Should You Call Him if He Doesn’t Call You?

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It’s Monday and you’re talking on the phone with a nice guy you’re interested in. After some chit-chat he finally asks you out on a date. It goes something like this:
Nice Guy: Do you want to go out for dinner Saturday night?

You: Yes, that would be nice.

Nice Guy: Okay, I’ll call you later in the week to firm up the plans. I’m looking forward to it.

You: Me too. Talk then.

[Click.]

You: Woohoo!!!!!! (Okay…I added that on for dramatic effect.)

You like him, and you’re looking forward to Saturday. In fact, you’re already wondering what you’re going to wear and what you’re going to talk about.

Wednesday there is no call. Thursday there is no call. Friday morning comes, and you wonder, “Do we actually have a date?” You’re disappointed: maybe a little mad. You’re fretting over what to do next.

Wednesday there is no call.

Thursday there is no call.

Friday morning comes, and you wonder, “Do we actually have a date?” 

You email your friend or your dating coach and ask: What should I do? Should I call him?

Unfortunately, this is a common situation — especially when you’re meeting men using online dating. What follows is my email exchange with my private coaching client, “Jean.” Not only do I answer whether she should call him, I help her make sure this situation doesn’t happen again.

Here is her letter to me:

Hi Bobbi:

My date for Saturday hasn’t confirmed place or time. If I don’t hear from him by this afternoon, is it okay if I email or call him and ask him if we are still on?

~Jean
——————–

Hi Jean. No. I would not email or call him. I know it’s difficult to wait…kind of painful even. But he asked you out and, although it was up in the air about the details, it was set to do a particular thing on a particular night. That’s a date, right? Wait and see what he does.

Whether a man keeps his word is, of course, extremely important. It’s on your list as a must-have. You want him to know you’re serious about finding a man whose word you can trust and that you respect yourself and expect him to as well. As important is letting him take the lead, especially at the beginning.

The gal who emails “just to confirm” sends the signal she’s willing to accept him even if he doesn’t come through with his promises. And you, Jean, are not that gal. That gal also says “yes” when he calls on Friday afternoon for a Friday evening date. She’s the woman he plays with, not the one he marries.

I’m not saying that if he doesn’t get in touch, you should forget about him. Something may have come up out of the ordinary that prevented him from coming through. But it’s important to see what he’s going to do without prompting. Hold tight! This is where you set the pace for all that comes next.

And by the way, there’s a way to avoid this in the future. When he asks if you want to go out and then says he’ll call later in the week, tell him this very kindly: “You know, I’m really interested in going out with you, but my schedule is pretty hectic this weekend. [Make sure you qualify that it’s this weekend so he doesn’t get the impression you’re so busy that you won’t have time for him.] It would be great if we could make our dinner plans now. That way we can be sure it works out. Would that be okay with you?”

If he’s serious about getting to know you, he’ll spend the extra few minutes it takes to make a plan, or he’ll commit to when he’s going to call back with details. If he doesn’t do either, it gives you some valuable insight. Maybe he isn’t serious about dating and relationships?

Let me know how it goes, Jean. I’m here when you need me!

Big hug…   ~Bp

 

 

 

 

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Comments

  1. says

    Hi Bobbi! I totally agree with everything you’ve said. If he’s serious, he would definitely make a plan or follow through with the date and exert a little bit of effort. Experience do tell us that though we’ve clearly sent out signals and signs, some men just wouldn’t call either because he is not interested or he’s just emotionally unavailable,

  2. Helga says

    I met a man online about six weeks ago who lives in another state. We talked on the phone once and texted and emailed a few times. We have a lot in common and there seemed to be a mutual attraction. We have seen each other’s photos. We planned for me to come see him but two weeks after I bought my plane ticket he asked me not to come see him. His house is being foreclosed and he is very depressed and stressed about it. He said his friends and family are telling him that this is not a good time for him to be meeting anybody. I told him I was sad not to be seeing him after all but I understood his situation and I agreed that his loved ones are right. It his been two weeks now and I have not heard from him. Is this a lost cause? What should I do if anything? I sometimes “like” his posts on facebook or comment on them to show I am still interested in being friends (he is an author and has a page about his latest book.) Should I let him call me? I am 49 and he is 54 and we have both been through divorce, him three times and me twice. We have both been single about three years so I don’t consider this too soon to date.

    • Helga says

      The one mistake we both made is agreeing for me to stay at his house instead of at hotel. I am totally new to online dating and he mentioned that its a no-no to have someone you met online come to your house. So we were off to a bad start in that respect too!

    • says

      Sorry Helga, but yes…please move on. For whatever reason he;s not ready. And I want you to ask yourself why you’re trying so hard with a man who isn’t giving you back what you need? Remember that dating like a grownup is about taking care of yourself. I don’t see this man as someone who can make you feel good about yourself and your life. Give this thought…and find one who can. xxxooo’s. Bp

      • Helga says

        Thank you so much for your kind and wise feedback, Brandi…this is my first foray into dating since my divorce and what a bummer!! I am moving on! Love your website too!

  3. Deanna says

    I met this guy 2 weeks ago. Gave him my number and he called and text, not everyday, but I never initiated but did answer him. It took about a week to get together becasue he asked me for coffee the day after I met him but I had plans. Then we made plans for the next thursday but I had to cancel due to work. but we rescheduled for coffee on Sunday. We had a coffee it was great conversation and then he asked when I would be free for dinner. so we made a date for Friday. The date went great, he text that night said he had a great time and wanted to do it again. that Sat I text him hi and he said hi and then we talked for a few minutes and then he asked me for coffee for the next day. the next day he text and said cant make it for coffee got up too late. That was the last I heard from him it has been a week. He is just recently seperated too. I am two years out of a 20+ marriage and I am 50. This is so different than dating when I was 20 years old. I am not sure if the text I sent the next day would make or break the deal. Should I text him and say hi or ask him what happened? He cancelled the date and I feel that he should make the effort to get in touch with me. I am so dumbfounded??!

    • says

      Hi Deanna, No, your text didn’t do anything that affected whether you’re hearing from him. You may never know why he disappeared, my friend. It could be one of a thousand things, 999 of which have nothing to do with you. I don’t want you to spend another minute trying to figure it out. Here’s the thing: If a grownup man is interested you will know. And he will stick around. Move on, ok? And if you hear from him great. But if not, it’s NOT about you. It’s about him and he did you a favor. Hugs, Bp

      • Deanna says

        Hi Bobbi
        thanks for the quick response. I am so glad I found this site and read stories that are just like mine. Its been a week and I am doing good. What really hit me was something I read on your blog saying why am I stressing over a guy I dont even know. Coffee and Dinner hardly a chance to get to know someone. I am over thinking what did I do wrong, I showed up, had fun, gave him a great date. I couldnt have given any more than than. so I am going out this weekend and doing it all over again.

        thank you again, I love this site!!!

        Deanna

  4. Jenny says

    Hi, Bobbi!

    A guy asked me out mid week and wanted to get together within a couple of days. I wasn’t available until that weekend, and I let him know. We agreed to a date that weekend. He said he would call me to firm up plans. That weekend came and went with no call. The following weekend, he started texting me, once a day for 3 days. There is nothing in his texts to suggest an apology. Do I let him know he messed up? Truth is, if he were to apologize, I would want another date. But the way I see it now, I don’t want a guy who treats me like that. Ok not to text back at all? I’m usually an extremely communicative person in my other affairs. Like if this were a business meeting or a friend, I’d let that person know I was waiting for their call. Thoughts? Thank you!! Warmly, Jenny

    • says

      Hi Jenny – If he asks you out again and you have a date, let him know that you’re glad to have a chance to get to know him but that you would like it if when he makes plans he keeps them or contacts you to cancel. No need to make a big deal, just let him know you respect yourself and your time…and expect him to do the same. Hugs, Bp

  5. Rachel says

    Hi Bobby,
    someone asked if it was okay to give my number to this guy she knows . I said yes. He texted me last Wednesday asking when a good time to call was. I got this text the next morning and texted him with a good time to call me. We spoke over the phone Thursday night. He unexpectedly called Friday to see how I am doing. On Thursday he said he wants to call me Saturday night. We spoke on Saturday night. On Saturday he said he wants to talk to me again either Monday or Tuesday and that he is going to be in town next week and wants to meet me. We became Facebook friends about 4 hours after the call. He added me as a friend. It is now Thursday night and he hasn’t called me. I saw that yesterday he posted on Facebook and he was on Facebook today but didn’t post anything. I haven’t texted or called him I don’t want to be the desperate girl. How do I know if he likes me or not and whether or not he is playing that 3 days or one week rule where he doesn’t call to see what I will do? Any advice would be appreciated thanks

  6. Iphie says

    Hi Bobbi,

    I met a guy online. We spoke on the phone a few times, then he asked me out on a date. Our first date went well. He seemed really into me. By the end of the date, he asked me out on a second date. I agreed to go out with him again. When I got home that night, I sent him a brief text message letting him know I had a nice time. He responded to the text, expressing the same thing. Two days later, I sent him another text to say hello and wish him safe travels on his trip. He responded warmly and mentioned that he was thinking about me. Its been 6 days and I have not heard anything from him.

    I am quite puzzled, as I thought things were going well with us. I have never had this happen to me before, so I am not too sure how to handle this. Should I reach out to him again?

    I am used to being pursued by men. In this scenario, it is almost starting to feel like I am doing most of the work. What are your thoughts?

    Thanks.

    Iphie

    • says

      Hi Iphie. Sorry, but your last statement says it all. If you’re doing most the work then this gentleman isn’t someone you should waste any more energy on.
      Who knows what happened between your date and now, but something has. And it has nothing to do with you. Remember that you hardly know him at all. Whatever your feelings are about him are likely more about what you’ve imagined. Maybe premature future thinking.
      Move on with you life, ok? If he calls again great. But for now assume he’s moved on. And that you’re not missing anything. There are lots of men out there.
      Hugs. Bp

      • says

        Thanks so much Bobbi for your advice! I actually started to think that it had to do with me – I felt sending those text messages after the date may have made him think I was too eager, and affected his behavior towards me.

        I will move on and keep reminding myself that it has nothing to do with me.

        Thanks again!

  7. moon says

    the majority of these guys dating online need a therapist….and they just love the chase ….. could not care less about the catch, lol. they are just wired like that and the internet provides the perfect forum for the chase. ladies….don’t put all your eggs in one basket until you have a diamond ring on your finger. date around, like they are doing….don’t sleep around, though.

    • says

      Hi Moon. You’re so right about the “don’t put all your eggs in one basket” but i”m not sure you have to have a ring before your can feel safe in the commitment a man is offering. There are so many signs that show you a man is “IN” the relationship and in love with you. I don’t agree, though, that most guys need a therapist. I think most need an open, non-judgmental heart to greet them…just like we do. Hope you read LM’s account of how dating is for a man. You might find some compassion there. Hope you do because there are a lot of nice men — just like women — looking for love.
      Oh, and agree too with your don’t sleep around advice. Right on, sister. Thanks for your comment. Hugs, Bp

  8. Nancy says

    Hi. I dated nice guy for over a month. We went out dancing once a week. Last date he drop me off and said he was going out town to meet some people. On Monday for 2 or three days.
    He always asked me out on tues or wed. Before he left town he got in touch Monday morn and said if I could give him call because he leaving that afternoon. I was tied up at time couldn’t call. I said I can call u in afternoon, and he said I will be gone by then.I felt Like don’t call and bother me I was shocked. So not word from him whole time he Gone. Then he ask me out on Thursday morn for fri night date. I text him I already had plans for weekend. He say ok thanks. Been six weeks now not heard from him. Shall I call or text
    Him? Before he left town I text him maybe another girlfriend your going to meet. He text back oh goodness how did you guess? Was he just be cocky or was it truth not sure? Sure wasn’t the answer I was wanting to hear.
    Thanks-Nancy

    • says

      Hi Nancy, I’m sorry it’s been a delay since you wrote this. I respond as soon as I can. I hope you see by now that this man should be forgotten…move on. He’s not making any effort. When a man likes you, you know it. He goes out of his way to see you and talk to you. Think about whether you’re “reaching” for a man to want you, Nancy. You deserve more than this! I hope you can see that and not waste time with men who don’t show up for you. Hugs, Bp

        • says

          Good for you! Feels good, doesn’t it Nancy? And if you do hear from him, that’s great! If not, you can continue to live your life. Believe me, there are a lot more out there than one guy! Hugs, Bp

      • Sue says

        Hi Nancy,

        I met this guy when I was working part time in a restaurant. He is loud but shy person (at least to me) because whenever he comes, he will give me this shy look and he don’t dare to look me in my eyes for long before putting his head down knowing that I looked back at him and smile.

        It is a while before he dare to pop up the question “Let’s go dinner sometime” with a continuing whisper of asking me whether I am single. I too nodded shyly to him.

        I got his number somewhere and took the courage to text him. He was excited and straight asked me out for dinner the next day itself.

        The first date was late as I my classes are all at night and he picked me up after my class. I could see that he was really tired. Hard labor work. He was really sweet, he held my hand in the car, we kissed and he was really into me but I didn’t prolong the night even he wanted to show me his place.

        He asked for a second date and I knew everything just happened too fast due to the influence of alcohol plus I am really into him. It was all fine after that night. He sent me back early in the morning and the same night he initiated a text asking me how was I. The coming two days was stressful to me and I missed him so much. I appeared in front of his place without thinking twice after 2 nights. He seem to be alright of me appearing in his place, even gave kisses before I left. He asked me for a 3rd date.

        I anticipated so much for the 3rd date but he called only at 9pm to let me that he was still at work and couldn’t make it. I was really upset but I didn’t show it to him. He ignored a lot after that, got me thinking a lot and finally wanted to give him up until suddenly he calls a few days after asking again for dinner after my class. I offered to go his place but he told me he couldn’t make it again. I was really upset but I didn’t show him and asked him to do his work. But he told me he wanted to see me and talk. And he asked for lunch the next day. I agreed but the next day he had a little accident and broke his toe. That’s the 3rd time of the 3rd date not working.

        I showed my care to him and then he asked for dinner again after a week. At first he mentioned a day that I wasn’t free. So I told him maybe some other day. Then he said what about the next day. So I agreed with the next day.

        Busy with stuffs, we weren’t in touch before the day came. On that day I text him asking him what’s the plan but there wasn’t any reply. In the evening I asked him again but he also didn’t reply me. It had been three days and he gone missing from my life. He is still alive of course seeing some of his updates in social network. But I am really confused with this guy. I like him a lot and really want to know him more.

        Please advice.

        • says

          The next time he says he’s going to call you, look him in the eye and say “I hope when you say it, you mean it. I’m looking forward to it.” That way he knows that you’re sincere and interested…and if he is too he will call you! If he doesn’t you know he’s not really seriousl Good luck! Bp

  9. Sam says

    Hi,

    I was chatting to a guy on internet. He wanted to see me quite a few times but I said no as I thought he was kidding or may be a play boy. Last night around 11:00 he said again do you want to meet up? I said yes in a funny way. He seriously came out and drove for 2 hrs to see me. We went somewhere, sat inside the car as the shops were closed. He as really nice. He didn’t do anything wrong. He was a pleasant respectful guy. All I came to know is he is a bit messed up with his life so wanted to meet someone new. I appreciated his honesty. He even made me promise to see him again. After he dropped me home I texted him thanks i had good time. It was 3 in the morning. still now he hasnt replied me yet. I called him just now, he said he was bz whole day and didnt hav internet on phn whereas i saw him online on watsapp. I can clearly see he is lying. And while talking the call got disconnected. May be his phn died or I dont know. I called back it was switched off.. Still now he didnt call me back yet..What do i do now? I really liked him. And he seemed really into me. Mostly he made me promise to see him again and he even wanted to exchange phones so that i do see him again. I really dont know what to do now. Please help!!

    • says

      Hi Sam…..I know this is frustrating but I think the article answers your question. He may or may not be back in touch but it doesn’t really matter. You don’t know this guy at all, but you’re hanging all this hope on him and a couple hours you spent with him. Sorry, it’s not realistic. Just live your life and if you calls again, great. If not, nothing lost because there really isn’t anything here. Do you see what I mean?
      Go out and have a nice day. If it’s not this guy it’ll be another. Hugs…

  10. jeannie says

    bobbi met a nice gentleman. after a few dates he confessed he had another lady friend who lives in another state and is a snowbird he goes home for 6 months. he says he loves us both he does not know what to do. I care for him very much but cannot accept this relationship. so I walked away but miss him very much and still love him.

    • says

      Jeannie…Sorry but a man who loves someone (the other woman) then goes looking for or dating another woman (you) isn’t a man of quality. Great you walked away. Keep walking, ok? Hugs…Bp

  11. says

    I see this type of dating advice all the time.
    its full of judgement and projection (if you accept a same day date you’ll be the woman he plays with, etc.)

    Here is a man’s perspective if you are interested.

    I’m generally considered a pretty good catch. I have 2 college degrees, have worked professionally for years and then built my own business. I’m late 40’s and have enough to retire now if I choose. I’m responsible and reliable and keep my word. When I can’t I take it seriously and do what I can to make amends.

    I’m also spontaneous and enjoy doing some thing fun just because. (I’ve been known to fly to Hawaii with one day’s notice just because I was tired of dreary January weather).
    I understand people cannot always be completely spontaneous, but I enjoy it when it’s possible and I appreciate a woman who is flexible and easy to be with.

    When I perceive a woman is following “dating advice”, I stop calling. I want a partner who can be them self, express what they want and feel, and be honest enough to be vulnerable.

    Dating advice is a game. Trying to present yourself in a certain way, make sure not to show too much interest, etc. In short, it “Managing” your image and the relationship.

    It lacks honesty, integrity, and sincerity, and men I’ve spoken with feel the same. In fact, while I will simply stop calling a woman who displays this, many men will put her in the “play around” category and won’t take the relationship seriously.

    If you want an honest relationship, then set the tone by being honest from the start. If it makes you uncomfortable to wait all week to know when and where (that’s understandable) then let him know.

    If he said Saturday, go ahead and plan on the date and if you decide on a 2nd, it’s easy enough to say, “can you let me know ahead of time next time?” If the 1st date never happens because he flakes, then at worst you have avoided all of the problems of an unreliable person for the cost of a single evening.

    It isn’t needy to express what you want.

    If you play “dating advice games”, then you get “Dating games” in return. We always attract what we send out.

    • says

      Well, Tom, thanks so much for your opinion. Your advice is great:
      If you want an honest relationship, then set the tone by being honest from the start. If it makes you uncomfortable to wait all week to know when and where (that’s understandable) then let him know.

      If he said Saturday, go ahead and plan on the date and if you decide on a 2nd, it’s easy enough to say, “can you let me know ahead of time next time?” If the 1st date never happens because he flakes, then at worst you have avoided all of the problems of an unreliable person for the cost of a single evening.

      It isn’t needy to express what you want.

      Here something for you to ponder: Take your own advice. If YOU were practicing lack of judgement and projection you might have read my other 100+ articles here and learned that I encourage women to do exactly what you say you just love about women: be real, show your interest, tell him what you want. Jumping on one line of one article to this diatribe makes me think you’re quite the judgmental dude yourself. Perhaps you can make a little more investment in time and kindness before coming to such harsh conclusions. Best of luck in love to you.

  12. Ani says

    Bobbie I forgot to mention that this doctor told me he has never been dumped or refused by any girl and he was the one who was always dumping or refusing girls.
    Ani

  13. Ani says

    Hi Bobbie,
    on Saturday I have got a message from a guy on online dating which he likes to get to know me.so I called him and he was a doctor and was very interested to know me. I send more pictures of myself and he send me more pictures of him .the conversation was going fluently (by the way I am 37 and he is 40) both of us never married and no kids.
    then after he asked me about my job and education I told him I only have a diploma but attending to college now which is written in my profile and even in his profile he has mentioned (any education is ok for him). He asked me if I want to have a kid so I told him its too late now to have a kid since I am almost 38.he continued talking and also told me oh we can e-mail each other incase there is no reception where I work and gave me different options to stay in touch with him.so everything was great and he was suppose to call me next day.he didn’t call or e-mail me and now I am desperately wondering why he didn’t call me. is it because I don’t have a degree or don’t want to have a kid? he told me I am so beautiful and every guy would say that.. so what happened.
    I did everything you have advised. Told him it was nice talking to you and I hope we do it again and he said sure we will. I even told him you have a very exciting job and I want you to tell me more about it….
    today is Thursday and there is no call from him.
    I don’t want to call or text him so he won’t think I am attracted to his degree or money and don’t know what to do?
    I would really love to hear your advice and your great help.
    thank you.
    Ani

  14. denis says

    Hey,I have been talking to this guy for 2 months and we went on a date 5 times. he is kinda
    Guy likes taking everything slow. I don’t mind for that as long as he makes me feel special, but this month he got a new job and he has been so busy. We haven’t met for one month and last week he made plans with me for this saturday. I was so excited and got a card for his new job to celebrate, then planning to bake a cake for him. all of a sudden Friday night he texted me asking if I would like to meet with him around 11 pm!! I said we are supposed to meet tomorrow night tonight. why ? and he replied back saying he has to drive up his back home for the weekend to see his family. I did not reply him back. I got pissed off. It has been a week since this happened. He has not texted me still. What am I supposed to think?
    If u give me advice I appreciate it. Thanks :)

    • Mm says

      You made him a cake and got him a card and he didn’t show. You’re way too invested in something that doesn’t exist.

  15. Sam says

    Hi Bobbie

    I’ve been talking with this guy online for about a week. He seemed as a very nice guy and most of all he sounded like he loves God dearly in such a way that we’ve been planning on going to church on our first date and go eat lunch afterwards. I understand that his job occuppies him a lot but he finds time to call or text me whenever he get a chance.Well,to cut long story short…the day before we were suppose to meet he just suprised me, came into my house after not commumicating with me for the whole day. He brought me flowers and all was well, we talked about the time he’ll be picking me up for church the next mornimg.We were both excited about the next morning but Sunday came, got all dressed up and waited, he never came nor call. I called to ask if he was still coming but he didn’t pick up his phone, I texted him wanting to know what was going on, there was no reply…I don’t wanna lie, I was misserable the whole day,took my clothes off and went straight to bed, I was really hurt because I didn’t see it coming, I keept on thinking to to myself what would have went wrong but couldn’t find any answers. I deleted his number same day cause I don’t wanna caught myself up calling or texting him ever again. But deep down I’m still hurt..Can you tell me what would have went wrong maybe.

    Thanks

    • says

      Hi Sam.
      I have no idea what went wrong. And you may never know either. I know it feels bad but you cant control what others do. You can only control how you respond to it. It may help you to read my responses to the other questions and comments here. Be sure to do that, ok?
      I wonder btw how he found your home? I hope you’re not giving your address to men you don’t know well. Please be careful and take care of yourself. With love, Bp

      • Sam says

        Hi Bobbie.

        Thanks for the reply. I made a mistake by giving him my address cause we were planning on our first date. Actually, he was gonna pick me up for church thats why.OMG! you should have heard our conversations…Wooow! I am so disappointed. I give up on man & dating. I think I’m better off single.

        Thanks again:)

    • Mm says

      Sounds like he came to check you out before the date to see if the connection was there. You met online. That’s why coffee is a better first date option. He may have appeared excited to see you tomorrow because who is going to say well now that I’ve met you, I’m not interested. He should have been honest but it’s hard so he just didn’t answer for the date. If he wanted you, you’d know it. He would’ve called you to arrange church time. And why does a stranger have your home address???!

  16. Ani says

    Dear and lovely Bobbi,
    Thank you so much for all your comments which helps a lot.
    Here is my situation.
    I have received a message from online dating (I met you at the gym a lot of time it seems like you love exercising. care to talk or chat ?we can even exercise together. let me know) so in respond I said (sure I would like to chat and exercise with you )in his message he put his name but I didn’t cause I wasn’t sure if he will respond.
    so now which is passing almost a week there is no respond from him.i checked his profile it say recently online, but when I am going to the search area he is not there.
    I do not know if I should send him a message again or just let it go.(I checked my sent message and it went through)
    What is wrong with these guys wow.
    Thank you again.
    Love Ani.

  17. Nancy says

    Hi, Bobbi–

    Your advice is always so RIGHT ON! I’ve learned to be pretty tough when it comes to situations like this because if you allow that behavior, it sets a bad precedent from the beginning. If I want a man with integrity and character who does what he says he’s going to do when he says he’s going to do it, that type of behavior is a deal breaker for me immediately. N-E-X-T is my new favorite four letter word!

    Your blogs not only remind me that I’m doing the right thing a lot of the time, but they’ve also helped me with some touchier situations when I haven’t exactly been sure of myself.

    Thanks again!

    Nancy

  18. Cookie says

    Hello! I have a situation I need help with. I am single with 3 children, 41 and divorced. I work full-time and raise my kids on my own. I have been at my job 14 years and have met a wonderful man there, work only. He started where I work 2 years ago and for this long I have felt like a teenager with a crush. I have not felt like this about anyone before. The last year or so we have been taking lunch together every now and then, I have brought him lunch to work during my off day. He is 44, single, never married, no kids and Shy, shy, shy. Did I mention shy? He tells me we need to go do something sometime or go to a nice place for lunch, but never elaborates on it. I got him a nice, personalized gift for his birthday the other day and gave it to him privately at work. He forgot he told me his birthday a year ago and I remembered. He looked at me surprised. He mentioned going out again and I responded “you have said that a few times before and I’m still waiting”. He tilted his head, smiled and just stared at me. I catch him staring at me a lot, he goes out of his way to walk past me at work. He is just so shy, quiet and he never really had much of a out-of-work and family life. I have not either. Where should I go from here? We have a lot of respect for each other and work can bring on some bad tension, but I will always wonder what could have been, if I don’t try something. Any ideas?

    Cookie

    • says

      Hi Cookie! Sounds like you’ve made yoru interest clear when you said “you have said that a few times before and I’m still waiting.” (Which, btw, next time I would say it less like you are daring him, ok? Not the best approach.) All you can do at this point is 1) nothing and just keep enjoying his company the same way or 2) say it straight out: do you want to go on a date some time?
      There is always the chance that he’s gay, not interested in more than being friends, or just so shy he’s not the kind of guy with whom you can really enjoy a relationship. One last thing: Read the rest of the comments here. You’ll see me say the same things time and again like: Are you really hot for him or are you stuck on some fantasy about him that you’ve created based on not really knowing him at all?
      There are lots of great men out there! With love, Bp

  19. Ani says

    Hi Bobbi,
    I enjoy all your responds, they are so helpful.
    It’s been 2 weeks that I have been talking to a guy which I met online, but we have not met yet. Last Saturday when I spoke with him late night he asked me to send a picture while I am dressed up (I was coming home from graduation party) and I said no becuase I am tired and beside that you already have several pictures of mine.so after that conversation he stopped calling me it’s been 4 days that I have not heard from him. He was suppose to call me this week to meet up but ..I am not really sure what happened and why he stopped calling me.
    I am controlling my self to not call him but is it right?
    by the way from the day we spoke over the phone I have been going online but have not met him ,but Saturday night he was online and he didn’t send me any message or a wink.
    I always have a problem with guys ..they either stop calling me or stop seeing me and the most we date is 3 or 4 dates and after that everything stoppes. i am really tired of this situation.
    I am 37 and still single.
    Ani.

    • says

      Hi Ani…move on sister. If he “dumps you” just cuz you won’t send him another picture then he was never really serious to begin with.
      It’s a good idea for you to consider why you are stuck on this guy and how you might better take care of yourself. You’re likely attached to the IDEA of A guy rather then the reality of THIS guy. You don’t know him at all and, besides, he sounds like a jerk.
      Success in dating is about making good choices and picking the right men. I know it feels bad, but you are in charge of all this. If you choose to get all wrapped up in a guy and situation like this then, sorry, you are creating your own “pain.” Give this some thought, ok? I think you’ll see that you’re likely choosing the wrong guys. I’ve written a lot of articles to help you with your decisions. Keep reading! Love, Bp

  20. Jen says

    Hi. A guy that works part time (second to his day job) at a cafe that I have frequented for over 7 years had asked me out in a round about way. First, let me state he is 33 and I am almost 41. We both have a love for tennis and he asked if I wanted to go to a match with him. I was a little confused that time because I was not sure if he like me or he was being friendly. He was very respectful and did not push any boundaries. I was really glad about this because despite not knowing where he was coming from .. I am not quite sure how I felt about him. There is an attraction, yes. So at the end of our meeting for the tennis match …he said we would “hang out”. No pressure or expectation …which I was fine with at the time because I was not sure what to make of the situation. I had not tried to contact him at all …I had been very busy and consumed with a business trip and car accident. Jumping ahead… he contacted me about with a lighthearted text 3 days after the initial tennis meeting. We had not spoken to each other for 2 weeks and he texts me talking about tennis and asked if I wanted to get together with him for a drink etc. Long story short, we both seemed to enjoy our evening at the end I tried to avoid being “kissed” because I was not sure if I wanted to go there yet. So we hugged and he said, “you know, you can text me too” …so I got the feeling he felt maybe I was not interested not sure. He then said …well even if you don’t “I am still going to hit you up”. Fine. After much thinking about the evening I decided I would like to see where it goes and am ready for that. There is a tennis tournament going on and I wanted to ask him if he wanted to get together later this week to watch etc. So I initiated a text Sunday evening about something regarding one of our favorite players. No response as of Monday morning …so I sent a second text saying Hi, how is your Monday. It is now Tuesday afternoon …nothing. I do not know if I should leave it as is or if I should make one real attempt to call and ask him if he would like to get together this week. I am baffled by the lack of response seeing as he was trying to get me to text and be in contact with him. I am not sure what could have “changed” over the course of the weekend. I understand people are busy …but …Dunno. Feel ridiculous being 40 and I am over analyzing this situation. I am just trying to date again …so all this seems so foreign lol. Anyway your advice would be greatly appreciated.

    • says

      Jen….You’ve done what you can. I recommend you stop and carry on with your life. Like I’ve said to almost all comments here (you should read some if you haven’t yet) if he’s in to you, he’ll get in touch. You may not ever know what happened. I know it feels icky but Don’t get stuck on this one guy that you don’t know very well. There are tons of good men out there! Bp

  21. dns says

    hey i met this guy through web site. we havent met for 5 months. we have been talking on and off. he asked me to go on a date 2 months ago. i accepted. i really like him. we hit it off. after 4 th date he has not called me for almost a week though. i m not a kinda girl initiating the text a lot or ask to meet with him until i m sure we r in a commitment relatinshiop. i m so worried he is not gonna text me again. i can not stop thinking of him. what should i do?

  22. donna says

    Hi,
    I meet this guy at his work been flirting for 10 months now. I went in to purchase for there event he asked what I was doing, I thought he meant after I left his business. We where talking so made him something a craft item I brought this in to him and he was so overwhelmed he thought this was so special. Than I asked him about the other day if he asked me out and said yes! I told him I’m sorry and would love to go so he now has my number ( I didn’t ask for his) Have his business number. This has been since this Monday and it is Wednesday night, how long should I wait? Should I call his business and just called to say hi or how are things going. I haven’t gone out over a year now since my divorce but we have known each other for many years from me shopping there. Thanks!

    • says

      Hi Donna. First, huge congrats for going back and clarifying his invitation. Brava!! Here’s my advice: Relax and live your life!
      He has your number and knows you’re interested. That’s all you should and can do. Now it’s up to him. If he’s interested and available he will call. Two days is nothing! Don’t call him, sister.
      This is something I want every woman to know: when a man is interested AND he is in the place in his life where he’s open and available…he will call. If he doesn’t it means something told him it wasn’t right. (That doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you!)
      You want a man who makes an effort so you have to let him. Also you want a man who has a life, right? He’s likely a busy guy. Two days is hardly enough time to give him to call.
      Again, relax and live your life. You did a GREAT JOB ATTRACTING HIM and there are thousands more like him.
      Love, Bp

  23. Sherry says

    Good morning,

    I was hoping you could help me. I met this guy online and we seem to have lots in common music, movies, etc. We made plans to meet tonight but I haven’t heard from him in almost a week. Is it something I might have said or done…I don’t know what to think. If I scared him away I would like to know why. Any advise would greatly be appreciated.

  24. Dangerously in Love says

    Hi Bobbi, there’s this guy I’ve been texting on and off now. The problem is, he doesn’t show much interest in me. Everytime I would tell him how I feel about him, all I’d get is an ”aww thank you!”. But it’s hard for me to leave him alone because he has all the best qualities in a man I am looking for and too top it off he’s mad gorgeous. He’s always complimenting me and calling me cute names once in a while. He does also sho interest that he wants to get to know me better; for example he would ask me when was the last time I’ve dated anyone and why am I so shy (I am extremely shy btw). But my problem is he never text me first, I’m always the one texting him. Sometimes I feels as if I’m bothering him. A few weeks ago he asked to
    see me I agreed to it but then got tied up at the last
    moment. When I texted him I couldnt see him and maybe
    we should reschedule, he did not respond so I took it he
    was disappointed. But then a couple of days later I texted him I missed him he respond ”no you don’t bcus you won’t
    let me come see you”.
    Bobbi I’ve been head over hills for this guy and it kills me to think he’ll never be mind. My friends say I’m better off and it probably wasnt might to be, and that’s why we never hooked up. But deep down I feel like there’s something theere. I’m just not fighting for what’s mine. Help me Bobbi!!!

    • says

      Hi. I know this seems hard but I can only answer the same way I do most questions here: when a man is really interested you know it. You don’t have to ask it wonder.
      I agree with your friends: move on. And I’d add this: give some thought about why you are so convinced he’s good for you. I don’t read anything that tells me that you even know him well or that he’s treated you in such a way that proves him to be a good man. I challenge you to think seriously about whether he is really someone special or whether you have imagines things about him and created this as a fantasy. There are so many REAL good guys out there. I trust you’ll see that this isn’t the real deal so you can and stop wasting time with someone who isn’t returning your interest. Be good to yourself. Bp

  25. Katie says

    Hi Bobbi
    I really like your responses! Youre a smart woman
    So met this guy through friends. we had a lot of fun one night with his friends, then he invited me to his party. we danced a lot. Then he asked me out. we finally kissed and had a lot of fun. then came the next date. was super nice and romantic. Although a heavy issue came up and I got a bit defensive. we were making out a lot and it was fun. he walked me home but I said its best if he doesnt come upstairs. Anyway, never heard from him since. We have mutual friends. We are facebook friends. Should I call and see whats up? Or wait and see if I might bump into him? or like one of his photos as a gesture to show Im still interested? Or just move on? I liked this guy!

  26. Lisa says

    Hi Bobbie,

    I had to laugh when I filled in the website name of this online form. I think I felt like a kid with butterflies when I met a man last Saturday (it’s Friday a week later), and I’ve felt like a heart-sick teenager since. I guess the “adult” part is on ice. I am wondering if there are any exceptions when you feel something you rarely ever feel when meeting a man? I met this person, without looking, while at a social event. We literally began a conversation over something random and proceeded to talk from 7:30 pm through 1:30 pm, without a care as to where our friends were or what they were doing. It’s rare to have such a connection, similarities, chemistry, and genuine interest on this level. I date often, in order to not get hooked on any one person; however, this one person stands apart. So the problem: After spending 6 plus hours in wonderful conversation, dinner, drinks, etc., he walked me to my car. It was a flirtatious night from early on and it ended with a very nice kiss. He commented that “we better say goodnight,” with an implied – “before we get into trouble.” This wouldn’t have happened however, because I am not one to move that quickly. We said goodnight. He and I live a little distance away from one another, but he had indicated all evening long, that this is not an issue. This man seemed more sentimental than most guys I’ve met. Not in terms of flattery, or romantic “lines”, but sincere, genuine, sweetness. To come to the point of this long letter, I have not heard from him since then. I am absolutely floored. Even as I write this, it still feels that a connection was made which was important. I don’t want to call, because I never call men first, but I do have a question. If everything felt as there is much promise to something more, would there be exceptions to time lapsing before he contacted me again? I could be wrong about him, or in denial, but something tells me that this was a very special encounter for the both of us. I’m hoping that no more than a solid week will go by, but I actually believe I would want to hear from him regardless. Thank you for your time and I apologize for such a long letter. ~ Lisa

  27. notsure says

    Hi Bobbi,

    I’ve read your awesome advice on my stories and I hope you can help me too. I met this very cute guy on a BBQ two weeks ago. We had a lot of fun and I was directly interested in him. Apparently, he was interested in me too, because he sent me a friend request on facebook a day later asking for a date. We met up a few days later and had a great time…talking, laughing, kissing, and he ended up staying the night (no sex though). We talked and made out almost until the morning. Later that day he sent me a message that he would love to see me again next week, for a dinner in his town. So I replied a day later, saying yes, I would love to see him too and I gave him the days of the week that would work for me. I also attached my cellphone number because we haven’t exchanged numbers yet. Since then (that was two days ago now), he hasn’t gotten back to me. I know he’s been home for his nephew’s baptism and was probably very busy, but he still hasn’t written back or send a text now that he has my number. Should I worry? Or maybe just sent a casual message, asking how his weekend was?
    A friend oh his (who is also a friend of mine) said that there was some trouble with this father who left the family and that maybe he had trouble at home.

    Shall I just keep waiting?

    Thanks a lot!!

    • says

      Hi Notsure. My guess is that this has already resolved but here is my response: I’ve said this a hundred thousand time and i warrants saying it again: When a man is interested you know it. Something probably came up in his life or he learned something that told him you weren’t a great match for him. That’s the reality of dating. If hes’ still interested he’ll call. Just continue to live your life and refrain from grabbing on to one guy you don’t even know. There are zillions more wheere he came from! (As an aside: not hearing from a guy for two days is no big deal. People have busy lives, right?)

  28. Confused says

    Thanks for your reply Bobbi. That’s what I thought. If a man is interested he wants to snap you up before someone else does. But my friends think differently and believe theirs been some miscommunication from both of us and that I’m intimidating to men because Im very attractive and rather fiesty. I really like him and have thought of no one else for the past 3.5 years. But hey ho I guess it’s time to delete his number again. It feels all to “gamey” .

  29. Confused says

    Hi Bobbi. You give really sensible advice so I thought I’d ask your thoughts on my situation. I’ve known this man through work for 5 years. We are both in our 40’s. There has always been an attration between us and initiated somenmild flirtiflirting which became o’re overt about 3.5 years ago. Unfortunately work and family became hard and I had to go off sick with stress for 6 weeks. He phoned me through out this period and we for a coffee and he asked me to call him, which I didn’t. After I returned to work he suggested that we meet for another coffee nit two weeks later I had heard nothing. A colleague told me they thought he was living with someone so (cringe) I texted him that He couldntngo out for a coffee with me if he was with someone. He phoned me, told me he wasn’t seeing anyone and that was that. However he appeared to go out of his way to say hello or talk to me at work. If we bumped into one another and would do me special favours and phonee at work on silly pretexts. Months later I was in a supermarket and we bumped into one another (actually he went out of his way to do so) and had a coffee together. He told me he thought that I had got the wrong idea (I was mortified but hid it) then told me that he was sorry he hadn’t arranged a coffee with me and that we got on and had a laugh and that he cared about me. I didn’t fully understand but after he carried my bags to my car and, me on the cheek and told me to call him I guessed he was interested. I hoped he would contact me but he didn’t. So six weeks later I plucked up the courage and asked him out in an email. He answered straight away that he would like to but needed to find out what shifts he was working and would get back to me. A week later he phoned to say that he couldn’t meet for 3-4 weeks. I presumed he was politely brushing off so kindly said not to worry if he was busy. On reflection he did try to persist a bit but I still declined. 4 weeks later he rang me at work on a work matter and said that we’d agreed to go out together. I reminded him that we want as he had said he was too busy. I was childishly curt with him. I fancy the pants off him but so do most the women where I work. I was scared. Still he persisted in phoning for spurious reasons now and again and we would chat for a while. I left my work department a year ago and told him I was leaving. He only asked if we would still have contact, which we will but very rarely. I hoped he would ask me out but he didn’t. Anyway 4 month’s ago we had to speak on the telephone and he asked me to call him when I was around. Needless to say I didn’t. id deleTed his number long ago. A week agohe rang me for no good reason and we had a chat and again he asked me to call him. I told him I didn’t have his number and he said he would text it to me. He tested me his work mobile and asked if I’d like to have Aaron coffee and catch up sometime soon to which I very happily agreed. Now a week later I still haven’t heard anything from him. What gives? Am I being impatient or childish. I don’t want to play games and don’t want to be with a man who doesn’t care about me.

    • says

      Dearest Confused, I’m going to say this straight: what gives is that he’s not that interested. When a man is, he doesn’t drag it out for weeks and months. This guy is “otherwise engaged” with some other woman or just digging the attention and dragging you along for his ego ride. My advice is to STOP with him and go look for a man who shows you proper interest and attention. He’s just not right for you and seems “the chase” is all that this is about; maybe even for you more than him. Sometimes we can get all caught up in the challenge and the ego of it all. Step back…I think you’ll see that this guy isn’t worth your time or confusion. Nothing’s happenin’ here. There’s way more where he came from and many are way better for you. Hugs…

  30. Tara says

    Hi Bobbi!

    I’d like your input on my situation. Recently, I’ve reconnected with my crush from Jr. High school. We went on two dates and seemed to hit it off nicely. We had agreed that if we were just friends, we would remain friends because we enjoyed each others company. If there was something more, we’d take it slow and see where it goes. Well, the chemistry was definitely there! We were two dates in and a lot was discussed. He had said he’d like to see me during the week since we had still lived a block away after all these years (wild right?). I didn’t feel comfortable with that right off the bat, even though I knew him…he’s still a guy I was dating. He asked about meeting my son, I told him that takes time for me. He understood… He asked me out at the end of the second date for the third date. He text me on Thursday, things got a little weird. I didn’t hear from him all day Friday or Saturday. I text him where are we meeting up that evening and he text back, “No not hanging out tonight.” I was hurt, confused, and pissed off, to be quite honest. If I didn’t text him, would he have even let me know? I responded with an Okay. Then on Monday afternoon he text me apologizing for Saturday, he said he had been in a funk for a few days now. I didn’t respond right away. He text again, “are you mad at me?” I told him, “why would I be mad at you, disappointed maybe, but not mad.” He said, “sorry to disappoint, but I had a lot going on.” I cut the conversation short and have yet to hear from him. I am not sure what I want here…giving myself until Saturday to figure that out. Any advice, I’d greatly appreciate it. Thanks again, Bobbi! <3

    • says

      Hi Tara, First, congratulations on setting your boundaries. I’m sure you did it kindly and in a way that assured him that it wasn’t an issue of mistrust. (You did do it that way, right?) I don’t know if you’ve heard from him but that doesn’t really affect my response. Sometimes men disappear. Sometimes they are still “in” but just need their own time. I suggest you don’t try to figure him out except to the extent of trying to understand his need for alone time. Beyond that, you need to focus on you. Did he actually stand you up? Did you have a specific date planned or did you assume it was going to be the next weekend? If he stood you up, then pay attention to that. It’s not something that should be acceptable or taken lightly. Just saying you’re disappointed doesn’t seem to be taking care of yourself. You wouldn’t want him to do that again and he needs to know. If you have the opportunity, have a kind and open conversation about it and then ask yourself if he’s a man who still want to get to know. If you didn’t have a specific plan then respect his needs and don’t take it personally. If you don’t hear from him again or go out again it’s because it’s not right. Maybe he saw something he knew wouldn’t work between you. Or maybe he has personal reasons he doesn’t want to enter into a potential relationship. If you got along and you have a friendship, have a grownup conversation about this. If he simply disappears, then move on and use this experience as an opportunity to learn some new things about yourself and how you want to date. Best to you!

      • Tara says

        Hi Bobbi! Thanks for answering my questions so quickly, I appreciate it. :) I’m pretty sure I set my boundaries in a kind and reassuring way. As for the date, we just agreed on seeing each other the following Saturday, there wasn’t an agreed upon time and place. Prior weeks he’s contacted me a few days prior to firm up the date, though. But not this time. I think he has a lot to work out for himself, maybe he’s not ready for something more serious. He did say that he doesn’t want to be jealous of my son. He wants to feel like a priority in my life. I found that a little tough to hear, I let him know that I was a package deal and if he couldn’t handle that, then he needs to let me know now…if not, that’s fine by me. I told him he’s not a little kid (the date) he’s a grown man. Maybe that was too much, but I’m sorry…that’s my son! I’ve yet to hear from him, but I’m not sure I want to continue this with him anyway; there’s wayyyy too much stress and drama. Who needs that? We shall see…thanks again, Bobbi! <3

  31. Stephany Baker says

    Hi….I’m in a little dilemma.I met this guy-about 16 Years ago…and we remained really good friends!!!Throughout the time of known him…he would try to ask me out….but I was in a relationship.So-we recrossed each others path(again)The chemistry was mutual.We kicked it-after our years of knowing each other….”Sex!!!Well-u know sex brings emotions…..so I had to make sure he was clean slate-let me see what hes about etc.Remind you-we were friends….nnnnbit not on the level of Sex!!!So anyway-I did my detective psi work on him…….come to find ojut this MF’r is married….(Broken:( …….It crushed me!!!!!I was like”wow”!!!If course he trys to justify saying-they were seperated…..then he’ll say…….we getting a divorce!!!All thee excuses……to TRY too COVER HIMSELF UP! !!!!!!But it didn’t register…..I left him alone…..now he has contacted me again…saying he’s getting a divorce….what should I do…?I’m in Love with him….what do I do….?He wont leave me ALONE! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • says

      You’re not going to like it but I’ll tell you what I think you might consider doing: run from the hills and never talk to him again. Why are you “in love” with a liar? He didn’t tell you he was married. Why would you believe him about getting divorced? I’m sorry Stephany. but I recommend you give serious thought to what it is you are attracted to and if he would really be a good mate for you. If not, just tell him “no” and to leave you alone. He will only know you are serious if you completely block him out. Then he will leave you alone. Best of luck to you. Bp

  32. Val says

    Hi bobbi! I have been talking to this guy over a month now. We’ve been on a couple of dates. He used to called at least 3 to four times a week we talked a lot on the phone an some texting. Last saturday after valentine’s day he set up a date for a dinner and movie well he called me on saturday at noon and said he has a hangover because he went out with his friends the night before and he wasn’t feeling good at all. So around 4 o’clock that day i texted him and asked what time he want to go out but he didn’t respond until 6 and said he doesn’t know and that was the end. Until now he still hasn’t try to call to text me at all. So my question is has he lost interest already? Hope this is not too confusing but i am looking forward for your advice. Thanks

    • says

      Hi Val, I’m sorry but, for whatever reason, I don’t see that he’s that interested. Besides, a guy who cancels a date because he’s hungover doesn’t sound like a guy I’d waste my time with. I know it feels a little crappy but it’s part of dating. Grab on to the fact that he’s not for you and that you’ll never know “what happened” or why he lost interest. There are tons of good guys out there and I hope next time you expect more. When a guy cancels like this my advice would be to thank him for calling and tell him to have a good life. And move on. Hugs…Bp (If you’re not already registered for my Grownup Girls’ Night Out free webcasts I suggest you do so. I talk about this type of issue a lot because it’s such a common question. Click here to register.

  33. wondering says

    I have been dating a guy exclusively for the last 8 mos. we are both divorced with kids, and the frequency of getting together has been more infrequent than our daily texting and talking on the phone. He just recently started to stress about the security of his job future, and asked that we slow things down but wanted me to “bear with him until he gets his feet back on steady ground.” Just the day leading up to that conversation he’d been the one to plan out our whole weekend – sleeping over, activities, etc. Then he didn’t stay over, had the conversation with me about slowing down, etc. He has gone from texting/calling every day to infrequent “touching base” over the last couple weeks. I have no idea what he wants – not sure what to do. No “booty calls” during this time, just so you know. He keeps saying he’ll call (once he texts) that eve., but then doesn’t. Did call the other day and said he missed talking but he’s already starting to feel stress-free and getting more clear. What does this all mean? I really don’t want to play games back…want to keep it real. Not sure of what I’m “keeping” tho. Thanks for any help!

    • says

      Hi Wondering. It sounds like you’ve had a nice relationship for some time but now He’s got some serious life changes/decisions. He also had a conversation with you about it rather than just disappearing. With just this little info he seems like an okay guy. Sometimes men need to solve their own problems and we just need to let them. You know…the cave thing. I suggest you let him know you care about him and ask him what he needs from you during this time. If he is a good man and you care about him it may be a good “investment” to hang tight and just be there for him. At the same time I suggest that you get clear on YOUR needs and boundaries in this relationship. Balance those two things, take care of yourself and hang tight for as long as it’s okay with you. Good luck girlfriend. It will work out the way it’s supposed to as long as you are clear and communicative.

  34. MT says

    I met a guy online. We went out one time, had a great time, then he disappeared for a month citing ‘he was busy’. He reappeared. We texted/talked like nothing has happened and have set this Saturday to go out. Time and place were not firmed up though. It is now Wednesday and still haven’t heard back.

    I know I shouldn’t call/text to confirm (I texted him “Happy Monday” with no response yet). He should reach out now. Do I go ahead and make other plans for Saturday since I haven’t heard from him? Or should I still say yes to going out with him when he calls back anytime between now and Sat? I don’t want to be his ‘go to girl’ just when he’s bored or because he doesn’t have better plans for the day. If I make other plans, is it OK to say that I did so because I didn’t hear from him? But I’m afraid that would end our dating.

    Please advise asap. Thanks.
    MT

    • says

      MT: I didn’t need to read past “he disappeared for a month citing ‘he was busy’. He reappeared. We texted/talked like nothing has happened…” Please please please don’t put up with this crap. This isn’t a guy who is interested in any kind of relationship with you. If he was he wouldn’t treat you like you’re disposable. I know this is probably hard to hear, but I can’t say it enough. Now, if you don’t want a relationship stick with him. Buuuut, if you want to find love…run for the hills! And after you do ask yourself –and I”m saying this to everyone reading — why am I choosing to go after a man who doesn’t show much interest in me? Why does he still matter to you? Is it him you’re really pining over or just the IDEA of him? It’s worth examining. I bet you’ll learn something really valuable about yourself when you come to the answer. You have my love and support and I hope you keep learning and looking for good men. Bp

  35. Heidi says

    Hi Bobbi,

    These responses are great and very illuminating. My situation started out the same nearly, although my guy is a person I have known for months and been crushing on. He FINALLY asked me out but oddly gave me his number. I texted him and we made a date a few days later. On the day of though, I had still heard nothing from him, so I texted to which he responded something along the lines of ‘im up for anything.’ — uhhh ok?! Regardless, we had an amazing time, he took me out for a very nice dinner. I also contacted him for the second date, (because I realized in retrospect that his questioning of my schedule was probably aimed at a second date). SAME THING with the second date grrr! I had to contact him, but it was a great date. Full disclosure, we did sleep with each other both times. When I said goodbye he firmly indicated that I would see him again. It has been 8 days without a call or text from, and I’m miserable because I truly cherish my connection with this man. However, I haven’t contacted him because I don’t like this feeling that I am dragging him around! Any suggestions?? I am beside myself.

    • Heidi says

      anyone have any response to this? His ‘no-calling’ behavior has progressed to absurd levels. He’ll ask me to go on a road trip and then i won’t hear from him. In all, weve had 6 dates. I didn’t hear from him for 2 months between the 5th and the 6th, but on that date he told me that he wanted me to be his girlfriend. Any thoughts?? I have since moved to a different city, perhaps that was his last effort. I am sooooo puzzled. And so in love. I feel like he’s my other half.

      • says

        Hi Heidi. I’m sorry you’re sad and frustrated but it sounds like from the beginning you have allowed his behavior. You basically taught him that even if he didn’t show up or step up, you would still see him. (And maybe sleep with him?)

        When a man is interested he will take the lead. Yet it seems that it’s you who calls and texts and sets up dates.

        You are in love with a man who doesn’t keep his word and doesn’t go out of his way for you. Is this how you want to be treated for the rest of your life? I recommend that you think about what it is that makes you so attracted to him and if it is truly meaningful and grownup reasons. Make a list of what you like and don’t like. Ask yourself if you are happy – both when you are with him and when you are not. If you are honest with yourself I am confident you’ll see that your “love” is more of an infatuation rather than a deep feeling of being connected, adored and being safe with this man.

        For you and the other women reading this: The first clue he was going to be like this was when he gave you his number. My suggestion: NEVER call a guy who gives you his number and says “call me.” Give him yours and let him know you look forward to hearing from him. If he won’t take that first step them he’s not really interested. Move on.

        I wish you the best, Heidi. Take care of yourself. (I mean that literally.)

        • Heidi says

          Thanks Bobbi,

          You’re right, he’s not worthy of my affections. As far as his particular strain of ‘jerk’, I’ve began to think that’s it’s not the ‘he’s just not that into you,’ which I assumed at first. I have confronted him about the ‘no call’ thing, and he always gives me dumb excuses, ‘I’m so busy.’ If I wait long enough, he usually comes around and will message me to hang out. I think maybe he has avoident personality disorder, or is otherwise so mixed up from his divorce. I’ve reached these conclusions because our dates are spectacular. He really takes me out on the town – one date lasted 9 hours, no sex.

          Regardless, six months later, and I’ve reached the conclusion that I can’t give him any more of myself. This month I relocated to a new city. He wasn’t the reason, but it was a thought in my mind, escaping his confusing mixed signals.

          PS that is a good tip about not taking a man’s number. He did that to me twice and it always puzzled me!

          Thanks for the response. Lol, there are a lot of these comments.

          Heidi

  36. Crystal says

    Hi Bobbi,

    I do have a similar situation of dating guys. Just like some of the women here. Here it goes, I’ve been seeing this guy for about 3 weeks already. We started as friends and he always calls and text me like everyday even if he’s at work and busy he always find time for me and eager to see me after work even if its late he drops by at my place and have a chat he always look forward in seeing me. we went for dates but the next date (2nd date officially) that we had it was my birthday. few days before my bday he was so eager and had a lot of plans in mind. So for me as a girl i prepared a lot (dresses, research possible restaurants, weather etc.) but then the day came, he said he’s going to pick me up around 7.30 pm and no calls or texts. I panicked but i dont want to text or call him i might sound eager. but then i did. still no response. Until he called around 8.30 pm and was apologizing that he fell asleep!! he said he’s still going to come and pick me up and bring me to his promised restaurant he told me. To cut it short, the date went well but then he felt i was still upset. the next day he texted about me asking if im still upset. But i drunk texted him. Haven’t heard from him since then. What went wrong? Help. thanks! Crystal

  37. says

    Hi Bobbi,
    I met this guy about 6 weeks ago. We met for drinks. It went real well. He was texting every day and would send randon texts i.e. just thinking about you. We have had two follow up dates but averaged only once every two weeks. He lives an hour away and with the holidays it made getting together difficult. Then after our 3rd date, my daughter was coming for a week. He had said he wouldn’t text much with her here to give us our time. We still had contact nearly every day either text or phone calls. He had mentioned getting together the evening after she left, which he ended up having other plans. I havent seen him for going on 3 weeks now and it has been 3 days since he has contacted me. Should I just wait it out and still hope or just give up on hearing from him again?
    Kathy

  38. sara says

    hello,
    i know a man from a long time ago, as friends. i was married then, he said he loves me a few times. years later, i am divorced and single. we got back in contact and went out a few times, as friends. but then i told him i had feelings for him. he said he loved me for years and dealt with it and the friendship is too precious to lose. what does that mean? i told him i don’t want to see him again, and he asked me to reconsider and to stay on and see where life will lead us. then he dissappeared. i texted and emailed him and he replies distantly and shortly. did i mess up the love of my life?

  39. Bonnie says

    Really appreciate what you said about the not calling. I am so confused…I’ve been out with this guy a few times and I really enjoy his company and liked where things were going. The last time we went out he kissed me, but since then he has basically disappeared. I keep wondering if I did something or said something, but if I did then why kiss me? I am SO confused, I want to call but I don’t want to come across as needy or desperate.

    • bobbi says

      Hi Bonnie, It’s not a matter of you doing something wrong. He may have just learned something about you that makes him believe you’re not a good match. This is what dating is all about: you meet people, most aren’t The One, and eventually one is. Why did he kiss you? Because in the moment he was attracted to you and wanted to. Unfortunately that doesn’t translate to him wanting a relationship with you. If you’ve been out a few times, would it have been grownup of him to call and let you know he didn’t see you as a match? Yep. But both men and women are guilty of not doing that.
      Please stop beating yourself up. He just isn’t right for you and he knows it. Now it’s time for you to move forward. Having a better understanding of men will help you a lot. Keep reading here, and watch for my program on this topic. It’s coming soon. Hugs, Bp

  40. Lydia says

    I have been dating a guy off and on for about a year now… and he has gone as far as to block my calls when we fight and I still can’t stay away, however I don’t call him anymore.. BTW, he is Bi Polar so that is why he is so moody, however there is no excuse for treating me that way…and I know that.

    Recently we connected/hooked up/had sex again and I do all of the calling and initiating of conversation… I think I am the “go to” gal… and as of today I have decided that I am not calling nor texting anymore… if he wants more – he should work for it…

    We have tentative plans for tomorrow and as of now I am not holding my breath and I am ok with that….

    • bobbi says

      Dear Lydia…people treat you how you expect to be treated. You have given him permission to be a non-participating or contributing part of your “couple.” You are his go-to girl, not his girlfriend. Regardless of his medical challenge, it’s your choice: do you want to be someone’s toy or someone’s partner? We just covered this in my telecourse first session: Know and Love Yourself. If you’re looking for a good relationship with a good man, it ALL starts with you loving and respecting yourself. Get to work! Best to you!

  41. cassie says

    Hi Bobbie,

    I went in a blind date in Friday that went well. We had a lot in common and ended up sitting and talking for 3 hours, afterwards he walked me to my door, we exchanged numbers, and hugged goodbye. I received a text later that same night saying he was glad he went on the date and that he had a good time. I responded likewise and casually said we should do it again sometime. The next day we talked a little though test message (I text first, it was a continuation of a topic we talked about on the date) and we talked on and off throughout the day. Now I haven’t heard from him since Saturday and it is now Tuesday. Should I try contacting him again or is contacting him first 2 times too much? Wait for him to contact me? How long do I wait before I know he’s not interested?

    Thanks,
    Cassie

    • bobbi says

      Hi Cassie. I”d wait and let him do so. I know what it’s like: you think maybe he lost your info, maybe he’s been sick…any reason to believe he hasn’t “disappeared.” But the truth is that if he wants to see and talk to you he can and will. Remember that you don’t know him. You may have felt like you connected but if he does disappear it’s because he knows something about himself that tells him that you’re not a match. He will be doing you a favor.

  42. Yas says

    He called first, second but not third time i was debating with myself should i send him or not but finally couldn’t stay tight and sent but he didnt answer back.
    I keep thinking why he didn’t call back and what went wrong i dont know maybe if i was holding tight like other ladies here it would return better result.

  43. Brooke says

    Hi Bobbi,Can you help me?

    Me and a guy I really like,have been talking to each other for four months,their was one date 2 months ago and I met his parents a few weeks ago.
    This past week,he’s been busy with work ect. we really connected though. He has a dui and got his licence suspended for 2 years. But since last week he hasn’t contacted me at all. He has been having trouble at work.Should I just get on with my life or wait?

    • bobbi says

      Hi Brooke. I don’t know if he’s called yet but, if not, I think you should be grateful. He sounds like he has some pretty major problems in his life and he may be doing you a big favor by bowing out. So, yes, I’d say to absolutely get on with your life. And while he may be a nice man, you might want to ask if it was He that was such a great catch or if you were more attracted to The Idea of having a guy. Because to me, he doesn’t sound like a man who (at least now in his life) is ready to be a grownup life partner. Grownup dating is SO MUCH about being a good Picker. Are you doing that, ya think?
      This article may help http://datelikeagrownup.com/2010/04/why-you-should-be-happy-when-a-man-rejects-you-%E2%80%93-part-one-2/ .
      There’s a good man out there waiting for you to find and pick him! You have my love and support.

  44. tyna_tyna says

    Ok, I’ve met this guy over the internet as well and we talk the first day and things was fine. We talked a few days later and he was so shy about asking me out that he finally did everntually. But he asked me if we could meet and when and i asked me which day would be better and I said either friday or saturday and I’m unsure and he said that its fine to just give him a call to let him know. But he haven’t called or txted me in two days and today is friday. I am skeptical because I had txted him yesterday and i got no answer so I didnt call or txt. But now that today is Friday and I don’t knwo whether to call him or have him call me. And I am into this guy and I know he is as well but I don’t want to call just to make sure.. What should I do

    • bobbi says

      Hi Tyna – Other than “where do I meet Men?” this is the question I get asked the most: “He didn’t call me what do I do?” I’ll answer the way I (almost) always do: if you just connected and haven’t even had a date, if he doesn’t pursue you in any way, then, as they say, he’s probably not that into you. If you want to “go for broke” try texting him again and ask him to call so you can finalize your plans. If no answer and he doesn’t call, he’s moved on and so should you. And remember, you don’t even know this guy. Next! Oh, and next time, finalize the date when you’re on the phone by confiring place and time. Then there is no guessing later on. If he likes you, he’ll be glad to do it. Good luck!

  45. Laurie says

    Bobbi- I just stumbled across your website and am so happy I did. You advise seems to be spot on.
    I am looking forward to your input on a situation. Or my thoughts about a situation.
    I am in my 50’s…. Divorced almost 10 years. Been in a few long term relationships since. Haven’t really clicked with a good man in a few years. Out of the blue…or on Jdate…:)….I meet a great guy. First date lasts 4 hours. Time flew by. At the end of that date, he simply said “I had a great time. Good night.” lol…naturally…I “read into this”! Assumed he wasn’t interested. Lo and behold…he calls 3 days later to ask me out for a week from Saturday. Ok…a bit of a long in between time but I was so happy. We go on second date to a very nice restaurant. 6 hour date…. Dinner, dancing, talking, laughing….major chemistry! Two days after that date he calls. Asks if I can meet up for lunch. I can’t. Busy woman, working…etc. So he tells me he really wants to see me. He has plans Saturday night and his daughters bday Friday night but can I meet for a drink after work Friday before he meets his daughter. I say “sure” happy as can be. Then… As time goes by my brain starts going into overdrive. It seems clear to me that he has a date on Saturday night. He is squeezing me in to Friday. I am feeling like this is a step backward from our last Saturday night date. Obviously we have just met and obviously we are not in a relationship. BUT, I liked him enough to know that he would be a “front burner” guy for me. And I feel like he has already downgraded me from Saturday to Friday afternoon. This doesn’t seem like we are off to a very good start. It mostly feels like I can get hurt. I am thinking of canceling Friday…just saying I need to work. Is this massively immature of me or a good idea.
    Argh!! Beginnings are the worst!!
    Thx in advance.

    • bobbi says

      Seems like wayyy overdrive to me. You are totally making things up.
      He could have plans with anyone and even if it is someone else so what? Could be some he met before he even met you. Or a buddy. Or… You don’t know. But this is what dating is! And why these super-dates are a terrible idea. I just think it creates crazy expectations and it hardly ever works out.
      If you want to continue self-sabatogue, play the game and tell him you’re busy. Or you can try to get some perspective and see if you can just go and have some fun.
      Don’t mean to be harsh, but I think you already know this.
      Hugs…

  46. R says

    Hi Bobbi,

    I met a guy online and when he asked me if I’d like to meet up for a coffee sometimes during this week, I only said yes, it would be lovely to meet up, we’ll keep in touch. Have I been a bit confusing for him, as he didn’t reply, and a few days have passed since then. I don’t know whether he changed his mind or he wants me to get in touch with him first? What should I do?
    Thank you!

  47. joy says

    Great article Bobbi – and I enjoyed reading the comments and see that others have encountered what I have. Last time I saw the “object of my affection” his last words to me were “best date ever” – and I was over the moon – it really was a fabulous date! But I haven’t heard from him since. I’ve texted him and he responded right away – even sweet and chatty – but I haven’t seen him again. This is not someone I just met on the Internet, he’s someone from my past and the only man I haven’t been able to shake. But now, I know I have to … why someone acts the way they do is not even a relevant question at this point. The trouble is that it seems counterintuitive to let go … even though it is logical. I’m willing to go counterintutive, it’s just not easy. So thanks for all the support!

    Joy

    • bobbi says

      Hi Joy, Sorry about the disappointment. But you’re right: the “why” isn’t important. You should know that I have a couple coaching clients who are with great guys (one is engaged) and they where ones they met after being dumped. They felt awful but got back up and kept going. And they are now with the very next guy they dated. So keep going! There are lots of great men out there!

  48. M says

    Hi Bobbi thank you so much for getting back to me you really give great advice!
    Following up on my date, he did call it actually turned out that he was responding to every text I sent him but his phone was not working properly and I did not receive his messages till finally he thought I was ignoring him and not responding so he called.
    We went on our second date out to dinner last night and it was lovely. Planning a 3rd date for this week coming up! Taking it slow going with the flow and seeing what happens. I am happy he came around! I guess us as women over think things too much sometimes and it leads to insecurities and worry. In this case it was just technical difficulties.
    Thank you for the article I’m forwarding it to my BFF who was recently stood up buy a guy and she was pretty down. It will be very helpful for her to read it.

    Thank you again for your advice and kind words. :)

  49. M says

    Hi Bobbi, I met a wonderful guy that I instantly was attracted to and connected with he asked me out on a date to dinner at a nice restaurant that date got cancelled cause of his work, but we rescheduled for the next day. So for our first date he invited me over to dinner at his house. (we were both exhausted from the week and thought something more laid back would be nice) So he cooked for me a lovely dinner at his house and I had an amazing time we talked for hours and kissed a bit didn’t go passed that and then I left.
    As soon as I left he texted me how he had a wonderful
    night and told me he was still high from being with me.
    Since then we have texted back and forth we planned another date out for dinner this time. It usually takes him a long while to respond but he always gets back. Since our plan he told me you pick a place and time and I’ll be there so far I have sent him 2 texts to keep in touch and asking him if the area I picked was ok. I have not heard back from him at all and am really confused as is to is he busy, not interested or maybe something happened like lost his phone? He seemed excited to see me again and was very polite and has always responded till now. I thought we hit it off quite well. Our date is today and I still have not heard back should I call? Have I done anything wrong to give him a wrong impression? Some good advice would be great I feel pretty lost.

    Thank you!

    • bobbi says

      Hi M. So sorry. Just coming to your comment and not sure what has transpired. Did you/he call? I hope he did and you had a great date.
      Regardless, I wanted to share two things about this topic:

      1. That “we had a great time and he never called” thing is pretty common. A man can have a fantastic time on a date with you and never call again…and not be a jerk or a liar. He may just be being a guy. He may really enjoy himself but go home and realize that, though he likes you, he doesn’t see you fitting into his life. This is especially true of men who are looking for their forever mate. He may know something you don’t about why you’re not a good fit.*
      Now….that said: a guy who says he will call about an agreed upon date and doesn’t…even if he just figured you’re not the one, he’s damn rude.

      2. I know you know this: The best thing for you to do is just to live your best life, stay open and have some fun. He will show up.

      * Here’s an article about that:
      http://datelikeagrownup.com/2010/04/why-you-should-be-happy-when-a-man-rejects-you-%E2%80%93-part-one-2/

  50. ness says

    I met this guy a while back we hit it off really good and its about to be officaily two months since we started dating hes met my lil one and they both hit it off great he calls me baby and i overheard one of his friends say o you calling her baby now so you must really like her and he told his friend yea i do and everybody says we have perfect chemistry when we’re with each other we always “on” each other and pda is not and issue for us and we see each other at least twice a week for movie night…he remembers everything about me when i ask and hes always been there when i need him to be(i text him.my basement door was opened when i didnt go down there and he called me and told me he was on his way and to call the cops…he lives about 30-40 mins away and we both had to get up earli the next day for work)and everything been great until one day he didnt call (we text throughout the day but he always called me around 10pm then we get off at 1am) and hes hasnt done that or hell say hell call me back and dont do it he even told me that if he doesnt call me back i should call him but i dont want to seem like the desperate type or ill be sleeping…so one day he didnt call me at our usual time so i call him it goes to voicemail so i decided not to message him at all the next day. It worked because he did call me when i saw i didnt send my goodmorning text…and today he said he wanted to stop by he said no promises but i was looking forward to it so i gave in and messaged him saying i was looking forward to dinner and for him to come over lol…i really do like this guy and i could see myself being commited to just him but i have this fear that maybe hes just not that into me as much as im into him or that im getting played its been a minute that i actually cared about another guy so im thinking maybe its karma for all the hearts ive broken :( or maybe im just overthinking the whole situation and just see where things go

    • bobbi says

      HI Nesa. In a word: yes. You do seem to be over thinking. Finding love — truly connecting with another person — takes courage. It means opening your heart and letting him see who you are and how you feel. It means being honest. Do you risk him not doing the same? Yes. But if he’s someone who really cares about you I’d hate for you to lose him by playing games and testing him.
      I can’t tell you how he feels about you but I can tell you that if he’s a good guy who cares, over thinking and trying to manipulate will most certainly send him running. In other words, date like a grownup and you’ll attract the man who is right for you.
      Best to you! Big hug.

  51. Naty says

    Thank u for ur quick response! I will try to think of other things instead so i dont dwell on him. I still have hope on a call since i just met him 2 days ago. I hate this. Im upset that they dont even give me chance. Why r men like that? We give them a chance all the time and they wont even try.

    • bobbi says

      Men aren’t “like” anything Naty. Just like women they are all different. If he doesn’t call it probably has NOTHING to do with you, girlfriend. Men are different than we are. They generally aren’t out searching desperately for a partner. (Let’s face it, many women are. It’s in our biology.) So he met you, you seemed nice and he planned to call. And he very well might. Or maybe he got really busy at work, met someone else who knocked his socks off, his dog died…a thousand things could have moved you off his list of priorities.

      If a guy doesn’t call you – especially at the very beginning of knowing one another – it’s not because he’s a jerk or he has chosen not to give YOU a chance. He probably didn’t gave it a ton of thought and decide “oh, I don’t like her enough to see her again. I think I”ll never call her.” Because he’s not trolling for a wife he may not be actively pursuing every opportunity that arises. He’s probably just living his busy life with 1000 things that can distract him.

      All you can do is live your best life, be your lovely self when you meet men and, if you’re interested, make sure they know you are! If this is any kind of regular occurrence, maybe you can learn some new skills. If you don’t know how to make yourself memorable, then make a commitment to learn. There are many ways you can make a great impression so when they leave they can’t stop thinking about you. It will not only get you better results, it’s fun! Here’s a start: http://datelikeagrownup.com/2011/01/dating-over-40-why-hes-not-asking-you-out/. I recommend you don’t blame “them” or think harshly. Know that men are different and that we can do certain things to get and keep their attention. Oh…and then there’s always the “s/he just isn’t for me” thing. I hope this helps. Stay with it! There’s a fabulous man out there for you!

  52. Naty says

    Hello, i got a question and hope u can help me. I met a really nice guy last Sunday. We talked and he wanted me to go over his place (i know he was testing the water) so i told him NO that i didnt even know him. He asked me for my number and a kissed me. I suggested we could go for coffee or a drink later if he wanted to see me. He txted me an hour later saying it was nice to meet me and he was looking forward to seeing me later that night. I txted back saying it was nice and to call me to make plans. 9 pm comes around and he calls me. He says he is working late an can see me later. I tell him sorry but it was to late for a Sunday night but i could make it another time. He called an hour later and we talked. He seemed interested and said if he could invite me for dinner during the week instead. I dont plan on calling him but how long before i wait for his invite before i forget about him?

    • bobbi says

      Hi Naty –
      Consider it forgotten…right now. This is a major mistake we all make, and I mean ALL as I did it literally hundreds of times! We meet a guy for a second, pin our hopes on him, talk ourselves into a tizzy…and all the while he’s doing what he’s going to do. We have no control over it whatsoever. So…just live your life!

      Hope is a wonderful thing, but make it an overall hope and belief that you will find a fantastic, loving partner. Not a hope for every guy you meet that shows any interest. When he’s in front of you (after you get to know him) you will know it. This guy…he’s a blip in your life, so far. Keep it that way. Keep walking around smiling, stay online, or do whatever you’re doing to meet men. If he calls and asks you out like a gentleman, then great! He does seem somewhat interested and he very well may. But there’s as much a chance that he won’t. SO WHAT! You don’t know him at all. Don’t talk yourself into giving him more space in your life than he deserves. He’s a stranger.
      Make sense? And if you haven’t already, you may want to read my ebook. I think you’ll get a lot out of it, including where to place yourself and your value when it comes to men. Read about it here.

  53. Samantha says

    Hi bobbi,
    i’m experiencing this limbo that you’re talking about! i’m using online dating and had been talking to this guy for a few days before deciding to meet up. The date went amazing and he kissed me goodbye and said i’d see him very soon. He then texted me saying he was ill the next few days and that he didnt feel like seeing me again so soon. He also said he hadnt lost interest and that he cant wait to see me,five days after the date and the odd text he stopped talking all together after i texted him. Im so confused as to what i can do, i called him once but he didnt answer. Should i forget this guy even though i like him so much? Thanks x

    • bobbi says

      Yes. Sorry to say but it’s time to move on. It’s not what he says, it’s what he DOES. This is kinda common: a guy says all this lovely stuff in the moment — and he does believe it — but then he gets back to life and his priorities change.
      OR
      He’s a jerk.
      Either way…NEXT! Ladies, don’t get hung up on a guy who you talked to and.or met like once. Good chance you are more attracted to the IDEA of him rather than the real guy.
      Hugs…I know this can be hard. But you can do it!

  54. Barb says

    Can you help? I just got off the phone from 1st phone call after several emails. At the end he asked what I generally like to do on dates, and I mentioned “dinner, music, a movie, etc. I think he is a lot more “cultured” than I am- symphonies, foreign films I didn’t realize he meant on a 1st date or 1st “meet.” Then he said, “Well let’s stay in touch & we’ll plan something.” Sounded like kiss-off to me. Do I email him back and say generally on a 1st meet I feel coffee or a drink, or something casual is more appropriate, or do I just let it go? Thanks…Barb

    • bobbi says

      Hi Katie…Your mistake was letting him know you were busy in the wrong way. Here’s what to do next time: I’d would love to go out with you again, “Bob”, I really have fun with you. But I have a prior commitment. Can we make it another date? (No need to tell him if it’s another date, btw.)

      Can you fix it? It’s likely you can. Wait a week and see if he gets in touch. If not, call him. Yes…call him! After two dates and him asking you out again it shows he likes you, right? Men want us to call them. They get insecure too, and he likely heard that you weren’t that into him; especially since it was going on your third date. Call him and tell him that you’re really interested in getting to know him better and you’re afraid you gave him the wrong impression. Be honest, be vulnerable and be brave…it just may get you another date! Good luck Katie.

      • Katie says

        Well, I waited 6 days to text him and he text back almost immediately but said he was busy and “ttyl?”. Now it’s been a few more days and I haven’t heard anything more. Is it time to cut my losses or try a different approach?

        • bobbi says

          Hi Katie….Still no response? If so, I’m hoping by now you have moved on. Calling it “cut your looses” though sounds a little off to me. Maybe he had something else grab his attention (not necessarily another woman) or he just got snippy about you saying No to him. Either way he’s just a guy who didn’t end up being The One. There are more. If you haven’t heard by now…Next…

  55. Katie says

    Hi Bobbi. Excellent advice I’ve heard already. I have been “out of the game” for a while and could use an opinion….I have met a man and have gone out with him two times since meeting and after our last date he asked me out again and I told him I wasn’t sure as I MIGHT have other plans. The next day I told him I would like to see him and he told me he’d made other plans since he thought I wouldn’t be around and has been really short and distant with me. Did I screw up here?

  56. Bridget says

    This is great advice. :) I was googling this very same question because I had a date with the time up in the air. The man has not called yet and it is already the day of. I’m glad I firmed up my belief that I shouldn’t call him. I have been that woman and I experienced the tone it sets. I definitely don’t want to go down that path again.

    • bobbi says

      Hi Briget! Yay! I’m so glad to hear — not that he didn’t call, of course — but that you’re feeling good about letting it go if he doesn’t. It is nothing about you or something you did wrong. And I really do believe that you shouldn’t call a guy after he clearly reneges on a promise. (yes, I consider “I’ll call Thursday to firm up plans for our date on Friday” a promise!) And you’re right, when you set yourself up to “be that girl” you are forever her in his eyes.

      Sometimes there will be circumstances that are real and it’s clear you can overlook him missing the date. But if that’s the case he will call and explain. Great! Bottom line is that Good Guys love to step up and show up. You will find one of those!

      • Netta berry says

        I am in my 50’s, divorced for 10+ years. I met a man in a social setting a few months ago and about 2 weeks ago he asked me out. We went out and had a very good time and the chemistry is there; at least for me, and I think for him too. Other than me initiating a couple of texts, I’ve not heard back from him. We did tentatively set up a second date but that has come and gone with no contact.
        Your thoughts please. Should I contact him or plan to move on?

        • bobbi says

          Hi Netta, I suppose you could contact him but I wouldn’t have high expectations. I interviewed a panel of men and asked “What’s up when we have a great date and then we don’t hear from you?” Their answer: Well…it obviously wasn’t that great of a date for us. A man can have a great time with you but that doesn’t directly equate to another date. The guys also said, btw, that you can call — you have nothing to lose. But, again, not to expect anything. He’s probably moved on.
          There are tons of good guys out there. Go find them, Netta. Don’t waste time over a man you hardly know, okay?

  57. says

    Hi Bobbi, well that was a great advice. I’m in online dating for a year maybe I should have a private coach like you, to guide me in my journey in online dating.

  58. Lynn says

    Hi Bobbi, I want to let you know I’ve been reading the e-mails. They have been very helpful and encouraging. I have confidence in talking with guys. During high school and college Ialways had guy friends but never got asked out. I had a friend point out that they were interested, but I seem to push them away. Sad to say I never asked what she meant. Any thoughts?

  59. Agu says

    Hi Bobbi, I am divorced since a year ago and separated from my ex from 2009. I never dated with anybody since then. I met a very nice man in a friend’s b-day party, we were watching each other during the party but we did not talk, and 2 months later he put in touch with me thru internet. He invited me twice or three times to have a dinner and I am so scared and silly I said no, he realized I am scared but he told me he will not say me anymore to get out, to have the same answer, so he doesnt write me since Monday, and he doesnt say anything about dinner since Saturday. What I do? I really like him! and I don’t really know how to come back! Thanks a lot!

    • bobbi says

      Hi Agu. Tell him you like him! A man with confidence is only going to ask so many times before he gives up. Just remember: you don’t know him yet. Get to know him before you decide you really like him, ok?

  60. Barbara says

    Thanks, Bobbi…….I’ve come a long way to think along those very same lines……..I’ve waiting years to start dating again, so have decided there is no need to be in a big rush now. I’m willing to follow his pace at this time, and I’m pretty sure he knows how much I care for him. (I’ve told him :-) ) And without so many words, just his actions, and kindness, and gentlemanliness, I know he really cares for me too..I’m giving it time to allow us to genuinely feel emotionally closer. But he better hurry up!!! LOL….Thank-you for your blogs & advice.

  61. Barbara says

    Hi Bobbi. Love your advice. My nice guy of 3 mos used to ask me out on Sat’s date for the following Sat. This past month or so he just says he’ll call; and always has, but not until Wed to chat & ask about Sat, then confirms details early Fri….When I broached this topic a few weeks ago, he said because he wasn’t sure what he was doing on Sat…WELL! But we have been seeing each other every Sat, just beginning to talk about exclusivity (we are in our 60’s), but nothing for sure yet. I don’t now feel the need to push that, just trying to enjoy the moment(s), but I really like him. But I still don’t like feeling “feeling on the edge” Sat thru Wed…..Any advice?

    • bobbi says

      Hi Barbara. Yikes…I understand how frustrating this can be. Have you heard of this sales technique: Ask for the sale and then shut the heck up? That’s what I suggest here. All you can do is make it very clear to him that you care about him/enjoy his company etc. Be your best and real self and wait for him to make the next move. I don’t suggest you ask him “where he thinks it’s going” or challenge him about what else he may be doing. He’s still seeing you and seems to be keeping his word and showing up for you. Good chance he’s contemplating where he wants to go with the relationship. Give him the space to do it, and remind him how fabulous you are whenever you can. He will tell you what he’s thinking and what he wants when he’s ready. Only when you can’t stand it one more minute should you ask away. I wish you the very very best Barbara!!

  62. AS says

    Totally sound advice – though it is always such a painful let down when you start the week on a high thinking you are going to go on a date and then as the days pass and he does not get in touch you feel lower and lower – but hey you are saving yourself from getting into a relationship which a man who gives you uncertainty and keeps you feeling on edge all of the time!

    • marian reidelbach says

      Yes,now we are given what words to say so we aren’t left dangling—Like my life is busy, can we set a time so it works out, Is that ok with you? Puts the ball in his court, and yes, tells us right there how serious he is about getting to know you. I enjoy knowing the words to say–for me that is hard, my gut says that doesn’t feel right, but What and How is always a problem for me. Thanks Bobbi you are great.
      Marian

      • bobbi says

        Hi Marian! Glad this helps. One clarification: I prefer “This weekend is very busy” rather than “my life is busy.” Saying my life can 1) sound show-offy and 2) give him the idea you won’t have time to date…in other words you won’t have time for him. This is a common complaint among marriage-minded men about career women. It’s too bad because I think we sometimes go overboard trying to let him know how busy we are. (I know I did.) The truth for most of us is, even though our lives are very busy, we would most certainly make lots of room for the right guy. So it’s important he knows that. Keep reading and letting me know your thoughts! I love when you do!

        • marian reidelbach says

          Yes, I can see when you point out the difference of saying my weekend is busy as apposed to my life is busy—that looks show offy. I don’t think of my life that way at all, so don’t want to sound that way either. Thanks Marian

  63. says

    Bobbi – wahoo- great advice girlfriend! I tell my clients this key fact that separates dating life from the business world: “For women, there is no ‘Follow Up’ in dating!”

    It’s his job to call, ask, confirm and picking the place is nice too! Don’t you do enough on your own? Let him do the work and you’ll be better able to judge his interest level.

    • bobbi says

      Ronnie — I’m so glad you chimed in! I miss you and Loved to “see” you here. Yup…let him do it for sure. But after the first date or so…ya better call him here and there. Otherwise he wont think you’re interested or may categorize you as a “princess” who want the guy to do everything! Love ya Ronnie!

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