For Geez Sake, Don’t Dump Him: It’s Just Salad Dressing
Remember Ally McBeal? I loved that show. Yes, her skirts were too short and she was way too skinny and neurotic. But I thought she accurately represented women I knew, including me. She was smart, attractive, accomplished, connected to many friends…and oh so single. She was always trying to find Mr. I Love You or keep her current Mr. I Love You, but it just never worked. (I was rooting for her to end up with Robert Downey, Jr.)
One episode I always remember is this one: She meets this charming and gorgeous lawyer, and he thankfully asks her out. He takes her to a lovely restaurant. At dinner they have stimulating and engaging conversation, sharing big smiles and a few nervous giggles. Ally is falling hard. The love song plays in the background. (You see this guy, la la la la, this guy’s in love with you…)
Uh-oh. Here it comes: a spot of bleu cheese dressing on his chin. Oh no! Not that! Ally takes notice. Ally stares. Ally obsesses. All she sees is the freakin’ bleu cheese. In reality it’s a little dot, but as she becomes more obsessed she starts seeing more and more and MORE bleu cheese! And then, poor gorgeous lawyer man is literally bathed in bleu cheese dressing from head to toe.
Errrrrrk! Music stops playing. Ally takes on the “Oh crap, not another loser” look. She is done with him. B’bye. (You can see part of the scene here at 3.11. They cut the last and best part.)
Oh geez! It was just bleu cheese! In the next scene her dear friend tells her how she seems to find every excuse for it not to work with a man. “You could have just blotted it off,” she tells her. Nope, Ally insists, she has a thing about first impressions. Forevermore, all she will ever see is Mr. Salad Dressing Face.
Okay, I know I don’t have to. But I have to give you my view of the salient points here.
- Ally is single
- Ally is sitting across from a successful, gorgeous, smart, available, interested man
- What was a dot in reality became a drench in her mind only
- It was just salad dressing!
Honestly, I think Ally is really afraid of intimacy, rejection, ____ (you fill in the blank).
Next week I’ll give you my brilliant advice about how having compassion and realistic expectations (just like a grownup) will change your dating life and bring you closer to happiness. And I have a great tip; you have to know this one.
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elizabeth
April 10, 2009
This was entertaining, and helpful even for a married woman! It’s easy to get wrapped up in gobs of salad dressing or annoying habits, and sometimes challenging to look beyond all of that to the person in front of you, or next to you in bed.
By the way, I, too, was rooting for Robert Downey Jr. Remember when he sang with Sting? Hel-lo.
Naja Hayward
April 12, 2009
Ohhh nooo! that’s ME!
my friends call me FF… Fault Finder…
I’ve grown over the last several years, but still single none-the-less and waiting to get past the spot of salad dressing syndrome… but maybe it’s more…
it’s more like the guys I meet, often with many great qualities, have slightly larger issues that I seem to have trouble overcoming…
It’s trying to figure out which man’s imperfections I’m willing and interested to accept.
A good article (But I’m finding they ALL are!)
Francine
May 5, 2009
Hi, I think you’re right on. I’m really enjoying your blog.
Bobbi Palmer
April 13, 2009
Naja,
Thanks so much for your openness in sharing your story. We can all be fault finders, but you’ve got exactly what counts here: being consciously aware of what you are and are not willing to accept in a man and in a relationship. I suggest doing some work on this. Here’s a very quick review of an exercise that my clients do:
Take 10-15 minutes and visualize yourself with your ideal mate. How do you feel about yourself when you are with him? What do you love to give him and do for him? What does he believe, look like, act like, and care about? What do you share and do together?
Write all of your thoughts down. Next, decide which are must haves (non-negotiable) versus nice to haves (negotiable). Be honest with yourself, but be realistic. Is his height or profession truly a must-have? If he is insecure or non-communicative, are you truly willing to be flexible with that?
There’s more to the exercise, but this can get you started. Every grown-up woman should do this before she starts dating to look for her special man. The clarity will create a feeling of confidence and control you may not yet have. Good luck in love!