn’t a man of quality. Great you walked away. Keep walking, ok? Hugs…Bp

  10. Sam says

    Hi,

    I was chatting to a guy on internet. He wanted to see me quite a few times but I said no as I thought he was kidding or may be a play boy. Last night around 11:00 he said again do you want to meet up? I said yes in a funny way. He seriously came out and drove for 2 hrs to see me. We went somewhere, sat inside the car as the shops were closed. He as really nice. He didn’t do anything wrong. He was a pleasant respectful guy. All I came to know is he is a bit messed up with his life so wanted to meet someone new. I appreciated his honesty. He even made me promise to see him again. After he dropped me home I texted him thanks i had good time. It was 3 in the morning. still now he hasnt replied me yet. I called him just now, he said he was bz whole day and didnt hav internet on phn whereas i saw him online on watsapp. I can clearly see he is lying. And while talking the call got disconnected. May be his phn died or I dont know. I called back it was switched off.. Still now he didnt call me back yet..What do i do now? I really liked him. And he seemed really into me. Mostly he made me promise to see him again and he even wanted to exchange phones so that i do see him again. I really dont know what to do now. Please help!!

    • says

      Hi Sam…..I know this is frustrating but I think the article answers your question. He may or may not be back in touch but it doesn’t really matter. You don’t know this guy at all, but you’re hanging all this hope on him and a couple hours you spent with him. Sorry, it’s not realistic. Just live your life and if you calls again, great. If not, nothing lost because there really isn’t anything here. Do you see what I mean?
      Go out and have a nice day. If it’s not this guy it’ll be another. Hugs…

Trackbacks

  1. The Ships’s Voyages…

    I think technology just can make it worse. Now there is a channel to under no circumstances care, now there will not be considered a probability for them to find….

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