Why Needy Women Get the Nice Guys

Needy women attract good men. “Low-maintenance” women attract jerks…or no men at all.

Is this counter to what you’ve always thought? Did you think that the less you expected from a man, the more he’d like you? Well, consider this:

A Good Man – one who is confident, mature and relationship-minded – desperately wants to give to a woman and make her happy. He needs to know that you need him and that he’s enhancing your already-great life. He needs to know that he can WIN with you.

A good man also wants to know that you respect and love yourself. He does not want to be completely responsible for your happiness. (That’s why I said he wants to “enhance” your life, not “be” your life.)

Now, say you’re the gal who doesn’t need anything (or at least doesn’t act like you do). Mr. Good Man will NOT pick you as a partner. He may sleep with you or be your friend…but he won’t marry you. If you don’t leave room for him to be your hero, and you don’t show that you know you’re worthy of him, he will leave before you can say “Why didn’t he call? or “Why am I always stuck in the friend one?”

On the other hand, let’s say that you graciously receive his compliments and show enthusiastic appreciation for the big and little things he does for you. Maybe you occasionally ask for his advice and let him open the pickle jar. You also make and keep boundaries, expect him to keep his word, and expect to be treated special.

That, along with your kindness to him, tells Mr. Good Man that you’re relationship material. You’re able to welcome him into your life, and you’re confident in who you are, what you want, and how to get it.

Isn’t it funny? All this time we thought being low maintenance got the guy. Actually, that was in high school. Now, as a grownup woman looking to share her life with a grownup man, not expecting anything only gets the guy who doesn’t want to give you anything.

So here’s some homework to help you decide where you stand with this. Look back on previous relationships (short or long) and answer these questions:

  • Were there any good guys who might have gotten away because you acted like you didn’t need him and/or didn’t seem to have any expectations of him?
  • Do you have a lot of buddies but no romantic mojo?
  • Are the men you’re attracting the Good Guys or are they just takers?
  • Do you know your boundaries, and do you stick to them?
  • How well do you show him that you respect yourself? If a cute guy asks you out for Friday night on Friday morning, do you accept? When he doesn’t call or shows up late, do you tell him it’s okay because you don’t want to scare him away? (I think he gets one free pass on these, btw.) When he’s telling you he’s too busy to see you week after week, are you still hanging on?
  • And…how is this working for you?

If you are surrounded by buddies, the woman men only have sex with, or you’re completely man-less…listen up! When you ask for nothing, that’s exactly what you get. Trust me: needy women get the nice guys!

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  1. Precious says

    What an insightful article! I must try to be more “needy” the next time I’m interested in a guy and see how it goes! I have been doing the exact opposite thinking it would make me more desirable.

    I have recently gotten back in touch with someone and wanted to see where it would go with them. Things started out great. He was calling me to get together days in advance, picking me up, opening doors, paying for everything and being respectful. Then he started calling me the day of wanting to see me or just hours before wanting to see me. Which I found disrespectful. I never brought it up to him thinking that it would scare him away and so he continued his behavior. Should I have put my foot down and confronted him? Would he have more respect for me if I did? Sometimes I feel like guys who start out great but then begin to go bad do it just to see how much they can get away with. And in the end to judge whether or not the girl is worth their effort and time. Am I right in this thinking? If I am right then your article makes sense in that it’s about gaining a mans respect, and you do that by being demanding.

    • says

      Hi Precious. I wouldn’t say you do it by demanding…no. You do it by helping him understand what you want and need. You’re sharing this and giving him an opportunity to step up. You could have simply said ‘You know, Bob, I’m really enjoying spending time with you and I like you a lot. I want to be sure we can get together and to that it works best for me if we make plans at least a couple days in advance. Can you make that work? I hope that works for you because I’d really like to continue getting to know you.’ Something like this is positive, clear and gives him a non-demanding way to say yes or no. Then you know if he’s your kind of guy or not. One other thing: When men are happy they get comfortable. Sometimes this behavior is definitely a guy being lazy or taking advantage. Sometimes it’s just that he considers you ‘his girl’ and assumes you know that and that you will see each other. Hope this helps!! Glad you’re here. Bp

  2. Roshi says

    It’s refreshing to read sensible advice for women, although I’m a man. It’s extremely hard to find women that have a balanced view of a man being needed.

  3. Natalie says

    I don’t share this view. Needy, low-maintenance, and jerk are some loaded descriptors and mean something different to each individual.

    The gracious needy gal sounds great and all, but where are the fine lines between stalking needy gal and constantly needing your time and effort gal? It sounds like an idealized character, as does Mr Good Man. I really don’t see how being low maintenance is a problem. Codependent, perhaps. But they can still get “the guy” as you say…I don’t get this article.

    • says

      Hi Natalie, No need to agree with me and I respect your view. I agree that these are loaded words and understood differently. I honestly used the Needy Word to get your attention. It works. :) This message is going out to the women who I generally support who are strong, independent and competent…and who NEVER ask for help. My message to them (you?) is that if you want a nice, giving man in your life you have to let him BE THAT. I never said anything about all the time. I never said don’t give and just take. It’s not that black or white. There seems to be a mile wide line between “Let your man give” to be a needy, selfish stalker. Perhaps you are reading into my message and coloring it with your “I don’t need no stinking man” brush?

    • Roshi says

      Imagine sitting in the passenger seat of, let’s say, my sports car. I’m cruising at forty miles per hour, which is the speed limit. Without notice, I decide to put the pedal to the floor. That’s what it’s like to be in a relationship with someone that don’t want much but then decide they want more than what they’re getting. So there is validity in saying ” avoid being a low maintenance Gal”. A women should have some needs that is expressed.

  4. Adrienne says

    I owe my life to a broken typewriter ribbon. Let me explain: my mother, who is a highly-competent, got-it-together, ducks-in-a-row gal, was typing a paper that was due the next day and her typewriter ribbon broke. She panicked – she would rather die than not have her paper ready to hand in – so she called my dad, whom she hadn’t been speaking to for a while. He came over, replaced her typewriter ribbon, saved her day, and the rest is history. Phew.

  5. Lori says

    It didn’t work out. I didn’t have the opportunity to put your advice to good work. We didn’t really speak after that. He still messages me occasionally right out of the blue to chit chat although its been months and i have moved on and am dating someone new. Men Blah……

  6. Lori says

    I love this sight. There is so much useful information. I recently left my husband on 15 year, am ready to date. I have admired a regular customer of mine for quite some time. When he knew i had left my husband he began talking to me more. Showing up in the same places and finally asked me to go out. Yea me right?? We went for brunch, went for drinks, out for ice cream as well as spending a couple of evenings at his place taliking for hours. This all happened in 5 days. Wow!! He was on vacation at the time. Now he is back to work and has called me a couple of times but we haven’t seen each other. Heres where I think I blew it. I expected to see him by the ebd of the week so when he called I asked him if we were going to get together. When he said no he was too tired…well i got a little upset. He said he was married to his job for the next 6 months until he retires… Then he asked me do I expect from him? We already discussed it. Help. I don’t want to loose this amazing man. I am not looking for anything serious right now but i would like to see where this goes.. any advise on how to fix this

    • says

      Hi Lori, One of the things that will scare a man away the fastest is to put pressure on him early on before he’s decided that you are someone he really wants to get to know. Then we become one of “those women” to him and he likely runs for the hills. You can fix it though! Just call him and Tell him the truth! Tell him that you kinda lost our mind. You like him and are enjoying getting to know him and had a silly reaction because you were looking forward to seeing him. Tell him you understand and appreciate his commitment to work and the other parts of his life. If that’s part of what attracts you to him tell him that. Then ask if he would be open to continuing to get to know one another. This is the grownup part of relationships: honesty, taking responsibility for your actions and even doing some things that are a little scary if it means helping the partnership flourish. And btw, don’t give him long stories. Just say i and shush…give him a moment or two to think if he needs to before he responds.
      Let me know how it goes! And if it doesn’t work out, feel great about yourself for learning and trying…and use this experience for the next opportunity. (There WILL be more opportunities.)

  7. Innocent Bystander says

    That makes SO MUCH more sense than what I’ve been doing. I thought it was a sign of weakness and lack of independence to let a man think I “needed” him. Looks like I’ve been approaching it all wrong.

  8. says


    I wish I had this advice 10 years ago! Soooo true coming from doing everything myself and not making room for anyone to provide anything for me in the past. Great site and awesome advice!

    • says

      Hi Layla! I’m so glad you came to visit and are reading here. Thanks for leaving your comment. And btw ladies: Layla is my Mary Kay consultant and she rocks!!!! Email her if you need great beauty an health products. They are yummy!


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