Should You Call Him if He Doesn’t Call You?
It’s Monday and you’re talking on the phone with a nice guy you’re interested in. After some chit-chat he finally asks you out on a date. It goes something like this:
Nice Guy: Do you want to go out for dinner Saturday night?
You: Yes, that would be nice.
Nice Guy: Okay, I’ll call you later in the week to firm up the plans. I’m looking forward to it.
You: Me too. Talk then.
[Click.]
You: Woohoo!!!!!! (Okay…I added that on for dramatic effect.)
You like him, and you’re looking forward to Saturday. In fact, you’re already wondering what you’re going to wear and what you’re going to talk about.
Wednesday there is no call. Thursday there is no call. Friday morning comes, and you wonder, “Do we actually have a date?” You’re disappointed: maybe a little mad. You’re fretting over what to do next.
You email your friend or your dating coach and ask: What should I do? Should I call him?
Unfortunately, this is a common situation — especially when you’re meeting men using online dating. What follows is my email exchange with my private coaching client, “Jean.” Not only do I answer whether she should call him, I help her make sure this situation doesn’t happen again.
Here is her letter to me:
Hi Bobbi:
My date for Saturday hasn’t confirmed place or time. If I don’t hear from him by this afternoon, is it okay if I email or call him and ask him if we are still on?
~Jean
——————–
Hi Jean. No. I would not email or call him. I know it’s difficult to wait…kind of painful even. But he asked you out and, although it was up in the air about the details, it was set to do a particular thing on a particular night. That’s a date, right? Wait and see what he does.
Whether a man keeps his word is, of course, extremely important. It’s on your list as a must-have. You want him to know you’re serious about finding a man whose word you can trust and that you respect yourself and expect him to as well. As important is letting him take the lead, especially at the beginning.
The gal who emails “just to confirm” sends the signal she’s willing to accept him even if he doesn’t come through with his promises. And you, Jean, are not that gal. That gal also says “yes” when he calls on Friday afternoon for a Friday evening date. She’s the woman he plays with, not the one he marries.
I’m not saying that if he doesn’t get in touch, you should forget about him. Something may have come up out of the ordinary that prevented him from coming through. But it’s important to see what he’s going to do without prompting. Hold tight! This is where you set the pace for all that comes next.
And by the way, there’s a way to avoid this in the future. When he asks if you want to go out and then says he’ll call later in the week, tell him this very kindly: “You know, I’m really interested in going out with you, but my schedule is pretty hectic this weekend. [Make sure you qualify that it's this weekend so he doesn't get the impression you're so busy that you won't have time for him.] It would be great if we could make our dinner plans now. That way we can be sure it works out. Would that be okay with you?”
If he’s serious about getting to know you, he’ll spend the extra few minutes it takes to make a plan, or he’ll commit to when he’s going to call back with details. If he doesn’t do either, it gives you some valuable insight. Maybe he isn’t serious about dating and relationships?
Let me know how it goes, Jean. I’m here when you need me!
Big hug… ~Bp
Ronnie Ann Ryan - The Dating Coach
February 17, 2012
Bobbi – wahoo- great advice girlfriend! I tell my clients this key fact that separates dating life from the business world: “For women, there is no ‘Follow Up’ in dating!”
It’s his job to call, ask, confirm and picking the place is nice too! Don’t you do enough on your own? Let him do the work and you’ll be better able to judge his interest level.
bobbi
February 28, 2012
Ronnie — I’m so glad you chimed in! I miss you and Loved to “see” you here. Yup…let him do it for sure. But after the first date or so…ya better call him here and there. Otherwise he wont think you’re interested or may categorize you as a “princess” who want the guy to do everything! Love ya Ronnie!
AS
February 17, 2012
Totally sound advice – though it is always such a painful let down when you start the week on a high thinking you are going to go on a date and then as the days pass and he does not get in touch you feel lower and lower – but hey you are saving yourself from getting into a relationship which a man who gives you uncertainty and keeps you feeling on edge all of the time!
marian reidelbach
February 17, 2012
Yes,now we are given what words to say so we aren’t left dangling—Like my life is busy, can we set a time so it works out, Is that ok with you? Puts the ball in his court, and yes, tells us right there how serious he is about getting to know you. I enjoy knowing the words to say–for me that is hard, my gut says that doesn’t feel right, but What and How is always a problem for me. Thanks Bobbi you are great.
Marian
bobbi
February 17, 2012
Hi Marian! Glad this helps. One clarification: I prefer “This weekend is very busy” rather than “my life is busy.” Saying my life can 1) sound show-offy and 2) give him the idea you won’t have time to date…in other words you won’t have time for him. This is a common complaint among marriage-minded men about career women. It’s too bad because I think we sometimes go overboard trying to let him know how busy we are. (I know I did.) The truth for most of us is, even though our lives are very busy, we would most certainly make lots of room for the right guy. So it’s important he knows that. Keep reading and letting me know your thoughts! I love when you do!
marian reidelbach
February 24, 2012
Yes, I can see when you point out the difference of saying my weekend is busy as apposed to my life is busy—that looks show offy. I don’t think of my life that way at all, so don’t want to sound that way either. Thanks Marian
Barbara
February 21, 2012
Hi Bobbi. Love your advice. My nice guy of 3 mos used to ask me out on Sat’s date for the following Sat. This past month or so he just says he’ll call; and always has, but not until Wed to chat & ask about Sat, then confirms details early Fri….When I broached this topic a few weeks ago, he said because he wasn’t sure what he was doing on Sat…WELL! But we have been seeing each other every Sat, just beginning to talk about exclusivity (we are in our 60′s), but nothing for sure yet. I don’t now feel the need to push that, just trying to enjoy the moment(s), but I really like him. But I still don’t like feeling “feeling on the edge” Sat thru Wed…..Any advice?
bobbi
February 21, 2012
Hi Barbara. Yikes…I understand how frustrating this can be. Have you heard of this sales technique: Ask for the sale and then shut the heck up? That’s what I suggest here. All you can do is make it very clear to him that you care about him/enjoy his company etc. Be your best and real self and wait for him to make the next move. I don’t suggest you ask him “where he thinks it’s going” or challenge him about what else he may be doing. He’s still seeing you and seems to be keeping his word and showing up for you. Good chance he’s contemplating where he wants to go with the relationship. Give him the space to do it, and remind him how fabulous you are whenever you can. He will tell you what he’s thinking and what he wants when he’s ready. Only when you can’t stand it one more minute should you ask away. I wish you the very very best Barbara!!
Barbara
February 21, 2012
Thanks, Bobbi…….I’ve come a long way to think along those very same lines……..I’ve waiting years to start dating again, so have decided there is no need to be in a big rush now. I’m willing to follow his pace at this time, and I’m pretty sure he knows how much I care for him. (I’ve told him
) And without so many words, just his actions, and kindness, and gentlemanliness, I know he really cares for me too..I’m giving it time to allow us to genuinely feel emotionally closer. But he better hurry up!!! LOL….Thank-you for your blogs & advice.
Agu
February 22, 2012
Hi Bobbi, I am divorced since a year ago and separated from my ex from 2009. I never dated with anybody since then. I met a very nice man in a friend’s b-day party, we were watching each other during the party but we did not talk, and 2 months later he put in touch with me thru internet. He invited me twice or three times to have a dinner and I am so scared and silly I said no, he realized I am scared but he told me he will not say me anymore to get out, to have the same answer, so he doesnt write me since Monday, and he doesnt say anything about dinner since Saturday. What I do? I really like him! and I don’t really know how to come back! Thanks a lot!
bobbi
February 23, 2012
Hi Agu. Tell him you like him! A man with confidence is only going to ask so many times before he gives up. Just remember: you don’t know him yet. Get to know him before you decide you really like him, ok?
Agu
February 23, 2012
Thanks Bobbi! u r right, will see……. : )
Lynn
February 28, 2012
Hi Bobbi, I want to let you know I’ve been reading the e-mails. They have been very helpful and encouraging. I have confidence in talking with guys. During high school and college Ialways had guy friends but never got asked out. I had a friend point out that they were interested, but I seem to push them away. Sad to say I never asked what she meant. Any thoughts?
Katie
March 8, 2012
Hi Bobbi, well that was a great advice. I’m in online dating for a year maybe I should have a private coach like you, to guide me in my journey in online dating.
bobbi
March 12, 2012
Hi Katie! You bet! If you’ve been on for a year with no results then you may want to do it differently. Check out all my articles by selecting Online Dating under my categories here http://datelikeagrownup.com/category/online-dating/ And I have a great “Spruce Up Your Love Life” coaching package http://datelikeagrownup.com/coachingprograms/#online . Have fun!!
Bridget
April 3, 2012
This is great advice.
I was googling this very same question because I had a date with the time up in the air. The man has not called yet and it is already the day of. I’m glad I firmed up my belief that I shouldn’t call him. I have been that woman and I experienced the tone it sets. I definitely don’t want to go down that path again.
bobbi
April 3, 2012
Hi Briget! Yay! I’m so glad to hear — not that he didn’t call, of course — but that you’re feeling good about letting it go if he doesn’t. It is nothing about you or something you did wrong. And I really do believe that you shouldn’t call a guy after he clearly reneges on a promise. (yes, I consider “I’ll call Thursday to firm up plans for our date on Friday” a promise!) And you’re right, when you set yourself up to “be that girl” you are forever her in his eyes.
Sometimes there will be circumstances that are real and it’s clear you can overlook him missing the date. But if that’s the case he will call and explain. Great! Bottom line is that Good Guys love to step up and show up. You will find one of those!