Looking for a Relationship: Stop Being So Damn Scared of Your Fabulous Self

I believe this statement is generally true:

Women can twist themselves like a pretzel to please a man and persuade him to adore her.

My friend Pegi reminded me of this the other day. While she was having dinner with a new man she was interested in, he told her that he wanted to continually date multiple women at this time in his life. She asked me “What should I have said?”

My absolute immediate response was “What do you want? Do you want to date a man who wants that?”

Allow me to deconstruct my thoughts about this.

  • Believe him.

    Pegi said she didn’t know whether to take him seriously. When a man tells you personal information about himself, especially about what he wants in life; believe him. The great odds are that he’s telling you some important truth that he wants you to know. Will he change his mind some day? Maybe. Should you wait for that? Nope.
  • Even soft pretzels break.

    Pegi is looking for a relationship. She established that early on in her return to dating after many years. Why would she even consider this? To go on one more date with this man is a bend I don’t think she should make. This is significant stuff! It’s not agreeing to watch football next Sunday or go to a sushi restaurant even though the smell makes you want to puke.Accommodating this, even for one more date, is contrary to who she is. First, she wants something very different. Second, she wouldn’t be able to trust or respect this 60 year old man that wants this. Third, and most important, she ultimately won’t trust or respect herself if she makes this bend.
  • Remember: You’re the star in your story.

    That Pegi’s first response was “what should I have said?” tells me she was considering him first. It was a mix of “what should I do to keep him interested?” and “what should I say to not appear mean?” She really didn’t care if he was interested; that was her ego reacting. When she thought about it from the perspective of what she wanted, it was easy: she knew he wasn’t someone she wanted to date.It’s interesting and distressing that her kneejerk reaction was to figure out what would please him. We do that. We need to stop doing that. Once you’re clear on what you want and who you are, be that person. Period. Always. Show up as yourself and keep that fabulous woman present. Thinking of you first may require practice. It’s not about what he wants or how he will react. It’s only about your truth.That truth should always be your first concern.

Now…your turn with this. Think about the last time a man told you something about himself that you didn’t like. What was the immediate conversation in your head? (C’mon…it’s a known fact we all do that.) Was it “Do I like this about him?” or was it about him, what he wants, or him liking you?

There are three fantastic payoffs of staying grounded in who you are and confidently being that person on every date.

  • One of the top ranked attributes men like about women is “authenticity.” Most men can spot your twists and turns ladies. When you are just being yourself, that’s a turn-on. It signals confidence, which is very attractive to mature and confident men.
  • When you’re being yourself, you will attract the man who is going to be a good partner for you. When he meets you he’ll know it and have the “Hey! She wants me and I can make her happy!” response. Off you go with a hope of a great relationship.
  • Playing a character is exhausting. You’ll be so tired and chances are it won’t go well even though you’ve worked so hard.

On your next date, commit to practicing this. Just stay aware, and be your real, true self. I promise that on your way home you will feel 100% better than you did after your previous 10 dates.

Oh! And here’s what I think Pegi should have said: “Thank you for telling me that, Bob. That’s different than what I want in my life right now. I appreciate lunch, but we won’t be a good match.”

Want to know if you’re really prepared to Date Like a Grownup™?
GO TO www.DateLikeaGrownup.com TODAY and take your FREE Man-O-Meter test. This fun, one-of-a-kind test assesses how ready you are and gives you expert advice and invaluable tips about men and dating. If you’d like to talk and see how I might be of help, email me at bobbip@datelikeagrownup.com.


  1. Michelle says

    This is a great thread! I think it’s very important to hear what a man tells you. I have learned this the hard way!

    There is similar scenario I’m not so sure about… What about the guy who is in the process of dating many women looking for his match (as am i)? In that case, it seems most important to be confident and secure while dating him, and a mistake to stop too soon, because you feel threatened. I’d love your insight on this :) Thanks!

    • says

      Hi Michelle,
      It’s a good point. I think it’s okay for people to “date around” until they meet their match. There is, however, a point at which if it’s not happening…it’s not happening. Men tend to make decisions pretty darn quickly. If, by the third date or so, he hasn’t decided he wants to focus on you..chances are he never will. You want a man who thinks you’re special and treats you accordingly. If he’s not, there’s no reason to hand around.

  2. Michelle says

    Thank you for the clarity. It makes perfect sense put that way. I also like having a reasonable time line to go by. Like you said, “Men tend to make decisions pretty darn quickly” I have seen that to be very true…Thanks Bobbi!

  3. says

    Great topic Bobbi…so glad you brought it up because there is so much value here!

    Initially, what I really appreciated was this man’s directness and honesty. What a favor he was doing for her and for “whatever” was going to happen next because of his forthrightness!!

    For both men and women, I feel great value is here in the preparing for this important dating conversation.

    It is best to be clear from the beginning about what it is that you want and what it is that you are prepared to offer. Underlying all that, can you demonstrate the freedom and openness to adjusting, as necessary and in the moment, anything you have hardened around to show up for the unexpected that comes up as a result? This is serious stuff you mentioned and yet can we still stay in the fun of it all even as it is serious?

    This man, me, loves clarity. I continue to find it to be a very attractant quality in a woman. Back in the day when I was a dating man, even in hearing her No, I felt an energetic opening where I could see more of what, and who, was directly in front of me and right there occurred a certain r e l a x a t i o n.

    When I could sense that she knows herself, it announced a strength within her that revealed that here was a woman I could trust further opening the door wider for a newer and fresher respect and admiration for her.

    If I can speak to your audience: What this sense of knowing yourself will also do, is have you vibrating / radiating at a frequency that will easily attract the kind of man who can “meet” you and toward whom you will feel safe to show more…

    You will glow and shine. Your eyes will be clearer and your face relaxed. And do you know what else? This is the kind of radiance that transcends the crippling myth that a woman has to fit into some sort of cultural cookie cutter way of looking in order to (fill in the blank)!

    We men are looking for this, by the way…

    Love what you are doing here Bobbi!

    • says

      Hi Martin,
      Wow…what a gift you have given us when you say “…even in hearing her No, I felt an energetic opening where I could see more of what, and who, was directly in front of me and right there occurred a certain r e l a x a t i o n. When I could sense that she knows herself, it announced a strength within her that revealed that here was a woman I could trust further opening the door wider for a newer and fresher respect and admiration for her.” It’s the beauty of Being Real, right? When you can trust that a woman is showing her real self – even if she’s not telling you what you want to hear – it’s beautiful…it’s a turn on.

      Though I say this often, having you say it in the way that you do will surely get this incredibly important point across. Thank you, beautiful man. Love, Bp


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