Four Reasons Why You May Be Chronically Single

If you are a woman over 40, single and looking for love, I think I know your story. It goes something like this:

You’ve been single longer than planned. The men you meet – when you actually get to meet someone – are boring, oafs or just plain wrong. You never feel that spark, and you need that spark.

You have created a great life for yourself and you’re a good catch. Your friends and family tell you that you’re too picky, but you absolutely will not settle. If Mr. I Love You comes along, that will be great, but if he doesn’t you figure you’ll be just fine without him.

If this sounds like you, welcome to the ranks of the chronically single, girlfriend. Please don’t think for a minute that I’m judging you. I dated for 30 years and know this story intimately. I was the Queen of singledom; waiting for Mr. I Love You to show up, see the real me and know I was the one for him. I spent thousands of nights waiting for this guy.

I waited until I finally admitted that I wasn’t okay if he didn’t come along. I wanted to share my life with a man. I wanted it so much that I finally admitted that it was ME creating my dismal results. I became willing to make changes in the way I dated and chose men, and I was ready to brave the potential pain. It was worth it.

I opened my mind and heart, learned more about my self-imposed limitations and met and married my very special husband at age 47.

It’s now my passion and my livelihood to help fabulous women like you break out of this cycle so you can start dating good men and find lasting love. Check out these four reasons you may be chronically single. I hope at least one of them creates an aha moment for you and moves catapults you further  toward meeting your loving life partner.

1. You are stuck in your old stuff.

If you are 40, 50 or beyond you have collected a ton of data about yourself, men and dating over the years. How much of what you “know” originated from your intellect and experience, and how much was handed to you by Johnny in 11^th grade, Cosmo magazine, your mother and your exes?

When was the last time you allowed yourself to celebrate who you are and ponder what and who will bring you happiness? If you haven’t done this recently, I suggest you get to it. The thoughts and feelings you are carrying around are directly affecting every action, opinion and decision as you date and mate. My guess is that there are some layers of old gunk that can be cleared away so you can make room for some newer shiny stuff.

2. The guy you want doesn’t exist.

If you’re 50 and still looking for Mr. Right, chances are that the man you want doesn’t exist or the men you’ve been choosing aren’t the ones who can make you happy. Let’s start with “looking for Mr. Perfect.”

All women have a list. Our lists have the adjectives, activities, behaviors and beliefs we are looking for in a man. Don’t get me wrong, it’s important to be clear on what you want in a partner. But reality should play some part of this if you truly want to find a partner. (As opposed to just talk about it.)

If your a man has flat abs, is over 6 foot, makes you laugh, loves to cook, has an executive job, likes to travel, loves your Mother and your cat…you will probably be reading articles like this for a very long time. This guy represents an infinitesimal percentage of the population of the world. Add in that you also want him to be mature, stable and grounded…that guy probably needs to be well over 40. Look for him all you want but this guy just doesn’t exist.

3. You’re looking for a hot guy; not a husband.

If you’re still going after hotness and charisma above all, if you’re running for the hills when you don’t have that instant chemistry, I have one thing to say (a la Dr. Phil): How’s that working for ya so far?

Before you get all mad, I agree that the man you connect with has to be attractive to you. But if you’re looking for that guy we talked about above, not only doesn’t he exist, but I suspect not one of those characteristics have anything to do with him being a good life partner.

If you’re looking for someone to spend 20+ happy years with – I recommend you look a heck of a lot deeper. Maybe you’ll see the endless stream of good men out there waiting for the opportunity to be a wonderful partner to a good woman.

4. You don’t know men well enough.

Here is an exercise: Finish the sentence “Men are…” Write as many ends to that sentence as you can. Then…step back and ask yourself two questions:

-       On a scale of 1-10, how well do I know how men think and feel in a romantic context? (1=clueless; 10=I could be a freaking man.) Knowing your Father or the men at work doesn’t garner many points here. Men, like women, can be extremely different in the two situations. If your score is low, perhaps you’re not connecting because you  don’t understand men. And if you don’t, how can you appreciate them or show them any compassion?

-       Is this true? Are each of these beliefs based on a actual adult experience? Often our attitudes and beliefs come from something that happened or was told to us when we were teenagers. Single experiences, especially ones that are emotionally painful, can create a “truth” about all men. Maybe you can’t even trace the source of your belief, but you’ve believed it forever and never given men a chance to prove otherwise?

Let me hear from you! Do any of these resonate or apply to you? What’s your story?