Time to Meet Your Grownup Man: Step 1

In the past week I’ve talked to three fabulous women about how the men they’re meeting lack the qualities they want in a mate. Turns out none of them have ever devoted time to getting a genuine and deep sense of what they want and need in a man and in a relationship.

They have the usual list of traits: honesty, integrity, humor. But their list doesn’t go much deeper than a bunch of adjectives. It doesn’t address the feelings they want to feel or the type of relationship they want. And, more importantly, all of them are working from a vision they created many years ago.

Well, ladies,  here’s my advice: It’s time you pick your men based on the accomplished, experienced, and wise woman you are today. Get rid of that vision you’ve carried around since you were 18 or 20 or even 35. You’ve lived and learned a lot. Time to revisit and replace your story of a “perfect man” with a grownup versionthat actually exists and will satisfy you as a grownup woman.

Before you can recognize your Mr. I Love You — the man who is good for you and makes you feel the way you want and deserve to feel — you have to be consciously aware of your needs, of what makes you happy, and of what you can’t accept.

This is a three-step exercise I give my clients to help them get clarity about this. If you’re dating, I strongly encourage you to do this.

Step 1: Spend Time with Your Man

Find a chunk of time (at least 30 minutes) and a quiet place to do this exercise. Be sure to update it as you learn more about yourself and about men.

You’re going to create a vision of yourself with your ideal mate at an ideal place, feeling happy and fulfilled. He makes you feel good about your life and yourself, and you love being around him. You feel safe, loved, and valued for exactly who you are. You’re with him in a place that you share, doing something you enjoy doing together: something where you can talk and interact.

What are you two doing? Are you reading on the couch, cooking, frolicking in bed, entertaining friends, hiking, or maybe floating down the Seine in Paris? If it helps to develop the picture, put yourself in a couple different places and situations with him.

What is he like? Is he bold, introspective, gentle, energetic, thoughtful, confident? Is he telling jokes, reading you poetry, talking about his day at work, or asking your opinions on Buddhism? What does he do to you, for you, and with you that makes you feel good about yourself?  How are you interacting with each other? How does he give and receive? What does he care about? Do you see what he looks like? Can you hear his tone of voice and how he communicates with you? How is he looking at you?

What feelings do you have: not just for him, but about yourself? Do you have a huge smile on your face? Are you laughing hysterically, or are you calm and at peace? Is he keeping you on your toes, or are you completely relaxed? Are you feeling feminine, confident, understood, admired, vulnerable, in charge?

Once you can see him and describe who he is and how you feel with him — once you “spend time with him” — write down his qualities, what you saw, and how you felt. Do it in as much detail as possible. Write in whatever form you prefer: journal the story, write down words and phrases, draw pictures — whatever allows you to easily recall and describe all aspects of your experiences and feelings with this man. Extra points if you share your vision with a trusted friend!

A very important note: What you see during this exercise should be the meaningful and impactful qualities he has and the feelings you have with him. I don’t expect you to be aware of every detail about this wonderful man; I wouldn’t want you to. You may not see what he looks like, have a sense of his politics, or know whether he prefers drama or comedy. That’s perfectly fine. If you don’t see it, it’s probably not that important to you.

Next post, Step 2: Who Gets Kicked to the Curb? Step 3: Your Final Step

Want to know if you’re really prepared to Date Like a Grownup™?
GO TO www.DateLikeaGrownup.com TODAY and take your FREE Man-O-Meter test. This fun, one-of-a-kind test assesses how ready you are and gives you expert advice and invaluable tips about men and dating. There are absolutely no strings. If you’d like to talk and see how I might be of help, email me at bobbip@datelikeagrownup.com.

Trackbacks

  1. Date with Confidence and Success :: Date Like A Grown Up Blog says:

    [...] I don’t need a man. I just want one. [...]

  2. Date Like a Grown-Up – Dating Advice and Coaching from Bobbi Palmer » How Smart Women Can Find Love With Smart Men – The Finale says:

    [...] MT: Let me tweak this a little and see if it’s easier to digest. It could sound like an accusation that women are gold diggers. He may have meant that; but I don’t think that’s the point. So let’s exchange “right schools and right jobs” for “nice family and compatible religious beliefs.” Or whatever is on your list. (Come on…you know you have a list!  And, btw, when is that last time you updated it?) [...]

  3. How to Know if He is Merely Hot…or Maybe Husband? @ Women Dating Like Grown-ups says:

    [...] What you want from a man in a fling is different from what you want from a man in a meaningful relationship. Does he show signs of those qualities? Stop and consider. Your grownup knows the difference. (If you haven’t yet gotten in touch with the traits you want in a long term partner, read this for my step-by-step process.) [...]

  4. Clearing Limiting Beliefs: End The Search for the Wrong or Non-Existent Man | Women Dating Like Grown-ups says:

    [...] Lori Gottlieb says in her book Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough that 10’s don’t really exist. She talks about healthy compromise. She’s not saying that we should compromise on the important stuff; only that a lot of things on our long list are not really important. For more on this, and detailed steps for getting to know your ideal mate, read my post: Time to Meet Your Grownup Man. [...]

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *