Commitment: It’s Not Just a Word…It’s Everything
I’ve heard it more times than I can count: “He’s got everything I’m looking for; he just won’t make a commitment.” The other day I heard that through the sobs of my gorgeous, ambitious, loving friend. She’s been with her man for over a year.
It came to me after she repeated “just can’t make a commitment” several times: it’s not like he just won’t go on a trip with her or just can’t buy her some piece of jewelry she wants. This is big. This is everything. But saying it as one little word — commitment — minimizes the enormity of what it actually means.
When a man just can’t or just won’t commit to you, that means you’ll have a relationship without:
- Trust
- Honor
- Loyalty
- Security
- Reliability
- Support
- Fidelity
- LOVE
If you’re willing to stay with a man who “has everything” but this, it means you’re willing to accept disappointment , fear, and insecurity rather than the love and devotion you deserve. It’s not just lack of commitment. It’s everything.
Naja
May 20, 2009
Hi Bobbi,
I wish you would have expanded on this one… It’s SUCH a big topic between men and women (or more like women and women) but it’s also a controversial topic that deserves clarification.
What does it mean to commit?
If a man knows he doesn’t want to get married but is otherwise fully committed, does that make a difference?
Would love to continue this conversation!
Thanks!
Naja
PS. LOVE the new look! Great work.
Bobbi Palmer
May 21, 2009
Hi Naja:
Great question! I don’t think there’s any one description of what “commitment” means. I think it looks a little different to every woman.
For example: my friend Helen has been with her fabulous man Tom for about 2 years. They live together, have promised monogamy, have a loving and meaningful relationship, and have plans for the near and far future. He is hesitant to get married, but not to make a lifetime commitment. Is he committed? Some women in this situation would feel that he is. Others would not be able to feel so unless he married them. (I do want to point out that I do think Helen is getting more commitment from Tom than some married women are getting from their husbands. Something to think about.)
I suppose the definition of commitment is whatever makes YOU feel completely and unconditionally loved, secure, and supported – no matter what.
It’s important that every one of us take time to consider what a committed relationship would look like in our lives. How will you feel when you know you have a man’s full devotion? What would you have to get from a man to be able to feel this way? We should form and express very clear expectations, and then not waver from those expectations when we are considering who to give our love to.
A good man isn’t enough; you also have to have a good relationship.
You’re right, Naj, we can talk forever about this. Let’s talk more!
John
April 20, 2011
THANK YOU BOBBI – for writing about this subject. All those things you mentioned ARE huge – GINORMOUS, in fact. So if a man is going to commit to ONE woman, then the entire relationship, top to bottom, side to side, inside and out, had better be “perfect” for him. Ladies, that doesn’t mean you have to be perfect or to change (especially not for a man, of all people!) If you want a commitment, and he simply will not commit – especially if he tells you verbally in a language you both speak and understand that he is not ready to or going to commit – then you (yes, the lady) will need to move on to find a man who will commit in a relationship. OR you can tolerate it and stay in a commitment-less relationship.
Here’s another way to put it. When a man tells you he will not commit to you, then he is giving you exactly what you want in terms of honesty that he will NOT give you what you want in terms of relationship. At that point, you have a choice to make. And that choice is all yours.
Take care!
Phil Turner Jr
January 26, 2012
I’m with Naja on the expansion of this concept and totally get this message in theory. As a man who coach women, often they seek this “commitment things as if they are buying a pair of shoes.” I believe in understanding a person’s life stages and current love time-line of the man you are with. He will tell you everything you need to know about his goals and intent for the future but YOU MUST believe him. So many women believe they are able to adjust a man’s timeline because of their uniqueness that sometimes it creates more distant. I share with women to embrace curiosity in their conversation with the intent of leaning their man. If you are driven to satisfy his human needs as he want them satisfied, you will never have a commitment problem. You WILL be the woman he cannot live without but this requires skills. For me curiosity helps you to learn exactly where a man may be in his life and appreciate it totally. Compare it to where you are and then make you decision.
Bobbi Palmer
January 26, 2012
Hi Phil!
I agree that sometimes we ask for commitment Yet we don’t truly understand and know the man from whom we are requesting it. I think it’s often because we are so anxious to feel some “safety” in our relationships. Your points about the importance of getting to know the man, what he believes and where he wants to go in his life are right on.
Thanks for stopping here to read and to give your point of view. We love when men participate here!
Rebecca M.
March 17, 2012
It is wonderful to get a man’s perspective. And Phil, your comment made me stop and think. I like how you expressed BELIEVE HIM . Because sometimes I think when a man speaks, sometimes we try and interpret it to our timeline, our wants,etc, So to believe him and decide if that is where you are and if that is what you can and want to live with. Thank u. something I will keep in the front of my mind.
bobbi
March 17, 2012
And, btw, Rebecca, I find that for the older men — say after 50ish — most know very quickly whether you are the woman to whom they want to commit. These aren’t guys who are trying to fit you into career or raising kids. The grownup men seem to know their woman when they see her, and they let her know quite clearly that they want a committed relationship with her. In other words, if you’re with a mature man and he isn’t committing pretty quickly; he probably never will. Thanks so much for your comment!