How to Decide When to Have Sex

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The ladies in my Master the Mystery of Meeting Men telecourse have been talking about S-E-X. When is it okay to have it? How do you decide? This is such an important conversation! You may think “I’m not even dating yet…who cares!” But the decision may be closer than you think, and I want you to be prepared. Sex can be a glorious part of a relationship. But for women, it can also wreak havoc on your emotional state. Having sex too soon can also mess up an otherwise budding relationship.

Getting this right is about clearly defining the boundary and behavior you will follow under all circumstances. This is key to maintaining your dignity and confidence, not falling for the wrong guy and keeping safe. Here’s some advice:

1. Know what you want and keep your eyes on the prize.

Are you looking for frolic with a great orgasm or for a loving, decent man to spend your life with? Figure it out and always head toward that goal. (Just like you do in the other aspects of your life.) And be sure you’re not headed there alone. Before you sleep with him, have “that talk.” What are his intentions and relationship goals? How does he feel about you? Is he willing to give what you need? Don’t guess these, ladies; you have to have the talk.

2. Don’t drink.

There’s a lot of emotion and body chemistry flying around when man meets woman. Do everything you can to keep your wits about you. Alcohol is actually a stimulant and doesn’t make you more charming. (Except to another drunk person.) If you must, savor one nice glass of wine. But until you decide it’s a good time to be intimate, lay off the booze.

3. Answer the question “Is he just hot or is he a hubby?”

If you’re looking for your husband or life companion, you have to approach dating with as much maturity and objectivity as you can muster. Muster it, girlfriend, and decide if he’s just charming and makes you tingle or if he has real depth and relationship potential. If he’s all tingle and no substance, I say slow the heck down or even run for the hills. If you have sex with this man, odds are you will fall for him…because that’s what we do. And then you’re hooked. I’d rather you wait and get hooked after you decide a man is good, kind and interested.

You can find my step-by-step “Merely Hot or Maybe Husband? step-by-step process in my newsletter: (It’s the Featured Article.)

4. Follow the Dalai Lama.

In his bookThe Art of Happiness: A Handbook for Living, the Dalai Lama talks about pleasure versus happiness. His advice: always ask yourself “Will this bring me happiness?” I try to follow this in my life in general; it’s a powerful guide to making good decisions. It’s especially handy when you’re considering getting physical with a man. Stop and ask yourself: will this make me feel good AND make me happy? Because you know from your many experiences that something that feels good now will not necessarily bring you happiness. (You know what I’m talkin’ about.)

5.  If you can’t talk about it, don’t do it!

If you can’t sit down with him and have an adult conversation about safe sex and about your relationship…do NOT sleep with him! That’s all I need to say on this point.

I’m all for having fun and enjoying some amazing sexual intimacy. But if you’ve got love on your mind, follow these tips. I assure you that they will limit your disappointment and help you find the happiness you so deserve.

Remember…always be good to yourself and love yourself as much as I do!

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  1. Luigi Casini says

    The protocols and practices of dating, and the terms used to describe it, vary considerably from country to country. The most common idea is two people trying out a relationship and exploring whether they’re compatible by going out together in public as a couple, who may or may not yet be having sexual relations. This period of courtship is sometimes seen as a precursor to engagement or marriage.;’

    Have a good day

  2. Laura says

    Thank you for this article. I have slept with a guy just because I thought he was hot and it never went anywhere. I have learned to put on the brakes and wait.

  3. Kara Hodges says

    I Just wanted to say how much I enjoy the things your write Bobbi and you always bring great insight in my life. Thank you :)

    • says

      Hi Kara! You know that I’m truly grateful to have the opportunity to contribute positively to your life. I admire your willingness to share so honestly and learn new things. I hope you know that you’ve become a great source of support to the other women in our Meetup Group. Keep up the great work…hope to see you at this month’s meeting. Big hug to you.

  4. Bethany says

    I’ve been a widow for almost four years now. My stepson moved to another state for college. My two 4 legged buddies said goodbye also through passing. I moved to another state, which is proving to be a wonderful start. Still in my 50’s I am retired also. I’m doing things I’ve always wanted to do and enjoy and love my surroundings. I’m ready to enjoy another man’s companionship and have been told that I should get gussied up and go out. I love to entertain and I love to go to events that interest me. I feel that if the right man comes into my life AS I live my life…it will. NOT because I got gussied up and attended events or social settings where the men are.

    • says

      Hi Bethany: First let me say how brave I think you are to make such bold steps to move forward after your losses. I’m glad that you’re focusing on creating a fulfilled life for yourself, and I agree that meeting a man while you live your fabulous life is the best way to go. A happy and interesting woman is a man magnet to be sure. However, getting “gussied up” has as much to do with you feeling attractive and good about yourself as it does about attracting men. When you feel pretty and feminine, that comes through. Now I know you’re not going out in your running suit with your hair in a bun, but I do encourage you to be conscious of how you dress and feel any time you venture out. You never know when he’s going to cross your path! And speaking of that, I do believe that you attract what you truly want, but you also have to put yourself in situations where you can be found. That’s not to say you have to go to single’s events or jump online. But looking for opportunities for socializing that include the possibility of including available men is a good way to go.Have some nice times, and I know you’ll find what you’re looking for. Thanks so much for stopping by and leaving your note.

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