I’m going on vacation and haven’t packed a thing. So I’m re-posting this popular article about keeping an open mind and being realistic when you date. If I didn’t follow this advice five years ago, I’d be where you are: reading someone else’s blog to learn how to find a good guy. Happy reading. Let me know what you think.
A common theme among women is why so many of us fall for The Wrong Guy. Wrong comes in many forms: he treats you like crap, he won’t make a commitment, he refuses to make shifts or adjustments; or he just doesn’t have the qualities you’re looking for in a lifetime mate. Yet even in our 40s, 50s, and even 60s, we can pick these guys…and then stick to them like glue.
I blame chemistry. Yup. That’s what attracts us, and reels us in. We tend to take it very seriously. So seriously that it often trumps all other data. It’s like once you decide he’s hot and possibly The One, all contrary evidence is invisible or seems irrelevant. Out the window it goes.
Look: if you want to just have sex, go for the hot men. But if you want to be adored, challenged, trusted, loved, and humored…learn how to think past that superficiality to find the real good guys. Sure…you want to be attracted to him. But to make the good choices you have to find out what’s past their looks and get past the idea that you have to feel all giddy when you meet him.
I know we all love George Clooney – who doesn’t? But what other celebrity men float your boat? I sometimes ask that question when I start helping a new fabulous woman learn how to better enjoy her dating experience. I ask because it helps me understand her “type.” (At least the type she thinks she wants when we first begin coaching.)
Fast forward a couple weeks and we’re working on helping her be open to new types of men; at least giving them a chance. She tends to judge quite quickly when she meets someone new. (Do you?) That tells me it’s mostly a judgment on physical attributes. You may call it chemistry, I call it looks.
So then it occurs to me: Kevin James and John Stewart are the answer! Let’s face it; those guys couldn’t even shine George’s shoes in the looks department.
So I ask: If Kevin James approached you in the grocery store and tried to strike up a conversation, would you be open and encouraging or would you stay focused on picking your apples?
We all know the answer: Wow! Look at those luscious apples!!
It would go something like this: he speaks a few words to you – he’s obviously trying to connect; you decide “you’re not attracted” to him; you continue to bag your apples; he shrugs and away he goes. (Feeling crappy by the way, thank you very much.) You’ve just lost the chance of a lifetime girlfriend. The man you’ve been dreaming of is gone forever.
I’m quite sure that things like humor, integrity, and intelligence are in the list of character traits you’re looking for in a mate. (If you haven’t created or updated your list lately, I highly recommend it.) Now seriously…you’re going to know in a span of a few minutes if a man has those traits…how?
I get that attraction is very important. But it can and does grow as you get to know people. It’s just a fact. So next time you’ve got that man in front of you (or his picture) and you’ve decided you’re not attracted…can you puleeeeze just stop and reconsider?
Stay open, be kind and compassionate…and get a glimpse of his personality and character. Be a grown-up. If you do, maybe you’ll just meet your Kevin James.
A couple p.s.’s:
1. I didn’t have much interest in my husband’s appearance when I saw him on match.com. (Sorry honey.) And he said his fave pastime was sailing. I puke on boats. I only met him because he lived in my neighborhood and it was easy. I assure you he’s the most gorgeous man alive. And that Dramamine works.
2. Here’s a good article about how women judge humor in men. It does trump looks if you give it a chance.