Not Feeling Special to Him? It’s Time to Move On.
Ever found yourself wondering “Is he into me?” or “Should I move on?” Check out this email exchange I recently shared with a blog reader.
Dear Bobbi,
Thank you. Your dating tips are helpful and have helped me change my point of view.
Before reading your blog, I’d been doing most of what you’ve suggested, without much confidence.
I’m 50 and have been online dating with some success at meeting good, intelligent, and interesting guys.
I finally met someone (who is a couple years) older than me, who I would have never chosen. When we met in person he was attractive, kind and interesting, after contacting me first. I replied.
Of all of the men I met, he made an incredible first impression and then things when downhill from there. But, I like him and decided to give him a few more chances. Another chance to cancel at the last minute, stand me up, never call or seem busy if I called. I was trying to break an old habit of giving up too soon.
After one more postponed date, I was really disappointed and emailed him that I wasn’t sure he was interested. Now I am split between thinking it was a mistake and the right thing to do. Of course I haven’t heard from him. I hoped it would lead to a conversation or reply. But he just disappeared.
I thought it was a mistake because I finally felt grounded, ok to be myself, and calm in a relationship. I ignored the ups and downs hoping it would change and then realized it probably would not.
At this moment, I am disappointed, sad and miss him. My interest in continuing my search is low. However, your blog tells me that I made the right decision. (Unless you can find a loophole, or ray of hope.)
I’m more interested in changing my point of view again. There are attractive, mature, intelligent, affectionate, available men in their early 50s out there! I just have to take a deep breath and keep looking.
Best wishes to you.
“New York”
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Dear Ms. New York,
I see a huge ray of hope: YOU! I see a courageous, smart and loving woman making decisions that will ultimately lead to achieving her most important goal. Dating over 40 is not always easy, and you seem to be managing it with a pretty good balance of head and heart.
What you described is somewhat common for women who are trying to break their pattern of being overly critical of men: they sway to the complete other direction and accept too much!
It sounds to me like you were being “pinged,” Ms. New York. He started off being Mr. Smooth, got your attention, and then the rest of the so-called relationship was on his terms. When he wanted to see or talk to you…he did. When he didn’t, he didn’t.
This is not a man who is treating you like you are special. He was not trying to win you over in any way. And he was not going to change. He just didn’t see you as a serious match. YES…you made the right decision!
The only thing I hope you do differently next time is realize this earlier and feel confidence in your decision. He wasn’t someone you could count on or who let you feel good about yourself. Maybe in moments, but I’m guessing that overall you felt a lot of self-doubt and disappointment.
After a man stands you up or breaks a commitment a second time, I say move on. That is, if you want a man in your life that is trustworthy and well-mannered. (Which I’m sure you do.)
I know it feels crappy to have your hopes dashed, but I’ll ask you what I ask so many other women in your position: was he really such a great guy, or were you in love with the idea of being in love and thinking you finally found The One?
Kudos for having the courage to be yourself with him and for calling him out on his unacceptable behavior. Also, congratulations for consciously choosing to maintain hope…even through the disappointment.
You are obviously a smart, thoughtful woman who is serious about finding a loving, committed partner. Continue to be clear on your needs and boundaries, and stick to your must-haves. (Like being treated with respect and honesty!)
You are now one step closer to your heart’s desire.
With love, support and admiration,
Bp
Innocent Bystander
April 15, 2011
I could never figure out if men were clueless or intentionally being jerks when they pulled the kind of stuff New York encountered, but now I realize it doesn’t matter: it’s about respect. Thanks for the clarification.
Kathleen
April 16, 2011
After reading this, I can see a lot of myself in Ms. New York! I’ve put up with a lot of disrespect in the past simply because I didn’t feel I could do better. The final straw came when about a year ago, I was corresponding with a guy online and a couple of weeks into this correspondance, he asked me out to lunch and pulled a no-show on me. When I sent him a message to find out what happened, his response was, ” I waited for you in the parking lot, but I didn’t see you.” What kind of a creep wouldn’t even go into the restaurant to wait for his date? I used to put up with stuff like this ALL OF THE TIME, but I finally realized that I don’t have to. I may not be Miss America, but I’m a person, and I deserve to be treated like one!
Bobbi Palmer
April 18, 2011
YES!!!! Good for you Kathleen. Here’s the thing: when you meet one of the “good guys’ he will respect you for respecting yourself. And girlfriend: you are Miss America! And there is a man out there who will treat you accordingly…as long as you believe it yourself.
Michelle
April 16, 2011
I’m a lot like Ms. New York and allow men to treat me with disrespect for some reason. I am going to be much more conscious of the respect issues and toss the ‘bad’ ones out much sooner. One guy I dated for about 2-3 months did some very similar things and I just never felt like I was #1 in his eyes, although each time we were together we had a great time and he was very respectful during those times, as well as very gentlemanly. C’est la vie. I want and deserve to be treated with respect.
Bobbi Palmer
April 18, 2011
Hi Michelle, Yah…this isn’t unusual: a man is great when you are together; then seems like he can’t be bothered with you when you aren’t. If you’ve known him for a while, this can be a man who enjoys and likes you…but maybe not “that much.” This guy you’re mentioning sounds like a nice guy who just wasn’t YOUR guy. It’s nothing wrong with you…it’s just that the two of you weren’t a match.
This describes what dating is like: spend some time with someone, see if he’s a match, and if not move on. The key is recognizing this before you regret sticking around too long and then feel bad about yourself; which it seems you did. Kudos!
No BS
April 18, 2011
I think the reality is a lot of men on dating sites juggle several women at a time, all the while waiting for “love at first sight” with the next woman they meet. I dated a man for far too long who was sometimes quite charming and attentive, and other times made me feel like he was just keeping me around until something better came along.
I want a man who will meet me and stop looking for something better!
Megan
April 19, 2011
I have experienced the same feelings as Ms. New York after dates and great first impressions and have found myself second guessing my own reactions too. Was I patient enough? Did I act right on our dates? But I realized when I read your reply that if he wasn’t trying to win me over…it just wasn’t right, and I shouldn’t spend anymore energy …move on! I look forward to the man that is trying to win me over, who is fun and full of love. Your comments really hit home for me – and made me look forward not back – thank you!
Bobbi Palmer
April 19, 2011
Hi Megan! You sound like you are being balanced and reasonable here. (e.g. grownup!) I have to fill in some blanks but I’m assuming you mean that, after the initial couple or few dates, if he isn’t trying to see you and making an effort, it’s probably not right. That’s regardless of how great the first date was..and that’s OK. It doesn’t mean you did anything wrong.
I love your comment about moving forward. Love it! This really is the key to being a happy dater: realizing that some men (actually most) will not be matches. Give it your best, and if he’s not for you…next! That’s not a horrible thing. It’s smart dating and the best way you can enjoy the journey on the way to finding love. And it’s coming to you!