Dating? (Exactly) What to Say to Men in Difficult Situations
In dating, good communication is the key to meeting and attracting men…especially the right men. It’s also the key to developing and maintaining fulfilling relationships.
One of the most important ways I support my coaching clients is by helping them communicate well with men. Online or offline, good communication requires certain knowledge and skill. It’s a bit of an art, actually.
When challenging situations come up, I help women write a script that not only communicates effectively but also feels comfortable and true to who they are.
This week I helped “Kathy” tell the man she’s been out with four times that she’s not yet ready for intimacy. She was going to break it off with him, but I convinced her to try to tell him and see how it goes. He seemed like a great guy to me.
Kathy had that conversation (see our scripting below), and his response was, “Okay…I can do that. Thanks for telling me!” There you go. Not only did she avert ending a potentially lovely relationship, but she earned his respect and opened up the possibility of further meaningful conversation. Well done!
Here are some other things I’ve helped clients with this week:
- Showing a man she is interested without being too pushy. (Remember: Showing interest and taking the lead are very different things!)
- Apologizing and showing regret for something she said
- Writing killer emails that get read and get responses
- Answering the question “Why haven’t you been married yet?” when she goes on dates (Ugh..I used to get that question all the time! Guys: there is a better way to ask this.)
Here are specific examples for some situations.
| If you want to… | Instead of saying… | Say this… | |
| Show a guy you’re interested without being too pushy | I’d like to go out. How about Sunday? | I really enjoy talking with you. It would be great to do it again some time. | |
| Tell a man he is going too fast and she is not ready for intimacy | You’re going too fast for me! | I like you and I’m very interested in getting to know you. When I’m dating I find it works best for me to [fill in with how you would like to proceed]. Will that work for you/How does that sound to you? | |
| Write killer emails that are getting read and getting responses | Hi. I like your profile. I see we have many things in common.
Read mine and write if you’re interested. |
Hi, Bob.I understand what you said about [thus-and-such], and I completely agree. (Agreeing with a man is very complimentary.) I [did something that shows you have something in common]. There’s more to the story, and it’s pretty funny. [Create some intrigue and set up for future conversation.]
I’d like to know more about [something he has done]. Did you enjoy it? [Or some direct question that's easy for him to answer.] I’m looking forward to hearing from you. [Show that confidence, girlfriend.] |
|
| Answer the question “Why haven’t you been married yet?” | It’s none of your business OR because I haven’t found the right guy yet. | My life has been great but just hasn’t gone that way yet. But I’m ready and looking forward to when I meet that terrific guy. | |
It’s actually not so hard as we make it to be. Most men want to understand us, and they want to please us. They just want a little help!
This is no different than learning how to communicate with your boss or that passive-aggressive gal at work. You need to learn some basics, and then you need to practice.
Do you see the pattern in all these? When trying to address a potentially difficult situation:
- Be positive
- Be direct
- Speak from the “I”
- Don’t demand
Try these and tell me how it works for you! Leave me comments here or go to my Facebook Page and share your experience to help others.
LJ Maggie
January 28, 2011
This post is perfect for me right now. I am trying to figure out how to ask the guy I have been dating for four months, where this is going. Still not sure how to ask him.
Kathleen
January 31, 2011
It’s obvious that you think the man should dominate the woman. You’re setting women back a thousand years.
Your website is very demeaning because you blame all dating problems on the woman.
If your husband is such a great guy, he should educate other men on how to be equal dating partners to women.
You obviously believe in patriarchy, but the best relationships and marriages lean strongly towards the egalitarian.
Bobbi Palmer
February 1, 2011
If you read ALL my articles you’ll see that:
1) I ALWAYS tell women that if they aren’t being treated with kindness and respect from a man to run the other direction. In fact much of my coaching work involves teaching women how to flee from jerky guys and stop picking them.
2) All my advice to women is predicated on the fact that you are trying to attract a “good guy.” If that’s the case, then kindness to him is certainly in order.
3) My work — my passion — is helping women find love. This website is dedicated to that purpose. So when I focus on women and areas where they can shift their thinking and behavior..that certainly doesn’t mean I blame them for all the problems. It just means that I think they are here to learn about what THEY can do to find a fulfilling and loving relationship. They aren’t here to learn about what the guys are doing wrong.
Oh and last thing: your comment about my husband is remarkably like a previous comment I received. That my husband makes his living doing something other than coaching men hardly warrants your snide comment. You may find this too girly for ya, but here goes: I support my husband in anything he does. I am his biggest fan. Knock off insulting him please.
jeanine
February 17, 2012
you don’t know what you are talking about. I’m a homicide prosecutor, not exactly the type of girl to take a back seat to any man out there, and Bobbi’s advice is spot-on. It is possible to be strong and still let a guy be a guy. I’m guessing you are of the “men are intimidated by me because they can’t handle a strong woman” school of thought. Let me translate that for you: men don’t like you because you are a pushy you-know-what.
Kathleen
January 31, 2011
“I’d like to go out. How about Sunday?” is not a pushy statement. If a man has a problem with that, he doesn’t have a right to date.
If a man has a problem with a woman saying, “I’m not ready,” he is not qualified to date.
You have a double standard of kindness for women and men.
Bobbie, you are a male chauvinist.
Bobbi Palmer
February 1, 2011
Hi Kathleen – You are certainly entitled to your opinion. I’m sure you aren’t the only one reading this having those thoughts. Here’s how it goes: Men are attracted to feminine women. That’s how it is whether you like it or not. If you want to attract an “alpha” man as most of my readers and clients do, the best way to do it is to let him see (and enjoy) your feminine side. If you insist on being a bull in a china shop and constantly proving your toughness and smarts to men, it’s your prerogative. I did that for many years. It attracted all the wrong guys and kept me single. In no way does the fact that my husband was initially attracted to that equate to him being dominating (as you mentioned in your next post) in our relationship. Apples and oranges and the two can comfortably co-exist.
Drew
January 31, 2011
Warning, “relationship” talk usually causes a short circuit in a man’s brain.
Rather, what are his actions regarding your relationship? Men often speak through actions. Is he there for you? Does he show affection, respect, passion? Does he contact you for no reason except to see how you are doing? Does he compliment you and worry about your emotional state?
If you answer “yes” to these questions, you don’t need to ask him about the relationship. You have one and it’s strong. Enjoy it and don’t jeopardize it with a question that will short circuit his brain.
Bobbi Palmer
February 1, 2011
Good advice as usual Drew! I should have put that in my post: the one exception to telling him what you want is with relationship qualification. In that area you are always safest letting him take the lead. When he’s ready to tell you he wants to go to the next “official” step he will. Meantime, Drew’s list of signals are right on. Does he act like he wants to make you happy? Unless you are at a point where you are willing to leave the relationship if he doesn’t return your feelings, I’d stay quiet and enjoy it for now.
Drew
February 10, 2011
“You obviously believe in patriarchy, but the best relationships and marriages lean strongly towards the egalitarian.”
When the buzzword “patriarchy” is used, it’s a clear sign that the author leans towards misandry and a political ideology that has nothing to do with honest and intimate relationships.
Let’s keep the politics out of dating and the insults out of the dialog.
While the social expectation is one thing, our essential biological nature is revealed most clearly in the context of dating and relationships. Biology strips away all the nonsense of unrealistic social expectations and truly gets to the heart of the matter.
Kathleen has a political agenda and cares little for honest and the truly intimate relationship between a man and a woman. Ignore her.
Bobbi Palmer
February 11, 2011
Thanks Drew. Very insightful as always. I love the conversation!
Suzanne
December 3, 2011
What about in the case where a woman makes a comment that shows her as pushy, and the guy stops communication with her? Should the woman apologize for her actions, or should she just give the guy some space?
Innocent Bystander
February 6, 2012
I like the idea of having a script for those hard/awkward conversations. I can see how this could apply to non-romantic relationships too.
Beth Luwandi
February 17, 2012
I have to say, I have been learning about and exercising my feminine energy for more than a year and it has revolutionized my life and relationships. I was born very female and it is such a relief to walk in the strength and confidence of who I truly am. There’s nothing subservient about being true to myself and allowing the men around me to be masculine. Real men don’t hurt women and when I behave like a real woman, the real men separate themselves from the boys. In that way, it becomes easy to take care of myself… but not in a bitchy way that insults men and keeps them at arms length. Bobbi is right on.
bobbi
February 18, 2012
Wow Beth! You said this so beautifully…I couldn’t (and didn’t) say it better myself. I’m so happy to hear you have been mastering this. It’s easy once you give into it, isn’t it? And SO delightful. Men are wonderful creatures if you let them be. If you don’t mind I would like to use your words in a future blog post. They are just perfect. So glad you stopped by and shared your feelings here.
Beth Luwandi
February 18, 2012
I’d be honored, Bobbi, to have you quote me in your blog. I think this is such important work! While I had done tons of counseling over the years of a really difficult marriage, it wasn’t until I started engaging this kind of process that I truly had a break-through. I’ve never had a better life!
Trixie
February 24, 2012
I am learning so much about myself, dating and men, through Bobbi, Rose, and Rory that I’m finding myself growing more mature and knowledgeable every day in hopes of finally finding true love and happiness!!! I have been in my masculine for many years…and I’ve also been in too many hurtful relationships as well. I am so grateful to have happened upon these ladies and appreciate all they are teaching me
Thank you Bobbi,
Trixie
bobbi
February 24, 2012
Hi Trixie. I can’t tell you how wonderful it is to hear this from you. It’s really fun being a girl, isn’t it?? Rori and Rose are so special and I’m honored to be counted among them. Keep reading and keep learning. And make sure you give yourself a big atta-girl! You should be really proud of yourself.Keep in touch.